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I have experienced both and it's a difficult journey either way. For those who leave, it has the added burden of being the one who authored the ending. Rarely is it as mutual as Bluerose's ending. Sometimes we judge the one who leaves unfairly, making them out to be monsters in our pain of being left. But they are not. They are experiencing the painful loss of a relationship too and people tend to forget that. If they are wise, they allow themselves time to grieve. If not then they will likely pay for it in their next relationship or the one after that just like anyone would. Their rebound relationships don't work out either, you know. Leaving one person for another is exactly that, a rebound and I see those almost never work out. And the stats when marriage is involved show that this is why second marriages fail at a much higher rate too.
Leaving is hard to do. And granted, many do it badly. But one thing is certain, they usually knew about it long before who is left did so they are often further down the recovery path. They look indifferent to us when how else are they to be really if it is indeed over? Just as you get to see a side of them you didn't want, so do they about you -- that hurt side they know they created. Guilt makes a lot of them wear amor that is mistaken for other things, I think. It is a loss for both people and grief is grief -- more in common than not... whether you leave or get left. |
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I saw what you did write and its all true
Because evry one of us have there own opinion in that But I'm still stick on that the once who get hurt the most is dumpees Maybe sometimes dumpers be in a really bad stuaion and they have to do that.. But why feel the guilt when you do this its like you want to get rid of someone.. Or you are not intrested in him or her anymore, I think I can't 4give someone for doing that its really hard you know.. Dumping someone... daaaa U where everything in some1`s life and in a moment you just distroy his or her life... Do you think that there is any way to 4give..? I don't know but I don't think I can deal with this... :confused: :confused: |
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Valinors_sorrow,
"Rarely is it as mutual as Bluerose's ending."
Both do experience the end of the relationship, no matter who ended it. And a time for recovery is needed. No jumping into a new relationship, it never works. Too much stuff to work through first. And every reason to stay as positive as you can about the relationship you just left as well as your next relationship - don't take any excess luggage along with you. Between relationships, work through what needs to be worked through, return what needs to be returned in one fare swoop. Don't let things drag on because s/he wants stuff back that they gave you. Let them have it, do you really need to be reminded of them. Move on. Get out with lots of friends, get a new perspective on things before entertaining the thought of a new relationship. |
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 Originally Posted by bluerose
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"like taking candy from a baby" but in a different way..
If you walked up to a baby that was really enjoying its candy.. and you took it... think about how guilty you would feel? Think about how even though in the end you got what you wanted... you took something away from someone who at the time was so dependent on its sweetness. Luckily relationships are much more complex than candy and a lot of contributing factors can make it harder or easier on the dumper. Going into another relationship after you've dumped someone.. it depends on the reason you dumped them, how long between relationships and all that, for example it would be worse breaking up with someone you had been with for a long time because you didn't love them anymore and then going out with someone a week later... There's always guilt, there's always remorse.. but more often than not people will stick with their decisions. Once someone has made a really hard decision, they won't easily go back on it, because so much time and stress has been spent on the answer to their decision that they don't want to go through all of it again. I hope this answered your questions.. |
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My ex told me in person, he cried and said he had cried for 2 nights thinking about it, and hadn't been eating. When he started crying after he told me, he seemed annoyed at himself and said 'I thought I had done my grieving'. So, it does show you, they seem to to be ahead of the dumpee. I look back and there were signs, and I did ask him if he didn't find me attractive, anymore etc etc. It hurts when you can see someone getting distant, and some of things he said to me at the end really hurt. I am talking about wee things like what he saw as my faults. He also said 'I gave you a few chances', gee thanks a lot! Chances? What type of chances? Etc
I must admit I have been the one that has been hurt quite a lot. I don't like hurting people. I did phone a guy once and tell him I didn't want to see him anymore, but I had found out he was lying to me about things, like his age etc. We had only been going out for a few weeks. |
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Originally Posted by Hurty
If it doesn't hurt when it ends for both people then it wasn't a very emotionally deep relationship, which is fine too. Just don't mistake your ex when they look all not hurting and such as someone who wasn't invested -- they just might not be willing to show you how really hurt they are, which is okay. And if after you hear they want out, you continue to seek deep emotional connection with them by showing them how hurt you are and seeking consoling, you are only asking for more hurt that really shouldn't be blamed on them, okay? Generally speaking, its not their obligation to console you since they have their own hurt to deal with -- that's what your friends and family are for. I hope that clears a few things up. PS - It would be a lot easier to read your posts Hurty if they weren't written in txt speak? Just a suggestion! |
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Good points.. they do match my observations in the cases that I have seen
Originally Posted by valinors_sorrow
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I seriously doubt that most "dumpers" feel guilty about it or regret it. How they go about getting into new relationships has a lot to do with why they "dumped" their previous "love interest." I think that, in most cases, the relationship was unbalanced and the dumper just didn't feel the same way as the dumpee and wasn't ever inclined to invest as much into the relationship. Sooner or later, they decide they've had enough and end the relationship. Much to the chagrin of the dumpee. Perhaps there was some initial interest there but then the dumper felt that they really weren't all that compatible after all. Also, quite often, the dumpee had been too needy and clingy and put way too much importance in the relationship and the dumper. This scares the dumper off and is a key factor in his/her decision to end the relationship.
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I just broke up with my boyfriend of four years yesterday. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do... I cried it hurt me seeing my ex cry. I have no question that he loves me but he is emotionally unstable, and abusive and very insecure. I had known for the past year that this day would come. I kept putting it off and avoiding the situation because I don't want to hurt him... I still care about him a lot. I realized though that the longer you keep avoiding dumping someone the harder it gets and the more attached you get. It sucks... :( I will always care for him deeply.
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But what about ex's that want to come back, or yo-yo relationships? How can those be explained from the dumper's point of view? I recently have had this happen to me when my ex wanted to come back... 3 times. Then, she again would say that the relationship wasn't going anywhere, and back out. What is the purpose of this, according to the ex girlfriends point of view? |
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Originally Posted by TheDew21
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Originally Posted by TheDew21
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Originally Posted by _Someone_
Anyway, I think you shouldn't hate someone for changes in their feelings. She lost feelings and instead of working on getting them back she chose to dump you. Is this unfair and painful? Yes. Will it be better for you both in the end? Maybe! I am sure that when you are done healing you won't hate her, you just won't care. She might have made a mistake sure--but she is young and dealing with her feelings must have been difficult. She thought it would be better to dump you and move on. Maybe she made a mistake, maybe she didn't but you can't blame her for it. All you can do is find what you did wrong--if you did--and let go of your emotions so you can focus them on someone that will deserve them one day. Hell maybe one day you will be glad she dumped you because it led you to meet the TRUE love of your life. |
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Originally Posted by expat2009
But that's life. If I would use the time that I spent thinking for her thinking for myself, maybe today I would have become a scientist :D . Too much headache for nothing. This worries me more. And she wasn't a teenager. She was 24. Just stupid. |
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Screw my ex the cheat. I do hope She has guilt Nd it's eating her up inside. |
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Originally Posted by valinors_sorrow
Yes, the break-up was awfully painful for me, but I think she felt as bad as I did, just that she felt it way before... It was kind of funny when I think about it because when we started talking about how weird things have been in the last month of our relationship, she didn't have the feeling anymore and I was the only one in her family/friends circle supporting her in the decision to break up... she was saying things like "but four years is a lot to throw away" while I was saying things like "if you aren't happy with way things are and you can't put any effort into loving me again, then there isn't much point to it... I could hold on but you're the one suffering... breaking up is probably the best for both of us". But when she actually decided to break up, then it all hit me and I was the one suffering... and then a few weeks later, she was helping me to cope with it... So in a way, we were supportive of each other through the break up. I never expected that from her, but it just happened that way. |
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