[Enigma1999]

Talaniman, I would green you again, but it won't let me!! You, my dear, are 100% correct!

[Larken85]

She is what I really want for the next 20 years. I am happy to work so she can have nicer things usually but my only problem is she wants me to work more cause we can't afford both bills and her spending habbits. That's the problem. She is starting to realize that if she wants to splerge she has to make her own money for that. I have't done any thing for myself lately and I just started to really complain about it. I am finally able to get the things I need now cause she understands that I need some Joe money. But still wants me to work more but since I just got a supervisor position again she is laying off a little bit. Not that it is that much more pay but I think she is more laying off because I am asserting my dominance over the money. I am sorry but if she cannot handle things its time for Joe to step in and take over.

[Larken85]

She has since calmed down about the money situation and we are no longer fighting about it. I really hate fighting because it brings out my depressed side and all the things that I have found going even a little bad get brought up. We have been fighting more and more lately and I am very sensitive to it and thus things get very tense in our relationship. She Being Bi-polar she could be great and tender one day but the next she could totally freak out. I don't like the freak outs of course but when she is not freaking out she is such a wonderful person. I love her so much and even with her quorks I would put up with pretty much anything. I know it sounds crazy, but this is the theme of our lives lol. Thanks for the advice, and now that I am standing up for myself things seem much more balanced.

[Romefalls19]

Larken I know about money struggles, believe me. I'll give you a quick rundown of what I got to know I can relate pretty well. I got a mortgage, homeowners insurance, taxes, gas/electric, internet and TV, car payment, 2 insurances for cars, cell phone and gym membership plus a few more like school loans.

My fiancé is like yours as she has two kids, she gets help from the government but not much. She works 2 jobs(around 45 hrs between the two) and I work 40hrs at my job plus side jobs.

The trick, live WITHIN your means. Tell her if she's so worried about money, STOP GOING SHOPPING! She doesn't need a new outfit every week. A budget needs to be set an followed or else you will end up in more debt. And if you really think this marriage thing will work, try planning a wedding when the real stress comes in and a lot of costs.

I'm not trying to say this to scare you, but you really need to set limits to her spending as it's going to cost you, and it's your money. Money is the cause of a lot of living situations, it destroys friendships and relationships very quickly if you don't have a budget to live by

[Larken85]

New issue, not that big of one but enough to tick me off.

Ok Fiancé and money yet again. This time it envolved my vacation pay. She decided that since the vacation pay was not here on time that we would pay everything late (I give her the money and she pays them cause they are all in her name). She takes off to bring the kids down south to see their father and she stay gone the entire spring break. She has family down there she was visiting. I had to work and wasn't worried about getting the time off. Well after she leaves about a half week later, I get my vacation pay. Its only $300 so its not like it was much anyway. I paid my mother the money I owed her and then including the money I was left with before she left I had about $500 total for the week to do with what I pleased (or so I thought.)

This is the first time I have spent any mony on myself in a long long time. And I still have $120 left. That's two weeks of normal expences and I spent a couple of hundred dollars. She did not talk to me much at all while she was away so I never had a chance to tell her that I got my vacation pay until she got back. When I told her how much I had left she about hit the roof. (the entire time I am under the impression that we were spending her tax money, which is coming the be 20th of this month, on all the bills and stuff. She was raving about how she only have $200 for her entire trip and she still has more than I do left (BULL CRAP RIGHT THERE) She got child support and SSI so I know she is lying.

On top of this she just decided to offer her mother $4000 out of her taxes without so much as telling me. But she wants me to ask her permission to spend the money I earn!

We agreed that I would pay half of the rent and bills in our apartment. Thing is, I am still not living there!! Why the heck does she think that I HAVE to pay rent and bills if she isn't letting me stay there? And what the heck makes her think that she can just make me feel like crap for spending a chunck of my money?

More over, how do I talk to her about the money and tell her that she is going to have to give me a break considering that I still don't live in the apartment that I am paying for. How do I explane things to her without her getting all super mad and making me feel bad. And How do I get her to stop making me feel bad for wanting to have a say in things like money?

I'm so stressed about it and the last thing I want to do is get into another fight with her about money. So any suggestions.

As a side note, and it may be the stress of it all talking, but I am starting to think that I am just to freakin young for this relationship and its tribulations. Guess I will have to face this stuff sometime huh? So why not now?

[amicon]

How come you're not living in the flat yet?

Me,I pay all the whatnots.where I live-nowhere else.

Stress or no stress,yes,you are young to have shouldered all these responsibilities.

Is this really what you want?

[Larken85]

I just don't know amicon. I mean I know I love her with all my heart, but I just don't know if I have made the right choices anymore. I feel very obligated to stick with the choices I have made because I have made them and committed to them. I am so lost right now.

[amicon]

Only you can,of course,make your own choices,but,generally speaking,we are allowed to change our minds and admit that we have made the wrong choices.

I have to give you my honest opinion,I think your relationship lacks balance.

[Larken85]

Added to not knowing if my choices were right I don't know how to talk to her about this without making her spaz out bawling about me leaving her and all that. She thinks I'm going to leave over the weakest things. This one isn't weak and I know its going to get to her real fast. I just don't know how to tell her how I feel without her thinking that I am just all of a sudden no longer in love with her. Ya know what I mean? Because I am in love with her and I love her with all my heart and soul. I just don't know if I am ready to shoulder all of this and now its been a year and a half, almost two, and I am just not realizing this and she is going to be so distrout that I am even thinking this way now.

I do not want to go any where, I love her and I do not want to leave. I just want to be less... stressed. I want less on my shoulders and to have less responsibilities. But that is a childish dream, I am an adult now and I have to face the fact that I will never be free of money issues... :(

[Larken85]

I have to give you my honest opinion,I think your relationship lacks balance.

You got that right. I feel like we are on a teeder-tot and I am the side that looks glued to the ground. (if we were actually on a teeder-tot this would probably happen for real lol because I weigh about 30 lbs more but anyways)

[amicon]

Well,if the two of you want this to work,you must find a way of communicating which works.

You can't sweep everything under the carpet for fear of upsetting her.

[Larken85]

I know you're right. I just learned of a new way to connect to people (defusing tough siuations By saying you are sorry when you know you are right) and it is supposed to work on everybody but I tried it last night when she flew off the handle about the money but it so did not work at all. Like, I said "I'm sorry for not being tighter with my money and spending a little bit on myself. I should have made sure you knew my vacation pay was here." She just kept talking AT me about how irresponsible I have been with money and bla bla bla. I've heard it all before and it always ends the same way, with me feeling bad about spending a little amount of money on myself and then spending a lot of money on her which is just fine and dandy. She thought I was trying to make her feel bad when I appologized (and in all truth I was, but I was just trying to make her see my point).

I don't know, I guess I just got to go and sit her down and say something like "Hey, I have been thinking about our relationship a lot lately and our roles in it." That's all I got so far, the rest that I want to say is going to get me yelled at and condecended on... Wait a second, am I being verbally abused? Or emotionally for that matter? Why is it that I am afraid of her? I know we try not to make our significant others feel bad in general but why is it I am actually afraid to talk to her about how I feel? I know she is going to come down on me or get very insecure and sad (or at least act that way because she sure does it a lot for it to be really real every time. Maybe an over dramatization) All I know is I don't want to talk to her about it because I know that I am going to suffer some sort of emotional pain if I do. Is that being emotionally abused?

[amicon]

Emotionally abused?
Possibly.
Emotionally blackmailed-I'd have to say yes-what with the crocodile tears and tantrums.

I'm having a hard time understanding why your fiancée thinks she can demand all this of you.

If this wasn't your own thread,what advice would you give ?

[Larken85]

I know what I would tell someone else to do. But it's a lot harder to wear the pants in the family when its your own situation. I can't lay down the law, I can't do anything like that because I am far too sensitive and I let her walk all over me. She has from day 1. I should have never given her that first couple of hundred dollars and I should have kept all of our bills and finances separate.
I would tell myself to move into your own place and quit waiting on her butt. Stop being a slave, you are not her employee, Just find yourself someone that respects you for all that you do for them.

But then I think, I can't find anyone who could show me more love and affection. I can't find someone who is going to be this in love with me and devoted to me. Then I think that that is the trade off and that I just need to shut up and quit complaining. Quit being a baby and stop wasting everyone's time. Stop complaining about this, in the grand scheme of things does it really even matter where your green paper has gone?

All the while I am sitting her with a sinking feeling that just keeps getting bigger and bigger. I can't shake it, and I don't like it. I just don't want to know the pain of losing her. I don't want to put her in pain, and I never want to see her cry. I would protect her with all my strength and I would give my life for hers, but I just can't be a door mat. I can't tell her that's how I feel though because she will yell about how she in no way walks on me and all that. Because she herself cannot see that what she does is wrong. Her mother and her friend (that both hate me) tell her she is mean to me. I just want to scream!! I can't let my emotions out about it because I can't control my emotions that well and I will say things that I just do not want to say. I always go too far with my complaints and it always turns into the blame game. Because I hold it in for too long. When I let it out when it happens we fight too much. I try to decided what is really important and what really matters to be, or if it is even worth bringing up, but honestly I feel like its almost wrong to have to say "its not worth the fight" every single day.


You all know I know how this is going to end, I can't deny it if I can't change her attutude and her "emotional black-mailing"

[amicon]

Sometimes being in love isn't enough.

It does sound like its heading for a fall.

How about counseling?

[Larken85]

I could try to get her to do that. I donno if she'll go for it. She don't think our problems are as big as I think they are

[JudyKayTee]

How did this relationship go so bad in something like 5 days?

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/adult-...ng-462847.html

[Homegirl 50]

This sounds like way too much drama for a relationship and in the middle of all this are two kids.
This lady has a money cow and will not let go of it until she drains you dry.
You need to decide if you want to waste your youth on this woman because this situation is not going to change. She has you by the purse and the balls.

I suggest you let this lady go. She has too much control over you and it sounds as if you know it's not right, but you can't stand your ground with her. This is not a good or healthy relationship.

[talaniman]

Hi Larken, just so you know, finances are the biggest cause of break ups in a MARRIAGE. Having said that, YOUR FEAR of standing up for yourself, is at the root of your problem. Its not the money but the reaction and actions of her disagreeing with you.

See she has no problem getting her way because she knows exactly how to back you down, and its very obvious, you let her.

One of the things many of us do is let our partners have their way because we are afraid to confront them with the reality as we see it.

In this case its not a lack of communications, as you both know exactly what the other one thinks, and wants. Its just your side that is handicapped by an unwillingness to NOT give in to her emotional display, and give her what she wants.

I think you let her rant and rave and cuss and swear, and give her a few days to vent, and cool off, while you stick to your guns about what's fair in your mind. If you do not relent, then she must rethink her position, and tactics, and find a better approach. Or leave you alone. All her choices to make. Let her.

That's non-verbal communications, and is as important as talking, and listening, and sometimes more so. Look guy, she knows your feelings, and she also knows she will get her way because, you have always caved when she guilts you into something. Many of us men (females too, to be fair), are suckers for the emotional onslaught of our partners, but over time, and usually because we are sick of being the one that always caves, even when we are right, we start to stand up, and say NO, when its necessary, and even push back, when they take it to far.

I think its fair to stand up for what's right, when you believe it, and even to strongly disagree when they are dead wrong, or unfair.

That's what my advice to you is. Learn to stand up for your beliefs, and not get pushed around, because as its important to love, and protect our partners, its even more important to love yourself.

She cannot abuse, or blackmail your heart, or intimidate, and manipulate, your thinking, unless you let her.

Love is not being a victim to another to have their way. Love is not always giving them what they want at your expense. Love is not eating their crap either, if you know that doesn't work for you.

The way I see it, as you seem to want to make her happy with all your heart, sometimes being an unmoving brick wall is also showing love when its necessary. (tough love)

Whether you know it or not, she is very carried away by the power you give her, and at some point, you make a stand and say "enough and what your doing is not fair and I ain't going for it!!" Then you have to stand your ground.

Your dignity and self respect will love you for it, trust me. So will she, if she loves, and respects you, for who you are and not what you give her, as much as you do her.

Forget the fear of her reactions, and actions, as there is no argument as to whether your right or wrong. Doesn't matter who is. You have to face her fury with the calm strength, that a cool head, will outlast a furious one.

Sometimes you have to meet the challenge head on to resolve it. Not slink away, and turn your anger, and frustrations on yourself, especially since this is an ongoing, frustration.

You aren't the only guy to face these problems, and will hardly be the last. But the bottom line is how you define YOURSELF, and deal with it according to what you think is fair, and right, and not be swayed by an emotional argument, that you clearly see is wrong.

When you accept bad behavior, you will ALWAYS get more.

[JudyKayTee]

I suspect that this is one of the problems in a relationship with a big age difference when the older female's virtues include a mothering instinct. She continues to "mother" in all phases of the relationship.