[jrussole]

For me, the best way to handle a relationship breakdown is to take some time to evaluate what happened and what to do next. Or if its even worth your time or effort? You can't make someone care about you, if they don't. No matter what you do. You can only tell them that you are available if and when they want to talk or embrace. Loving someone, sometimes means sacrificing your own wishes for that of the others. Rejection has a sharp edge and if your not careful it can turn around a spear you with the other matching end.

[wap]

Well, there are many people here that will be able to sympathise with you. Best thing to do is try to keep as busy as possible, give yourself goals for the new year. Get fit, join clubs, go out with friends, meet up with family, best to keep active. You will have good days and bad days. You will go through many emotions, and although the whole experience is absolutely horrible, you can become a stronger person for it. We all have regrets about being needy etc, we can't help that, this is what we thought was best to do at the time. I too feel this, if I hadn't called my ex when he was thinking about ending the relationship, it might have helped. The agonising thing is we will never know the answers to some questions.

I have seen someone really go downhill after a breakup. She lost loads of weight, was drinking all the time, took 2 months off work. I decided I was not going to be like that. I had a bad time at the beginning, but I just kept going to the gym, I joined a night class etc. Drinking does not help. You need good friends to give you support, and you will find good support here.

[MistyGurl]

I am pretty much going through the same thing and it is so hard! It has been 6 months now and it still hurts just like it happened yesterday! It will just take a lot of time but time does heal all wounds as they say. You will meet someone else special someday when you are ready but just take time and try new things, keep your mind off it and each day will get better and better. :o)

[wap]

I am 6 months down the line too... yeah it is still hard.

[talaniman]

First off, leave the guilt alone . Most times we want to wonder what we did to mess up this relationship and push some one away, and the truth is that it had nothing to do with you. Some times a relationship doesn't work just because, and its no ones fault, so don't be so quick to take on guilt, its no ones fault. Accept that it is over and be ready to move on. What most of us do is build a life around our partner and depend on them for our happiness and security. So unbalanced and unhealthy as well as smothering and way to needy. Its best to maintain a life you enjoy without your partner, and give them and you space to grow and do what they enjoy doing on their own. Once you accept the relationship is over, not only will you heal faster but will be much healthier moving on.

[Geoffersonairplane]

I will admit that in a lot of ways, my ex became a big part of my life and It is so easy to lose yourself in someone which is so unhealthy. When it comes to an abrupt end, you question everything and place too much blame either on yourself or the person that dumped you. In the end, it can drive you insane, thinking, thinking and thinking some more. The first month was a nightmare for me and I was a complete mess or at least, that is what I thought, totally broken up inside... Now things are much clearer and although I still hurt inside, I am in a position where I can step outside for a minute and look inwards.

The best thing you can do is to keep yourself busy, remain out of contact with your ex and begin to work on yourself... I have now taken up a couple of hobbies that I never paid any attention to while I was with her and I feel better for it.. This is a fine example of how you must still keep other areas of your life active while in a relationship. Although I did have a life outside my ex, I certainly think that some parts of my life became dormant and neglected because of my distraction with her..

Also, instead of thinking, try to feel! There is a difference. It all takes time and you will hurt for some time. Time has actually been my most powerful tool in the healing process..

So I am going to say it again because I love it so much!! TIME IS A GREAT HEALER

Everyone has a different time scale and there are no definite limits to how long it can take. I am not fully healed yet but I will tell you that I feel so much better than I did 3 months ago.

You will get there 4answers... You really will.

[jrussole]

I have a friend who just had a break up with her husband after 30 years of marriage due to infidelity on her husbands part. She called me in the middle of the night tonight in tears. Why? Because her mother asked her, "What did you do to make him want someone else?" Talk about an insensitive mother! A lot of the time, when a relationship ends, it is the woman that gets all of the flack whether it was her fault or not. I believe it is very sad for this way of thinking. Now, on top of feeling like crap that her husband cheated on her with someone 20 years her junior, she has to be belittled by her mother of all people. I just don't get insensitive people! And probably never will! She needed support and understanding. Not a put down!

[s_cianci]

You handle a relationship breakdown by doing the no contact thing first and foremost. Then you get busy and get a life. Do the things that interest you and put yourself first. Take up new interests or "dust off" old ones. This will make you a stronger and healthier person.

[chuff]

I think a big mistake people make is to start over thinking, "where did I go wrong" or What if I did this?" Your so emotionally wrapped up that that's the wrong time to start play What ifs. You have to look back months maybe even years later to try and figure out what went wrong.

Sometimes relationships just end. That has to be accepted. It's not taught in movies or culture but it's a reality. A relationship cannot sustain itself if one party is absent or chooses to get out.

[4answers]

? Is it best to stay friends if you think you ex has a new partner.

She is not telling me anything, but she does not seem at all bothered about us not being together, it is like our time together was a bit of fun !

I am hurt that we are not together, she seems pleased. I would have thought she would have a desire to work things out.

Its like all her words were false !

[wap]

I would say don't stay friends, it will hurt you too much

[4answers]

No contact is for healing, but once passed this stage, is it best to try to get the past partner back and risk them being with another, pushing them away etc or best not to try but let them know your available. Or aviod all aspect of contact ?

The first one shows that your available but risks the person gameplaying with your feelings till they find another, or pushing them away further because they don't want to communicate with you.

The second runs the risk of you being a dormat in the other persons eyes or being seen in the friendship way.

The third might push them to look for another because they think you are already doing that.

What's your thoughts guys ?

In what way is it best to increase your value to the other person. Is this possible ?

[talaniman]

When you have reached the point you are healthy and can make healthy decisions, then you can best answer all those questions yourself. If you cannot, then I would suggest you have not gotten to that point in time yet.

[kay13]

I think you get to a point where you just wouldn't contemplate going back with an ex-partner. You are still analysing 'what happens next' when you shouldn't really care.

[momincali]

Tal nailed it, nailed it, nailed it! You will know when you are truly in that healthy place. More than likely, when you do reach that place, you won't give a rat's behind about that person or the games they are capable of playing because you will be busy moving forward with your life.

[4answers]

Ex girlfriend and I split about 3 mon!ths ago. We have had a period of no contact. But have always kept each others contact details.

She knows I did not want the split and wanted to make ammends but it was not what she wanted. However today I loged onto msn messenger only to find that she has deleted me from her contact list, not blocked me.

This hurts, its like there is no feeling left at all ! I don't want to contact her and it be unwelcome or to find she has another. But I still would like to reconsile.

I am tempted to send a message asking if it is no contact she wants, but then this is showing her that I still want her, and I am not sure if this is wise.

Is it better to be in a position of not wanting her or showing her that you want her and risk her making a fool of you ? Very confused at this point on how to proceed ?

Any suggestions on the best way to proceed ? (I have deleted her contact details from my list so that I cannot see if she is online, but I have not blocked her).

((( I don't want to appear like I am doing all the chasing, or I will be open to be made a fool of, Already did the needy ex bit! Guess I want to turn back time.. lol, not possible though !))).

??

[Bluerose]

Let it go and move on. Look forward to the time when you will have someone else's details on MSN. Take care of you.

[4answers]

Relationship ended, her feelings gone, all could have been resolved with communication, instead of love being lost !

Her internal switch of interest flicked to non interest and once that happened nothing I did / do makes a happeth of difference.

It just feels so wrong, she is missing out on a lot of love and there is F*** All I can do about it !

You know when you just want to sceam at the situation!! Your being forced down a road of no contact, heartbreak, pain and loss and its so not what you want ! And its so not what she wants out of life... Irony, what she wanted is what she give up... You go figure !

Where Now ! Do you continue to try whilst she moves on or do you not try and live life Knowing this is wrong ! Only to meet years later and her like you again.

So many times this has happened in the past, an ex wanting you back, so why did they part in the first place, especially since they knew they were breaking your heart.


How do you resolve the unresolveable !

[LBP]

She just wants something else and there's nothing you can do about it, buddy... I can sympathize. The amazing thing is how she can so clearly not give a crap, eh? YOu just have to find someone else who will treat you right.

I'll bet she didn't even say she was sorry, did she? She ain't worth the time... Impossible advice, but it's true true true my friend.

[manimuth]

Nothing is as painful as loving someone who can care less.
Shake it off. Clear your head and heart of her. DON'T try to find answers or reasons or explanations or even regrets.
Oh and by the way, time really does heal. It may hurt to breathe right now but one day you will be able to look back...
There are many threads on this site that you can look to for more guidance on how to keep yourself busy and distracted while you heal.