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BlazingCold · Dec 13, 2006, 05:35 PM

Hey 4.

I know what you're saying. If you're like me, your anger might stem from blaming yourself about the end of your relationship. This is natural and I'd like to think everyone goes through this (dumpees). The key thing is not to let the anger consume you. If it does, you will either lash out at yourself (doing self-hating things), at others (driving away friends), or most dangerously at your ex (which opens up new levels of hurt). Channeling your anger into construcutive projects help a great deal, whether going to the gym, doing a hobby, or using it as a (very powerful) motivation to change yourself. If you control your anger, rather than letting it control you, you'll see that you can use it to positive ends. Eventually, your anger will fade, and you will have made progress to boot!

chuff · Dec 13, 2006, 05:41 PM

I suggest working out. Exercise makes you feel better and if you really push yourself then you forget about everything else for awhile. I'm not a runner but when I lift I get a natural high that I think is a "runners high." If you don't like lifting then do cardio. Just do something. Walk if you have to.

valinors_sorrow · Dec 13, 2006, 05:50 PM

Like Allheart I believe that anger has other things behind it. Hurt is definitely a part of anger. Frustration, probably because you feel stuck there. And the big daddy feeeling that loves to hide behind other feelings, fear. Fear maybe that you don't know how to process things like other people and never will. Or maybe that you'll never get what you want. If it is that, I am telling you now that is a BIG FAT LIE. It is important to get at what it really is, I think and for all humans that can take a bit of digging. We don't always tell ourselves the rock bottom truth about what's going on. And when we get to it, it often isn't a truth we've been telling ourselves either - GO FIGURE!

I saw your threads before, 4answers, and wanted to say something about what I have seen people with anger issues do. With help mostly, they found they could learn and learn they did and when they got done learning a few simple things, OMG what different people they were and effortlessly too! They learned that not knowing how to deal with anger constructively wasn't their fault, for starters. They were taught by people who didn't know any better too. But as adults, we are all free to change whatever was lacking in how we were raised. And so they learned and were set free from their pasts and their frustrations and their limitations. And you can be too.

Where I live there are anger management classes that I am sure you could attend. I think you just might be the only one there voluntarily but hoorah for that!! People are "sentenced" to them from domestic violence cases. But do not let that slow you down, pass go and collect $200 anyway! No, wait, that's monopoly LOL Look into if you have those classes in your area too. Look into what you can do to learn more about you and become empowered to do something about it...

I mean it could make such a difference to the entire rest of your life, you know?

PS - Self anger is always the toughest for me too. I like the physical approach too and usually vent it cleaning out closets LOL but also it's a clue for me to learn something and so I open myself up to that as well. A lot of times, right there in the middle of reconstructing the closet, a lightbulb goes on in my head and I suddenly get what it was I didn't get before!

4answers · Dec 14, 2006, 04:50 AM

Hi guys, thanks for the replies.

My anger issues caused the original break up, then prevented a repair and drove the girl away. This was fuelled by frustration over the situation, the girl did not help matters, but I should not need her to act in a certain way to prevent me from being angry and lashing out.

Due to this I was horrible, nasty to and have given someone I care about a totally wrong opinion of me.

So I have a lot of anger over the situation, my reactions, my actions and the loss of the relationship because of this ! <A vicious spiral of self anger, that I am really strugling to cope with>

I am going to look into anger management, I believe that is good advice. (dont know about cleaning cuboards though!. lol).

This hopefully will prevent this from happening in the future because I will / may be in a position to prevent the lashing out.

But how do I deel with the feelings of Anger/ Guilt / Hurt / Loss all caused by myself which makes me angry!?

Allheart · Dec 14, 2006, 04:57 AM

Hi 4,

Recognizing is a big major first step. Sounds like you are more frustrated with yourself and disappointed, as you know you are capable of doing and being so much better.

The anger management is excellent advice and I am sure they will help you greatly in sorting out how to deal with all of these negative feelings.

First, accept that all of this did happen, learn from it, take the lessons with you, but you have to at some point let the neagative feelings go and somehow turn it into a positive, like learning from it so as to prevent it from happening again.

The sooner you enroll in a management anger class, I would think the sooner you will be given insight in how to deal with all that you are experienicng.

Good for you in taking that first step of acknowlegement!!

talaniman · Dec 14, 2006, 06:35 AM

Acceptance is the first step in dealing with anything, and learning is essential in finding ways to change how you deal with feelings and situations. Its not easy changing how we have been doing things in the passt but through practice we can change most things about us. Practice=work.

valinors_sorrow · Dec 14, 2006, 06:58 AM

I have a trick I use when too angry but it takes a pretty firm belief that anger often is just fear with a lot of energy in it LOL so...

When angered I go looking for the fear. Honestly, its like being on an emotional safari. I ask myself a lot of questions. LOL Once I get the fear in my sites (and you'll know when it's the right one, its right there practically roaring at you!) I ask myself in as Spock-like manner as possible, is this fear accurate? 99.9% of the time it IS NOT and so I have a little sit-down-chat with myself and reprogram my thinking to something more truthful. By then a lot of the anger has subsided too and I have distracted myself from doing anything rash in the meantime!

This comes out of years of therapy but its an easy habit to develop and can work in many different circumstances. I hope that helps a little until you get to class. I am very pleased that you are willing to take that suggestion - I believe that action will pay and pay handsomely to you!

JDOP · Dec 14, 2006, 07:59 AM

If you are angy (at yourself or others), or scared or hurt. I suggest you listen to a bruce springsteen album called "darkness on the edge of town". It is about exorcising some serious demons and it will make you realize that there are many people (everybody) who have gone and are going through the same emotions as you

4answers · Dec 19, 2006, 06:39 AM

Hi Guys for those following my story, I am having great difficulty putting the past relationship behind me. I have done no contact, but I cannot come to terms with the issues of the past relationship!!

I just cannot seem to accept that a person can be the way she is and just give up on a relationship. I know I should not think about things, but I am finding it very hard

Any suggestions / advice ?

NeedKarma · Dec 19, 2006, 06:44 AM

Why would you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you? Isn't a mutual relationship someone you'd want?

Geoffersonairplane · Dec 19, 2006, 06:46 AM

Moved this from the other thread that you replied in as this relates to your new thread.