[BWK10]

Threads merged

I'll try to keep this as short as I possibly can, fill you in on my situation and what the problem is that I can't overcome that seems to be slowing down my recovery time from my broken heart. I'm not trying to make a self pity post, and I'm not trying to win her back... I am simply just denying myself the ability to heal in a few single ways that I cannot seem to overcome. I have read some amazing things, on this board and others. Some great advice, perhaps its my own willpower that is causing me to do this. Anyway, to make light of my situation I'll try and break it down as short as I can.

I met her online, through a dating website. I never had any luck being a social butterfly so I took the high route, tried the internet thing and it worked! I was so ecstatic to make this connection with someone, we talked about ten months before meeting (Why so long? We broke communication for awhile inbetween). Anyway, it finally came to the point where we met, and it started, we began dating. I knew the whole time she had a son, at this time he would have only been 7 months old. It never bothered me, I never looked at it was baggage just looked at it as an important part of her life, and since he was the biggest part of her world, I wanted to make sure I made him a big part of my life too.

I met her family, her friends and I frequently stayed at her place (outside of town) for 2-3 days straight. It was wonderful, her family embraced me (they constantly told me they thought I was good for her and her son). I fell in love with her, and her son. She never was using me, she never asked me for a single thing for her son, the only thing I ever bought him was a toy truck for Christmas. Everything was going great, I couldn't be happier, a smile could never leave my face. When I was not in town, we would text and talk on the phone pretty much every night. Her son started calling me Dad, I would play with him all the time... I would do anything she would ask me to do to help her out. The simple things, warm up bottles, grab pacifiers... nothing major.

The conversation came up about moving in together, I would move so her son could be close to his family, all his family... they all live in the same town. My family all lived out east, besides my Mother and brother who only lived an hour outside of town. This wasn't a big deal for me, I could still do everything I wanted. I agreed, two short months and I could be with her all the time, and her son. I was ecstatic, I would finally not only see her every few weeks but basically everyday. She was thrilled too, she cried and told everyone right away. "He's coming, hes coming in two months!". Ill still never forget the smile, the joy on her face. I would be with her, and her son.

I don't know what happened, things changed in ONE single night. We decided to go to the bar. Her sister, a mutual friend, her and I. I decided I would ride with "Rob" to the bar, so she could pick up her sister and "Rob" wouldn't have to go alone. I didn't see this as that big of a deal, apparently it was. We had two drinks, only stayed out an hour and on the way home I asked what was wrong. "You have been rude to me ALL DAY!" she said, we got home and went to bed. She kissed me, said she loved me and went to sleep. The next morning she was really bitter, I could tell by the look on her face. We were in the kitchen, feeding her son. "Whats wrong?" I asked, "You were SO rude to me yesterday". We talked about what happened, she was upset I never went to the bar with her. Now, I can understand that a bit, but never thought it would be THAT big of a deal. So, that day we drove back into town. I had work that night.

She ignored me the entire time, she put in her iPod. I grabbed her hand, held it the whole way home. As we arrived at my place, I looked at her... and the look on her face I knew it was going to end. She looked at me, "Ill always love you" as I kissed her, a mutual kiss. "I love you" as I got out of the car... her son looking at me. I didn't know this would be the last time I would see him. She contacted me about an hour later, said she couldn't do it anymore. I was too clingy, too needy... the same cop out crap everyone says. That's all I got.

My heart broken, I cried for days... at the drop of a dime. I would cry for 10 minutes, 20 minutes... I could barely work, in fact I called in sick that day, first time I have ever missed work. Week went by, and randomly who shows up at my work place... her, and her two sisters. Nobody said anything, she was there for ten minutes and left. It never upset me, rather confused me. It was like she was checking up on me, to see how I was without saying anything. I already started NC, but I couldn't help myself but try and figure out why she came into work. She just said "I never thought you would be working"... I am one of only three people who work FULL time there. I am there 90% of the time. Anyway, we haven't talked since that day.

Her birthday rolled around last week, I was thinking about sending her a "Happy Birthday" text, that's all... to let her know I still care, still love her, and still think about her. I objected against it, staying NC... knowing the response I would get would be "Thanks" or no response at all. Little did I know, her birthday... new boyfriend. Two weeks after breaking up. I was heart broke again, thinking maybe she just needed sometime to think about what she wanted, apparently not.

Anyway, my problem. I can't help myself but "check up" on her. I'm not stalking her, not going to her place or anything. I can't help but not check her face book, its how I found out about her new boyfriend, her still moving into the house WE were going to get, her new job... how happy she is. I don't have her on my face book, but I can still view her "Wall" and her status updates. I can't help myself, it's setting me back. I can't help but think about her at work, at home, when I am out with friends. I miss her, and still am in love with her.

What can I do to try and stop this?

[notsogreat]

I know how difficult this must be for you. May I ask how old the two of you are? How long did the relationship last? It is possible that if her son was 7 months old when you started talking to her, she was either still with the father of the son, or just fresh on a breakup. I am getting a feeling from reading about the two of you, that you may have been her rebound. Is it possible that you were? You seemed to have moved awfully fast, and right there is a red flag. It is unfortunate that if this was the case, she needed you to get over the hurt of her breakup, and maybe she just caused a "fight" with you because she no longer needed you. That is the role of a rebound relationship. Once they are over the past, they want to move on, and you may just remind her of someone who helped her through a difficult transition in her life. I wish you well in your recovery from this breakup. You really need to stop checking on her Facebook. MY ex and I blocked each other from everything. I was dumped, and I used to check his sites for just a crumb of info, and once I was blocked, I was able to move on. You are just holding yourself back by looking at things that are no longer your business. Keep your head up, only time will heal.

[BWK10]

We are both 21, her and the father were split up before she even knew she was pregnant. They were off for 6 months before she and I started dating. We were together for half a year.

[notsogreat]

Did she discuss the relationship with her ex with you? I am sure it must have been very hard for her to have a pregnancy and have the baby all by herself and her emotions must have been all over the place. I really do think that perhaps she does not want to tie herself down to one person, she could still be healing from the relationship, plus the two of you are really young. Six months together is not a long time to most, but I am sure that it feels like an eternity to you. Heartbreak has no timeline. All I can offer you is to move on and look ahead to your future, and be thankful that this girl set you free to find someone who truly deserves your love.

[BWK10]

We talked about that relationship, it was non-existent. I saw her son more in a week than he has his entire life. She already has a new boyfriend two weeks after us spliting up.

[notsogreat]

My Ex Fiancée whom I was with for ten years, was in a new relationship within 10 days of our breakup, he moved in with her within a month, and now they are getting married this August, after being together for a little over a year. Unfortunately, there are people out there who don't fully understand what a relationship entails. It seems like it is the good girls/guys that get left in the dust. I know you must have a whole lot of emotions going on, anger, sadness, frustration, that is all normal. But please take my advice, the longer you are checking up on her, and seeing that she has moved on, you are only going to feel worse. It is best to remember the good times you shared, and chalk it up to a lesson learned. I know it is tough, because it seems like you grew attached to her son, (she never should have introduced the two of you until she was sure she wanted the relationship, it just confused and hurts the kids), but this is not your fault. You have to realize that you did nothing wrong in contributing to the demise of the relationship, and live your life happily. It will take time, so spoil yourself, hang out with friends, but block her from contacting you. You will only slow your healing process otherwise. She may realize one day what she lost, but by then, you may be moved on in a healthy loving relationship, and she will feel what you are feeling right now.

[BWK10]

It's just difficult, cause if six months down the road she wants to talk... id find it incredibly hard not to talk to her and see what's up. Remember, we stopped talking for a few months and one day she decided to text me and we started talking again.

[notsogreat]

I understand that. I used to think the same thing, if my ex contacted me I would talk to him or not, but thankfully he never did contact me. I have to see him occasionally, and it really hurt at first, but I really try not to notice him at all, and it has become easier. Who knows where you will be in six months? Hopefully you will take my advice and cease all contact including Facebook, myspace, text, email, and take time for yourself. Try to keep busy, stay active, go have fun. In short, be 21! Oh if I could have my 20's back, I would be so happy. I lost my 20's in that toxic relationship I was in, and if I had to do it all over, I would run! But in your shoes, being fresh out of a breakup, I did not know that. The love you have for her is real. Never be angry at yourself for caring. One day you will find a wonderful woman who will sweep you off your feet and make you feel like the good guy you are. You will look back at this relationship as just one step closer to finding a great girl. I promise :)

[BWK10]

We can only hope, I can't tell you how many tears I've cried in the past month, the hurt I have felt and the sense of loss. She was my first true love, and it's hard to let go of her. I can't help but think about her everyday.

[notsogreat]

You will probably never totally get over her. Some people live their lives and still love their ex's. Despite all the pain my ex caused me, I still love him. It IS possible to love someone, but they are not the right ones to be in a relationship with. I still cry sometimes and it has been over a year for me. But I feel like it is healthy to let out your emotions, it frees yourself up from the baggage you would carry into a new relationship. I know the thought of being with someone new at this point of your life is non-existant, but you will one day. But take your time, don't rush. There is not a day that does not go by that I don't think of my ex. But it is more like "Thank God I dodged that bullet". There are 5 stages of Grief. You will have to go through them all. The hardest one to get over is the first step where you are. You are in shock. Does everything around you feel like it is Weird? I remember going to work and staring at my computer screen and then I would look at the clock and hours would have passed. You are going to get really angry at one point. What helped me is writing my feelings down, angry letters to my ex (but don't actually send them). I have reread them recently and I can't help but shake my head at how I was feeling, but it was my feelings at the time. You will get through this.

[BWK10]

I'm past the initial shock, the constant crying... done all that. I just can't help but think about her ALL the time, and check up on her

[notsogreat]

I promise you that once you stop checking up on her, it will become easier. You will have thoughts of her, but slowly over time, your hurt and grief will fade. She as well as you has a right to live your life, so if she chose to move on quickly into another relationship, there is nothing you can do about it. Just wish her the best (in your head), and once you forgive her for hurting you (you don't have to say that to her, just in your mind and heart), then you will again see how easier it will get for you. I wish you luck, I will give others a chance to advise you. Keep your head up. :)

[talaniman]

Just to add to some great points by Notsogreat, basically she has dumped you several times and this is the final one. I think you had enough real flags that would, if paid attention to, made you a lot more cautious of this female and not be so quick to get carried away by her willing nature, or soothing words.

To now move forward, stop checking on her as you rebuild your life, and remember if it looks to good to be true, it probably is, in regard to Internet hook ups.

You had some high hopes and got carried away, now you must exercise patience as you heal from this episode, that just didn't work like you thought.

Losing that first love sucks, but at least you will learn how best to cope in the future with those very strong intense feelings she brought out in you.

[Jake2008]

There are people, both male and female, that cannot accept a 'normal' loving relationship, or even know what that is. There are many who cannot accept that love is given without condition, and that there are men out there who don't run away where a woman with a child is concerned.

I think it isn't so much what lacks in you, as what lacks in her. To make such a commitment with you, and then turn on a dime, speaks volumes in my opinion.

You are the one that offered love, stability, a good influence on her son, a bright future, no drama, and faithfulness.

What did she offer in return?

Your needs have to be met here, and her shortcomings will become clear to you as time goes on.

If she had a serious commitment to another man two weeks after you split up, she was involved with you AND him long before you became aware of it.

You sound like a great guy to me, and I don't think you should shoulder the blame here, for what she didn't tell you, and for the manipulation.

You need to see all the positive things you can bring into the life of someone, and bring that to the next relationship.

You can do much better.

[BWK10]

Thanks for all the insight, it means a lot to hear some of these things. I am going to try my hardest to stop looking at her things, my will power isn't too great in that regard. Let's see how things roll. Anymore opinions on this would be great to hear!

[BWK10]

[QUOTE=talaniman;2246987]Just to add to some great points by Notsogreat, basically she has dumped you several times and this is the final one. I think you had enough real flags that would, if paid attention to, made you a lot more cautious of this female and not be so quick to get carried away by her willing nature, or soothing words.

She never dumped me several times either, just the once.

[amicon]

Find the willpower to not do it,as that will help you get over her more quickly.

Take it one day at the time and before you know it , a week will have gone by,then a month.

[Hot water]

Yeah dude, everyone has the "checking up" problem to some extent. Maybe delete your Facebook, or block her... although I'm not sure if that keeps you from going to hers.

[BWK10]

I tried deleting Facebook, all I have to do is reactivate it to view it again. It's really harder than I thought it was.

[Hot water]

Eventually you'll get bored of it. But another thing you could do is contact her and ask her to make her wall private. I know that would be uncomfortable and weird, but it would help you and cut ties even further with her.