[Wondergirl]

My MIL is going to be 91 this year. She cannot go shopping to buy clothes and wears the same pair of slacks to every doctor appointment. I bought her a nice new pair in one of her favorite colors, let her try them on for size, shortened them to fit her, and she was very pleased. She knew this was a late Christmas gift to her from me. She then sent me a thank-you note that contained $50.

Over the years, this has always been her practice: after Christmas and birthdays, she will sneak several hundred dollars to my husband (her son) to pay us back for the gifts we gave her and my FIL when he was alive. Every Christmas when she and I were younger, I would, in agreement with her, bake 35 dozen Christmas cookies for "open house" events she would host during the holidays. The agreement included the fact she would reimburse me for ingredients, but the baking would be one of my Christmas gifts to her. Of course, you have figured out by now that, after the holidays, she managed to find some excuse to give me extra money to pay for my baking. By the way, she somehow manages to give payback money to EVERYone who gives her a gift or a treat of some kind -- neighbors who take out and bring back in her garbage cans, nieces who visit her (and bring small gifts of food that they know she likes), grandchildren who happily decorate her house for Christmas, etc.

Her parents were both alcoholics, so I've decided that she does not feel worthy of any gift. I want to send her a note to tell her the slacks I bought and hemmed for her were a FREE GIFT OF LOVE, but I honestly don't believe she would understand (and never has before this when anyone told her that). I do not want the $50. My inclination is to thank her and, without telling her, send it to a local charity--a horse rescue or a cat shelter. What do you think?

[talaniman]

She is 91, and is set in her ways. Use it to keep giving her gifts, and things she needs.

Someday you can tell her what you have done but for now just make the old lady happy the best you can, no matter what she does.

I think giving you the money is her way of saying thanks for caring, so see it as her gift to you.

Its kind of sweet if you think about it.

[Wondergirl]

She is 91, and is set in her ways. Use it to keep giving her gifts, and things she needs.

Someday you can tell her what you have done but for now just make the old lady happy the best you can, no matter what she does.

I think giving you the money is her way of saying thanks for caring, so see it as her gift to you.

Its kind of sweet if you think about it.

She has tons of money, and this has always been her way. It's just so frustrating to those who try to give her a gift or do a chore for her (out of love), like cleaning her bathroom or wiping up her kitchen, that she has to pay them back with cash. She can't get out easily or do things for herself any longer, so I can understand from that angle (for her, money is the only way she thinks she can thank them properly), but even when I first met her back in the '60s, she was this way.

So what should I do with the $50? I don't want it.

[amicon]

I don't think you can get her to understand or change her ways,that's part of who she is.
As for the money I'd give it to a favourite charity.

[Jake2008]

Wondergirl, you are a sweet and generous soul, just like her.

I can understand why you would not want her to give you money for gifts from the heart.

I think your idea to give the money to charity is a good one.