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Markus85 · Feb 20, 2010, 12:01 PM

Hi!

At the risk of sounding like a high school junior: I'm a grad student and last year became friends with someone in my class. To me he became my best friend here and I believe it must have meant something to him too. Actually, he is almost the brother that I never had and I think we both became very attached to each other. He helped me through some problems I had with the school's administration and some job concerns, as I am a person that worries A LOT about everyone and everything.

This year we moved in together and I think we're great room mates: we both keep the apt. clean and we hardly see each other in the apt as we stick to our rooms. Nevertheless he is always reserved and hardly ever seems to want to hang out anymore like last year. And when we do things together, we usually hang out with mutual friends. He doesn't talk to me generally when other friends are there. And he enjoys making fun of me for various things in front of our friends--and he only does it to me. I have no problem with rough jokes and humor but over the last semester I felt he was putting me down a lot. I've talked to him and he says nothing has changed. He knows how I feel about our friendship but he never said or showed that he even cared I exist in the past few months, while I try to go out of my way to do anything and everything for my friends.

A week ago I had enough when I needed his help organizing an event. He just had to drive me to a store to pick something up. I asked him the day before and he didn't really respond. I asked him at lunch if he could drive me and he smiled at me and said "maybe, I have important things to do." Thinking he was joking around again and not knowing what to say I laughed. He then said, "if you hadn't laughed it wouldn't have been a problem but now it is." I let it go but I asked again at night and he smiled at me and said "I told you I won't drive you." I knew he was not kidding because he had done this before. Apparently he considers it a dare when I don't beg him and fall for his jokes. And he didn't have anything to do that night, I know that for a fact.

So now I am trying not to talk to him and avoid him as much as possible. I don't know how long I can go on not talking to him because I miss him as a friend and it is becoming awkward around our mutual friends. But if I give in now, I'm afraid he'll continue treating me badly. At the same time he now has started ignoring me too and doesn't even seem to want to know why I am not talking to him. Maybe it's another dare for him and he wants to see who can do this longer. Other friends have told me that he isn't a friend and I need to cut ties if he's treating me badly at the same time I still care a lot for him and I don't want to lose his friendship (if there ever was one). I guess I just want him to make the first move (for the first time in this friendship) and show that he cares. Is that wrong? Should I give in and talk to him? Or should I just see how long it will take until we talk again? Do you think our friendship is just an illusion I've been having?

Thanks for any help and sorry this is so long...
Markus

cdad · Feb 20, 2010, 12:09 PM

Are either of you gay? If not then maybe that is a fear of his. There is nothing wrong with guys being friends but in today's times it seems everyone like to throw labels around. Maybe you need to reconsider your friendship and move out on your own.

Markus85 · Feb 20, 2010, 12:17 PM

Not that I'm aware of... although I have to say I grew up in a different culture where it's normal for friends (also guys) to hug and where nobody has a problem when three guys sit on a three person couch. Apparently my friends here think that that's weird. I mean I talked to my girlfriend about the situation and she though that having problems like not being able to sit on a couch is weird. I guess I am extremely confused what to make of all of this.

cdad · Feb 20, 2010, 12:22 PM

I just threw that out there because it might be your friend is trying to avoid the appearance of being gay. There is a lot of stigma associated with it. It was just a thought I was trying to pass along so you can understand ones mindset. Also most guys I know don't hug unless there is a death or your related to that person. So it could be your attitude in this situation that is making him uncomfortable.

Markus85 · Feb 20, 2010, 02:28 PM

Thanks califdadof3. I've not really hugged anyone of my friends here because I can tell from their body language that they would never be OK with that. Funny thing though is that this guy I'm talking about had no problem hugging me (as in he "offered" it) when we went home for the winter. But we were alone and maybe you're right there. Still, I feel that me not talking to him makes it worse. At the same time I fell that if I give in and try to settle this first I'll lose all respect...