[Synnen]

Enough!

Stick to the topic at hand, or I'll delete ALL of the arguments between you.

This argument is heading quickly toward childish.

I expect a topic like this to be discussed by ADULTS.

[Jake2008]

I agree with you Synnen, I don't argue my opinion, I do my best to give an honest answer to what is presented.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...do-448160.html

[hoosiergirl65]

I don't understand the agree/disagree posts on #5. What does "balancer" mean? And the term "reddie" lol! TIA...

[Jake2008]

All it means is that a 'disagree' or 'reddie' goes against the reputation of the person receiving it. If it was not understood, or appropriately given, 'balancer' balences the incorrect response.

It's only factual information that is wrong, not opinions.

[hoosiergirl65]

I will be filing for divorce within the next couple of months. For those out there that have done the 50/50 time arrangement with your kid(s) please could you tell me how you did it, what days, etc? Ideas from those that have not gone through this are welcomed too. 50/50 is the only way me and my husband will have it (not saying he nor I wouldn't take more), he already told me that. Also we would be living within 15 minutes take or give of each other after the split. Most kids are not in a 50/50 time arrangement, from what I've heard others say. They are mostly with one spouse while the other sees them every other weekend or every weekend. I just need to know this so we can get this straightened out before court and someone doesn't end up being VERY unhappy about the visitation arrangements, most importantly our son. He is our first priority. Won't the court pretty much go with what everyone wants if this is worked out ahead of time? This is a HUGE bump in the road for me, so HELP!! Thanks...

[cdad]

I don't understand the agree/disagree posts on #5. What does "balancer" mean? And the term "reddie" lol! TIA...

Look here.

Ref:

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/forum-...nes-24951.html

[dynocompe]

Well if you think about it, if you have your kids during the week, if they are already in school, and your husband has them on the weekends, that is almost 50/50 , because in those two days on the weekend, he could spend every minute with the kids. Where as during the week, your at work, there in school, so you only get to see them for a few hours each night.
This method is much easier on the kids, rather than them staying at one home for a week, then the next home for a week. Its not stable for the children and they don't feel like they have a real home. I would really consider the weekend arrangement. And I am sure your husband will not be able to have them every weekend. So then in the summer he could take them for a few weeks to make up for lost time.
I find that is what a lot of couples do for 50/50, one partner has them on the weekends, and then when summer holidays come, they take the kids for a couple weeks.

I know its tuff to think about, hang in there

[hoosiergirl65]

My husband and I have 3 kids, one 23 and on his own, one 18 at home and one almost 11. We will be married 25 years in June. We have had a rough marriage, but there have been good times too. In the last 3 years he has become controlling, everything is "his" like the house for example, because he's paid for it. I have worked most of the time outside our home. I have prayed, talked about it in confidentiality to family and a friend. As I was dropping my youngest off at school one day after things had been peacefull for a couple of days he looked sad. As he was getting out of the car I said what's wrong, I can tell there is. He said "I just want the arguing to stop".That broke my heart. Right then I decided that I would get tougher yet, try to meet my husbands "demands" ex: nothing is ever clean enough, tells me I am not allowed to discipline our son let him do it, tells me what day I need to clean the house, etc. and that's just the tip of the iceberg. I just wanted to include this not because I am trying to badmouth him, I know I have my faults too. But now that I have decided to turn the other cheek and try harder to do what he wants, I find myself still knowing that I don't love him anymore and I know he doesn't me. He's told me to go to hell, hit the road, etc. over things that were pretty trivial. I just don't think you tell someone that you love those things. He wants to co-exist and that's all. We have not been intimate in probably 3 years. Things have been much quieter and the kids seem to be happier since I've been trying real hard to keep peace. But the fact still remains that we will have a child in the house for at least 8 more years and there's nothing between us but a platonic relationship. When all this arguing was going on I felt like I was having a nervous breakdown. I miss love in general, hugs, kisses, affection, being able to talk, etc. I miss it SO much. My husband does not want this; I've tried and he turns me away. I tried to suggest counseling, he said it wouldn't make any difference if the couselor didn't agree with him. But then I think would a divorce now, that things are better as far as fighting, would it be selfish of me to divorce him? He will never file just to "save face". I would be the only one to start the process. Please help me, should I just take my bed and lie in it, or should I think "life's too short?" Please help. I know the kids come first. But should we continue a loveless marriage for them? Thanks for any help...

[JudyKayTee]

I don't see that a loveless marriage benefits the child(ren). Children have a sense of what is going on in a house and I'm sure they are aware of the conflict.

If you are asking for opinions, my opinion is - if you're tried everything and don't want to be married to your partner any longer it's time to go.

I'm confused by this post in light of your other posts which appear to present different circumstances concerning your plans - https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/divorc...ld-450701.html and https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/divorc...lp-449258.html.

I think these threads should all be combined

[Cat1864]

hoosiergirl65 disagrees : These threads are not exactly the same. I wanted #28 to be posted on it's "own" so I could get some suggestions. Is it not all right to ask different questions within the same topic? I would not care if you delted all my previous thread starters but wo

Please review these rules on using the agree/disagree feature: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/forum-...nes-24951.html. JudyKayTee was only giving her opinion.

The facts presented in your other threads have bearing on how you portray yourself and your marriage. Yes, you were previously asking about your 'friend's' situation, but I think you have feelings that impact your viewpoint on that subject and how you view your marriage.

Staying married for the children doesn't work. As Judy said, children know when things aren't right and it sounds like your own son has come close to telling you the same thing.

IF both you and your husband are unable to work together to build a relationship, it may be time to dissolve the marriage. I do caution you to leave because you feel it it is best for each individual in your family and not because you may have another relationship lined up. You will need time to go through the separation, divorce and healing before getting into a new relationship.

[cdad]

Im going to say something non law related. And get to the law stuff in a minute. Marriage is not about love. And unless both parties understand that there is no hope. Marriage is about commitment. Love can fade and grow like a flower in a garden. But commitment must remain to keep the marriage intact. Having said that. Respecting each other is part of that basic commitment. That is the foundation that all marriages are built upon. From your situation the foundation has crumbled. And the house you built is about to tumble in on itself. The respect and commitment is gone and it is affecting your children.

Now for the legal stuff.

Its time you seek out a lawyer and make your plans. Don't plan on it being sweet. It's a very difficult thing to do. But in this case it seems the logical thing to do. We have already made suggestions as to what a divorce is like. Now is the time to step over the threshold and take that first step. It could be the snap of reality that hits him. Either way stand your ground and don't worry about the little stuff. Get good advice from a lawyer on how to proceed. Follow court orders as they are written. DO NOT interfere with visitation in any way. Also if he does bad mouth you to the children you can get a restraining order and put a stop to it.

[cdad]

Well if you think about it, if you have your kids during the week, if they are already in school, and your husband has them on the weekends, that is almost 50/50 , because in those two days on the weekend, he could spend every minute with the kids. Where as during the week, ur at work, there in school, so you only get to see them for a few hours each night.
This method is much easier on the kids, rather than them staying at one home for a week, then the next home for a week. Its not stable for the children and they dont feel like they have a real home. I would really consider the weekend arrangement. And I am sure your husband will not be able to have them every weekend. So then in the summer he could take them for a few weeks to make up for lost time.
I find that is what alot of couples do for 50/50, one partner has them on the weekends, and then when summer holidays come, they take the kids for a couple weeks.

I know its tuff to think about, hang in there

In order to give advice its helpful to understand the laws your dealing with and how they are treated by the states or an individual state. I suggest rather then talking off the top of your head to actually look up the laws before you start typing. Many states use the overnight method to calculate custody. So it can get very confusing. But lets follow your given example. Based on California law. Non custodial parent has the child every weekend. Custodial parent has the child weeknights for school. Friday night and Saturday night are spent with the noncustodial parent and the rest of the nights are spent with the custodial parent. So non custodial gets 2 nights credit a week. Custodial parent gets 5 nights credit a week. Please explain how that equates to 50/50 ?

Again you have been warned about giving improper advice. Please pay attention to it so your efforts can have a meaningful contribution.

[hoosiergirl65]

Well if you think about it, if you have your kids during the week, if they are already in school, and your husband has them on the weekends, that is almost 50/50 , because in those two days on the weekend, he could spend every minute with the kids. Where as during the week, ur at work, there in school, so you only get to see them for a few hours each night.
This method is much easier on the kids, rather than them staying at one home for a week, then the next home for a week. Its not stable for the children and they dont feel like they have a real home. I would really consider the weekend arrangement. And I am sure your husband will not be able to have them every weekend. So then in the summer he could take them for a few weeks to make up for lost time.
I find that is what alot of couples do for 50/50, one partner has them on the weekends, and then when summer holidays come, they take the kids for a couple weeks.

I know its tuff to think about, hang in there

Thanks for your advice; sorry there are some know it alls on here that are rude and tactless...

[cdad]

" hoosiergirl65 agrees : But should you stay committed in in a marriage that has no love? I somewhat agree with you, but I think marriage is a mixed bag, love, committment, etc. and I think one is just as important as the other. If it is commitment only I can do that somewhe "



What you have to understand in that statement I made is the commitment has to be on both sides. Not just a one sided deal. And if that base is there I believe the love can ebb and flow so yes it can disappear and return at times. Ask anyone married for 50 years and they will tell you it wasn't always love. It was levels but the love overall lasted through the years because of the foundation.

[Fr_Chuck]

Hoosiergirl, someone telling you what you want to hear when their answer is totally wrong is not good advice. We pride ourself on real legal advcie, not what someone heard on jude judy or miami vice.

So don't thank for poor advice

I know in GA it is how many days, not hours, if you have them on Monday and it is a school day, you still have them a day, 50 / 50 hear has to be equal number of days. That is how support is figured also

[JudyKayTee]

Thanks for your advice; sorry there are some know it alls on here that are rude and tactless...

You are agreeing with someone who said what you want to hear, not someone who told you what the law is.

Listen to this person and you're making a big mistake.

But, again, if you want someone to agree with you instead of giving you sound advice you found him.

[whichwaynow]

Osiergirl65;2240061]I know that post took a LOT of your time and I appreciate that. Yes, I have thought of waiting the 7years. I have thought of just ignoring him because a missed a spot on the table I just dusted, etc. The clincher is he is trying to turn the kids against me. They will say phrases that came from him because I've heard them too many times from him. I tried to explain to my youngest that I know he is caught in the middle; no one likes that. I made up this analogy: there is a long bridge between 2 mountains that are 10,000 ft above sea level. I know you don't want to be on that scary "bridge" so you feel like you have to run to one side or another. My husband can be convincing kniving.He is one smart cookie. He's right and everyone else is wrong; I try so hard to keep my mouth shut. Then along comes yet another "jab". He finds fault in everything I do. So this makes it REAL tough to live in the same house... [/QUOTE]

I understand what you are going through. He must be a narcissist or borderline personality disorder. Look it up by googling "BPD"

I took on my wife's ready made family of 4 kids 17 years ago... 3 different fathers, she was the "victim"... I now know why they all left.

She was very confident, intelligent, and since I knew nothing about raising a family, I allowed her to make the decisions, within reason...

As time went on, my input was no longer wanted or required. Even when it came to my personal finances... she took control of all of it. She has not had an income for at least 14 years.

Also, since my opinions didn't count, I was also stripped of any authority about the household and the kids...

My opinions equalled in her eyes, "calling her stupid" or "don't you trust me?'.... "what do YOU know" etc........

I have come to a point where 3 girls are out of the house and have kids... i am made to feel that i can only be a "grandparent" if she says so. if i leave, i will be shunned because of all of her rediculous crazy making..... if i utter one word while she is making a point and arguing,, it changes the whole issue.... she goes off on 10 different issues and the only thing anyone in the house hears, is her made up version of what is "really" going on... it gets intense.

I only say a couple words in my defense over something totally trivial, and pretty soon the whole house is mad at me... huh?

I don't think it will get any better if you stay... I am looking to get out.

These type of people never change and only see things their way...

And it gets worse... they stomp and stomp and never seem to let up.

When you are on your own... the kids will eventually come around and see you for who you really are... hopefully. At least that is my hope...

Got to go, she just came in and is huffy about something

[nmartinez1]

Im in a similar situation you are right now, fell out of love after 32yrs together 2 grown children and 3 grandchildren. I was with him since I was 16/17yrs old I'm 49 and was afraid of the real world without him, but what I did just took the plunge and moved out of my wonderful house 1 yr ago, is not as hard as you think, I know you have children but they will adjust and you have to stay strong for them, is better for your children if mom is
Strong and together, you have to be a good example for them. Do as I did, went for few counceling sessions to make sure I was doing the right thing. Went to a divorce seminar and learned my rights. Made a friendly connection with the ex and the kids are great about it now and its only been 1yr and a few months. Im in the process of hiring and atty for the divorce and life goes on.
My father is my heart at 79 yrs old I cannot live without him and his advise to me was, LIFE IS TO SHORT, LIVE IT AND MAKE IT A MASTERPIECE. He is my back bone. Even though he loves my ex husband he wants me to be happy. And I know that from Heaven your dad wants the same for you. Remember your dad is not here one earth but he is your GUARDIAN ANGEL, so count on him to send you in the right direction.
I HOPE THIS HELPS. KEEP ME POSTED.

NM

[ansataibn]

You are agreeing with someone who said what you want to hear, not someone who told you what the law is.

Listen to this person and you're making a big mistake.

But, again, if you want someone to agree with you instead of giving you sound advice you found him.

I find it hard for people to harsh with their opinions. Statements can be made in a more heartfelt concerned way. After all people come here for comfort and advice because they are in need and scared. And to support the man that was trying to help her he did after all state to get a lawyer. And of course that is the first step and very good advice.

[ansataibn]

No one in my family has ever divorced. I totally do not even know how to begin the process. What will it do to my senior in HS and my almost 11 year old? I can't BEAR the thought of not seeing them everyday. It will be a stuation where my husband will want time with them to be 50/50, nothing less. There's so many ppl out there that have a good reason for divorce like cheating, etc. but that is not the case here. Just irreconciliable differences. I just don't know if I'm mentally prepared to take this or not. He will not file; it would make him look bad he says. So i will have to do it. If the judge hands me down a blow to me, I think I would just fall apart and have to be committed. I wish I could just snap my fingers and be done with it. There is no love between us anymore so his feelings are mutual. He is vindictive and very witty and also strong-willed and self-disciplined. he would be able to put on a great show...while I would be faliing apart. My dad passed away on the 10th and during visitation and the funeral he never touched me, put his arm around me, or even told me he was sorry for me. So this gives you a better idea of what I'm dealing with here. I feel like my stomach is a blender. HELP!

I hope you have found some peace and hopefully took the advice of califdad03 as far as obtaining a lawyer. My lawyer hit me all at once rite between the eyes, it was hard to hear but at the same time it made me become stronger and remember why I was doing this ( for the kids). And each day no matter how I feel I turn it aroung and ask myself how are my kids. I think and take one min. at a time not months ahead. I only think ahead as to where do I want to go in life so that I can benefit my children as well as my own happiness. I know if I'm broken and not happy it reflects onto the kids. Hope you doing weel I would love to hear. I am just now starting that rode and I just keep some optimism going to keep me strong.