[loveyouall]

My co-worker and I been working in this company for over 25 years, we work in the same department and we used to be pretty close. But the past five years, I have been keeping a distance from her because I can no longer tolerate her attitude, and she is not a loyal friend. Whenever we're together talking, she always like to gossip bad and negative things about other people/co-workers. She always speak her mind without considering other people's feeling and like to boasting about herself. I'm just feeling sick and tired of listening to her. She's always been like this since the day I knew her, but I thought that I can accept her the way she is cause no one is perfect.

Although I have been keeping a distance from her, but I still talk to her, but mostly is just general conversation, I don't tell her any of my personal things anymore because I find that she's not trustworthy. And I no longer include her in my social functions.

There were couple of times that she got upset at me because I don't include her in my social function and don't talk to her as much as I used to. Because of this, she was taling around to my other co-workers and our supervisior about our situation and she was telling them that she would not talk to me or invite me to the social function she organized. Well, I just ignore her behaviour and pretended that nothing has happened. I continued to say good morning/good night to her. Anyway, time went on and things going OK.

Last week, my other co-workers told me that she was asking them why I was so moody, and not talking to her, she said that if I don't talk to her then she would not say good morning to me. Well, I think she's being very childish and very immature.

I just don't know how to deal with her anymore. She is starting to really annoy me. But I can't ignore her because we work in the same department, we see each other everyday. I'm not the only one that dislike her, my other co-workers also have the same feeling towards her.

Any suggustions ?

[cdad]

It sounds like your on the right path to me. You have managed to move the relationship to that of a business relationship. You saying hi and her not responding only points out her shortcomings. And the fact that she is telling everyone that your not invited to HER doings sounds like the position you wanted anyway so no loss there. Your gaining the upper hand by killing her with kindness. That might be a twisted approach but very realistic for your given situation.

[Jake2008]

Califdad is right on the money here.

You don't owe her an explanation, nor do you hold any responsibility for her behaviour or actions.

You were wise to distance yourself from her socially, and at work, by keeping things to a minimum. I admire you for having the insight to see what she is like, and for how you are remaining polite, and not taking the bait.

Keep on doing exactly what you are doing, and eventually, it will all settle down.

As to the co-workers who are passing along messages, the next time that happens, start doing the same thing. Cut them off at the pass. Simply tell them that you aren't going to listen to ANY office gossip about another worker, and repeat if necessary.

[babysaver]

I have a co-worker that she and I plain and simple do not like each other. We had to work closely for about 6 months and were very professional and courteous. Now that we are in separate areas we just do not acknowledge the other except for an occasional hello on my part. She does not say hello back and that is fine. I do like it that neither of us feel obligated to fake it. This is my personal experience on how I dealt with this and I know how much your situation sucks for you. I hope you can find a way to deal with her that makes you comfortable.

[0rphan]

Hi loveyouall,

this is a difficult situation when you have to work with someone every day.

On the one hand you want a good atmospere at work, but then on the other hand what your work colleague is doing gets your back up...

I'm just wondering what has changed over these last five years,as you say that you have been working with her for 25 years!

Perhaps you have more things to deal with in your life now,so you really do not have the tolerance that you had 25 years ago, or maybe your colleague is feeling a bit left out and thinks that by telling some juicy gossip to everyone she will attract people to her long enough to make friends of them,even if they only need an update on current gossip.. there will always be someone to talk too.

This is quite a sad situation because as you say, once you were good friends.

I think perhaps if it were me,knowing I had to work with her daily,I would invite her out for a coffee,just the two of you and explain what the problem is.
It may be her behaviour has remained the same for many years and she seriously doesn't realise what a pain she is.

You could use the tact of saying that you have been friends for many years and would like to remain that way but at this moment you have so many other things to deal with right now that your not really interested in other peoples problems or goings on.

If she values your friendship and you hers... after all 25 years is a long time,I feel sure that somehow this could be sorted,before the situation gets even more intolerable than it is already... just the two of you need to talk.

This situation reminds me of a friend I have also had for over 20 years.
Every other word was a swear word of the strongest kind, a very loud over powering person, the complete opposite to myself, however this person has helped me beyond measure for which I will be eternally grateful, despite her ways she has a heart of gold and would bend over backwords if I were in trouble.

My point is whilst she is loud and extremely embarrassing,to mention a few of her ways,we still remain friends after all of these years... it's just her way,I think your friend is the same and would dearly like to be the friend that you both once were...

[Gemini54]

I honestly think that the best thing for both of you is for you to continue to be kind, courteous and professional.

Friendships do change over the years and our priorities change about what we'll put up with and what we won't put up with.

Clearly something inside you has said - I'm over her! However this realization doesn't mean treating her with unkindness - and you have rightly, continued to be polite.

You don't need to ignore her, just accept that she is annoying, but see it as her problem not yours. If everyone else dislikes her then she does have a problem!

Finally, I totally agree with Jake - don't listen to gossip about her, and don't indulge in it. The less you focus on her, the less she'll annoy you.

[dontknownuthin]

This is a professional relationship and she wants it to be a personal friendship because it used to be just that. If others comment to you about her remarks I would just say, "Oh, heavens - this all feels a little 5th grade, doesn't it? I've been here for 25 years - of course I'm going to change a bit over time - at least I hope so." Don't say anything about her one way or the other.

They know she's a gossip so you needn't say anything. And if she no longer greets you out of spite, well - she's being ridiculous and let her. Continue to extend yourself to the degree appropriate for a professional relationship and leave it at that. If someone asks, "why doesn't she speak to you just answer, "I really don't know - hadn't thought about it."