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toxiccc · Feb 18, 2010, 11:56 AM

My boyfriend of over 2 years is starting to see a psychiatrist. I'm glad he's going to get help hopefully, but also a little worried or at least curious how it's going to affect him, and me, our relationship. Will they discuss our relationship there? I feel a bit of strange about that. I'm maybe somewhat afraid he's going to suddenly change and won't be who he used to be. Or his feeling for me will change. Or he won't talk to me as much as he used to. He's obviously unstable person so I'm worried what if he falls in love with a female doctor and so on. I know, stupid, but can't help it. What are your experiences? I'm mostly kind of afraid because it's all so unknown to me. So don't get me wrong please. He used to refuse to go for such a long time and now out of nowhere just decided to try, so I'm confused about everything. If you need to know why is he going, to answer me, I'll write it in the next post. Thanks.

JudyKayTee · Feb 18, 2010, 12:04 PM

You cannot control what he discusses with a Psychiatrist, any more than you can control what he says to any other Physician.

You say he's unstable - is that why he is seeing the Psychiatrist?

You can't control his actions, either. The Psychiatrist will end all thoughts that theirs is a personal/romantic relationship (I used to date a Psychiatrist and that's pretty much rule #1 in his practice) but is your boyfriend prone to falling in love with other people?

toxiccc · Feb 18, 2010, 12:46 PM

Of course this looks like it's written from a controlling girlfriend. The thing is, I'm a private person, I keep a lot of things to myself, I don't talk to no one about very personal things, including such details from our relationship, so I feel a bit weird about him telling parts that include me to some stranger. That's all. His doc being a female will provide a listening ear and knowing him, he might develop feelings for her. He is prone and eager to fall in love easily and that is mostly about what his life turns around. He's prone to obsessions, one of which is love; I wouldn't go deeper in that. He has a lot of fears, some quite strange and unrealistic, he's unsure, sensitive, has sleep disturbance, problems with anger, with one word unstable I think. He believes he's psychotic but I don't understand why. Of course above all that he's a really nice caring guy with a normal functioning life.

KBC · Feb 18, 2010, 12:57 PM

You seem t be very insecure about this, I was the exact way when I was in HIS shoes, and the ex was in yours, How were we going to be once I began to address my problems, our problems,as it turned out to be.

You see,we were very co-dependent,we needed each other to survive,to exist together.

What will happen?, He might find that he really has a strong bond with you,or not.It isn't possible to know this, only he and you through communication,can find this out.

Your fears may be unfounded and it'll be just better through his therapy.You can't dwell on the what-ifs, only focus on the what is and what will be.

I hope you return and further your post:)

JudyKayTee · Feb 18, 2010, 01:06 PM

Originally Posted by toxiccc

Of course this looks like it's written from a controlling girlfriend. The thing is, I'm a private person, I keep a lot of things to myself, I don't talk to no one about very personal things, including such details from our relationship, so I feel a bit weird about him telling parts that include me to some stranger. That's all. His doc being a female will provide a listening ear and knowing him, he might develop feelings for her. He is prone and eager to fall in love easily and that is mostly about what his life turns around. He's prone to obsessions, one of which is love; I wouldn't go deeper in that. He has a lot of fears, some quite strange and unrealistic, he's unsure, sensitive, has sleep disturbance, problems with anger, with one word unstable I think. He believes he's psychotic but I don't understand why. Of course above all that he's a really nice caring guy with a normal functioning life.

I don't think you look/sound like a controlling person at all - when my marriage was coming apart we went to a marriage counsellor and I was very, very uncomfortable discussing very personal information. It's a difficult thing to do.

Do his problems affect your relationship in a big way? Lots of people are very sensitive, have problems with anger. Maybe he falls into that "lots of people" category?

A close friend of mine was in a relationship with a very unstable individual - every disagreement he called her and threatened to kill himself, then took his phone off the hook or stopped answering emails and waited to see what she would do. After a very short period she was exhausted by it all and she felt trapped. Have you looked at how his behavior affects you?

toxiccc · Feb 18, 2010, 02:01 PM

Yes I'm a bit of uncomfortable about this but mostly very glad he's doing it as I want him to be happy. I realized a long time ago I can't make him so, as much as I would want to. I hope this professional person will make him see things clearer.
I like to think I'm a strong independent individual as I was before I met him. His fears and our turbulent relationship coasted me some self esteem and filled me with doubts. How can one person make you so incredibly happy and at the same time sort of unhappy? How to choose than to stay or to go? He says himself he is my biggest problem though we love one another. I don't think we're so dependable we can't live without one another. I know I could live without him and on the thought of that I am sad but not desperate. I believe in myself and I know I would live my life fully even forever alone without partner, but definitely differently and probably sometimes very lonely.

He and I are very different people but a great couple with a wonderful chemistry. I'm more rational and down to earth, he's kind of living in a phantasy word and though I like it very much he loves me, he is also a type of person that can't let go, kind of scary. He still holds on to his exes from many years ago, he enjoys nostalgia and memories, which is totally unnecessary to me. He can't understand how he damages our relationship because he doesn't think he's doing anything wrong reliving the past every now and that in front of me. It's his right to do so if he wants, but it makes me like I said and you all see that, insecure. He knows that and reassures me it's nothing. And that's just a small part of our problems. Mostly all of them are coming from him and than I am the problem too because I try hard but cannot handle them at the end.

JudyKayTee · Feb 18, 2010, 02:05 PM

I think you have clear vision. Sounds like you just handle things in a different manner.

Can you live with your differences?

toxiccc · Feb 18, 2010, 02:15 PM

Yes of course I can live like that, I'm flexible and tolerant, but I'm not sure if I want to live like this forever. I'm probably expecting too much from this psychiatrist. I've already obviously accepted him this way, but there's somewhere a repressed wish in me for him to be what I want him to be. And that is really just to be normal.

JudyKayTee · Feb 18, 2010, 02:17 PM

I think you're going to have to wait to see what happens - but you already knew that.

KBC · Feb 18, 2010, 03:40 PM

For him to be normal, you want him changed but feel insecure about a doctor making that change.

You want to change him then?That isn't going to happen.Only he can change,of his free will.

If he decided to change for you,because of you where would his identity go,who would he be other than what you are going to make him be,, others are not puppets to be molded and shaped to our ways, that's being a controller and possessive.

Gemini54 · Feb 18, 2010, 04:50 PM

Look, I think it's inevitable that there will be changes if he's seeing a psychiatrist, and some of them may well affect your relationship.

Whether these changes will be positive or negative remains to be seen, but you'll both need to be willing to talk about what's happening, and be open to the fact that it may feel uncomfortable.

You can't control what he talks about in his sessions, clearly his relationship with you is part of his life, so it's going to be discussed. I can understand that you may have fears around what this might mean for you, but you will have to acknowledge that these are YOUR insecurities about what might happen to the relationship.

I also think that you may be expecting too much to want things between you to be normal - what is 'normal' anyway? Perhaps what you can best expect is that you feel comfortable with each other and accepting of each other's idiosyncrasies.

The pursuit of 'happiness' is often a contrived concept that we create for ourselves in relationships - in reality we can only ever be responsible for our own happiness and it's more frequently in acceptance that we find the greatest happiness, because it brings us a measure of peace.

Anyway, perhaps the thing is to accept that you can't predict or control what will happen to him or to you in this process - just take it a bit at a time, day by day. If you concentrate on the present, what might happen in the future won't seem so important or scary.

KBC · Feb 19, 2010, 04:27 AM

toxiccc disagrees : this is not about me controlling anyone but trying to make a sense out of my confusion.

Often we are uncomfortable when others offer their opinion on what they see, sometimes it hit's too close for comfort, I believe this is the case here also.

From Gemini54:

Anyway, perhaps the thing is to accept that you can't predict or control what will happen to him or to you in this process - just take it a bit at a time, day by day. If you concentrate on the present, what might happen in the future won't seem so important or scary.

You accepted this comment on control,yet downrate my example, something amiss here,They coated their message with sugar,mine with spice,see the difference?

I don't see that I was FACTUALLY wrong on my comment, that is the guideline for the downrating(which means quite a bit on most sites, like this one).. opinions aren't down-rated because they are opinions.Please read the TOS for the site before you feel the need to downrate anyone else, you will be looked at as a problem maker and some people won't offer you advice if this is how you react to it.me included.

jmjoseph · Feb 19, 2010, 04:48 AM

I think it's a good thing that he is getting help. Sure it's a female that he is talking to, but it's a female DOCTOR who will keep all things professional and confidential.

I think that he is better off going than NOT. Just see how things work out. Good luck to you both.

toxiccc · Feb 19, 2010, 05:20 AM

Sorry KBC, I don't know why you took my comment so personal. I don't know you, you don't know me. If you knew, you would know I'm not a controlling person, but I will not stand here to defend myself neighter. Like I said, you people can think what you want, I came here only to feel better and to share just a bit of my relationship and situation. That's all, thank you all for that.
I believe that kindness is better than the truth sometimes, especially when person is already having a hard time, the last thing she needs is a brutal honesty. I didn't agree with gemini54 about the control in particular obviously, I agreed on not being able to predict the future and about the vibe of the whole post in general. It's positive. You don't have to write here anymore, and I don't care less if I'm viewed as a problem maker for expecting people to have some emphaty.

SilviaPhd · Feb 22, 2010, 06:26 PM

The identity of a person is really based on both genetic/ environmental factors (I explain :his/ her genes and life experiences) the thing is that when you're either forced or influenced by another person(environmental factor) to recognize your weaknesses and built a new identity, this creates you a some type of attitude towards this person cause you feel that you're free will has been violated in some way. This might lead you to becoming negative- if you find out things that might hurt you- or possitive if you're really helped through this procedure. If you pussed him doing so.. yes his attitude towards you might change. In a negative or a possitive way? Your going to be the one to tell us.

SilviaPhd · Feb 22, 2010, 06:33 PM

And yes your relationship will be discussed openly so as many other things that might have nothing to do with you, so don't be afraid. This person only tries to find out things that might help.. but she is certainly not expressing opinions. She's not the one to judge you or him or your relationship. About the other thing, try to she her as a doctor rather than another woman. Cause in your case that's what she trully is. Hope I helped you. I honestly wish you two the best.