[ben090909]

OK, so here's the problem, I am a guy, and I love my guy best mate, we have been mates for over 2 years now, and I fell in love with him fairly quickly, we have slept round each ovas house, he trusts me enuf to get changed in the same room, we do loads gay jokes and stuff when we are working together, and well that's all there is gay jokes, I don't know how to tell him, I know he is straight, he thinks I am too as me and him have both had sex with girls, and we normally talk about it, like what moves we have been trying blah blah blah, normal guy stuff, whenever I talk about it with him, all I can do is imagining him doing those things, I want him more than I have ever wanted anyone, its not just for sex, its for having him as me and him, him and me, I can't deal with this on my own, no-one knows I am gay, especially him. I have been wiv a few guys and its just been sex nuffin else, they (2) of them are in the closet so they won't say nefin.

Any suggestions? I hate the feeling of me not being with him, and I just can't stop thinking about him, he's my last thought at night and my first thought in the morning.

I find myself drinking and smoking just to try and calm myself and chill out about the whole thing, please someone has got to be in the same situation, or been in the same situation. It really does hurt

[JK191]

I'd suggest writing in English and not chat-speak.

Other than that, I'd say its quite unlikely he'll react well let alone agree to be a in a gay relationship with you.

You could also come out to him and speak to him and explain the situation calmly, it will at least set your mind at ease.

It might create a permanent life regret so consider it VERY CAREFULLY.

[Synnen]

How old are you?

[ben090909]

Hey thanks for the replies, sorry about my english JK191, I don't want to loose him though no matter what, even if it means I don't say anything to him.

Synnen, I am 18, and have been pretty much in love with him since I have known him

Any help please!!

[Gemini54]

This is a really difficult situation. You're gay but you haven't told anyone (least of all him) and he's straight and makes jokes about gays.

So, telling him you're gay will be a big thing, but telling him you're gay and that you love him will probably blow him away. I imagine he'll feel like he doesn't know you at all and he'll be rethinking all those times you were getting changed in the same room.

I don't think there are any happy endings here. I doubt that you will go riding off into the sunset with him if he's straight. (Of course I could be wrong!)

Perhaps take it one step at a time. Tell him that you're gay and see what his reaction is. See how it affects your friendship. If you can maintain your friendship after this you may just have to accept that your love for this guy will probably be unrequited and unconsummated.

It's a choice I guess - a good friendship with a straight man that you love, or no friendship at all.

[ben090909]

Thank you for your advice gemini54, that's the one choice I can't decide upon. I don't know whether I could risk losing him if I told him, I know it would send him off the wall, the gay jokes aren't like spiteful they are just me and him messing around, like when we are at work and home. I know he is straight, a part of me wishes I was, I don't think I want to be gay, which is the one thing stopping me from telling anyone, I told one of my parents that I was gay when I was drunk, the next morning they said you don't look gay so don't be stupid. Nice eh?

The things that makes me want to not be gay are the fact that when I am older I want a wife to come home to after work and have kids and have a family home, and family holidays, but I can't ever have that if I am wiv any guy let alone the guy I have been in love with for the last 2 years of my life. Even if I was him, I wouldn't be able to have any of those things.

Girls still make me want to sleep with them, like I have been with a few girls, not many (4), and if I was gay how come I could have sex with them? Surely if I was really gay then I wouldn't be able to sleep with them? Could it be just this one guy I love? That manages to want him more than a girl?

[ben090909]

Thank you for your advice gemini54, that's the one choice I can't decide upon. I don't know whether I could risk losing him if I told him, I know it would send him off the wall, the gay jokes aren't like spiteful they are just me and him messing around, like when we are at work and home. I know he is straight, a part of me wishes I was, I don't think I want to be gay, which is the one thing stopping me from telling anyone, I told one of my parents that I was gay when I was drunk, the next morning they said you don't look gay so don't be stupid. Nice eh?

The things that makes me want to not be gay are the fact that when I am older I want a wife to come home to after work and have kids and have a family home, and family holidays, but I can't ever have that if I am wiv any guy let alone the guy I have been in love with for the last 2 years of my life. Even if I was him, I wouldn't be able to have any of those things.

Girls still make me want to sleep with them, like I have been with a few girls, not many (4), and if I was gay how come I could have sex with them? Surely if I was really gay then I wouldn't be able to sleep with them? Could it be just this one guy I love? That manages to want him more than a girl?

[JoeCanada76]

I am thinking your bi - sexual. You can be with both guys and girls and can have feelings and sexual relations with both.

The thing is if your confused and not sure where your sexuality is, you need some counseling. Non - Judging counseling that will work with you and help you work through your insecurities about your sexual orientation.

It sounds like a major crush, infactuation to me. Meaning that I honestly do not think any relationship would last no matter what.

Your living a lie, and this person will find out about it eventually, do you not think that the later this person finds out about it the harder it will be.

You do need to make the decision on your own whether to tell anybody you feel like your gay or not.

The thing is if this guy is completely your friend, he would except you no matter what as a friend. Whether gay or not.

I honestly do not think he would have any kind of relationship with you that you want so would not even put that out in the open.

Counseling, working on telling the truth about your sexual orientation and if not then you need to live with yourself keeping it to your counselor and people here.

[ben090909]

That's the thing really, I am unsure if I could live with myself being gay, and out in the open, because I know if I was out then my dreams of being able to have that family life would be over, I couldn't ever go back and be a dad, a dad isn't gay, or hasn't ever been gay, a dad is someone that is stable, and I don't think I can be stable if I were to come out and the say I am staright and have a wife, how would my wife even deal with that? If I ever got one.

The thing I would like most later on in life is to have a family and have a wife, a family to come home to at the end of the day and I wouldn't want to trade that dream to come home to a man. But then I do really love him, I only feel this way about him, I mean I have had sexual feelings towards other guys before but they don't match what deep gut wrenching feeling si have for him.

At the end of the day I want to be happy, is there a quick cure? I know I am only young, but I know these feelings really are what I do think, they aren't ones I have dreamed up over night.

Jesushelper76 - where would I get counselling from? If you think it might help me, but again if I get some I need to do it when people think I am at college or sometime when people aren't going to wonder where I am as I can't turn round and say I was at conselling, that would lead to too many questions!

[Synnen]

What do you mean, that a dad isn't gay? There are PLENTY of gay men that are dads! Are you insinuating that gay men can't be stable? Frankly, compared to many of the OTHER guys I knew in college, the guys that were openly gay were MORE stable.

Give up on your guy friend. He's your friend, and he's not EVER going to be more. Learn to value the friendship, because I'm sure that you're right and that if you came on to him, that your friendship would be over.

Love is love is love, though. You don't have to come home to a WIFE to have a family.

I personally think you need to get counseling to deal with your sexuality and to deal with getting past stereotypes. Your college counseling office or student services would be a good place to start.

As far as the TIMES for counseling--why do you have to answer why you're going to counseling? It's none of anyone else's business, and you don't have to talk about it with anyone else. If you get questions, just say "That's between me and my counselor, and I don't feel it's any of your business".

[ben090909]

No no no, I really didn't mean to insult any gay dads, its just the thougts in my head are is that if I was to become a dad then it wouldn't be my dream that I am a dad that has been gay, you know what I mean? By no means do I mean to insult any gay dads!

Although that me being like that to anyone that asks, I have friends (the girls mainly) that would get stroppy if I wasn't able to talk to them, the guy mates I have would be OK with it I am sure.

I don't think I have a problem with steriotypes I know that families come in all shapes and sizes these days, I know that one for sure, my parents are divorced, I've got half siblings, step parents the whole lot, I am not complaining I am lucky I think to have such a big family. But the reason as to why I think of myself coming home to a wife and kids is because that's the future I have always thought I would have, its hard to consider something which you have wanted to have when your older and the one reason you can't have it is because you choose another option

Please I want to make sure I haven't offended anyone, in my idea of what I want when I am older I am not a gay dad, just a guy with a loving wife and kids, I am sure there are many more stable gay people than I am aware of, and I am sure that anyone that is gay and has got kids can offer them everything a hetrosexual couple can, please my intent with the last post was not intended and I cam across wrong.

[Synnen]

I really do think you need to see a counselor to help you figure out your sexuality, hon.

You can then have REALISTIC dreams based on what's actually RIGHT within you, rather than what you've "always" dreamed of--for example, from the time I was a child until I was in my 20s, I'd "always" dreamed of being a teacher. By the time I was in my 20s, and in education classes, I KNEW I wasn't meant to be a teacher. That doesn't mean that I don't have a different version of my dream, though--I now work in the education field, but as an administrator.

Don't close your own doors until you've actually figured out what's really going on with you--sometimes what you've "always" dreamed of isn't as good as what's actually going to make you happy.

[ben090909]

How do you decide what is right for you? As in the end nothing really matters, I am having such a head for the last few days, haven't been able to think, I can't really come to terms with anything, I feeel like burtsing in tears every time I am on my own, I can't take this much more, I feel like . My best mate, OK I accept I can't ever happen, but I can't deal with my sexuality, I met up with a guy last night, it felt so right, but waking up this morning in a more sober state I felt like , what's going on? Honestly I am having emotions and feelings I can't deal with and I just don't know

[ben090909]

How do you decide what is right for you? As in the end nothing really matters, I am having such a head for the last few days, haven't been able to think, I can't really come to terms with anything, I feeel like burtsing in tears every time I am on my own, I can't take this much more, I feel like . My best mate, OK I accept I can't ever happen, but I can't deal with my sexuality, I met up with a guy last night, it felt so right, but waking up this morning in a more sober state I felt like , what's going on? Honestly I am having emotions and feelings I can't deal with and I just don't know

[ben090909]

Touching and kissing this guy last night, it made me feel right, like I had a reason and a purpose of being with someone, it wasn't just going to be some one night thing, I wake this morning and think what have I done! What can I do, I feel so overpowered by , its unbelievable

[0rphan]

Hi ben,

Your totally confused over your sexual genda.

In my opinion you have to be bi-sexual at the very least, I know a few people who are bi-sexual, who lead perfectly happy married lives.

This guy who you are in love with is definitely straight, you are very good mates by the sound of it, working together also socializing, generally having a good time, if you tell him you are gay and that you fancy the pants off him, you will totally (in my oppinion) ruin what you have together, that's not to say that maybe in the future something could develop between you, after all he could also be bi- sexual.

I think you have to play safe as far as telling him how you feel at the moment, hope an opening will arise where you can casually slip in that you are bi-sexual or you could say that some times you also fancy blokes... adding does he.

You will have to be very careful to pick the right moment.

You are however still very young,who's to say that in a couple of years time, when all of your hormones have sorted themselves out,that you may just end up doing a complete turn around .

[ben090909]

Is there any chance the hormones can hurry and sort themselves out now? So I can then sort out myself?

The guy that I was with last night, said he would text me and he would come round tonight, this I think is the start of the end with my fixation on my best mate, however maybe it's the start of actually being gay? I always thought other people were gay and that's cool, I just never thought I would end up gay. I don't know how much more I can deal with right now, loads of crap is happening, and I don't seem to be able to sort any of it out. I can't seem to control any part of my life at the moment, and I feel like I can't sort out any of it because of the fact I am not controlling any of it. To make matters worse, one of my close girl mates has told me they have been in love with me ever since we met, I don't know how to tell her I am not interested, not because I don't think your pretty but I am actually gay...

[Synnen]

I really REALLY think you need to see a counselor.

You are overwhelmed with everything in your head and with all of your emotions.

A counselor will help you sort them all out.

[neverme]

I have to agree that you need to get into counseling to deal with your sexuality.

I am a bi-sexual woman and by no means have I taken having children off the table.

Having said that, I haven't taken not having them off the table. Life is going to take you where it will and decisions about having a family are a long way off.

One of my dearest friends is a bi-sexual man who has had long term relationships with both males and females. He is now 34 and has two beautiful little girls. He decided that the family life was for him and got it. His partner, a female, knows about his past and is fine with it.

There are no definites in life. You can be gay and have a family, you can be bi-sexual and have a family but first you need to sort out what you are and be OK with that or you will never be contented in yourself.

There is no point lying to yourself. You say you don't know if you could live with being gay (or bi-sexual) but you are. Not admitting it to yourself or others won't make it go away, it will only eat away at your soul as it is now.

As for this guy, you need to make a decision: Can you be around this guy with the feelings that you have for them and not act on it and be ok with it?

If you can then stay as you are, if you cannot then you need to move on. He is straight and would not be interested in a gay relationship. End of story. That is not to say that he won't accept you should you tell him that you are gay/bi-sexual. That is yet to be seen.

The last thing that I will say is that I know that this is not easy. In fact it is one of the hardest situations, coming out, that I have ever been in and I've seen some dark days. There are, and really always will be, some people that won't accept you. The only person that has to accept you and be ok with who you are, IS YOU. Once you have established that, once you truly accept yourself, the other pieces of the puzzle will fall into place.

[ben090909]

How can you decide what you are? Is there a set way like OK here's ten questions if you say yes to all of them your gay, if you say no to them then your straight? Why can't things be that simple?

Thank you neverme, your response has helped, I know kids are a long way off, but its just something I have to deal with to start with to accept that kids might not be a possibility one day. But I spose its easier to accept what you've never had to what you have had and lost right?

How did it feel to come out? My biggest concern above all others is that I am going to loose my family and friends, my family is probably a tad homophobic, well when I say a tad my brother has threatened before that if I turned out gay he would never speak to me again! These sort of things are stopping me from saying who I truly am. I don't think I would be able to be happy without my family and friends, and I think I would loose some if I came out.

As for my best mate, I can only say he and I will be mates, and if anything ever changes in his sexuality he will have a little compartment in my heart, I really do care for him, but this guy I met last night has made me realise lifes too short to stop everything and never move anywhere.

Everything is such a head !!