[Cat1864]

From the Broken Rainbow website's links:

A London based organization for 13-19 year olds: Mosaic Lesbian Gay Bisexual Trans Youth Centre

From Mosaic's website, their list of links: Mosaic Lesbian Gay Bisexual Trans Youth Centre

[ben090909]

Well... that has got to have been probably the SH*test week in history of my life since my parents divorce.

Sam, doesn't care. He still wants his old boyfriend. I was so ready to tell everyone, I planned what I was going to say and when I was going to say it. I can't stop thinking about sam. I know he was just some guy I met, but it was more than that to me, he approached me, he kissed me, he held my hand, he came and slept next to me, he held me, no one has ever done that to me before, wanted me in that way, that purposeful way where someone actually makes a move towards me, not always me chasing them or trying to date them, or hint to them.

I spent most of the week on my own, couldn't face college, family or friends, well not that any of those were actually bothered about it. Is it wrong to feel so attached to someone so quickly, he made me buzz, still does, and he won't return my messages... have tried to be very restrained and only sent the one as I don't want to make him think I am some young teen who needs to grow up. (he is older than me) he seems to be living his life how I want to be also, happy, proud and able to do anything I want, within reason of course, I am not meaning I am going to go out and kill someone or do something daft.

I feel like this massive weight is stuck on my shoulders, I drunkenly and stoned told my brother the other night he said if I ever said that again I would have a limb broken... what kind of fecked up sh*t is that?

There is, I feel, something very wrong with me, some gay guy asked me was I gay the other night, someone I hadn't even met, someone I would never see again, I replied no I am straight sorry mate. If I can't even tell a stranger, how will I tell my friends and family when the reception so far has been so bad? I tried to recover the next day by just saying sorry about last night bro that was some strong weed I was smoking. He nodded and said it better have been.

I am alone once again tonight, my friends are busy with their partners, I am happy for them, really I am, but when I am alone all I can here is myself thing, I wonder what sam is up to now, or I wonder if I sent sam a message he would come online and let me talk it through with him? Even if he didn't want me, I would have someone that remotely knows me, and someone I could tell everything to, would this scare him off?

I also can't seem to stop thinking about when I am in lesson, I turn around and look at peoples faces and imagine if they knew I were gay would they still treat me the same? Would I still be ben to them, or the end of gay joke?

My best guy mate, I kind of feel would be very uncomfortable about the whole thing, I wouldn't ever tell him that I liked him but I would probably come out to him, if I had a boyfriend.

I would have last week, happily come out for sam, I spent one night with him and he made me feel so sure about everything, he made my heart pump, and everything we did, I felt was electric, brilliant and so right.

[ben090909]

How does anyone get out the slump of "oh crap its not going to happen, i really liked them but they dont like me back"?

[ben090909]

I may have message him, he came online, we started talking, he got mid conversation and then went... argh, fag, vodka and bed me thinks...

[Synnen]

Look, you're obsessing in general.

That's not healthy, gay OR straight.

Contact the GLBT support group closest to your area. You REALLY need someone walking with you through all of this. Just the fact that you're obsessing about a guy that's pretty much told you he's not interested--and that you were DEPENDING on someone ELSE to be able to come out tells me that you need to seek counseling about this.

[ben090909]

Thank you, fair point, reading back on what I said, that did sound very obssessive, I think it was just a few days where I was fixed on him, I would like to apologise for my stupidity! He was just a guy that wanted me, and then changed my mind. By it now, its all good I know its not going to happen!!

I have recently been in contact with someone from the GLBT support, I don't know where there is one in my area, but I am just finding someone to talk to atm. Thank you all so much for your help with my problems, I will let you know how I get on.

I just want to live my life in happy way, enjoying everyday, and I want to be with someone I am comfortable with, I am gay, I want to be gay and I like the idea of being gay. Thank you for helping me come to terms with this.

[ben090909]

I would just like to say, it would appear my best mate is very homophobic as he found out I kissed a guy and now doesn't want to speak or see me anymore, I tried talking to him, he blanks me at work, and has started telling people, I fear I may be thrown out my home soon...

[ben090909]

Hello :)

[ben090909]

Hello, I don't know if anyone is still on this feed, I hope someone is! I have managed to cover up my gay kiss by using the fact saying I was drunk and on mephedrone, my mate kind of came round, me and him are cool now, although now he thinks I am a druggy!

The reason I thought I would see if anyone is still on this feed is because I spoke to someone on GLBT desk, we talked and nothing really made much sense, the people that have been replying to this feed have given me genuine heart felt responses which I really appreciate because I guess I kind of feel happpy I can talk to people openly about everything on here, although I know one day I won't be able to stay like this forever but I just need some advice.

The guy that I kiss and slept next to, the guy I was willing to come out for, pretty much do anything for, I saw again soberly tonight, god I want him, I would come out for him, then as we were talking, laughing and flriting I might add, some guy came over and kissed him, right in front of me, he then introduced his boyfriend to me, I tell you now the gut wrenching feeling hurt like , I drove home so stupidly fast just to try and sort myself out by taking some frustration out, I listened to some crappy cheesy music and feel even worse, I feel like I haven't gotten anywhere, in the last 2 months I have just had so many emotions and hormones I think go through me, I haven't got a clue where to go next.

I have been asking my friends about what would they think if someone was gay, and they all seem to be cool with someone turning gay, they say its fair game and you can't do anything to change who you are. However what happens if I am just gay with some guys, not all guys?

I need to sort out my life really, I am making decisions that I just don't know why I am doing it, bad things and some very good moves like uni - maybe or an apprenticeships. I feel I can't truly decide what I want to do until I sort out my sexuality. I need help really. I would stop going to uni for him, I would get a job down here, because love or a relationship comes first right?

[Synnen]

I'm not attracted to ALL guys, either.

I don't think ANYONE is attracted to every person they run across.

You need to realize that you can't "come out" for anyone but yourself. Period. It's like quitting smoking for someone else--you end up resenting that person in the end, even if it WAS better for you to do it.

You need to be single right now. You're in absolutely no shape to be contributing to a relationship--any relationship you end up in, you're just going to be using that person.

I really suggest you get counseling--and I'm not saying that because you're dealing with figuring out your sexuality. I'm saying that because you seem to be dealing with figuring out who you ARE, in general.

And the fact that you caved and denied a part of who you are for someone else's opinion isn't going to be making it any easier for you.

Can you talk to a school counselor? To ANYONE?

[ben090909]

If I was in a relationship with this guy that I am completely infatuated with right now, I would want him the same way he would want me, I would want that relationship, I wouldn't be using him, I would do anything for him, he makes me feel alive and excited and happy, not sh*t and fairly ed up like I do now. I have got into a bad cycle at the moment, pretty much most days I am drinking excessively, I know this but can't seem to stop the next day and am taking some other crap that I know isn't good for me. I just can't get out the cycle, I think he would help me, he would do it for me and I could just go cold turkey with drink and the other thing. I have done before with smoking, I used to smoke when I was 14 and have stopped when I was 17, just stopped.

The college I go to has a counselor but they are only in on Monday lunch times and I don't have college then, it's a possibility but again I would have to find a reason for why I had to drive into college for lunchtime. I really can't speak to anyone, as I saw from the reaction of everyone earlier this month about me kissing a guy I highly doubt anyone would really be comfortable with me being gay. I really don't have anyone, this really quite genuinly is my only source of being able to talk freely about everything I do, because everything I do with people I know is constantly criticised, I am not that much of a confident person, the criticising works, eventually I do the things I think other people want me to do - sounds a bit pathetic now I have written that...

[Synnen]

Here's the thing, though: You WOULD be using him, as your ONLY support system. That's not a romantic relationship--that's a counselor/patient relationship, and very very few new romantic relationships can withstand that kind of pressure.

You'd come out for him--and then ALL of your other friends and family would ditch you, is that what you're saying? So again--he's the ONLY thing keeping you sane? That's not a fair burden to put on ANYONE.

You don't know who you are, and you're latching onto anything that will stop you from having to FEEL that out for yourself.

Make an excuse about a study group, or whatever--but see that counselor.

And really--you don't need to tell anyone WHY you are seeing a counselor. For all they know, it's because you're stressed about school, and are getting help.

[ben090909]

True its not a fair burden, I don't know whether my friends would ditch me, I know some would, my family would definitely, see there is something else there, I don't think I could hack losing my family, I really don't. Admittedly we have grwon distant but to not see them regularly, that would be a shame.

The image in my head at the moment is me not really using him, or burdening him, to be fair its neither at the moment as he is with someone, and I don't want to get in the way of that really, I may like him but that's not my style. I don't want to ruin there lives that they could have together.

The memory that's in my mind is that I have seen on TV and seen once in real life, two guys got together, one was out, one wasn't, the other came out for him, the guy that came out was thrown out and had to live with his boyfriend, I think they are still together, but did the gay guy consider him a burden then? Even though they are together now, is it not worth that little bit of extra commitment to get someone you want?

I think if I had to leave my family I could, would that still be considered a burden on him?

Would there be anything for example if I got into a relationship with him, and there was this burden that I could relieve it somehow?

[Synnen]

Here's the thing:

You don't come out for someone else. You do it for YOURSELF.

Asking someone to come out after a reasonable (think years, not months, here) time is only fair--if you're not letting people know who you REALLY are, then you are acting ashamed of your relationship.

HOWEVER--you do NOT come out for someone else when you haven't been dating for some time. You come out for YOURSELF. You come out so that you are not living a lie, so that you are not acting ashamed of who you are, so that you can BE yourself.

Either way, you need to figure out who you are and what you REALLY want before you try to make any relationship work. You have too much baggage currently to bring into a new relationship.

[ben090909]

Your making so much sense, honestly I really do genuinly think I am gay, I haven't been thinking this for like a few months, this has been years probably since I was 14, I have felt different from then, I have always thought that since about 14, since my first ever encounter with another guy.

I really do know I am gay, I am thinking I am coming out for myself. I want to be free of what I have been feeling so badly recently, I want to be myself, I want to feel comfortable, I want to be me. And me is gay, I like men, I know this is really what I am.

Your right, I need to sort myself out now, before I try for a relationship.

How do you even come out though, how do you go up to someone and say "i am gay, please dont think of me differently". I really do think this being out in the open will help me figure out what is next for me.

But how to come out, I am talking soberly, not on anything else, this is me talking and thinking straight, I am gay. Any advice on how to come out? I want to do it, I need to be me, I need to feel happy.

[Synnen]

I don't know, honestly.

I think it would be different for every person.

This is where I think talking to someone from a GLBT group would be beneficial to you.

[ben090909]

Well I am not sure about the clinic really atm, need to get ready for everything first.

How do you even start telling people, do you have any experience of this? If so how did you talk to someone about it? Who did you tel first?

[Synnen]

I'm bisexual, not a lesbian, so it's a bit different for me.

I didn't TELL anyone. I just dated who I wanted to, and let people draw their own conclusions.

[ben090909]

Fair enough, I feel though like I have to tell people so they know, because I feel they have a right to know, but now I have written this it seems why do they have a right to know, they can know, I wouldn't mind them knowing but why do I have to go out and tell everyone? I can do what I want, I am my own person, I am so sick and tired of being not me, being what I think everyone else wants me to be and do.

I will date, I have been talking to that guy I met in the club recently, me and him have been getting chatty, I haven't asked him if he is still with someone, if he isn't should I see if he wants to go out sometime, or do you think that's a bad idea, I do really like him, he makes me get excited every time I see him, for example I have seen once every week for the last few weeks down the pub, and I feel that me and him just click!

Any advice is welcome!

[ben090909]

Fair enough, I feel though like I have to tell people so they know, because I feel they have a right to know, but now I have written this it seems why do they have a right to know, they can know, I wouldn't mind them knowing but why do I have to go out and tell everyone? I can do what I want, I am my own person, I am so sick and tired of being not me, being what I think everyone else wants me to be and do.

I will date, I have been talking to that guy I met in the club recently, me and him have been getting chatty, I haven't asked him if he is still with someone, if he isn't should I see if he wants to go out sometime, or do you think that's a bad idea, I do really like him, he makes me get excited every time I see him, for example I have seen once every week for the last few weeks down the pub, and I feel that me and him just click!

Any advice is welcome!