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brandyzf82 · Feb 8, 2010, 10:48 PM

I have been with my husband for almost 10 years and for most of that he has lied to me about everything you could imagine, we have 3 children ages 8,6 and 3 1/2 months, pain pills have taken over his life and changed him for the worse, I know who he can be but I'm tired of waiting to get that person back, do I wait and keep putting up with all this bullcrap or do I leave? Also I can't work yet because my baby is too young and I don't have a job and I'm not moving in my family, bad drama there too.. what do I do

J_9 · Feb 8, 2010, 10:50 PM

Brandy darlin, just to let you know, give it a little time here, it's not a chat room and can take some time to get an answer. I do want you to know that I AM proud of you for coming here. We can help you, but you have to let us. Okay sweetie. Give that baby a kiss for Auntie J and Uncle J. Just know that we love you.

J_9 · Feb 8, 2010, 10:56 PM

Guys, be good to Brandy, she is a very close and personal friend. I actually delivered her baby. So, be on your best behavior or I'll have to smack someone. LOL... just kidding. She really needs some help and to see responses from people outside of her close circle of family and friends.

Wondergirl · Feb 8, 2010, 11:01 PM

Does his doctor know how much the pills have changed your husband?

Alty · Feb 8, 2010, 11:05 PM

J, I'm not afraid of you. ;)

Hi Brandy, you can call me Alty.

I have a few questions for you.

Do you still love your husband? Is it the pain pills you're tired of or are you no longer emotionally invested in this man? If you no longer love him, if therapy is not even an option, then dear, you're just putting off the decision, which I understand completely. It's hard to make this choice especially when there are children involved.

Is your husband aware of his addiction? Is he willing to get help? If he agreed to get help and cleaned up his act would you consider working on the marriage, perhaps going to therapy together?

I'm not asking these questions to be nosy, I want to know where you're at in all of this. Is this a done deal, you're just trying to figure out how to leave or is this something you want to work out, but you don't know where to start?

J_9 · Feb 9, 2010, 02:14 PM

I'll help fill in some blanks the best I can. Neither Brandy nor her husband work. Brandy lost her job, by choice, and I don't blame her knowing the circumstances, near the end of her pregnancy. (Yes, WG, comma splices, LOL). So, therapy will be hard, especially around our small town.

Brandy wants to try to work things out. It is him and his addiction that is preventing this. She has tried on several occasions, however, it's the circle of abuse that she does not see clearly.

This has been going on for a very long time. I think our son's (we both have boys at the same school) were around 4 years old when I became actively aware of this. I had my suspicions prior.

She does a public service here in our town for the school every day, and he must accompany her every time. It's her job so to speak, but doesn't pay much and I'm sure there is no insurance involved.

I'm hoping by posting this that someone else will chime in, as well as her coming back. We as family and friends have tried to talk to her, but it's hard for us. She needs to hear this from someone outside of her circle.

talaniman · Feb 9, 2010, 03:07 PM

Hi Brandy, first I would like to know generally the effect of these painkillers, and where he gets them, as doctors are well aware of giving painkillers over time having side effects.

The second issue is why he takes them, and is it legit. Legitimate reasons are no excuse for abusing any substance, but rarely do people know of other options they may have.

This bit of background is important, as I can already see many other issues that are maybe, or maybe not related.

The obvious one is your both not working, which is a huge stress with even healthy people, so maybe your options are limited, to a great degree as far as help goes.

I have been with my husband for almost 10 years and for most of that he has lied to me about everything you could imagine

This is what I think your real issues stems from, as you have lost faith in him through trust issues, and honestly more feedback is necessary.

I think a bigger picture would help us all give you better advice, and suggestions because honestly, the pain killers are only a symptom of a greater problem, to be dealt with.

I hope you can fill in the blanks for us as far as the trust issues go, and some background on this unemployment deal.

Generally there is help in your county for unemployed families, and you can at least get help through family services, or the health department, for living arrangements while you sort things out, without his help. I get the idea that getting away from him would be a good idea for a while, as you figure it out, at least in the short term.

Kitkat22 · Feb 12, 2010, 06:41 PM

:):):)
Hi Brandy.. You can call me Kit! Does your husband have a friend he would listen too? I know if J is your friend, your lucky. Does he want to get off the pills?

You know there are places that will help him kick this addiction. I do hope you have a place to go. A lot of these places are free. For the sake of your little ones I agree with Talaniman,both you and your children should have a place to go.

It's hard when you have children and you think about uprooting them and not being sure of what's going to happen.He must want to change.I I feel there has been a lot of abuse physically probably aimed at you. If I'm right, It WILL NOT GET ANY BETTER.

Aren't you worn out not only in body but in your heart? Ten years is enough. I know how scary it is to walk away from what you've been used too. But you'll be walking away from a man who has chosen pills instead of his family. If you're scared, find a place first and if you have too, get the Police to be there when you leave. Your spirit may be broken but you can regain that faith in yourself again.

He's an addict, you need to take your children and leave.Even if he hasn't been emotionally or physically abusive there is a 99% he will be. That's a frightning thought.

You know what a big step it's going to be, and you think you'll be depriving them of their father. Please listen, you want the man he used to be, but until he seeks help that man won't come back. It's better they are away from him until he gets help and If you see he has changed he'll prove it by turning his life around and showing and proving he has changed.

Be strong Brandy and protect those babies and yourself. You have strength you probably don't even know about and now is the time to find it. I know what you are going through.I got out and I'm so happy I did. If you don't love him anymore then that's all the more reason. You can move on! You never know what lies ahead but I think it will be a better life for you and you children... All of us will be here when you need us. God Bless:):)

Gemini54 · Feb 14, 2010, 01:27 AM

Perhaps it's time to let you husband know you are over living the way you've been living.

Change has to come from somewhere, you need to ask him if he's prepared to do the things that are necessary to make your lives improve and to stop the cycle of abuse.

All addicts reach a point of no return. Your husband has to decide what's most important, the pills or his family.

Let him know you've had enough. Let him know things have to change. Give him the choice - he either comes with you and changes or he stays and remains the same.

It's time to be strong and look after yourself and your children.

Cat1864 · Feb 14, 2010, 06:22 AM

J will probably be able to answer this question: Is there a support group for people who have addicted relatives that is close enough to you? I think you need to be around other people who are going through the same things you are. You are by no means alone in what you are going through or how you feel. Hearing other people share their stories and knowing that they are there to support each other as well get support could be a good thing for you.

I am going to be blunt in this and it is not meant to be harsh: He will never be the same person he was before. Even if he quits all painkillers today, goes through rehab, and attempts to do every thing he can to rebuild the marriage, there will be a part of him that will still want and need the pain killers. There will still be the memory of what you have gone through and the damage it has done. To go forward, you have to be willing to understand that the man you fell in love with and married is gone. Can you find it in yourself give the man he would become a chance and maybe fall in love with him? If you can't even face that thought, then you need to begin making plans to leave the marriage.

As has been said, he has to want to change and get 'clean'. All you can do is limit the impact that his decisions have on you and your children.

J_9 · Feb 14, 2010, 06:45 AM

Yes, Cat, we have several support groups in our area not only for the addict and the family members of the addict, but also help in getting out of abusive relationships.

Sadly, I have a feeling Brandy is not going to come back here. I believe they are in the honeymoon phase yet again. It only lasts a couple of weeks, at most, for them.

Hopefully, she will come back when this phase is over.

Cat1864 · Feb 14, 2010, 06:51 AM

Originally Posted by J_9

Yes, Cat, we have several support groups in our area not only for the addict and the family members of the addict, but also help in getting out of abusive relationships.

Sadly, I have a feeling Brandy is not going to come back here. I believe they are in the honeymoon phase yet again. It only lasts a couple of weeks, at most, for them.

Hopefully, she will come back when this phase is over.

We will be here for her if and when she does return. And as many times as it takes.

Even if she doesn't post, I hope curiosity will have her coming back and reading the board and maybe the Addiction Forum, too.

Kitkat22 · Feb 14, 2010, 11:49 AM

People say "love never dies", but it can. I really don't know if you could ever feel the same about him again. Your children will never know the man he used to be because they've only seen who he is now.
It's so sad for you and those kids.They need to know what a happy home life is.

You are a good mother and you have carried the load of this for much to long. You deserve better and your children deserve to be happy. Find that strength Brandy and remember a whole lot of people are praying for you.