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Claire963 · Feb 6, 2010, 04:27 AM

Hi,
I am married for 1.5 years. Just after our honeymoon ended, my married life is in a mess. Let me describe from the beginning. My husband and me both are software professionals and after our honeymoon we both were awfully busy with our offices but once he came home, I wanted to talk to him, wanted to discuss things with him but he believed that till the time he could handle his tensions he won't share them with me and expected the same from me, while I thought of discussing everything and finding solutions together. Even when he did sex it was just a matter of maximum 5 minutes and then I was asked to go to bed without any discussion. He loves cleanliness and kept the house sparkling even before marriage and once I came he expected that I would follow the same. I swear by God I always tried my level best but still couldn't reach his expectations. Once I argued with him and I could no longer manage a very clean house and my 10hours of office together. He became so angry that he bet me and later applied medicine on my wounds. I was so frustrated. Now till the time I didn't say anything things were fine, but the moment I refused I got a beating. I had taken me for granted. In my frustration I went to my mom and uncle and told them everything. They became so upset and came to my husband and rebuked him and said many bad words to him. They asked me not to go back to him but the moment I went back to collect my things I saw the my husband had become very weak and he cried and asked me to forgive. At that Time I had to go for an official tour for 3 months so I went and when I came back I went to him. He said that it was a fault from both sides and now no beating would ever happen.I love him deeply and I wanted to give both another chance. He got his transfer to another city so that none of our relatives can come between us. But least did I know that he did this on purpose so that even if there is a fight I couldn't go back to my home and so that he did not face my family any time in future. My grandfather died a few weeks ago and I asked him to call my mom and feel sorry for my grandfather's death but he said that he has no relation with that family and in life will never ever see them again. He still cannot last for more than 5 minutes in bed but that is no as frustrating as trying to explain him that relations are not meant to be broken apart like this. I came to another city to give ourselves another chance and not to break terms with my family. Now its my sister's marriage and he has asked me to go alone. If I try to explain that my parents scolded him because he was wrong in raising hand on me he gets so irritated that he starts shouting and uses bad words for me. For me marriage meant to be like a fairy tale in which your prince takes care of you and protects you and you live happily ever-after but it has turned opposite. He cares for me and says that he will never leave me. But then why can't he understand me. He does not believe in roses or teddy or candle night dinner or birthdays and says that its not practical to spend money on such matters gather collect all money and go out for one weekend. If I ask him to buy any jewellery for me then he says that what would I do hanging everything around me. I earn well so now I have stopped asking him for anything. I could buy it earlier also but if he could only say that I could bring anything for you that would have been the biggest gift rather than saying that I make useless demands. Now I have stopped saying anything to me. I cook and go to my office and then we go to bed. We have sex have he is willing and max for 5 minutes before I could even feel anything things are packed up. I love him and I don't know if things could work if I remarry. Am I too demanding or I need to give him space and for rest of my life keep my parents away from him. Sorry for such a lengthy quote but please I need your advice.

Devorameira · Feb 6, 2010, 11:44 AM

RUN! You really need to leave him NOW. He is an abuser, and it is NOT YOUR FAULT. You are not his punching bag and aren’t doing anything to deserve to be hit. Don’t ignore his behavior.

Your safety is top priority. You need to get out because it's dangerous. There is no excuse in the world for violence.

You need to leave when he’s going to be out of the house for at least several hours. Hire movers if you can afford them. If not, call friends or relatives to help you pack your belongings as quickly as possible. Rent a truck or van to help you move everything at once. If you do not have anyone who can help you pack your things and move, you can call the police and request their presence. At the very least, ask a neighbor to stay with you just to keep an eye out for your partner.

Don’t tell him where you will be staying. If you are staying with a friend or relative he knows, you run the risk of him finding you there and confronting you... which could put you, your friends or family in danger. If need be go to a women’s shelter to be safe.

Remember - there isn’t anything wrong with you. He’s the one with the problem!

Catsmine · Feb 7, 2010, 04:29 AM

He may have resisted hitting you again so far. Maybe, just maybe, he can resist today. Every day he resists hitting you again you are lucky.

He hit you once. He can hit you again. If you're around. If he can.

You have three options:
1. Leave
2. Stay and learn to fight back
3. Incapacitate him so that he cannot hit you again.

The first option would be my choice, how about you?

Claire963 · Feb 9, 2010, 03:19 AM

Thanks for replying to the post. Really Appreciate it! We had an argument again and he hit me again. I told him that it was all over and that I am leaving and started to pack my bag but he went to the washroom and was tried to consume a whole bottle of liquid detergent and I had to snatch the bottle from his hands. He begged that he cannot live without me and the moment I leave he will commit suicide. He said that he won't hit me again but he said this earlier also. He said that I am a grown up but I still act like a kid and don't understand the importance of time. I told him that I am the worst person but still have the right to live. I am not on his mercy and am an equal contributor towards all household expenses. If he commits suicide I won't be able to forgive me and if he hits me, myself respect is shattered. I consulted a marriage consellor for the same. He has asked me to become neutral and concertrate on my job, hire a maid for household work since I am afford one from my salary. Put my needs in front of him but not in a forceful way but instead a calm and quite way.And observe his reaction.if he still doesn't understand then its high time to leave. What is your opinion? Please suggest. Its really feels good that people who are not related to you still care and take out time. Thanks for your precious time.

Catsmine · Feb 9, 2010, 03:31 AM

Originally Posted by Claire963

Thanks for replying to the post. Really Appreciate it! We had an argument again and he hit me again. I told him that it was all over and that I am leaving and started to pack my bag but he went to the washroom and was tried to consume a whole bottle of liquid detergent and I had to snatch the bottle from his hands. He begged that he cannot live without me and the moment I leave he will commit suicide. He said that he won't hit me again but he said this earlier also. He said that I am a grown up but I still act like a kid and don't understand the importance of time. I told him that I am the worst person but still have the right to live. I am not on his mercy and am an equal contributor towards all household expenses. If he commits suicide I won't be able to forgive me and if he hits me, my self respect is shattered. I consulted a marriage consellor for the same. He has asked me to become neutral and concertrate on my job, hire a maid for household work since I am afford one from my salary. Put my needs in front of him but not in a forceful way but instead a calm and quite way.And observe his reaction.if he still doesn't understand then its high time to leave. What is your opinion? Please suggest. Its really feels good that people who are not related to you still care and take out time. Thanks for your precious time.

"If you leave me, I'll (hurt/kill) myself and it will be your fault." Typical abuser response.

Unless your counselor has talked to him as well, be very careful in following his/her advice. The counselor knows you better than we do, but the news is full of interviews with victims (you) who gave their abuser one more chance - and the interview took place in the hospital. Follow the couselor's advice by all means, but don't get complacent.

Claire963 · Feb 9, 2010, 06:24 AM

Originally Posted by Catsmine

"If you leave me, I'll (hurt/kill) myself and it will be your fault." Typical abuser response.

Unless your counselor has talked to him as well, be very careful in following his/her advice. The counselor knows you better than we do, but the news is full of interviews with victims (you) who gave their abuser one more chance - and the interview took place in the hospital. Follow the couselor's advice by all means, but don't get complacent.

Thanks for replying. No, my husband has not met the counselor. It was me who had gone to the counselor. I think I have given a way too much to this relation without getting anything in response. His attitude has driven me away from him. Now I need to concerntrate on myself, my job, my career. If I would perform good in this term at office I might get chosen for an official training( which is far away from this place). I am planning to work hard towards so that It adds to my career and also while the 3 months training I could look for job options in that place. So that I can escape without facing him. I will start to collect evidences against him if at all he drags me to court. Till that time I will do what he likes as I have been doing for the past one and half years. If he improves (which is next to impossible) then let's see else I have made up my mind.

I think one should not given so much in a relation that one loses her/his identity.

Thanks for all your help. May God Bless you all.

Jake2008 · Feb 9, 2010, 08:24 AM

Your counsellor is wrong.

His thinking is that if you ease up on your stress, thus easing up on your expectations of your husband, then he will have no reason to beat you.

In other words, you can do things to stop the abuse.

That is ridiculous, very bad advice in my opinion.

While you are living with him, you have no idea what will set him off the next time. This is dangerous, because you can never prepare, or properly defend yourself.

My advice to you is to seek counselling from a divorce attorney, and start the ball rolling. Have a plan and stick to it.

Unless he is willing to attend some significant therapy for his anger/control issues, you will never be able to change him.

talaniman · Feb 11, 2010, 01:27 PM

While I think you have done very well with the counseling angle, I think you should also make sure you are in a safe environment. Any guy who will kill himself after beating you, is capable of killing you as well.

Sorry but I believe he does his changes, and betters himself from a safer distance, with no danger to you, in case he slips, in his behavior.

Protect yourself, by any means!!

Devorameira · Feb 14, 2010, 09:47 AM

I must confess that I am worried for you. Abusive behavior + suicidal thoughts can add up to a very dangerous situation for you. If he sees no value in his own life, I don't think he'd see much value in yours either. Is there any way you can get away from him NOW? Do you have family, friends, colleagues, etc who might be able to help you?

Consult an attorney and start making a plan toward a healthy life for you.

With him, just remember:
1 You didn't cause it
2 You can't control it
3 You can't cure it.

Claire963 · May 2, 2013, 11:00 PM

Hello Everyone,

I am in the process of separating from my husband and I request you not to delete this thread.

My husband had deleted all mails that I had initially written to his family asking for help and protection against the domestic violence caused by him.

I use to write a daily dairy but he tore that also. This is the only proof that I have that shows that I was a VICTIM OF HIS GRAVE DOMESTIC VIOLENCE all throughout my married life.

I am fighting against this criminal and would therefore request you not to delete this post.

Thank you and Bless you all.

Cat1864 · May 3, 2013, 04:08 AM

Originally Posted by Claire963

Hello Everyone,

I am in the process of separating from my husband and I request you not to delete this thread.

My husband had deleted all mails that I had initially written to his family asking for help and protection against the domestic violence caused by him.

I use to write a daily dairy but he tore that also. This is the only proof that I have that shows that I was a VICTIM OF HIS GRAVE DOMESTIC VIOLENCE all throughout my married life.

I am fighting against this criminal and would therefore request you not to delete this post.

Thank you and Bless you all.

Claire, thank you for the update. I am sorry you are being put through this. I hope for your sake it gets resolved quickly no matter what he does.

To let you know, it is site policy to keep threads. This thread will be here.

Good luck in starting a new life. May you find peace and happiness in the future.