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Bagdinho · Nov 22, 2006, 04:17 PM

Ok it's a long story but its eating me up.
I met my ex-girlfriend at college, near enough exactly a year ago, we spent lots of time together, it was basically like living together, spending a lot more time with each other than a usual couple would, we love each other greatly, as well as relying on each other for support. She was the first person I slept with, then in July , she came over to my house and we had an excellent time, really was possibly the best time of my life, she was there for a week then left home, we were serious and doubted wed ever break up, she went home , a few weeks later, her phone was busy as she promised me she would ring me, she said she was on the answerphone by accident, now to most people who love there girlfriends that's understandable but I love her, care for her so much I worried about losing her everyday, I rang her the next day and asked her to promise me she was on the answer phone and she refused, I couldn't take it, we were so close and we both knew how much just assuring the other person about something which was doubtful would help us cope. I went to her house and lied to her about cheating on her, I know you might think that people who love each other don't do things like that, but I'm different hehe. I left the house and immediately knew it was the wrong decision, I told her within the day it was all lies but I know I couldn't really expect her to believe that , so I left it for a while, it was horrible, I started going out trying to do anything to get over her, but after a week I finally got in touch and she said how she was never going to believe it. I went on a holiday with my family which she was meant to have been on and finally, well nearly, maintained contact with her towards the end of the holiday. Then just as she was starting to believe, as a very big stroke of luck the girl I said I had cheated on her with was on my MSN(we both knew each others passwords) she found out the truth, but obviously you can't forgive like that, she was more hurt by that she said than if I had actually done it. Then after a couple of weeks we maintained daily contact, although I went out and got with some girls, she went out as well. I maintained contact but soon became frustrated at the speed of the relationship, I found another girlfriend, if only to get over her, I told her straightaway, but I continued to tell her I loved her, and on several occasions had phone sex with her. Then she had a 2 week holiday to america and I told her before she went that I loved her and she said the same. I said I'm sorry, don't forget me everything will be OK. Now at first it was nice, she wasn't bothering me I could get on with my life but it was murder eventually, I broke up with the girlfriend I was with, and from then on it was horrible, made even worse by the fact she arrived back a day late, I just felt like shed gone, id lost her. Then she came back and we got back together, we planned to see each other the weekend just gone, we continued to be together, and I knew not to ruin it this time , I did nothing to upset her, I knew it was right. But at the end of last week she asked if it would work living so far away, and she went on a weekend break on very bad terms, although I wasn't as hurt as I was when she went to america because I knew it was only 2 days. But when she got back, it looked like she had thought about and said, I know I asked that and I don't think it will, but that doesn't mean I don't want to give it a chance. Now contact has broken down, a lot, she says she will ring me but doesn't, and talks to me only for what I think is her personal gain. She says she wants to meet up, but is unsure how. I know she hasn't got a new boyfriend, because she has very low budget, what with having to pay for college herself, and waking up at 6 am, getting home at 7pm and my cousin goes to her college still and says she seems a bit absent as well. What could it be? I know she loves me, but why is she ignoring me? And ignoring plans and ideas we have made? I love her so much and just can't understand what the hell is going on.

crybabypirate2255 · Nov 23, 2006, 12:21 AM

TOO CLINGY!! You are like racecar, she is like slug. In other words, GO A LITTER SLOWER!! Become a slug like her and talk to her about going ssssssslllllllllllllooooooooooowwwwwwwwwww

talaniman · Nov 23, 2006, 04:22 AM

After all the stuff you put this woman through, You really have no clue why she would be ignoring you. Could she be tired of the drama? You had a g/f and still trying to get next to her telling her you love her? You get tired of the pace of the relationship so instead of working on it you go get a g/f to get over your ex? Do you honestly think she would put up with your behavior forever? Maybe she has decided enough is enough and she is ignoring you to get her dignity back. Or maybe she has decided that she needs to get on with her life and be happy without you. You have presumed that after all this cruel behavior by you that your plans are still hers. Could she have changed her mind and not bothered to tell you. Maybe she has woke up in time to see the error of her ways. So should you.

ordinaryguy · Nov 23, 2006, 06:50 AM

You have big issues, man. You can't jerk people around like that and expect them to keep coming back for more. Take a lesson, and mend your ways. Respect and trust are the foundation of healthy relationships. Learn to build from the ground up. It takes time.

s_cianci · Nov 23, 2006, 09:23 AM

It sounds like you smothered each other in the beginning. Furthermore, I think that both of you are kind of ambivalent as to what you actually want at this stage. You continue to see other people (and that's OK) and are constantly on-again, off-again. Also I'm not sure either of you has healthy standards or expectations for a relationship. I'd give things a rest for a while and pursue other activities. It sounds like things are just too volatile between the two of you right now for anything meaningful to come out of this.

Skell · Nov 23, 2006, 03:54 PM

You have some massive issues to work on.. you said it too. You are different. Nothing wrong with being different if the different is healthy.

But your different is far from healthy sorry.

You were way to clingy. Way too clingy..

You drove her away with hwo you acted and I can understand her ignoring you.

Now is the time to realise that this is over and work on you.

You need to learn what went wrong. Why it went wrong. The big role you played in it going wrong and how you can change and fix things.

Other wise if you don't you will continue to have relationships like this and you will be hurt over and over an over.

Bagdinho · Nov 23, 2006, 07:06 PM

Ok I can understand what you guys are saying, I know what I did wrong, I just wanted to know what she was thinking, but on the clingy case, it got to the point where I had to lie to her when I was going for a perfectly innocent drink with my friends, to stop her completely blowing her top. Im sorry, I think you guys think I'm a right evil guy, but I'm only 17 I have a lot to learn, and I have feelings to. What do you guys suggest I try to do eventually with her? Give her a few weeks to enjoy life and give her a call or completely forget her? What I was trying to say is I know I was wrong, and know for a fact I will never behave like that again,with her, with anyone else. Although this pain and anguish has severely put me off settling down in a relationship for a very long time. I do love her and know she loves me. And if you guys could honestly tell me what you would do in this situation id be very grateful, as I already am for the constructed replies. Its helped a lot.

Skell · Nov 23, 2006, 07:13 PM

Well it sounds as though it wasn't a very healthy relationship. If you had to lie to her to see your friends then she is as guilty as you are and there isn't a hope in hell that this was ever going to work.

Frankly, if she is like this then I can't see why you would want her back. Sure it might be good at times but do you want to live a life of lies because she for whatever reason can't trust you, or won't let you do what you want at times?

But yes you are young and mistakes will be made. Gee, at 17 I was making similar mistakes with my girlfriend at the time.

If I were you I would leave her completely alone. Don't chase her, don't contact her. Let her be. Let her do what she needs to do for a while.

And if I were you I would do the same. Just do what you want to do. Hang with them buddies, go to thew gym, workout, eat healthy, do things you want to do. Be comfortable and happy with who you are.

But most of all you need to work out why you were the way you were when you were with her and change things within yourself to ensure that you don't be that person again. It is so important that you learn lessons from this in order to grow as a person.

So leave her be, if she loves you as much as you say then you will have another shot at it. But you can't force things. You both need time to evaluate. Hopefully you both do some growing up and learn why it has failed so far, so if you do happen to be together again you don't make the same mistakes and act the same way as you have described above.

Or you will just end up in the same situation again.

Understand?

Bagdinho · Nov 23, 2006, 07:17 PM

Hmm I guess so, but as well as that, she even got mad at me the other day for not sending her an SMS when she went out, as I normally do that to make sure she's OK and that she isn't cheating on me, I had settled down, I knew I could trust her but she couldn't trust me I guess. If she comes back ringing me how do I act? Ignore the whole saga and declare my love? Or ask why she has been ignoring me?

Bagdinho · Nov 23, 2006, 07:20 PM

As well as that, are there any tips whatsoever you could give me in regards to actually erasing someone from my life? How to avoid getting upset, after all a routine like talking everyday, having a laugh with each other, because we have probably only not talked about 30 days since last November, how I do get used to not talking to her in other words?

Skell · Nov 23, 2006, 07:24 PM

Ok,

In light of your last 2 posts I would remove yourself from this girls life and work on your own issues.
You both don't belong in a relationship and have lots to work on. Whether you are only 17 or not you are both acting pretty immaturely and until such times as you grow up a bit I would stay out of relationship all together.

So no contact.

No answering calls.

Work on you.

That should take care of your second question too!

You'll get used to it in time.

J_9 · Nov 23, 2006, 07:27 PM

Originally Posted by Bagdinho

Hmm i guess so, but aswell as that, she even got mad at me the other day for not sending her an SMS when she went out, as i normally do that to make sure shes ok and that she aint cheating on me,

Maybe it is time for you to cut your losses and be single for a while. The sentence above is a major red flag.

Do you really send her a message making sure she is not cheating on you? Please tell us you don't.

If I had a man that did that to me, I would tell him to take a long hike off a short pier.

It appears that there is too much drama and too many trust issues that need to be worked on before there is a real relationship.

Skell · Nov 23, 2006, 07:37 PM

Yes he e does J_9.

They both have some massive trust issues with each other.

Both are only 17 and although almost adults aren't acting like it.

I agree that some time alone to do some growing up is needed.

This relationship was not a very good one and I doubt it would be much better another time around!

Bagdinho · Nov 23, 2006, 08:42 PM

OK OK guys, I guess I should explain something which might enlighten you, but I fully accept the criticism and will take it all in, thank you. But we both, especially her , had trust issues already. I like to think I can play the field although there was a girl before hand I was very sorry to see go, and for her her life has been an emotional wreck, having been cheated on before. Although she says she doesn't love him any more, I thought true love never dies? No matter what the other person does to you, not saying that as a means she should take my love, but taking each other out of each others lives after we have been best friends for so long, isn't that a little extreme? After all the only reason we probably carried on for so long after was because we enjoy each others company. Enjoy the same interests, is it a factor I have not lived with my parents for around 3 years, due to them needing to work abroad? I see them frequently although I have a fear that the lack of parents has made me open to depending on her , when normally I probably wouldn't have?

Bagdinho · Nov 23, 2006, 09:35 PM

And I'm probably right that casual sex won't stop me feelings but make them stronger? I just can't see my life without her, yet looking back its not like I predicted a little over a year ago what was coming around the corner, I think I'm confused and don't know what to do. But please don't tell me I don't love her.

talaniman · Nov 24, 2006, 06:58 AM

I do love her and know she loves me. And if you guys could honestly tell me what you would do in this situation id be very grateful, as I already am for the constructed replies. Its helped a lot.

Time to leave her completely alone and move on with your life. You both have things to work out and you both need to learn what it is to make healthy decisions about what you want in life. We all go through that period where we must grow and fit into the world. Accept he fact that life moves on and get over each other to find out what it is you want of yourself and your life.