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near74 · Feb 4, 2010, 12:54 AM

Hi there, my wife and I have been married for 10 years now and we have a beautiful son aged 6 years, the problem is that when we married I knew that she wasn't a virgin as she told me that she was raped by her uncle, only to open up 5 months ago that she was raped by her ex-boyfriend, before we got married when we were dating we had a fight as she lied that she spend a day watching TV with a her friend and when I asked that friend she denied saying she was lying, was only watching TV with a guy( only friend?), felt betrayed and moved on, now this I find it very hard to accept and forgive help me out.

ChihuahuaMomma · Feb 4, 2010, 01:32 AM

Am I to understand she watched TV with another guy before you were married 6 years ago? Leave the past in the past. Focus on the future.

Rich11111 · Feb 4, 2010, 07:08 AM

So she was raped by someone 10 years ago before you were married. If this is true then I would leave it in the past, I too would be bothered by her lying, but since she was raped you can't really be angry at her for it.
Unfortunately after 10 years there isn't really anything you can do to get justice for it.

That's assuming she was raped, I don't mean to accuse her of anything but I can't see why she could tell you that her uncle raped her but couldn't tell you her ex did.
Does the fact that she wasn't a virgin bother you? Or just the fact that she lied about how she lost it?

Jake2008 · Feb 4, 2010, 12:01 PM

Could it be that you suspect that something else is going on with her?

What has changed to the point where you are suspicious and unable to leave the past in the past- now, when you were okay with everything for so many years.

If you are looking for clues to current behaviour, and think it might be because of past behaviour, you need to talk to her.

I mean in a calm, cool and collected kind of way that won't make her feel guilty or responsible for the way you are feeling.

If there are other contributing factors going on here, and you can post with more detail, I hope you do.

There must be more to this sudden focus on bringing up the past.

talaniman · Feb 4, 2010, 01:15 PM

Are you saying your tripping over something that happened 10 years ago?

near 83 · Feb 5, 2010, 04:29 AM

Its only haunting me that one she said she was raped by her uncle yet she knew deep down she wa lying and o feel cheated, two, she lied before we get married that she was watching tele with her friend gal only that she was watched with a guy and when I asked (by then) she said they only kissed ? So recently she open up that she wasn't raped by her uncle but by her ex. I feel I was cheated and its haunting me day in day out. Months back we had a fight and she went to her brother and she told her friend that she should have listened to her dad because he didn't approve our marriage.when I asked about it she said her{frend) lied. Confused and cornered. Help me what can I do help me pliz...

QLP · Feb 5, 2010, 04:56 AM

Ok what exactly is the issue?

Is it that you need reasons for these specific lies or that you are worried that it suggests she lies to you regularly?

Why did she feel the need to lie about who she was watching Tv with? Are you someone who would be upset that she watched Tv with a guy? Ok maybe she felt guilty that they kissed, but it was a heck of a long time ago.

The rape is more complicated as no doubt she will have a lot of bad feelilngs tied up in that. Maybe the fact that her ex would rape her was so unpalatable to her that she couldn't bring herself to say that. Maybe she felt that because it was her ex it was somehow her fault even though it was rape. Rape and abuse victims more often than not find ways to blame themselves and find the shame very hard to deal with. Maybe she thought if she admitted it was her ex you would confront him and she couldn't deal with this.

The fact that she has suddenly decided to 'tell all' after all these years suggests to me that she is trying to get closure and trusting you with the truth is part of that process.

If she has opened up to you about the things she finds most difficult to admit and you have responded with anger that will make her feel terrible.

You need to sit down and get clear in your mind exactly what it is you are so upset about then work out how to talk to her in a non-accusing way.

You could start by saying something like, " I realise how hard it must have been to tell me these things. I am feeling... (upset, scared, hurt?) because... (I'm frightened there might be more you haven't said? I'm confused why you couldn't tell me before?) The key to communicating is to open up about how you are feeling and to be open to hearing how she is feeling. Not to apportion blame on each other.

Cat1864 · Feb 5, 2010, 07:50 AM

Near74 and near 83, why the name change?

I think you and your wife need marriage counseling. There is a lot of confusion in your posts and I think we are only getting part of the story.

A neutral third party mediating a discussion where you can both feel safe talking about issues and concerns along with feeling like you are being heard seems like good way out of the confusion. A counselor can also help by giving you both ways to communicate better with each other and work together to fix any problems.

donf · Feb 5, 2010, 09:03 AM

Curious, how old was your wife at the time of the Rape. If she was under age, then in fact she was raped and the uncle should get to see the bottom of a starving tiger pit!

I am also curious as to why this is such a hot button for you. Were you a virgin when you married her?

For 10 years you have a normal marriage then you suddenly build a case for lying, what is going on, now not 11+ years ago?