[LyraArtemis]

Feb 6th is our one year anniversary. My boyfriend and I have been friends for over ten years now. He has always been one of my best friends. Over the years he has gone on adventures that took him far away.

A couple years ago, when he confessed his love for me I was in a relationship with someone else. That relationship lasted just under a year(and was terribly abusive).

In the past I have lived with boyfriends who couldn't keep jobs and were generally undependable. The two I'm thinking of both had behavioral issues such as bipolar disorder and ADHD. I believe these disorders kept them from having what it takes to keep a steady job.

Now, I have a toddler son and my boyfriend has lived with us since last March. The reason he lives with us is because he had just moved back to the states after a long trip overseas. He was in the situation he had to look for work. So he could be nearby he just moved in with us. He had a large savings to live off for a while

I've explained to him about my past issues. As he was approaching the end of his savings he had done very little job hunting. He even admits he was being lazy. My problem is that he waited WAY too long. His money is gone and now I'm paying the rent alone and supporting him. He has been putting a little more effort to look for work but I'm not convinced he's giving it his all.

I feel insignificant compared to other peoples' problems. My problem is I don't know how to live day by day while he looks for work in a tough economy without mentally torturing myself. I don't want to make excuses for him and I want to trust him as well.

Should I trust him to find work? Should I push him harder to look harder?

[Gemini54]

If this guy is your best friend, then you need to have a long talk with him.

He's not had a job since last March. That's a long time to be out of the job market and the longer he stays out of the job market, the more difficult it will be to get back into it.

Talk to him. Explain your concerns. Let him know that you want to share a life with him, but that you can't afford to financially support the 3 of you. Let him know that you would very much appreciate a contribution from him. Ask him if there is anything you can do to assist his job search.

I also think that you need to be really honest with him about your expectations. You want a partner that can contribute to the relationship equally, and it's important for your relationship that he makes a genuine effort to seek work.

See what he says - looking for work can be a very dispiriting process, and he'll need your support and encouragement.

[LyraArtemis]

Thank you Gemini!

[blowe]

Set a reasonable boundary that you can stick to. If your not SURE you can stick to it don't set it.

For example you could say: I need you to go stay at a mens shelter until you are actively looking for work. To me actively looking for work means putting in at least 6 resumes/applications a DAY. Mon-Fri.

And its always good to follow up with something like: I'll love you no matter what you choose and I know you can do this but I don't want to be a part of your poor choices.

Then stick to it. Be prepared for the fact that this will be painfull so ask your girlfriends/family for emotional support and be willing to go without whatever he offers the relationship in order to get to a better place. If he really wants to just live off you you'll be better of finding out now. Hopefully he cares enough about himself and you to make a healthy change.

Good Luck!