[HistorianChick]

Ok, dilema: You all know that I hate conflict. I'm a very passivist-type person, choosing rather to "put up" with things instead of confronting and dealing with drama. I had an interesting situation arise out of an already potentially-uneasy friendship.

I'll be brief (and use correct grammar!). Last July I was in the wedding of a dear friend. She is not family, but I consider her to be a little sister. The man she was marrying also is a dear friend. I work with the groom's father and used to work with the bride's mother. I attend the same church as the couple and even am in the Sunday school class of the groom's father, i.e. my co-worker. I adore the entire family; they've become an "adoptive" family, if you will.

I work at a college. One of the students is an acquaintance who I know through church, nothing else, really. He got married over the Christmas holiday. Before the wedding, he "warned" me in a joking matter that I had better start looking for a man because when he brought his new bride, he and she would "take" my friend and his wife away. I laughed at it, but really wondered what would happen.

Well, it's happening. Which, honestly, I don't mind; they are both young couples who should hang out with people of similar social status (if that is a way to describe it). But last night, he said something that really got me bugged.

We were all playing a game that was getting quite silly. He looks across the table at me and says, "Settle. Down." The game erupted in some silly result of a move and I ignored him.

Now, this couple (not my "little sister") has taken this "We're married, you're not, you know nothing of love and sex and marriage, therefore, you're beneath us." Now, this is simply untrue... and rather offensive to me.

Question: do I brush it off or do I casually say something to this 21 year old, newlywed who thinks he can tell a 30 year old woman what to do? Keep in mind that this family is in my daily life, weekend life, job life, and social life.

Yes, I know it's trite and trivial, but I'm looking for some outsiders opinions. Thanks, guys!

[cdad]

I think after you typed this up you surely realized that they are beneath you. They are young. Right now they don't know any better. Let them think what they want. The thing that is most important is the YOU KNOW the difference. Wait till after a few years go by and the smiles are worn off. You will still be smiling. They will still be trying to figure out what to do. Like fashion some friendships keep coming back and like fads some fade away. Don't sweat it.

[redhed35]

I would be quite offended too, I think I probably would have said something at the time,but since its past,bringing it up would seem petty,although if your friendly enough you could say you were offended by the remark and give him a chance to say sorry.

Some guys with the best intention in the world take on a 'im a man now I'm married' but as you and I know,every relationship has it problems and ups and downs,and before long 'little sister' will come looking to you for advice.

He doesn't know it all,which one of us do,and he will quickly learn that growing balls take time,and growing real man balls takes even longer,but I'm guessing you will never know the hard lessons he has yet to learn.

He may just remember that comment in a few years and cringe to himself.

As for you,the older more beautiful and wiser can sleep safe in the knowledge that you know the crap from the crapola.

You learned your lessons and you learned them well.

[HistorianChick]

i would be quite offended too, i think i probably would have said something at the time,but since its past,bringing it up would seem petty,although if your friendly enough you could say you were offended by the remark and give him a chance to say sorry.

some guys with the best intention in the world take on a 'im a man now im married' but as you and i know,every relationship has it problems and ups and downs,and before long 'little sister' will come looking to you for advice.

he does'nt know it all,which one of us do,and he will quickly learn that growing balls take time,and growing real man balls takes even longer,but im guessing you will never know the hard lessons he has yet to learn.

he may just remember that comment in a few years and cringe to himself.

as for you,the older more beautiful and wiser can sleep safe in the knowledge that you know the crap from the crapola.

you learned your lessons and you learned them well.

Man, I have to spread the love, but I owe you one.

As Calfdad said, as I was typing it out, I think I started to realize this same thing... stinks that it is all "going down" like this, and yes, I have definitely sifted the crap from the crapola!

I appreciate your advice, Red. Being the grown up stinks sometimes! But, you're right... the lessons will come.

I don't know him well enough to bring it up casually, so, I think I'll just let it ride. Til' next time, that is! :)

[redhed35]

When his poor wife has her head in the loo and sick to her stomach from morning sickness,when the laundry had not been done in 2 weeks because of a colicky baby and his lovely wife whacks him with the newspaper and roars at him to get up off his ar*e and help her... loves young dream will fade and reality will be a cold slap in the face.

And you'll be sitting at home with your feet up singing zippidy do da.

[HistorianChick]

when his poor wife has her head in the loo and sick to her stomach from morning sickness,when the laundry had not been done in 2 weeks because of a colicky baby and his lovely wife whacks him with the newspaper and roars at him to get up off his ar*e and help her...loves young dream will fade and reality will be a cold slap in the face.

and you'll be sitting at home with your feet up singing zippidy do da.

Unfortunately, that is the case. Sad. But, you're right. They are going to need people in their lives that have watched them grow up through all this.

Thanks for helping me reevaluate the situation. It helps. :)

[Cat1864]

Where is his wife from? The phrase "brought his new bride" makes me wonder if he feels that a single woman being friends with his married wife would be a bad influence on her. That she might get ideas that a 'wife' shouldn't have (tongue firmly in cheek on that sentence.)

Stay friends with the 'sister' and her family. Keep treating her as the little sister that you have known her as. She is still the same person whether she is married or not. She will still need friends who aren't part of the 'couples' circle' that she can talk to and get down time from the relationship.

[HistorianChick]

Where is his wife from? The phrase "brought his new bride" makes me wonder if he feels that a single woman being friends with his married wife would be a bad influence on her. That she might get ideas that a 'wife' shouldn't have (tongue firmly in cheek on that sentance.)

Stay friends with the 'sister' and her family. Keep treating her as the little sister that you have known her as. She is still the same person whether she is married or not. She will still need friends who aren't part of the 'couples' circle' that she can talk to and get down time from the relationship.

This guy married a girl from his hometown in NC. That's a possibility... If there is one thing I am not, it is a push-over. Maybe he doesn't want his wife to be assertive? I don't know. I'm at the point in my life where I have realized that I don't need a man! I mean, I'd love someone to love, but I'm happy and content where I am... maybe he doesn't want that mindset to rub off... interesting point.

The little sister will always be a special part of my life. I almost see her having a tough time trying to balance the "I have to be a friend to this new bride" with the "I don't want to lose my friends"... it's an interesting situation, and all very new...

I've probably read a whole lot into it, but again, I tend to be obseravational and not confrontational!

Which is good, in this sense!

[Cat1864]

One thing I have always been glad of is having friends of all ages and marital status. You aren't much older than they are though it may seem like it at times. They always seem so much younger when they think they know everything. Reminds me of the saying about 'don't let your hound dog mouth over load your puppy dog rear end'. His mouth is overwhelming his maturity.

It sounds like the ladies (you included) could use an outing (or stay in for a 'spa'/movie night) without the men. It is easy as a new wife to forget that you are a woman and need to have outlets other than your husband and home (yeah, that pesky experience critter rears its head again.)

[HistorianChick]

Ooo... great idea. I think I may just suggest that.

Thanks... you've been a big help!

[Cat1864]

Glad I can help in any way. :)

[mawtom]

Silence is a powerful weapon. People with large egos may purposely say things to "goad" someone into an emotional response, thus making a fool of themselves. If they can't goad you, and they don't know what you are thinking; you give no response verbally or in body language, they will simply fade away. Silence... "Don't say a word". Shhhhh