[Skell]

Hi All,

Forgive me if I am a little all over the place but to say yesterday was a bad day is a gross understatement. It was horrible and my emotions are still a little messed.

Hope this isn't too long but here goes.

I woke to the news yesterday morning that my Pop (mums dad) had been taken to hospital with pneumonia. He was a very fit and healthy man so it was a bit of a surprise but from all accounts it wasn't too serious. He would hopefully be out in a few days.

Anyway, about an hour later my dad calls me at work to let me know that his mother, my Nan, had been taken to hospital with a broken hip. She had fallen over in the night quite badly. She is 86 but quite spritely but health had been slowly on a downward path..

So this news coupled with my Pop was a little distressing.

Anyway, an hour or so after that my dad rang again telling me that I better come to the hospital straight away as my Pop might not survive.

By the time I had got there he was gone. Very sudden and very upsetting for myself but in particular my mum. She has now lost her mum and dad. So at present she is my No. 1 priority obviously.

So it has been quite a bad day or two.

I went to visit my Nan in hospital last night and although in a lot of pain is going OK. But as you would appreciate a broken hip for a 86 is much more serious for a frail old women than a younger person. There could be major complication with surgery etc. They have put it off once because of her heart and they do have fears for her. And she is smart enough to know this too.

Now here is where it gets complicated for me and I hate it because now isn't about me.

My Nan (all my grandparent in fact) and my ex were very very close. In fact my Nan considered my ex a daughter and my ex considered her a grandmother. More so then her own who had never really been there for my ex. My nan confided in her and had a very close bond, particularly after she lost her own daughter (my aunt) to cancer some years ago. It was a relationship that developed outside the confines of my relationship with both my ex and my gp's.

So when me and my ex broke up my Nan and my Pop (not the one who passed away) were extremely heart broken and felt it heavily. And my ex was so scared and upset of hurting them. I think she was more upset about hurting them then me at times.

Anyway, my gp's offered me the support that I needed and were great throughout my tough times. I would always be No. 1. But given the bond they had developed with my ex they urged her to not completely shut them off and continue to be a part of their life in some way. Which my ex, loving them so much did, as far as I know.

I was fine with this, on the strict proviso that my grandparents never ever talk to me about her and they never ever talk to her about me. I know this would be kept. I wanted my ex out of my life and no contact and it was respected. I still want this as well.

However, with my Nan being the way she is and the future so uncertain, and the fact that I have been so horribly awoken as to how quick they can go, I know my Nan would want my ex to know and I can't say for sure or not but I'm pretty sure my ex would want to know. I'm sure they would like to see each other.

But I don't want to have to deal with the ex. It hurts too much still. This is the first major problem I have had to overcome without her by my side and it has made me realise how much I still miss her. But enforced to me that in order for me to continue to grow that it is something that I need and want to face without her. It is another great growing experience in my healing path.

My priority right now is my mum and family. I don't want the added pressure of having to deal in any way with the ex. Even if it is just a call to tell her what has happened.

But having said that I love my Nan more than anything and would like her to be happy too.

It is just so confusing. I might sound selfish but I am anything but. I am just confused.

Perhaps I could get a mutual friend to mention it to her? I don't know.

Sorry for the long post. I just felt like writing.

[Allheart]

Skell,

First of all, I am so very sorry for your loss. Deeply sorry. Please know that. I often believe that God gives us so much like this at one time as it all is so overwhelming the mind has a hard time grasping and you are just left feeling you are in bizzaro world. Of course, there are no words that I could write here that would even help relieve your sadness, I will just keep you and your family in my thoughts.

Skell, it may be best for you, to have that mutual friend let your ex know. You would never forgive yourself if something were to happen and you didn't let her know. Heck, if you like... I will let her know :).

May peace come to your heart during this difficult time. You are a very special person, during this difficult time, thinking of how best to do what you hope is the right thing.

My best to you Skell and again, my sincerest condolences and I will also keep your Nan in my prayers that her recovery is quick.

[Wildcat21]

Sorry for your loss Dude. I mean it. That is about the most horrible day imaginable.

Don't call the ex.

God speed.

[Skell]

Thank you Cat.

[bj_1964]

Skell,

I am so sorry for your loss. I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

[talaniman]

My condolences to you, and your family. This is a very tough time for you and yours. If your Nan wants to see the ex, then arrange it , best with a mutual friend if possible. Here is where it get sticky. I have watched you grow and help others to grow. You are not the same person you were before. You may not be ready for any contact with your ex, but it may happen, so be prepared for what you know will be a very hard time for you, and for her. Your family needs your strength and you have to give it. Sometimes we have to do the things we do not want to do, because of others needing us to. So whatever comes up face it with the knowledge that the family depends on you, and you will survive this too. Hope I'm not scaring you, but we can't always pick the time and place to do what must be done. It may move you from your comfort zone, but I have faith you will be okay. You know we are here if you need us.

[Nohitter410]

I am so deeply sorry for your loss. My grandpa is going through cancer right now and all he cares about is how I am doing.

As for you and what in my opinion is going on. It is hard going through a breakup and what helps anyone get through it is to lean on people that love you. Your grandparents could provide that. Now that it is tough now doesn't mean you need to regress. You were able to be OK with them and I know they would want you to realize how much progress you made.

Calling your ex will just make it worse. Just because your grandpa died doesn't mean that you need to run back to someone in your life that wasn't there for you. You need to lean on friends and family in these trying times and realize that it is horrible that your ex isn't there, you can only think of you. And you don't want to drag on and try to let your ex back in your life.

Move on but understand that your loved ones want you to be happy and they obviously cared about you.

[Allheart]

Wow Tal, incredible and amazing words. I read that one several times. Beautiful.

Skell, I echo Tal's words... remember... We are always here.

Praying for you and yours.

[Geoffersonairplane]

Hello Skell,

I am very sorry to learn what has happened to you, this must be really hard for you.

You have shown great strength evidently in the past and you are a strong person now and I know you an get through this difficult time.

I think the best thing would be to do what is best for your nan and arrange for the ex to be contacted but like others say, through a mutual friend. You really must do what is best for your nan.

You are strong enough to do this. If it means that no contact is broken with the ex... So be it.

You are doing this for the love for your nan and for nothing else but I think your ex would want to know too. They seemed very close.

Whatever you decide to do, I know you will do the right thing.

Take care matey..

[wap]

Hi Skell,

I am so sorry to hear about your loss. That is horrible.

I know what it is like to go through that, I lost my gran to cancer as you know, last year she died and I was out of the country and couldn't get back for the funeral. One of the last things she said to me was 'he is a good one, you keep a hold of him'. That really hurt because obviously we are not together.

I do think she would understand now I hope, and that she will see I am doing well, and my ex has bad points as well as good.

I think you should get someone else to mention to your ex, I think it may play on your mind later if you don't. It can be arranged that you don't see or speak to her. That would be too hard, because you are feeling vulnerable right now, you may break down and seeing her or speaking to her will just hurt you bad.

[valinors_sorrow]

My condolences for both the loss and pain, Skell to both you and your family.

I know you have doubts that you really are the "big" person I think you are, that you are obviously being called upon to be here --- but maybe this is where you get to see a little of it. I am not suggesting any of this was created for you to learn that particular lesson... just that a gift may be in it for you. The universe does have a way of offering gifts in the midst of some really terrible circumstances from what I have seen. And so now you need to take the gift with some measure of grace.

If you manage to contact her through a friend then that is how its supposed to go, but if it somehow requires it be you, like Tal said, put on your spiritual armor (only to self protect, this isn't war) and do the right thing. I echo Tal's sentiments in that we need sometimes to stretch ourselves in doing the right thing by others and I believe you are ready for this... that there is something to that adage that "God doesn't give us any more than we can handle" or if he appears to, its only to teach us how much we need each other. Hang onto your family and us and do what is needed. You'll be just fine Skell. In fact, you already are and just might not know it...

[J_9]

Skell,

I am deeply sorry for your loss. I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers this holiday season.

I too think you need to contact your ex, if through a friend. It would be the right thing to do. It is going to be rough, since you are vulerable now in your grief, but you are not the same person you were when I first met you. You are much stronger now.

Be strong, you can get through this.

[K_3]

I am so sorry for your loss and there are never words of comfort. When we loose someone we cherish the memories and the loving feelings of the one so dear to us. In your life you will notice things you say, do, or think that came from him. He will live on in you forever and you will share stories some day with your children about him. Wonderful fond memories. I can tell by you speaking of him, you gave him so much in his lifetime. Bless you.
I do believe you should tell your X. She may be a great comfort to your Nan. Right now, that is who this is all about. I agree with Val, this may be your chance to show how strong you have become. The way to get over fear is to face it. That does not mean you have to go out of your way to face it, but iwhen it happens upon you, you will be surprised at how far you have come.

My condolences to you, and your family. This is a very tough time for you and yours. If your Nan wants to see the ex, then arrange it , best with a mutual friend if possible. Here is where it get sticky. I have watched you grow and help others to grow. You are not the same person you were before. You may not be ready for any contact with your ex, but it may happen, so be prepared for what you know will be a very hard time for you, and for her. Your family needs your strength and you have to give it. Sometimes we have to do the things we do not want to do, because of others needing us to. So whatever comes up face it with the knowledge that the family depends on you, and you will survive this too. Hope I'm not scaring you, but we can't always pick the time and place to do what must be done. It may move you from your comfort zone, but I have faith you will be okay. You know we are here if you need us.

Have to spread it around, but this is great

[Skell]

Thank you all so much for your wonderful replies.

What a great family we have here> it si so wonderful and comforting.

I don't have much time now to respond and update as I have many things to do today for mum as it is the funeral. But I just wanted to log on and see what you have all said.

And I agree with you all.

My best friends wife is still friends with the ex and when she found out wehat had happened she called to offer her condolences. One of the things she said was that I think 'ex name' should know considering how close she was to my nan.

She also offered to let her know what had been happening.

I may also call but I just have to get today through first and then worry about nan as well.


She is having her surgery today, which is a big risk to her life, so fingers crossed.

Will talk to you all wonderful people again tomorrow!

Thank you again!

[Allheart]

Skell,

I am sure, or at least I hope the others don't mind, here's a {hug} from all of us. Our thoughts and prayers are with you. Nan will do well. Sending over huge good thoughts!!
Leave the thoughts of the ex to the side for now... you are doing so well. You are being strong for yourself, Nan and your Mom. So proud of you!! We will be here. Let us know how you are doing when you can.

One more (hug) that one is for Nan.

[BIM]

Skell,

I am sooo sorry for your loss and I agree with everyone else here. I feel that if it would be beneficial for your grandparent to see your ex then by all means do it.

My heart goes out to you in your time of grief-and as others have said you have family here also. :o

Be Blessed, BIM

[Skell]

Thank you all for your nice words. Tal, that post was awesome and I kept reading it over and over.

We had the funeral yesterday and it was nice. Well as nice as they can be.

The ex called just beforehand as she has heard what had happened through neutral friends. I hadn't asked her to be told yet but it was always going to happen. I didn't answer because I was too busy doing other things for my mum and family and really didn't have time for it.

She wrote a message later in the day concerned and wondering why I hadn't called her back or spoken to her about what had happened..

I left it a while until I had some spare time and gave her a quick call.

She was genuinely upset and sad that I hadn't let her know about my Pop. She was really close to my mum and wanted to be at the funeral and was very upset that I hadn't called her to let her know. I simply said that I didn't see a need for her to know. Don't know whether that was the right thing to say or not but I wasn't saying I was too scared to call her.

And she was also very worried about my Nan. She wanted to go see her. She said that she may see me because she wants to see Nan. She asked me if she was allowed to see her. I told her that she is a grown women and so is my Nan and that she doesn't have to ask my permission to see her. That if she genuinely wants to see her then she should and I encourage it. I told her the hospital Nan was in and she is free to go anytime.

I felt like some type of ogre when she asked me if she was allowed... weird.

Anyway, overall I was very strong and good throughout the call. We had a quick chat but nothing too long. She was so genuinely upset and hurt at what had been happening. As sick as it sounds I kind of wish she didn't care at all. Although that would have hurt it would help me in some ways... But she does and I have respect for her for that.

I have to admit though that I didn't enjoy talking to her and afterwards I felt a little down. I have been going so well and enjoying my life again with out her in it. But for that split second that I was talking to her like normal it was like she was in my life again, only to leave just as quickly.

It is probably the first backward step I have taken in a while and I suppose when my vulnerability was exposed it scared me.

But anyway, I just jump back on the wagon today and move forward again. Nan has had surgery and so far so good.

Thank you all for your heartfelt messages. It is appreciated more than you know!

[rol]

Hi Skell,
Glad to hear the surgery went fine,
I think u handled the ex situation very well also. It was nice she called and nice you could be strong..
Take care.

[Krs]

Skell, Im deeply sorry for your loss.
Keep strong.
And its so true in never rains it pours, my family went through. In June 2004 I lost my father and Jan 2005 I lost my nan and her brother :(

My thoughts are with you.

[Wildcat21]

Dude - you and have taslked a lot privately - I think you handled it right. If she was so concerned about the other people in your life - why hadn't she stayed in contact?

Maybe this is part of her growing up process as well. She seemed a little selfish over this. And why would she need your permission to go see a friend?

I mean - why should you call her? She has been so distant and indifferent towards you. SHE gave you the feeling of 'leave me alone'. So why would you ever need to call her? PLUS - I think she'd take, of course, as her thinking you were trying gto get her back - all women would.

You did right. She doesn't want you to contact her, so why would you now?

You had a spine in this - WHAT, does she come first? You lost someone in your life - last time I lost someoen close I didn't go rushing to the phone to call an EX girlfriend - I wanted to be with my close family and talk.