[Maria0504]

My 16 year old son always blame me that I separated from his abusive father.He blames me too for having his brother and sister,he hates me that I can't give him a bigger house. Like his father and grandparents(his father's parents) he also physically , verbally, economically and emotionally abuse me. I feel so betrayed because he jointly abuse me with his father and grandparents. I love my son, but , he avoided all my calls and will contact me only to get money, if he needs something that his father doesn't want to give him, So I need to "buy him and he always tell me to beg first before he would show up. Which I always did. Just like his father, he also treated me like trash and a household help, and disowning me in front of his friends because I'm poor, fat and ugly. I was a Senior Manager already for Top Audit Firms and multinational company but lost everything because of depression and constant abuses from them.And I don't have anybody to help me.

[neverme]

Let me first say that my heart goes out to you, this is a horrible situation to be in.


But... You teach others how to treat you.

You need to stop this cycle of abuse. It is not correct and you won't allow your son to continue this way. You are rewarding his bad behaviour by giving him your love and money.

Tell him that you love him, but you will not allow this.

YOU DESERVE BETTER.

Cut him off financially, no matter what. You need to assert yourself and your worth.

[Maria0504]

:o thank you very much Neverme... I know all those, but then , the problem lies in me, 'cause I miss my son and in order for me just to have a sec with him, I need to actually "buy " his time.. But this is so shameful and I feel utterly hurt and my esteem at its ebb:o

Let me first say that my heart goes out to you, this is a horrible situation to be in.


But.......You teach others how to treat you.

You need to stop this cycle of abuse. It is not correct and you won't allow your son to continue this way. You are rewarding his bad behaviour by giving him your love and money.

Tell him that you love him, but you will not allow this.

YOU DESERVE BETTER.

Cut him off financially, no matter what. You need to assert yourself and your worth.

[Maria0504]

:)Thanks Neverme... It's really wonderful to know that someone like you took time and cared enough to answer me in my dilema

Let me first say that my heart goes out to you, this is a horrible situation to be in.


But.......You teach others how to treat you.

You need to stop this cycle of abuse. It is not correct and you won't allow your son to continue this way. You are rewarding his bad behaviour by giving him your love and money.

Tell him that you love him, but you will not allow this.

YOU DESERVE BETTER.

Cut him off financially, no matter what. You need to assert yourself and your worth.

[Gemini54]

You say you 'miss' your son, but your contact with him perpetuates the cycle of abuse that you've created in your life. You don't need to buy time or spend time with an abuser - even if it is your son. Do you?

Given that the number of abusive people in your life I would suggest that you should seriously think about seeing a psychologist or counselor. They will assist you to think about why you attract such awful people into your life, and why the dynamic is such that they treat you this way.

If you can't afford this then do some research on the internet, there are heaps of sites that offer good advice on how to deal with abusive situations and people.

While you continue to be an open wallet for your son, he will never see you as anything else. You CAN respond differently, and if you respond with strength and respect for yourself, then slowly people will begin to treat you differently.

Stand up for yourself, get some professional help and don't be a doormat. You can't help how your son feels and behaves, but you can help yourself.

[Jake2008]

16 year old's don't understand squat.

They know what they want, and how to pressure you into getting it, but they only know what buttons to press, because you react to them.

It takes maturity in order to understand enough to look back and say, 'now I know how depression affected my mother' and 'I wish I wasn't such a jerk'.

But, what you are dealing with here, is as the others have said, you are allowing your son to dictate how you live your life. He throws you a few crumbs (his time), and you knock yourself out providing even more material things, so that in a few weeks/months, you'll get a few more minutes with him.

I presume you do not have custody?

Kids at that age only know what they want, and if they can get it by temper tantrums, lying, laying on guilt trips and generally wearing you out, they will do that. It isn't necessarily a precursor to him being an 'abuser' as an adult. Many teens outgrow this need to NEED all the time, material things become not so important when they have to provide them for themselves.

I would be turning the tables on him. Let him know, via email, what your schedule is going to be for the next month. Highlight the days he is welcome to visit.

Tell him honestly that you can no longer give into his demands, and he is getting old enough now to stop playing this 'blame mom' game in order to get what he wants.

Advise him that, while your personal history is none of his business, if he wishes to have an ADULT conversation with you about all that you have been through since his birth, you will set aside an afternoon to tell him. But only if he can commit to really listening with nothing in return except gaining insight.

If he wishes to follow the rules that you can provide to him, then welcome him with open arms. The minute he tries (and he will) to turn things around into a "you owe me" conversation, simply end the conversation and ask him to leave, you need to have a nap or have an appointment, or whatever.

He will grow weary of you being in control of you, instead of him being in control of you.

You have set a dangerous set of expectations for him, in allowing yourself to succumb to his behaviour. It should be the other way around.

Be and adult here, control your own actions and reasonable expectations, and expect him to do the same.

You are doing him no favours in allowing him to treat you this way.

[Maria0504]

Heap Thanks Jake2008,Gemini54 and NeverMe. All you said, somehow gave me realization. I was granted by the court the sole custody of my three children, ages 16, 12 and 9. But, since "COMPETITION" on buying power with Ex who has visitation rights, really is always a tug-o- war. This was used by my kids into threatening me that they will leave me at an instant that I cannot give in to their whims, for they surely has puppet "power" button over me whenever they see me panic that they will withdraw their love, attention, and worst will run away and go to their father. Since they have the power of choice now that almost left me with none. So the circle of abuses run to me 'cause I really did allow them to treat me that way. I'm in an Asian Country and going to psychologist/psychiatric help poses a social stigma of being nuts, but I believe I really need one. THANKS AGAIN...