[ladylove82]

I'm 27 years old and in the middle of a divorce and I got married when I was 19 but I was serious about settling down and I always wanted to have a family ever since I could remember. Now I am currently engaged to a 21 year old who loves me dearly and has the same passion for having a family that I did when I was 19. We are so much alike in that we've been hurt and we want love and companionship but I know that this is all new to him and that he doesn't know the first thing about being married but I do and I know the work it takes and how hard it can get but to make things harder, he's in the army and that adds a lot more stress but I know we love each other and every time we try to break up we fall right back into each other's arms. We are getting married in April and I'm movng to Texas with him. We also were pregnant and lostour baby at christmas and we been through so much together but our love is genuine. I wonder should I give him the benefit of the doubt that he could be a good husband and father and provide for me even though he's 21?

[Fr_Chuck]

If you even start comparing the actions of one person or past relationship with a new one, you have already harmed the new one.

[JBeaucaire]

I wonder should I give him the benefit of the doubt that he could be a good husband and father and provide for me even though he's 21?

You ask this question as if there is some magic gamble you're considering. How odd is that? This isn't magic, it's simple research. Have you done the research completely or not?

It usually requires at least 18 months for all the "gremlins" in a person's character to fully reveal themselves. If you've dated this young man long enough to know who he really is, if you've spent that much time to fully understand him, then you already know if he is a good match.

We're not talking about love, we're talking about compatibility, and the two, unfortunately, are often not-related.

We aren't talking about what WILL happen. No one knows how good a husband a single person will be in advance. Too much of that answer is related to how good a WIFE you are. The two are intertwined. A horrible wife can insure he's a horrible husband, or he'll be a great husband and the horrible wife will not even notice.

It's all very relative.

So, this is actually not about what you went through in your earlier relationship, nor is it only about him possibly being too young.

It's about the simple answer to the simple question: "Feelings aside (yes, we love each other, blah blah), feelings aside, have we spent enough time getting to know each other that I have see his bad side, am familiar with it, and will be perfectly happy living with that side of his personality if those characteristics never improve."

Divorces aren't about people who love each other's good side so much they eventually just have to leave each other. Divorces are about the inability to tolerate each others bad sides. Unfortunately, most of those characteristics are already known prior to marriage.

Do you know them?
Do you forgive them now?
Will you forgive then in the future?

[chocodrip]

My father was 21 when he married my ma who was 26, they'll be celebrating their 25th wedding anniversory this April. Love can overcome any obstacle thrown your way and after you both being through so much I'm sure you'll have a happy married life.

[Romefalls19]

I'm 23 going to marry a 26 year old, she has two kids from a previous marriage. Love will do one of two things, bring you together when you face an obstacle or tear you apart, how you handle it is up to you.

Stop comparing relationships though, it's not fair

[Devorameira]

I'm not as concerned about him as I am about you. You indicate that you're only "in the process" of a divorce and you're already engaged .. Seriously? Were you seeing him while you were actively married?

It takes time to heal from a broken relationship and I think you're making a huge mistake jumping right into another one. You’re really not ready for a relationship. You haven’t truly healed and gotten to feel okay about yourself again on your own. Marriage is tough enough on it's own without you carrying old baggage that you haven't unloaded yet into another relationship.

I'm afraid that you've grabbed him on the rebound because you don't want to be alone or haven't fully dealt with how things ended or even if things should have ended with the ex. It's not fair to you or your new guy if things aren't fully resolved with the last relationship.

Unfortunately, it is almost impossible to determine whether or not a man will be a good father. Watch him - Does he have a good relationship with his own parents?

[ironman35]

How can you determine if two people are compatible with each other?

[JBeaucaire]

If after dating for two years:

1) your list of "things my partner needs to change" is still short
2) your list of "ways my life is better because of my partner" is still long
3) thinking of your partner still brings a mischievous smile to your face
4) you brag about your partner
5) you have things you do regularly without your partner and they don't feel/act jealous of it
6) your partner regularly does things without you and you're happy for them to do it

... that's a good sign your long-term compatibility is high.

[ladylove82]

My father was 21 when he married my ma who was 26, they'll be celebrating their 25th wedding anniversory this april. Love can overcome any obstacle thrown your way and after you both being through so much I'm sure you'll have a happy married life.

I appreciate the encouragement. We aren't getting much of that here because it seems the world is against us and all I want to do is be the wonderful wife to him that I know I am and satisfy him. I know that I can and will because he gives me any and everything I want and need and no man has loved me the way he has.

[ladylove82]

I'm 23 going to marry a 26 year old, she has two kids from a previous marriage. Love will do one of two things, bring you together when you face an obstacle or tear you apart, how you handle it is up to you.

Stop comparing relationships though, it's not fair

Everybody says that I compare my new relationship to my old one but I can't help it because I see some (but not all) of the same traits from my old marriage. I don't think it's enough to reconsider marrying him because he's wonderful but I just hate seeing those old familiar things.

[ladylove82]

I'm not as concerned about him as I am about you. You indicate that you're only "in the process" of a divorce and you're already engaged .. Seriously? Were you seeing him while you were actively married?

It takes time to heal from a broken relationship and I think you're making a huge mistake jumping right into another one. You’re really not ready for a relationship. You haven’t truly healed and gotten to feel okay about yourself again on your own. Marriage is tough enough on it's own without you carrying old baggage that you haven't unloaded yet into another relationship.

I'm afraid that you've grabbed him on the rebound because you don't want to be alone or haven't fully dealt with how things ended or even if things should have ended with the ex. It's not fair to you or your new guy if things aren't fully resolved with the last relationship.

Unfortunately, it is almost impossible to determine whether or not a man will be a good father. Watch him - Does he have a good relationship with his own parents?

Actually I'm not rebounding. I was in other relationships before I met him and no I was not seeing someone else in my marriage. This man took me with all my brokeness in the very beginning and he held me and took care of me even when I tried to push him out of my life to be alone in the beginning. I really do love him and I know that I am a good woman who just wasn't appreciated. He means everything to me and people that see us together know that we're happy and even church members say that we belong together and they know the situation. Being with him has made me better and saved me from doing other things that could have potentially caused harm to myslef and others. I feel that he is my knight in shining armor and I know Im ready to love and feel love again. My divorce will be final next month and we are pursuing our life together.

[ladylove82]

how can you determine if two people are compatible with each other?

I think that compatibility and what makes people fit together in my opinion is endurance in the relationship. People can love each other when things are peachy and good but what do most do when things are bad? They walk out and I know because I was the one who was walked out on. Me and my fiancé have already seen the worst in each other and still we held it together and losing our baby really almost killed our relationship because of the pain and him having to go back to virginia but we comforted each other the best way we could and the last time he was home, we just held each other with no sex involved and we needed that bonding time. Some may not agree that endurance is a strong part of a relationship but how many relationships can last without it??

[Cat1864]

I'm 27 years old and in the middle of a divorce and I got married when I was 19 but I was serious about settling down and I always wanted to have a family ever since I could remember. Now I am currently engaged to a 21 year old who loves me dearly and has the same passion for having a family that I did when I was 19. We are so much alike in that we've been hurt and we want love and companionship but I know that this is all new to him and that he doesn't know the first thing about being married but I do and I know the work it takes and how hard it can get but to make things harder, he's in the army and that adds a lot more stress but I know we love each other and everytime we try to break up we fall right back into each other's arms. We are getting married in april and I'm movng to Texas with him. We also were pregnant and lostour baby at christmas and we been through so much together but our love is genuine. I wonder should I give him the benefit of the doubt that he could be a good husband and father and provide for me even though he's 21?

I appreciate the encouragement. We aren't getting much of that here because it seems the world is against us and all i want to do is be the wonderful wife to him that I know I am and satisfy him. I know that I can and will because he gives me any and everything I want and need and no man has loved me the way he has.

I, too, am concerned about your state of mind going into this relationship. Not only am I concerned that you haven't truly gotten over your marriage/finalized your divorce (when will it be final?), but you seem to be so desperate for a 'family' and for someone to 'provide' for you.

I think you need to slow down and think about why you want to be married so badly. Are you afraid of being alone? Are you afraid of losing him?

Please for both of your sakes, think about what is really motivating you to jump from one marriage into another.

[ladylove82]

In my earlier question, I was concerned about whether my 21 year old fiancé would be a good husband and father and questioned should I give him the benefit of the doubt. Well, I know that he is a good man and he already has a son and loves him dearly, so those things are behind me. My question now is that I've never lived in another staed besides NC and I'm scared to move to Texas with him but I know that I have to if I love him and will be married to him. What can get me past the fears of leaving my hometown and family to start my life anew?

[talaniman]

Its normal to fear the unknown, just realize that its an opportunity to rebuild yourself. If you are sure about this guy, and overcoming what ever life throws at you together, then just do it.

I will be honest though, it won't be easy, and love don't pay the rent. I am more worried about your need to be in a family, with all that has gone on, with your past, that you may be moving to fast, to regain what you lost.

It's a risk, but you will never know unless your willing to take that risk.

[amicon]

In your original post you mention'every time we try to break up'-why would you be doing that if everything is just fine?

I also see it as a red flag that you are still not divorced but already engaged and ready to jump into a new marriage without,it would seen,giving yourself time to heal from the breakup.

You are also leaving your hometown and your support system behind to be with a man who already has a child with someone else.
His responsibilities towards this child will last at least until he/she is eighteen.

I think you jumped in to quick.

I also think you need to heal from your broken marriage.

[emopunk7]

Why do you have to move to Texas? You say you love this man. Well then you are taking a risk. With that comes many other risks. Risks to move in together, will the marriage last long, and so much more. I say don't get married yet. What is the rush. Date for another year and see what happens. After all, you shouldn't be here asking and fearing so much if you were really ready. Give it time, hun. Give it some time to be sure.

[ladylove82]

I, too, am concerned about your state of mind going into this relationship. Not only am I concerned that you haven't truly gotten over your marriage/finalized your divorce (when will it be final?), but you seem to be so desperate for a 'family' and for someone to 'provide' for you.

I think you need to slow down and think about why you want to be married so badly. Are you afraid of being alone? Are you afraid of losing him?

Please for both of your sakes, think about what is really motivating you to jump from one marriage into another.

It is my choice to not be alone and I don't know anybody who wants to be alone or live without love in their lives. I don't want to live without love in my life and I am the kind of woman who prefers to be with a man. My healing takes place every time I'm in his arms and it's been over a year since I've been with my ex; the divorce will be final next month. I know that I'm ready. You don't quit riding a bike just because you fall off and get hurt.

[Cat1864]

It is my choice to not be alone and I don't know anybody who wants to be alone or live without love in their lives. I don't want to live without love in my life and I am the kind of woman who prefers to be with a man. My healing takes plade everytime I'm in his arms and it's been over a year since I've been with my ex; the divorce will be final next month. I know that I'm ready. You don't quit riding a bike just because you fall off and get hurt.

You do allow the broken leg or arm to heal before you get back on the bike.

How long have you been with your boyfriend?

As long as you make a relationship and another person responsible for your happiness and well-being, you won't find what you truly need to be emotionally stable and healthy-love of yourself and happiness in who you are.

I hope you have a long and happy marriage.

[talaniman]

If you don't know how to ride that bike, getting another one is not going to help you much. A year is pretty fast to jump into a relationship, especially given his age and experience.

Obviously your mind is made up.