[Rivka]

My husband is having a baby with a surrogate and wants me to raise it. I am looking for coping suggestions.

[NeedKarma]

Is this not part of your family plan?

[Rivka]

No -- he arranged this on his own. I was kept out of the loop. Also, I am mid-50's

[NeedKarma]

Then it's cheating and maybe bigamy not surrogate parenting. Time to get a lawyer.

[redhed35]

What about the child's mother?

Have the legalities of the situation been looked into?

Is the child the result of an affair?

How about you,what do you want?

[Rivka]

Thank you -- it feels that way to me, also. He, however, is jubilant and cannot understand why I am not on board with this.

[redhed35]

Thank you -- it feels that way to me, also. He, however, is jubilant and cannot understand why I am not on board with this.

It would seem there is a serious lack of communication going on here.

If the legal route is on your mind,you and your husband need to have a very serious talk.

[Rivka]

Child's mom is being paid. No affair -- Artificial

[redhed35]

Child's mom is being paid. No affair -- Artificial

I under stand if you do not wish to go into details,but I am wondering if you knew about this,and if there was a discussion about what would happen when the child arrived.

[NeedKarma]

Child's mom is being paid. No affair -- Artificial

It certainly is not yours to raise. Do you guys even talk to each other?

[Rivka]

He so longed for a child and knew it was not going to happen with me, that he did it. Figured I'd come on board.

[NeedKarma]

Poor child. :( It's not your fault.

[Rivka]

Yes, we talk -- I just do not want to be a mom at this point in my life. Just retired Sept 2009 after 30 years teaching

[NeedKarma]

Yes, we talk --

But he went out and organized, outside the marriage, to bring a child into this world without your consent? That'd be a deal breaker for me.

[redhed35]

That's quite an assumpion to make,and beyond any marriage obligation.

The child is his responsibility,that sounds harsh,however if you are not willing to raise the child,and I don't think many would blame you for not wanting too,your husband needs to take off his pollyanna hat and start making plans.

Its quite a situation to be born into.

[Rivka]

Yes, I am quite aware of how horrible it sounds. Really don't want to divorce, but cannot see how I can be a parent in this situation.

[Rivka]

Outside of this (which I know is HUGE) we have had a really happy marriage. Makes it all the tougher to walk away.

[redhed35]

Yes, I am quite aware of how horrible it sounds. Really don't want to divorce, but cannot see how I can be a parent in this situation.

Your in a terrible situation.

Perhaps you need to seek legal advice and explore other options.

If you don't want to divorce your husband to need to step up and state your case.

[Rivka]

I have told him I am not on board, however, there is a child on the way. Nothing will change that now.

[redhed35]

I have told him I am not on board, however, there is a child on the way. Nothing will change that now.

Your right,the child will be born and your husband will want his much wanted child.

But where does that leave you?

If you divorce,your husband will be a single parent,do you think he will cope on his own?

You will be on your own,without the husband you love or the marriage you have build together.

The baby will be motherless.

No one is going to win here,and its not your doing.

If you don't want to walk away,then a compromise needs to be reached,only if you both agree,your husband may choose his child.