[scoober74]

My husband and I have been together for 10 years now. We dated/lived together for 3 years and this upcoming May we will be married for 7yrs. This February will mark 2 years since my husband cheated on me with a mutual friend. She was a coworker of his, still is but is based in a different office. I knew nothing and suspected nothing because I trusted him, and her. Before everything came out into the open, he informed me he wanted a separation because he felt I didn't love him anymore, didn't do things the right way, didn't pay attention enough, etc etc etc. Basically, it was all my fault and I accepted that. I began to move out and he informed me he wanted to make things work on the first night I left. I came back and things were great for a week, then he told me about the affair, how it had been going on for a couple months, that he had slept with her in our home, our bed, and that he was telling me because she was threatening him with telling me herself. Long story short, we decided to make things work. I have put so much effort into trusting him again. I don't question (without reason) where he is going or anything like that. Now, he is saying he doesn't trust me. I have never cheated and have no desire to cheat on him. I have always been open with him and told him if someone hit on me, etc. I don't hide things from him, yet he is telling me he doesn't trust me to go out of state to see my family. I am at wits end and don't know what to do. I haven't seen my parents in just over a year now. I miss my family and being within driving distance, it is especially hard to not be able to see them. Prime example is this evening. My best friend's dad died and when I told my husband I wanted to go back home to help her through this time for the weekend, I got the cold shoulder. After pushing him to tell me what was wrong, he told me he didn't trust me. Then I told him I wouldn't go and would spend the weekend with him and I got told that just makes me look even more guilty. I'm darned if I do, darned if I don't. If I stay home, I'll be miserable because I know I should be there for her, yet if I do go, every time I check in with my husband he'll make me feel bad about being there, thus I'll be miserable there too. I don't know what to do anymore. I love him, I truly do, I can not imaging life without him, but I don't know how much more of this I can take. Any advice out there?

[Fr_Chuck]

He is trying to make you suffer for what he did, blame you somehow for it.

You need to have and live your own life, and share it with him.
So why do you not see your family, that is just stupid.

He is being controlling and at this point, my guess having another affair ( just since he is controlling, so you can't find out)

Time for either counseling or a temp separation to work on things

[Jake2008]

What he's saying is he doesn't trust himself. And by pointing the finger at you, he is really mirroring what he sees in himself.

Go to your friend, enjoy seeing your parents, and don't give his accusations another thought.

There is no truth in it, let it go.

I would however, consider marriage counselling to address the real reasons he paints you with all his insecurities.

[Gemini54]

His fear and guilt is consuming him, and rather than take responsibility for it, he's projecting it on to you.

Don't take it on. He's a big boy now and should be responsible for his actions.

Go where you need to go and do what you need to do. If he sulks, tell him to get over it. It's time he grew up.

[Catsmine]

It's time he grew up.

This needed repeating.

[mydogquestion]

Once a cheater ,chances are greater to repeat behavior. ( I know this form living it) . His efforts to control you keeps you on edge. This is not heathly. Consuling together or seperatly would be a good idea.

[HistorianChick]

Basically, it was all my fault and I accepted that.

No, his choice to have an affair was not your fault. People do what they want to do. No one makes other people do something they don't want to do. You are not at fault for his affair. If there were problems in the marriage, he should have come to you and talked them out, not jumped into bed with another woman.

Now, he is saying he doesn't trust me.

He has no right to not trust you. You gave him the benefit of the doubt, stayed to heal your marriage, and still he doesn't trust you? Honestly, this man is not trustworthy.

Trust is earned, not given. When someone breaks your trust, you can forgive, yes, but there is a period in which that person should try to rekindle the trust that you once had. He is taking advantage of your trust.

Then I told him I wouldn't go and would spend the weekend with him and I got told that just makes me look even more guilty.

He's a jerk. I'm sorry, but he's a jerk.

When someone loses a father (I know, I lost mine), they need their friends and family. It is not an option. You need to be there for her.

He is using you to satisfy his own guilt.

I love him, I truly do, I can not imaging life without him, but I don't know how much more of this I can take.

I seriously suggest marriage counseling. Separate and together. He has issues that need to be dealt with - issues that a counselor will be able to address.

Honestly? I wouldn't put up with that behavior.