[azforme]

When I married my husband I had 60,000.00 in cash and he was broke. He had filed a BK previously, and was in bad shape and just divorced. I knew him when we were kids and I guess I thought we were the same people as back then. I helped him out with his bills and at first he objected, but took the money. I felt that he was making a good living, more than I make, so it would all pan out in the end. He wanted to live pretty high for what I was use to, but with both our incomes I felt we would be okay. We bought a nice home and I started to work on it. Within a short year was tired of the long drive that he at first told me was not problem. He started a new job close to home and within 6 months he lost his job, never found out exactly why, but I know the boss wanted his best friend to be hired but they hired hubby instead. So, he needed to find a new job but he did not want to travel that far anymore so he kept taking local low paying jobs. I kept telling him that we would have to cut out the golf and country club costs if he was not going to make any more. He would get upset and ask me what is the use of living there if you can't use it. Anyhow, he found a new job cross country and suddenly we were off to a new state and a new job. We got settled in again in a home he found on a golf course. I found a job pretty quick, but the wages were a bit low. I started my job in the summer and in Dec. I found out they were closing my division and I would be laid off. I stayed until they closed, and they liked me so well t hey found me a job. The day before I was to be laid off hubby lost his job again. He is in the car business and does F&I and sales manager work so he says t hey have a lot of turn over. He looked and looked and could not find a good paying job in our new state, and we hung on with my new job, and our savings, and he finally took a sales job where I worked. The boss was not happy with him and said he was not a good sales person. Hubby was depressed, and we made another move to a larger town so he could find a better job. After moving there I found a job pretty fast again, again the wages were lower. He found a sales job after sales job with none of them paying much in selling cars. Finally he found a pretty good one and was doing good and suddenly they promoted a guy that I guess did not like him, and he was not happy. He moved on to another job as manager and was let go there over a dispute within about 3 months. Then he started a new job with darn good pay! By that time I was making good money, so we were saving up again. After getting a lot into savings, we both agreed we did not like that state at all, GA. We did not live in the best area, and we had a close call at 2AM and I was knifed in my front yard on my arm. I wanted to move back by family, I felt it would be safer and we could help our aging parents since his mom is 91 and lives alone. He refused to move there and wanted to move to MO instead. That was about 2 years ago, and he can not find a good paying job and has been laid off from car sales jobs over and over again. He tried insurance sales for a whole year drawing unemployment and never made it at that. I am bringing in twice as much as he does, which is still not enough to support us, and we are losing our home. Now that we know we are losing it and our credit is ruined he hates it here, so do I. I want to again move to his moms and help her out while we get back on our feet. He wants to move to southern aZ where we know no one and find jobs and we are older not young kids. I keep trying to tell him we don't have the money, and it is true our cars are paid for and how could it be worse than here... but I feel we should not go there. We should go where it is safer, to his moms and start over. He says I blame him for everything and maybe I do. I went from never bouncing a check and having money in the bank to being like what he was when we first got together, BROKE. Times are tough, so jobs are hard to come by and I get that. But I feel like he was not a success before the downturn as this has been going on since 2001. So, how can I trust him to find a job and support us in a new area again? We do argue a lot right now. Part of that is about the fact I work all week and he is looking for a job on the computer and playing music at home. He does cook dinner but he does not clean house much, he does the laundry though. But the floors and bathrooms never get touched typical man except he is the one with all the time, right? I feel like he let me down, and we spent the cash moving for a job that never really happened. I try to talk to him but he tells me I do not know the car business so I can't convince him to maybe change his selling techniques to match the more successful people. When he worked were I worked and was selling I would see him sitting in the corner looking bored and sullen. When he got up to see a customer he limped across the lot. He is getting older, and his wrist hurt but he plays the guitar and piano, his hips hurt, his knees give out, his arms hurt... I am sure they do, but I am also afraid he is a bit of a baby about it all. So, am I being just mean? What should I do? Right now it is like living with a friend that you support basically but he has no problem spending on himself. The last fight we had was over a soda that I bought. I got one at the store in a bottle and he told me the fountain ones were cheaper and I should do that. He use to get mad when I bought bottled water because I was paying for water. Later he bought a soft drink when we had lunch, and I had water and his was twice as much as my bottle was. I told him about it and he got mad. He is never violent or mean in that way and I am not afraid of him at all. But he just gets all huffy and does not fight fair. I have tried to not fight that way, but it is the only way he will fight. Then he will suddenly say he is done and not talking about it anymore. I think we are totally falling apart and I told him so. I said I can not work all the time, and come home to work more, do the taxes, help you with the lawn, be responsible to try to pay the bills it is not fair. He will then try to do more, but I never feel like he gets it, that he needs to find a job, not be playing his guitar. When he was selling insurance he left after I did, and was home when I got back. He told me the other people do that too, he did not need to work longer hours but he never sold much either. Okay. Tell me am I just a B??

[Jake2008]

It sounds like he is stuck in unsuitable jobs. He's not got a great track record for sales for whatever reason, and going through so many jobs and moves I'd be fed up too.

Why doesn't he change occupations and get into some skills upgrading or training. I realize the economy is bad for finding well paying jobs, but has he considered another career?

I think he's being a bit unrealistic not to want to move home where his mother is, and get things together better. I've moved many times myself, and by not establishing roots anywhere, you don't make friends, or have much of a social life.

It's hard to keep up with supporting him, and being encouraging, and nothing seems to ever change. When it starts to get to the picky things causing arguments, such as the soda vs. water, there is a lot of resentment building, and this is dangerous.

What do you think holds him back. Is it his personality (getting fired so often), or is he particularly stubborn, or has a bad attitude? It is curious that he keeps repeating the same mistakes over and over again, with the same consequences.

I would sit him down and have a heart to heart with him. No arguing, just talking and listening. Ask him how he intends to change this situation for the better, and what you can do to help him. Expect that he will have some insight and understanding into why things never seem to work out.

His reluctance to work now could be he's fed up with no success, or he is reverting to the days when you were the financial rock that got him out of trouble, and for the most part, kept him out of trouble.

Some groundrules have to be set in my opinion, to address how unevenly split the workload is at home. Ask him if he would agree to a plan of who does what, and write it out.

Maybe too, you are just married to a man who has always done things the same way and is unable or unwilling to do the work to change.

If it eventually comes to this being your future, with no change, and carrying all the load, then I would consider counselling if you can afford to, or maybe taking a break yourself by going back home for some support yourself to really think things through.

You have a lot on your plate, just take things one step at a time. Start by talking it through when you aren't tired, and he is willing, and see what he says.

Please post again with how it's going.

[cozyk]

No, you are not a B. You are being used by this jerk and you don't have to be. Divorce his lazy butt and make him reap the results of his actions all by himself. You have proven you can support yourself, you don't need him, he needs you! The days of him calling the shots should be numbered. A very small number. Hope you learn some lessons from this. If he has had to file BR , there was a red flag that should have been examined. And don't ever let your money, good credit, or good name get entwined with a person that has proven over and over to be a loser and a self proclaimed victim. Leave the looser.

[Fr_Chuck]

First, you and husband set up a budget that you can live on, if you only have X dollars, then don't spend a penny over X,

There is never an excuse for a bounced check, you don't write a check if there is not money

As for as selling insurance, most agents will be out early meeting people for coffee and working late seeing people in their home. I often worked 14 plus hours a day, but then I was making 100,000 K a year or more.

[azforme]

Thanks everyone. He was an only child of divorced parents and his mother supported him and did spoil him too I am afraid. Right now I am about ready to leave, but it would leave him with no income but unemployment. At age 59 I worry that he will be in the streets, and I am not heartless. Plus I provide his insurance and in a divorce I am pretty sure he would come after me to support him or at least provide his insurance. I have tried talking to him, but he is not very good at talking, and he does get me angry and then it ends up in a free for all. I think I have made a horrible choice here, but I do not like to hurt people when they are the most defenseless. He is out the door at 8 and back by 3:30 and says you can only knock on so many doors. His skills are limited.