[Depressed in MO]

Hello all. I've been on and off here in regards to this particular relationship for the past 4-5 years and I'm in desperate need of help. I need to let someone go who I have been in a relationship with for the past 10 years on and off (8 years on-2 years off). I promise I will try my best to keep this shortened, but there's just so much.

I don't want to make the guy look bad and what I'm about to say isn't just to justify myself-it is 100% the truth. I want to start to say that I do love this person very much. About 3 months after we met, I started to question his "career" because what he told me about his job didn't add up and I was falling for him so I wanted to get to know the real him. Turned out to be a drug dealer. I should have let him go then but I didn't because I was convinced that I was in love with him and that I could "fix" him-and I was determined. This went on for years and years. We have two children together-a boy and a girl. I have sacrificed so much for him throughout all these years-he's been to prison twice and just recently went back.

Not only was he a drug dealer-he was a user as well-so yes, there were some really bad times-he would be violent at times and yet-through all of that it wasn't the bruises that hurt so much it was my broken heart. I was a very good woman to him-I treated him well, I took good care of him and of our children and even he would always admit that. He cheated on me the entire time we were together (except when he was in prison of course)-I've caught him multiple times. He even had a child with another female that he had cheated on me with.

He left me once-I left him twice. But we would always end up back together. I wanted our relationship to work so badly because we had those babies and yes-I loved him. But I realize now that had I loved myself a little more-I wouldn't be in this situation. We got back together a few months ago after a year of not being together. It was right before he went back to prison. A week before he went in, he ended up hitting me again. I didn't speak to him or try to see him during that time. He called me from the prison he was in and we started talking from there. Now everything seems great and he has vowed to me that he has changed and he is sorry and he realizes how much of a good woman I am to him and he loves me and pretty much everything a woman like me would want to hear.

I know he is lonely and scared because of where he is at. Every other time he has ever gone-I took care of him. I paid lawyers, I sent money, paid his bills-everyting. And it seems pretty much like the same thing now. He may be telling me the truth-maybe he has changed and really is ready to settle down, but I feel like the damage is done and I can't whole-heartedly trust him-no matter what. I fear I'm making a mistake by letting him go-but I'm unhappy and have a feeling that he is going to do to me again what he has always done. I want to let him go. Of course I want to be supportive of him and not leave him all alone in prison-plus we have the two little ones together-but how can I let him go? It's not going to be easy-but I don't want to keep leading him on-making promises to him that I don't really feel inside. I feel like I'm lying to him. Yes, I love him. Do I want to be his woman-no, not anymore. There is no one else and I'm not cheating on him in any way. I just can't take care of him anymore. I am positive that I am truly ready to let him go this time. Please give me advice on how I can communicate this to him. I appreciate your time and look forward to hearing anything you can suggest. Thank you.

[HistorianChick]

There's this funny, strange thing about love... it is possible to love the person that you're not supposed to be with. Love them so much it hurts - it hurts yourself and those around you.

This is one of those cases. You know that you need to let this guy go. Yes, he is the father of your children, yes, he loves you with his entire being, yes, you love him, but that doesn't mean that you should be together.

I would be honest with him. Tell him just what you said in your post, that you love him, but you cannot be with him for your own mental health.

You're in an impossible situation; caught between love and reality. I support your decision whole-heartedly to leave him.

Until he can prove himself a benefit to society and a reformed man, he shouldn't be part of your life. (And by "until he proves himself" I mean years of commitment to bettering himself, hundreds of examples of no-slip-up lifestyle, a steady real job, etc.)

You are about to start on a hard, difficult road, but we're here to support you.

[amicon]

For the sake of your children and yourself-leave. This guy will not change.
Neither you nor your love for him can change him.
Look at who he is and what he does,has done and where he is now-not a great role model for his kids,would you say?
Be strong,walk away and stay strong.

[Depressed in MO]

Well he says that he wants to go to college and that he wants a good steady job and these are his ambitions because he is tired of going to prison-and I've also heard all of these things before. It seems like he loves me the most when he is in prison. What if he really does change? Would I have been wrong to have left him then? He isn't a monster in my eyes, but he did a lot of horrible things to me (outweighing the good) that I could never trust him fully. What kind of a relationship is that? I need to know what to say to him, I don't even know how to say it. Lately, I've been kind of offstandish when he calls and he's been asking me all these questions like "do you still love me?" or are you sure you still want me? He tells me he knows how badly he treated me and he realizes what a good woman I have been and that he is so sorry and feels so blessed that I have continued to stay on this path with him. But I don't feel like continuing this path with him. I don't know how to tell him because he will cry and call me over and over. And I will understand his pain, because I'd do the same thing-I'm just not prepared to go through it. But then again, who is ever prepared to go through something like that. Thanks for your answers-I appreciate it.

[HistorianChick]

You're his angel... of course he is scared that you'll wake up and realize that he is hurting you more than his love is helping you. I've dealt with (a very small scale of what you're dealing with - the "angel" to the man's devil, if you will) a man that loved me as his angel - even called me that! - but when it came to a point of my safety and the safety of those I loved, it was no choice. I had to choose the safety of breaking a relationship because it had the potential of harm for my well being and that of my family.

You're in a rough spot. But, you are not responsible for his mistakes or his turn around. He needs to come to the point where he is getting better because HE wants to, not to be the man you need him to be.

This is something he has to do alone - you cannot and should not be the only thing driving this man to doing right.

I support breaking this relationship. Not because I'm a mean person and want you to leave the man that loves you, but because you deserve a relationship where you trust the man that you love.

No trust = no relationship.

[Depressed in MO]

You're his angel... of course he is scared that you'll wake up and realize that he is hurting you more than his love is helping you. I've dealt with (a very small scale of what you're dealing with - the "angel" to the man's devil, if you will) a man that loved me as his angel - even called me that! - but when it came to a point of my safety and the safety of those I loved, it was no choice. I had to choose the safety of breaking a relationship because it had the potential of harm for my well being and that of my family.

You're in a rough spot. But, you are not responsible for his mistakes or his turn around. He needs to come to the point where he is getting better because HE wants to, not to be the man you need him to be.

This is something he has to do alone - you cannot and should not be the only thing driving this man to doing right.

I support breaking this relationship. Not because I'm a mean person and want you to leave the man that loves you, but because you deserve a relationship where you trust the man that you love.

No trust = no relationship.

Yes maam-I agree with you. It's just I'm at a loss on what to say because I'm afraid he is going to manipulate me back into staying with him-that's why I am asking for suggestions on how to say this to him without crushing him, but I guess I pretty much know that there is no easier way to tell him. I'm just a loss of words...

[HistorianChick]

This is what I'd say:

"____, I need to be completely honest with you. I've been wrestling with this for so long, I think that I've just started to believe that it will never end, that I'll never be able to actually say what I need to say, and that it will disappear if I just ignore it long enough.

I need to let you go. A huge part of me thinks that I'm making the wrong choice, that I should believe that it will be different, that I can handle it once more... but my heart and my head are telling me different things. My head is telling me that it is time to stop this hurting myself, stop the trying, stop the pain. My heart is telling me to hold on... but I can't anymore.

I need to let you go because I need to be able to trust the person that I love, the person that I want to raise my kids, and love me as me. I need to let you go because I can't fight anymore. I can't do it.

I know that this is going to hurt both of us... and I know that you're going to try and convince me to try again, but I can't. I simply can't do it anymore.

I'm sorry. I wish you the best, and really, sincerely hope that you will conquer your addictions and become the man that I know you can be.

Goodbye."

*click*

It's harsh, but it needs to be done. He needs to know that you mean what you're saying. YOU need to say all of that - and more - for your own sanity.

For your own safety. For your future. For your kids.

[amicon]

A straightforward I have had enough and it's over is the way I would do it. Then apply strict no contact.
Sort out child support etc and don't accept his phonecalls and return his letters.

[Depressed in MO]

A straightforward I have had enough and it's over is the way I would do it. Then apply strict no contact.
Sort out child support etc and dont accept his phonecalls and return his letters.

I understand your opinion on this, but that's kind of too harsh for me to not accept his phone calls and stay no contact. He needs to see his kids and they want to see him. That will have to be through me. I don't want to hurt the guy while he is already down. Breaking up is going to be hard enough on him. Or at least he will lead on that way...

[J_9]

Mo, honey, knowing your history (not all members here do), you are lucky to be alive! You are lucky he did not kill you in front of your children.

Yup, another harsh post... but last time we did this to you, you figured it out all on your own.

Is this the man that you want as a role model for your children? Do you want your children to end up in the slammer because they don't know any different and that this is the norm for them?

I can't remember the genders of your kids, but do you want your boy growing up to think it's okay to rape and beat his girlfriend? Do you want your daughter to grow up getting beaten.

In a relationship like this, it's no longer about you and what you want... It's now about the mental and physical health and well being of your children.

In all actuality, you are lucky to still have them in your custody.

Cut all ties with him completely. Get into abuse counseling, get yourself and your children healthy. They will most likely need counseling as well.

He needs to see his kids and they want to see him. That will have to be through me. I don't want to hurt the guy while he is already down. Breaking up is going to be hard enough on him. Or at least he will lead on that way...

No, he does NOT need to see these kids... he's already damaged them enough by beating their mother.

It won't have to be through you, it can be arranged that someone take them and bring them back.

Breaking up is going to be hard on him? Why do you care? He didn't care when he was beating the living hel1 out of you.

Can't you see how he has manipulated you? Brainwashed you?

Well he says that he wants to go to college and that he wants a good steady job and these are his ambitions because he is tired of going to prison-and I've also heard all of these things before.

They ALL say that! Most of them want to be lawyers.

It seems like he loves me the most when he is in prison.

Because he feels sorry for himself, and he's using your emotions. You are his puppet and he knows he can control you.

He isn't a monster in my eyes, but he did a lot of horrible things to me (outweighing the good) that I could never trust him fully. What kind of a relationship is that?

He is a monster honey, one of the worst kinds there are. Besides beating you, how many other lives has he ruined by selling his drugs? How many other women got beaten by their men when they were high on the drugs that he sold? How many children did he hurt by selling them drugs?

It's not a relationship... it's a horrible way to live. You deserve better.

he tells me he knows how badly he treated me and he realizes what a good woman I have been and that he is so sorry and feels so blessed that I have continued to stay on this path with him.

Guess what. They all say this. It's all part of the manipulation. I bet I could write a script and you would just freak out reading how close it is to your relationship.

I don't know how to tell him because he will cry and call me over and over.

Again, it's the manipulation. What he is doing to you right now is called the Reconciliation Phase of abuse. Then comes the honeymoon stage. Here is something you NEED to read. Please do so with an open mind and come back and tell us whether this is your relationship.

The goal of an abuser is control. They want you to behave only in the ways in which they want you to behave. They achieve this control with abuse.

The cycle of abuse is a huge part of your answer to How did this happen to me? For years, you have very likely been feeling that you have been going around in circles... not getting anywhere. Your feelings are correct.

You have likely kept on trying and trying your best to resolve issues and doing everything in your power to try to stop your partner's abusive behavior... and nothing has worked.

Nothing has worked because your partner doesn't want to stop controlling you
And abuse is his method of doing it.

Look what has happened to you! Your "failure" to stop the abuse and "failure" to resolve issues, has very likely set up feelings of helplessness within you because you can't seem to make anything better no matter how hard you try. As you keep trying, and failing, these feelings of helplessness grow. Your self-esteem is driven down and your sense of self-worth is shattered. You lose confidence in yourself and your abilities.

The abuse and your failed efforts to stop it, erode your self-confidence, devastate your self-esteem and destroy your sense of self-worth. You become fearful, insecure and dependent. Everything in your life eventually revolves around your abuser, their moods and their needs. You become a non-person, and as such, you are reduced to existing as your abuser's "possession."

You can't change your partner no matter how hard you try. You can't love him enough to make him stop abusing you. Only he can change himself or make the decision to stop being abusive.

The Cycle of Abuse keeps you fearful and off balance both emotionally and psychologically. Look at the diagram of the cycle shown below... you will most certainly recognize this vicious and devastating wheel spinning within your abusive relationship.

This is all found here --->The Cycle of Abuse

Can you relate to any of the following?

Isolation from others, withdrawal from family and friends, avoid the public

Spending more and more time at work, not wanting to come home

Low self-esteem, feelings of worthlessness

Depression, thoughts of suicide

Emotional problems, shame, emotional highs and lows, emotional numbness

Illness - physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually

Increased alcohol or drug use, addictions

Withdrawal from real life into an alternative reality - perhaps the Internet

[Depressed in MO]

J-9 Wow. I was waiting to hear from you. And all I have to say about your post is thank you. I know all of this and am totally ashamed of myself for letting it get this far again. I want to leave him, I'm not afraid of him now-he has just manipulated me into thinking that he needs me and I'm all he's got while he is in there and I feel bad for leaving him. Kind of like I'm his mother. I'm going to take care of this and I hope that I can come back from time to time when I am in need of support. It's not only him I will have to put up with-it's his family too. But that doesn't matter. I just want to be happy with my babies. By the way-two girls and a boy :)

Thanks again for the eye opener to you and to everyone-I appreciate it.

[amicon]

Stay strong and look after yourself and your kids.
All the best of luck.

[J_9]

J-9 Wow. I was waiting to hear from you. And all I have to say about your post is thank you. I know all of this and am totally ashamed of myself for letting it get this far again. I want to leave him, I'm not afraid of him now-he has just manipulated me into thinking that he needs me and I'm all he's got while he is in there and I feel bad for leaving him. Kind of like I'm his mother. I'm going to take care of this and I hope that I can come back from time to time when I am in need of support. It's not only him I will have to put up with-it's his family too. But that doesn't matter. I just want to be happy with my babies. By the way-two girls and a boy :)

thanks again for the eye opener to you and to everyone-I appreciate it.

Mo darlin' don't be ashamed. He did this to you, you didn't do it to yourself.

I've been here for you when you first came on... I'm going to be here with you to the end.

I'm sorry I sound harsh, I really am. I don't want to hurt you, but you need to see the reality of what is going on and that's going to be hard for you, and it's not your fault. You didn't do anything wrong sweetheart. Believe that.

I remember one time a couple years back I wanted to come up there and rescue you. You are only a couple of hours away from me. But I knew you had to do this on your own.

I've been in an abusive relationship, so I understand the emotional rollercoaster you are on. Breaking the cycle is hard, and sometimes feels impossible. But, it CAN be done. It just takes you looking deep inside yourself and pulling all the strength together that you can muster.

It will take counseling or a support group. Again, don't feel ashamed.

Since my last post to you I have been reading a website that I think would benefit you greatly. I'm sure you will see yourself in it, as well as the cycle you are living. It has great advice as to how to break this cycle.

I suggest you read the entire site... there is a very small "next page" at the bottom right hand side of each page.

Help, Support and Resources for Battered and Emotionally Abused Women

I hope it helps hun. And I'm so glad you came back here for support. We are here for you, and you can do this. Don't stay away so long, and each time you are feeling weak or manipulated, you know you can count on us.

[Jake2008]

Love is not enough, and never will be enough to protect yourself, and your children from the violence and abuse.

I encourage you to seek counselling with a professional who understands the position you are in, and who can help you make the right decisions.

Because it has been such an up and down violent relationship, you need to prepare yourself for the aftermath typical of violent offenders who are eventually let out. I don't think you see the danger you will face.

There are so many routes you can take to re-establish yourself esteem and boost your confidence. The life you learn to forge for yourself and your children, will depend entirely on how you change yourself.

It is easy to say just tell him. But, that is only the beginning. This relationship wasn't just a flash in the pan, it lasted 10 years, and will continue as you have children with him.

Please seek assistance and try to attend counselling and groups with other women who have experienced what you are going through now.

[Depressed in MO]

Thank you all for your support. I apologize it's been so long since I've gotten back. I don't have a computer at home so I can only access this website on my lunchbreak at work. I tried to break up with him this weekend-didnt go too well. Not only did he cry-but he begged and pleaded. He got his mother involved-and it just made me feel horrible. So I still need to do this, I still need some hope. I know I can do it, but the crying is killing me. I feel safe for now because he is locked up. But I just feel horrible because I'm not being fair to anyone in this situation-which makes it all even worse. The kids love their dad-but they are little (8 and 5). I have an 11 year old-who is not biologically his-She hates him! She always tells me she will not come with me if I move back in with him. I HAVE to leave him, I have to. I will... just bare with me please. And thank you again.

[HistorianChick]

Doing the right thing hurts sometimes. You know it's the right thing to do.

Why do you have to call him? Why do you have to deal with the crying? You said your piece, you broke up. End it. Don't call him again.

Be strong.

[amicon]

Find the strength-listen to your daughter.
Crocodile tears and getting his mum involved-the word pathetic comes to mind-him,not you.

You owe it to your children and yourself to make the best possible future for you and leave him to sort himself out without your falling into the trap of allowing him and his kit and kin to continue their attempts at brainwashing you.
You know you can do it.

[Jake2008]

It is a very, very hard and emotional time for you. You are experiencing the reactions of not only him, but his mother as well. It is hard to anticipate how he may have responded, but you should have expected this. After all, you have wavered for many years.

I don't know how your conversation ended, but, you need to make this very clear to both him, and his mother, by more than a phone call.

It is important that you get yourself to a lawyer and file for custody. Establish some boundaries; that being the first, and most important. Then, get to a women's shelter and ask for help in dealing with this. They will counsel you in how to protect yourself, and prepare you for possibilities down the road. You need assurance, and good information to regain your independence, and not live in the 'what ifs' shadow of this man.

You do not have the luxury of retrospect now. You have three children who are your priority, and it is your job to provide a safe environment for them, and you, independent of this man. I realize 10 years is a long time, but you are finally heading in the direction of getting off this viscious cycle of abuse. Do not let him control you, and he will try, even behind bars. If he continues to badger you, speak to the police about an order of protection preventing him from phoning, writing, emailing, having his friends, or his mother show up at your door, etc. Be an ACTIVE part of your plan to be free.

You can do this, but you must stay strong, and your resolve must be steady and in control. He knows the right buttons to press, and will press all of them to get you back under control. Don't let him.

I would personally get an unlisted number. Any mail from him, take to the post office and tell them you will not accept this mail. Then the mail is returned to sender, in this case, via the post office, and the prison will be charged return postage. They will put a stop to the mail. Block his email address. Clear instructions are provided with any ISP.

Keep detailed notes as to what you have done to not allow him to contact you directly. Police will be much more inclined to help you, if you have done the above. Do not send mail to him, even on behalf of your children. Do not accept mail from him, from his mother either. As you eliminate his routes to contacting you, he will likely call your place of employment. Tell your manager what is going on if necessary, when and if that happens. When they know the steps you have taken to protect yourself, and this isn't just another case of work place drama, they will help you as well.

You cannot be idle here. There are four lives at stake, three of which need time and space and probably counselling at some point to adjust to a healthy way of living, free from fear and distress.

Get going, you have work to do.

[Depressed in MO]

You all are very generous and I thank you tremendously. I will post more tomorrow morning when I get in.

Thanks again-I'll be in touch and I thank you more than you know.

[sully123]

Please depressed stop worrying about him. He made his own mistakes, and he is too blame. He wasn't thinking of you and the children, to land up where he is at. Your main concern, is the children and their well being. They don't need to be exposed anymore to the life you are living. It's not healthy! You are an adult, get away from this man. He is controlling and abusive to you. You finally learned, and don't fall for his poor me, he did it to himself. GET away from him, with those kids, and get some help.