[Cutloose2]

Guys, Read many of the posts on this site and some are inspirational and give you a sense of your not alone so thanks, My question is this..

Having spent 8 months with my girlfriend I lied about staying overnight in hospital rather than a day visit, I did it to get attention from her but she found out and finished the relationship, I apologized straight away and gave the reason for it she has said that she accepts and understands why I did it but can't be in a relationship like that, we split about a month ago and I did all the usual things, I wrote her a letter explaining stuff which she acknowledged but I was texting her a lot and getting no replies to anything so 2 days ago I text her and asked if I could call, she replied and said yes so after an hour of talking and me being completely honest I opened up to her in the end she said she wanted to be friends (Hate that phrase) but couldn't be in the relationship because of trust.. She said she wanted us but knew it wouldn't work as no matter how hard she tried she couldn't change it.. I didn't disagree and said I needed some time on my own.. The truth is this woman is the only person I feel I can truly open up too. We can talk for hours but I can't be friends with her the feelings are too strong.. I have resisted texting or calling for 2 days now and know it will ease in time.. My question is do I stay and try to be friends in the hope of building the trust back up or do I cut loose and accept I made a big mistake over my lie (Which I know I did, I should have just talked to her).. Thanks Guys

[Cutloose2]

Further to my post.. My ex when we met had just lost a previous boyfriend and had spent months looking after him, I tried to support here and that how we got together, we work together and there is a guy in work who wanted her really badly and became enraged when he found out about us, there was a lot of pressure and eventually we both went to HR to complain... She ended up in mediation with him and that made me feel more insecure as he was getting time alone with her.. I did/do trust her completely but he then turned on me putting me down and passing comments to me from other people about me as a person etc.. I didn't tell her about this as I thought it would make things worse for her so kept quiet hence the attention seeking stuff... I have never connected with anyone like her (I isn't a kid trust me) I just don't know what to do...

[amicon]

You can't be friends now as you need to heal from the breakup so no contact,as in no texting,talking,mailing etc.
You must do this for yourself so you can move on with your life and be happy again.

[Cutloose2]

Amicon, thank you... Before our conversation on the phone 2 days ago.. I realised that my texts and contact (Outside of work, I can't aviod it in work but just keep it to work related stuff) were of no use after reading this forum, so I said on the phone I needed time on my own to realise what I needed.. She said (And this is what I don't get) "I dont mind the mad txts you sent so dont stop", for me that's worse than just being friends as I know she won't reply.. Its hard wnough losing the person you let in to your inner most thoughts but to keep you txting like that would be torture for me and I realised that hence why I said "I need time alone"...

BUt trust me it's the hardest thing in the world to do.. I have deleted the number and haven't made contact.. I guess for me if someone can't accept that you made a mistake and give a genuine reason for it (Which I did and it was truth) then they can't accept that humans do make mistakes and hurt others but they learn and regret in order to move forward then as hurt as I am at losing her it wasn't right..

Doesn't help though I miss her like crazy.. Even just talking all night (Which we did a lot) Thanks all


Oops haha one last question... How can someone that doesn't trust you want you to be friends??

[amicon]

Good-no more texts-why keep boosting her ego? As little contact as possible is the way to go-stick to it.
All breakups are tough,it takes time and patience with yourself getting over someone,that's just the way it is.

Yes, we all make mistakes.
I assume you lied to get attention?
Maybe you have some issues about insecurity and low selfesteem that you could work on?

[Cutloose2]

I wanted her attention due to this guy that wanted her (She doesn't want him) (Read above) he pressured me with insults and such (Hes my boss! ) Ive dealt with all that now through work.. I just wanted her to show she cared about me (Totally wrong I know) She has accepted and understands all that I just don't get the friends thing if its finished on trust... Can I just say that I have NEVER lied before and never will again.. I should have talked to her about my feelings at that time.. I have reflected on what has happened and know where I went wrong... God I'm rambling haha


As a footnote, I have still have some of her things here which I have as the site suggests put in a box away but she still has door keys and some things to my house.. I have asked for the things to be exchanged (Posted if needs be) in my letter to her.. That was 3 weeks ago and I also asked in a text but have no reply to my request... How do you stop this, I don't want anyone having by key (And House alarm Control Fob) I could change the locks but can't change the alarm...

[amicon]

Well,ramble on,it's allowed.
As for being friends,my take on that is-a lot of dumpers say that to ease their guilt,and/or to make themselves feel better about having dumped somebody.
I wouldn't worry about that now.

[Cutloose2]

Is there any way I will get her back?

[amicon]

I couldn't tell you that-I can only advice you to act and live as if that's not going to happen.

[Cutloose2]

Thanks Amicon.. I know you are right I just feel cheated that I made a mistake feld my hands up and after months of being told oh ye you're the one and a lot of other stuff she walks away.. Yes I made the error but I mean so little to not forgive... This is poop haha

[amicon]

Wouldn't you rather face this now though than finding out further down the road that this relationship was not what you thought it was?
And a lesson learned,lying is probably,to most people, a dealbreaker.. . :-(

[Cutloose2]

I know I did wrong... I can't say no more I'm just punishing myself for a mistake I bitterly regret and don't know why I didn't just tell her I wanted to know we were OK and how I felt... male pride sucks... I don't blame her at all just want to put things right I guess the time has gone.. thanks u.

[friend4u178]

Hi Cutloose

Unfortunately your lie might not be the actual reason why she broke it off but you seem to be focusing on that. If she really loved you there would be no way that one descretion would be the end. I would say that she probably had reservations for a while and the "lie" gave her an out.

As far as the being friends thing and her saying it's fine to text etc. that is her easing her guilt for breaking up with you , by the sounds of it she still likes you but not in the relationship type sense , so what you need to do now is go complete No Contact otherwise you'll just be wallowing around with False hope for months before you realise it's a lost cause.

It sucks being dumped , and it'll hurt for a while , but you can make the hurt go quicker by accepting it and not hanging on asking yourself all the if's and why's.

Come here and vent when you need to , there will always be people here who you can talk to , and read the stories on the forum to get a better perspective of how it generally all turns out.

Good luck!

[Cutloose2]

Friend4u, Thank you for your response, I do agree with you and so do a lot of my close friends, I have managed 3 days now of NC and I'm proud of that, whilst I did wrong I made the apology and was completely honest when I spoke with her, what I feel is unfair and derogatory to me is a statement like "I want us but know it wont work" which she said, that gives me something to hang on to is is wrong from her, I just want my things back and to return here's and move on, I think one of the biggest reasons you fight so hard to save something is the fear of ending up on your own (Especially when you become more mature) well you know what... ITS OK... The way I am trying to reason things is... If she wanted me in the first place there is no reason someone else won't... learn from what happened don't make the same mistakes and enjoy life.. I went out yesterday and boought a load of gym equipment (Thats my escape now)... I just hope that I receive no more texts or contact from her (Other than work).. I can't be friends... I know that... It wouldn't be fair on either of us and ultimately I would be going down the same road of lying to both of us which in the long term would slow my healing and prevent me moving on.. What being dumped has taught me is that you focus on YOU not them... Many Thanks to all who have replied and I will continue to post even if its drivvel..

[amicon]

I think you're thinking along the right lines.
Have a friend help you do the exchange of your respective stuff-stick to the NC and start enjoying your life again!

As for drivel,it isnt-and you should come back here whenever you want to.:-)

[Cutloose2]

Amicon Thanks, You know the hardest thing is accepting that you are a decent person... It makes you feel worthless and about 6 inches tall.. We all know the risks you take when getting into a relationship that's part of life but it gets harder as you get older to recover... This BB is amazing and the posters give real advice I wish I had found it 6 weeks ago. Thank you all

[amicon]

You're very welcome-we all recover though and meet new people.

Every relationship's a learning experience and somehow,sometime,somewhere,we'll get it right!

[Cutloose2]

Hi All, another day gone and another day I've managed to keep my finger off the send button.. It isn't getting any easier and I still think "Can i salvage this", "How do i get her back", "How do i make her see that she was my soul mate"... I guess these are questions that most who have made mistakes and want a chance ask... I will never know the answers and will never pose the questions... Monday should be fun have a meeting with the man who put me under the pressure to tell the lie and look for re assurance... I don't blame him I blame me for the lie but I reconcile that with the thought that if the relationship was strong enough she wold of accepted (As she did) the reasons for it and not judge me on 1 mistake.. She will be in the next office as well!! Oh my god! Do I ignore her or pop my head in and say hi.. she knows I'm attending and don't want to appear ignorant... I need to be strong now and show that I'm moving on with my life ad she wasn't my only reason for living and advice received I will be grateful for.. Anyway another day done with NC and she feels further away.. is that good or bad... instinct says bad but head says good because you made it through another day... Another installment tomorrow... thanks all just for being there an reading what I've wrote... Take care x

[friend4u178]

She will be in the next office as well!!! Oh my god! do i ignore her or pop my head in and say hi..she knows im attending and dont want to appear ignorant...

She knows and is probably dreading it too , I'm sure if you just leave her alone she'll think much more of you than if you pop your head in and embarrass her. And don't think that's being ignorant on your part , she's the one who made the decision the dump you , you owe her nothing so you need to stop putting her on a pedestal she doesn't deserve.

You also get to keep your dignity this way ;)

...I need to be strong now and show that im moving on with my life and she wasnt my only reason for living

Exactly , keep that thought.

[Cutloose2]

Friend Thank You... I have to agree.. Will walk straight past with my head held high... Day 4 of NC work again so should be an easier day.. To be honest I actually woke up and wasn't thinking about it which is a positive step, although its been nearly 6 weeks as the last contact was Wednesday I've started from there so all in all I isn't doing to bad.. Have a good day all will post later and let you know how I got on today