[minnmama]

I am married with 4 kids, 2 from a previous marriage. My first husband abused drugs and alcohol and was physically and mentally abusive. I have been married for the second time for almost 10 years. My husband is a very strong willed person. He is very traditional and conservative. We've never had the best communication, but it is at an all time low. He constantly blames me for every bad situation arises, from finances to him forgetting our youngest child's coat. He reminds me constantly of my failing; the house isn't clean enough, I don't try to get a better job; he can't give a compliment, only criticism. I have dealt with it, but now it's starting on the kids, primarily my oldest daughter, who is 14. He always makes fun of her flat chest, calls her lazy, criticized her performance in sports. If she stands up to him, he flies off the handle. He calls her disrespectful (which she isn't), and has even shoved her on the bed, against the wall, forced her onto her knees and shoved her face in the snow. He still paddles her. She is on antidepressants, has quit basketball because she didn't want to be yelled at, and her grades have dropped. He has even started in on our sons, who are biologically his. If they don't perform well in their sporting events, or cry (they are 8 and 5), he calls them pussies, babies, lazy, etc. He threatens all of the children whenever he is mad. It's like we're living with a different person. I have asked him to go to counseling, but he refuses "to tell a stranger our business." We put up a great front in public, but at home, it's a different story. I have been on anti-anxiety meds for over a year, and I can't sleep without a sleep aid. I think we should leave, but I don't want to make a mistake... Please offer your opinion.

[Justwantfair]

If you are ever wondering if your husband is abusive, he probably is, if he wasn't it wouldn't even cross your mind.

If you care about your children, you need to leave now, contact a domestic violence shelter in your area. Your daughter is paying a horrible price at your husbands hand.

[amicon]

Your children are your priority and they,as well as you,are being abused.
Your husband refuses counseling,so I would say you have reached the point where you have to take the future wellbeing and welfare of your children into serious consideration.
Personally, I would file for divorce and create a safe home for my children.
I think your marriage is beyond rescuing.

[Cat1864]

I have dealt with it, but now it's starting on the kids, primarily my oldest daughter, who is 14. He always makes fun of her flat chest, calls her lazy, criticized her performance in sports. If she stands up to him, he flies off the handle. He calls her disrespectful (which she isn't), and has even shoved her on the bed, against the wall, forced her onto her knees and shoved her face in the snow. He still paddles her. She is on antidepressants, has quit basketball because she didn't want to be yelled at, and her grades have dropped. He has even started in on our sons, who are biologically his. If they don't perform well in their sporting events, or cry (they are 8 and 5), he calls them pussies, babies, lazy, etc. He threatens all of the children whenever he is mad. It's like we're living with a different person.

I definitely call this physical, mental, and emotional abuse.

I think he needs to be arrested if he continues to abuse your daughter physically.

I think you need to understand that you truly are in another abusive relationship and that you aren't over-reacting because of your past when you feel abused by this man. You need to get out before he causes physical injuries to someone (IF he hasn't already). He has already done enough mental and emotional damage.

I think that the entire family needs counseling whether he goes or not. I think you need to be honest with your family and friends about what your marriage is really like (you will need their support).

I think you need to contact a divorce attorney and start proceedings to get custody of your sons and to ensure that he can't try to get custody of your daughter and other child to get back at you.

[Jake2008]

If you aren't sure, I don't know what he has to do to convince you.

Your children are suffering, and you have to get them to a safe place.

Actually more than that, you have an obligation as a mother, to protect your children.

Realize that history is once again repeating itself, and if you ever want your children to grow up and not repeat the mistakes you are making now, then get them out of that home.

For God's sake, what are you waiting for. Broken bones? Suicide?

[minnmama]

Thank you all for your replies. When you are in a situation like this, you start to wonder if you are blowing things out of proportion. Your perception becomes skewed, and you start to doubt your judgement. I appreciate your input and will go with my instincts, which God gave to us for a reason, which I forgot...

[amicon]

All the best to you and your children.
Take good care of yourselves.

[Gemini54]

Are you being abused? Yes!

This man is slowly eroding yourself worth and that of your children. He is physically and mentally violent and he allows his anger with himself and the world to spew onto his family.

Yes he does need counselling, but first you need to distance yourself physically from this man. As the children grow older they may defy him more and I am afraid for their and your physical well-being.

You must leave - contact a Woman's Shelter they will give you advice and provide you with a place to stay. Otherwise speak to your family, and ask them for support.

The situation you're in is unhealthy and extremely toxic. Get out now and get yourself and the children some counselling.

[Jake2008]

Minn, I know exactly what you mean. Even when something stares you in the face, it's easy to question whether it is real, or if you are seeing what you are seeing. Natural response.

There is no option for you right now unfortunately, except to get out, and keep yourself safe, and your children safe. He is like a terrible storm cloud shooting bolts of lightening at will, to innocent people standing below.

You cannot change him, and you cannot change his behaviour. At some point he will be remorseful, but it will be for selfish reasons.

You will see that cloud disappear, and sunshine once again, the minute you take charge of your life, and do the right thing by your children.

[cozyk]

My short answer is... LEAVE!! He is abusive to all of you and is doing psychological damage to your children daily, They need to see their mom stand up for herself and for them. I know, easy to say, and it's difficult to make this move and deal with the financial hardships, finding a place to live, etc. but this man's behavior is a deal breaker.

[Canella]

WoW..
She is right, when you are in a situation like this, you start to think that you are really blowing things out of proportion, specially because you are blamed for everything that goes wrong, he blames you for what he does wrong to you and the kids.. in my case, I am the one who is immature and he insists that I act like a little girl that is why he has to act like a father to me.
Its all mental abuse, emotional abuse...
If I had kids with a man, I don't care if it is his own kids,
He would not be allowed to abused them, in any way shape or form...
DO IT FOR THE SAKE OF YOUR KIDS, you can make it on your own, you can!

[88sunflower]

Right now you are the role model for your children. Do you want to live like this and let them see you backing down every day? Or do you want to teach your babies to be strong and stand up for themselves.

Look what has already happened to your daughter? Medicine, slipping grades, dropping out of sports. Do you want her to now turn to drugs to mask the pain this man is causing you and your children. Get out.

If you have any reason at all to question if he is abusive then you know in your heart and mind that he is. Save your kids while you still can. Save your sanity. Get your kids counseling. Especially your daughter.

[neverme]

I absolutely agree with the rest of the posters you need to leave and you need to do it sooner rather than later.

Your children are being formed as they grow into adults.

You older children, I'm sure will remember the abuse from the other relationship and do not need this as yet another influence in their life.

You need to leave and you need to do it now.

Group and individual counseling will benefit all.

Take the step, you are strong enough.