[Rockstar714]

Hey everyone,

My mom has been seeing this guy since June. I met him in July and hated him from the get go.

She's still with him, and he seems to be really controlling to me. Here are my reasons for thinking this:

When I am there, after dinner he takes her to the office or her bedroom and I don't see her until she goes to bed or the next day.

He is always arguing with her that he is right, even though she is the manager of the resort they live at, and when she makes a valid point he calls the owner (he isn't even an employee)

He only acknowledges me when she is around. If she isn't around and I say something to him, he just says "uh huh" and walks out of the room and hasn't made any attempt to get to know me

He lives at the resort rent free. Gets food stamps but doesn't help pay for any of the groceries or when they go out to dinner

She pays his cell bill, even though she put him on her plan in September when he had a job, and he hasn't paid a dime toward it

Convinced her to get 2 horses when I spent 2 years convincing her not to get them because she couldn't afford it. He promised he would help her pay for them. He hasn't paid a dime yet.

Promised he would pay for the truck that's in her name for the horses. This was 2 months ago, and he hasn't made a payment.

EVERYONE says the same thing about him: we don't like him, there is something we don't trust about him. Everyone is: Me, my best friend (for 18 years), her dad, her close friend, and the girl she nannied for 3 years

I spent the last weekend convincing her to break up with him. So did her friend. Her response? "I'm afraid he'll rape or kill me".

PLEASE somebody help me on this. I hate this guy. Its tearing me apart. And she's thinking about marrying him and trying to convince me he's such a great guy

[mudweiser]

Unfortunately you cannot do anything to stop this. All you can do is talk to your mother and to this man about your feelings about this whole situation. You need to clear the air.

Regardless of what you do she is an adult and she'll make her own decisions, you should be there for her and supporting her.

If this guy is junk then soon enough your mom will need you there when she wakes up.

Good luck to you.

[jay1971]

I'm sorry to say but if your mom thinks he will kill or rape her if they break up and she is thinking of marrying this loser then I think your mom needs some help get friends and family involved to talk some sense into her you don't want to be sorry for not doing nothing about it if the worse were to happen heaven forbid hang in there kid and get between them by spending time with your mom talk to everyone who will listen family friends pastors counselors and most importantly your mom don't give up your doing a good thing

[Wondergirl]

A friend had a boyfriend like this. She wanted to get him out of her house, but ended up marrying him (at his insistence) because she thought then it would be easier to get rid of him by getting a divorce.

I'm most worried about the horses. Is anyone taking care of them? Horses cost a ton of time and money for upkeep -- hay, oats, pasture, stable, tack, vet care, grooming, disease control, exercise, socialization, inoculations... Please keep an eye out for them and call a horse rescue place or animal shelter to report any deficiencies in their care.

As for your mom -- you can't tell her what to do. Unfortunately, she may have to "hit bottom" before she helps herself get away from this guy. If she's truly worried for her life and health, that's a police matter.

[snowfall]

That guy sounds scary...
You're right to worry about your mother; she should break up with him. Was she joking when she told you that she was afraid he'd rape/kill her if she broke up with him? Has/ would he ever hit your mother? I guess he refuses to break up with her because she gives him whatever he wants and she does whatever he says.
There's no reason for him to break up with her. Why would he? Of course he doesn't want to. He's living there for free, he doesn't have to pay for anything and he can convince your mother into whatever-- he can have his way for everything.
But yea, she needs to break up with him. If they get married then how is your mother going to get away from him? It takes both parties to agree on a divorce, but only one to walk out of a relationship. And getting divorced mean that he gets half of all properties owned by her [money, land, furnature.. ]; since they would be considered both of theirs once they are married. Getting divorced takes up a load of time.. and judging from your description of him, he's very good at convincing her of things; it's very likely he could convince her of what he wants out of the divorce- which is possibly everything, and her lawyer can't do anything about it, because it's her choice, lawyers just give legal advice and take care of the paperwork.
There's not much to think about, it's clear what your mother should do. Why isn't she willing to break up with him?

[88sunflower]

It's a tough call to make. You can sit back and hope your mom realizes the position she is in and can walk away. Or you have to get involved. But your mom told you she was already afraid of what he might to do her. What happens if you start to get in her business and he finds out? Will that make it worse? Will she have to fear him more?

Like Wondergirl said she may have to hit rock bottom before she realizes she needs to get out. You will need to be there for her. Its unfortunate you have to watch what's going on and watch this man bring your mother down. If you talk to her just be careful she isn't repeating it to him. He sounds dangerous and you don't want to make it worse for everyone.

[Cat1864]

JudyKayTee may be able to give more information on whether this is feasible or not, but I think you may need to look into hiring a private investigator to check into this person. The way he is charming/scaring your mother sounds like a habit and he may have several women like your mother in his past.

If you are truly afraid for your mother's safety, talk to someone at the local police department. If nothing else, you will have it on record should anything happen.

There are several things that she really needs to face. He is not paying his way in way. He could be close to getting her fired if he keeps calling her bosses. There are two horses that need more than lip service to pay for their up-keep. He will change after marriage-he will get worse not better. If she has a will, I would bet that he is already working on getting her to put him in it. I would also bet that he is or has gotten her to get a life insurance policy naming him as the beneficiary.

Unfortunately, it still comes down to her standing up for herself and getting rid of him.

[88sunflower]

Spreading the rep Cat all good points.