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ironman35 · Jan 6, 2010, 07:25 AM

I just ended a relationship three days ago with the girl I've been dating for 4.5 years. It turns out that before xmas break when I was not on campus she cheated on me with another guy. They did everything but sex. She claims she was stupid, was losing feelings for me, started getting feelings for him, liked the attention, and what not. She told one of her friends about it and how she didn't know how to tell me cause she was afraid to lose me. I eventually found out and initially she lied and made it look like it was just flirting and friendly talking then I found more out the other night and that's when I started catching her in lies and finally the next morning she admitted everything and I couldn't take it anymore and just told her to get out of my life. Well since then I have calmed down a lot and have been talking with her a little but not on the phone cause I can't do that yet. She has been begging and pleading to let her try and prove that she really wants to be with me and that she regrets everything she did. She plans on seeing a counselor and is going to start going back to church. Right now she is on campus while I'm home cause she plays basketball and some of the girls down there that I talk to said she is an absolute mess. She has not been able to go full practices let alone practice at all. She's always crying. They say when she's not crying she is looking at a picture of me on her phone and they say when they try to talk about her and I get mention she lights up. I truly believe this girl was madly in love with me I just don't understand how something like this happens after 4 years and you say you love someone. We were even talking about marriage. I want to give it time for everything to settle and see where it goes but at the same time I still love her and want her in my life like that, and when I think about giving it time I'm scared because I don't want to lose her and I don't want her realizing that maybe its not meant to be even though that would be the best thing if that's what it is. Any suggestions?

Metalhead11592 · Jan 6, 2010, 07:52 AM

Oh boy Ironman,
Your in a sticky situation, I would let a little more time go down and then I would say have a talk with her, she might appologize but the human mind tends to work in patterns if she did it once it could happen again. In the rare situation that it would never happen again just go for it be with her. Just be cafeful not to get hurt again my friend, a girl isn't worth getting hurt over.

ironman35 · Jan 6, 2010, 07:57 AM

Thanks man. What makes things worse is I'm the only guy she's ever slept with and she told the other kid she wouldn't do that with him cause she only wants to do it with the one she marrys.! How could you tell someone that as your cheating on them? I just don't get it

Metalhead11592 · Jan 6, 2010, 08:02 AM

To me it sounds like she's almost as confused as you are. She was seeking attention from another guy because maybe you weren't focusing yourself on her as much as she liked, and then it bloomed into an ugly flower of lust and scorn. I think that you need to take it to the next step and talk to her about it and how you felt about it. Use these key words that have always work for me " When you did (blankety blank blank) he not only violated you but he violated our relationship and I'm apart of this relationship and I was deeply hurt!" I garentee if she really wants to be with you and she appologizes while crying take her back she really was just in a bad state of mind.

Romefalls19 · Jan 6, 2010, 08:06 AM

I don't buy it, I don't condone it. For me, it's always been one and done. I made that rule after my first girlfriend. She cheated, claimed it would never happen again, she was stupid blah blah blah then did it again, twice. Think of it this way, every time someone shows her attention, is she going to stray now? What about if she thinks she's losing feelings for you? Did she think about your feelings as this other guy put his hands where only you should be putting them? Nope. Yes this is harsh but it's what you need. You will always wonder about her intentions, whereabouts when you're not around, it will more than likely lead to arguments and checking her phone and checking up on her. Life is too short to have to babysit a spouse.

ironman35 · Jan 6, 2010, 12:30 PM

Thanks for the tips guys

Showme_urmove · Jan 13, 2011, 11:26 PM

So true.. She was being selfish about her own feelings.

Showme_urmove · Jan 13, 2011, 11:33 PM

I Agree with Romefalls, She was thinking about her own feelings, but not about yours. She knew she was in a 4 yr relationship, but she didn't care and let that guy touched her all over!

I eventually found out and initially she lied and made it look like it was just flirting and friendly talking then I found more out the other night and that's when I started catching her in lies

Not only she she cheated, but she was trying to hide it from you. She was trying to see if she can get away from it, and when you found out she was sugar coating the problem, more lies in your face. That's not acceptable!

talaniman · Jan 14, 2011, 05:05 AM

You either forgive, or you don't, but you don't let them suffer, and expect to be back with them later. If indeed you want to try this again, then take the risks, and work through the emotional fall out to come, or walk away, and don't look back.

Going back for sure has to be a risk, because this incident will change the relationship for a very long time as there will be many personal issues to be dealt with besides the cheating, and trust that has been broken. This will be no time for impulsive paranoia, and a whole lot of anger if you think she is worth the risk. If you are not up for it, or think she is not, you better walk away, so you both can heal, and do better later.