Check out some similar questions!

I wish · Jan 8, 2010, 07:24 AM

Trust your own instincts. Do what feels natural to you. You don't need to force anything.

I do suggest that you meet in neutral settings the first few times you meet each other, at least until you've gotten to know him better in person.

It takes effort, patience and time to get to know each other and to build a higher comfort level. So instead of analyzing all his actions and talking about your situation with each other, I suggest that you spend that time continuing to know get to know each other better and enjoying the conversations. Let things flow naturally.

asking · Jan 8, 2010, 09:45 AM

I don't feel like I have good instincts at all. That feels like my biggest problem. I have instincts and thoughts and they don't all agree and I don't know if any of them is a useful guide to anything. That's why I am here asking for some perspective. On the plus side, I feel a good connection to this man, but I felt that way about the man I married who turned out to be abusive. So that tells me nothing except that this phone friend is smart, funny, and determined to charm me. I'm totally charmed.

I think I tend to go along with things I have reservations about because, by definition, my instincts are no good until there's no avoiding the obvious so I let other people make decisions or sweep me along in a tide of enthusiasm.

How do I develop better instincts? Or recognize the ones I've got as legitimate. When is anxiety just anxiety and when is it a good instinct? I know I need to give it time and get to know him better, but I really hate the process of spending months waiting for someone to reveal their hidden flaws. I'm impatient, I guess.

Thanks for the meetup suggestion, artlady. I know about it but have not used it. I'll go look at it today.
Still confused...

I wish · Jan 8, 2010, 10:01 AM

You develop better instincts through experience. Whatever the outcome is in your situation, you'll definitely develop better instincts as it plays out. You also develop better instincts through trial and error.

You do sound impatient. If you feel that you have a good connection with this person, then continue to make that connection stronger.

If you feel uncomfortable, don't be afraid to speak up. As you may already know, keeping your thoughts inside can build fustration.

asking · Jan 8, 2010, 10:27 AM

Thanks. I will talk to him.

I am about to turn 55 and I figure if I don't have any instincts about men by now I'm never going to have them. It's not that I don't have instincts but that I don't know which ones to trust. I go back and forth, like a squirrel in the road.

And when I try to talk to men about concerns it seems like they just tell me what they think I want to hear. And in the process of sharing my concerns they get to know me better and are better able to tell me what I want to hear, which just makes things harder for me to sort out. I wonder, is this genuine or just "dealing" with me?

But I do keep things inside too much. Even my mother used to say that when I was a kid. She'd tell me that I bottled things up and was "too eager to please." I don't seem to have changed much.

asking · Jan 8, 2010, 12:38 PM

:)! Woof.

I just called him and had a good conversation. I feel better. Thanks for the help!

asking · Jan 10, 2010, 10:28 AM

So he had his date of Friday and stayed out until 1 am. I think this first date lasted between 6 and 7 hours. Seems like a long time to me considering he was supposedly telling her he had found another relationship. I had asked him to call me afterward even if it was late, but he emailed briefly at 1 am to say he was too tired to talk to me.

Then I got really sick with the flu. He called yesterday afternoon and I told him that I was sad not to hear from him Friday night. He changed the subject. Then he told me that he had talked to his daughter about feeling hurt when she stood him up recently (I had advised him to tell her) and that she had instantly expressed remorse and apologized. He said it was a bonding experience and thanked me for suggesting that he be open about his feelings.

I then said, using his exact words to his daughter, "I felt hurt that you didn't call me on Friday." He started making excuses. I said, what did you daughter say when you told her you were hurt? And he told me. And then he acted confused by the conversation. I was beginning to feel really sick. I had a fever of 102, so I just said I was too tired to talk anymore and said good bye. He did not say good bye back, but I hung up anyway. He sent me an email later saying he was sorry he hurt my feelings.

But still, I am feeling like he wants me to be exclusive to him but rationalizes going out himself. In principle there's nothing wrong with him going out, it's the idea that it's a one time thing and that I should not go out even if he does. Based on my experience in other relationships, I am thinking that he'll have another reason next time. Or it will be something else that I can't make any sense of. I think I will not go to Denver but instead tell him he's welcome to visit here and stay in a motel. Going to Denver now feels like too much of an investment in the relationship.

Maybe I'm making too much of this. But it just feels like there is a disconnect between him telling me he's thinking about me all the time and the out 'til 1 am date.

He also made a point of putting her down, saying she was boring. I know this was intended to make me not feel threatened and insecure. But I don't feel insecure about that and it made me respect him less. It's such a cliché to reassure one woman by putting down the competition.

I guess that's what's happening, a fairly catastrophic breakdown in my respect for him. He also told me that he drank too much before she arrived (she was late) and earlier in the week, he told me that he drank a beer while driving. He tried to frame it as funny, but I didn't think it was funny. I guess I was a little surprised, shocked even. He's been through a lot in the last few years, and I'm sympathetic to that, but I'm sensing he's not ready for a stable relationship right now.

amicon · Jan 10, 2010, 10:47 AM

I think you're sensing right-and the way he drinks would be a red flag to me.
I most definitely wouldn't go to see this chap-if he comes to your city,fine,but it seems you're having second thoughts?

artlady · Jan 10, 2010, 10:52 AM

Originally Posted by asking

So he had his date of Friday and stayed out until 1 am. I think this first date lasted between 6 and 7 hours. Seems like a long time to me considering he was supposedly telling her he had found another relationship. I had asked him to call me afterward even if it was late, but he emailed briefly at 1 am to say he was too tired to talk to me.

Then I got really sick with the flu. He called yesterday afternoon and I told him that I was sad not to hear from him Friday night. He changed the subject. Then he told me that he had talked to his daughter about feeling hurt when she stood him up recently (I had advised him to tell her) and that she had instantly expressed remorse and apologized. He said it was a bonding experience and thanked me for suggesting that he be open about his feelings.

I then said, using his exact words to his daughter, "I felt hurt that you didn't call me on Friday." He started making excuses. I said, what did you daughter say when you told her you were hurt? And he told me. And then he acted confused by the conversation. I was beginning to feel really sick. I had a fever of 102, so I just said I was too tired to talk anymore and said good bye. He did not say good bye back, but I hung up anyway. He sent me an email later saying he was sorry he hurt my feelings.

But still, I am feeling like he wants me to be exclusive to him but rationalizes going out himself. In principle there's nothing wrong with him going out, it's the idea that it's a one time thing and that I should not go out even if he does. Based on my experience in other relationships, I am thinking that he'll have another reason next time. Or it will be something else that I can't make any sense of. I think I will not go to Denver but instead tell him he's welcome to visit here and stay in a motel. Going to Denver now feels like too much of an investment in the relationship.

Maybe I'm making too much of this. But it just feels like there is a disconnect between him telling me he's thinking about me all the time and the out 'til 1 am date.

He also made a point of putting her down, saying she was boring. I know this was intended to make me not feel threatened and insecure. But I don't feel insecure about that and it made me respect him less. It's such a cliche to reassure one woman by putting down the competition.

I guess that's what's happening, a fairly catastrophic breakdown in my respect for him. He also told me that he drank too much before she arrived (she was late) and earlier in the week, he told me that he drank a beer while driving. He tried to frame it as funny, but I didn't think it was funny. I guess I was a little surprised, shocked even. He's been through a lot in the last few years, and I'm sympathetic to that, but I'm sensing he's not ready for a stable relationship right now.

There are a few red flags here.The drinking being a big one and the idea that he is still on the dating circuit and then putting down his date is pretty lame too.

I think your instincts are right on the money and I think you are wise to proceed with caution. :):)

TOMMYBONE · Jan 10, 2010, 10:54 AM

Don't jump the gun. You can find a guy like that around here. Be patient

asking · Jan 10, 2010, 11:01 AM

Thank you! It is so helpful to get some feedback on this. You guys are great.

Yes. I'm having second thoughts. But I feel sad about that because I really enjoyed talking and corresponding with him. You want someone to be the one when they are so much fun. I guess I'm looking for a middle ground, so I can have more time to decide what to do.

amicon · Jan 10, 2010, 11:13 AM

Sometimes people aren't who we thought they were,and that is sad. Find your middle ground and make your mind up when you're ready.
I hope your flu's better.

asking · Jan 10, 2010, 03:10 PM

I talked to him today briefly and he said he drank a lot Friday night, "and I never do that." He added that he drove home drunk. At least he's honest... But this is sounding pretty unlikely. :(

HistorianChick · Jan 10, 2010, 03:15 PM

You shouldn't have to be made to feel that you are "accepting" things that you wouldn't normally accept in a man, just because he is a potential LDR.

Whenever I feel like I"m "lowering my standards" or "Well, normally I don't like that, but... ", I step back and re-evaluate.

You don't think it is acceptable that he drove "buzzed" (me neither), why should you have to lower your standards and accept it in him? You feel you "have" to because you don't really know him and it could all be a mistake...

I'd say go with your gut.

I totally agree with you about not going to Denver. Things changed when he stayed out until 1, got drunk, and didn't call when he said he would. He needs to work for your affection now. He needs to make this right if it's going to work out.

Don't lower your standards for anyone. You've become the amazing person you are because of those standards. :)

amicon · Jan 10, 2010, 03:20 PM

Yes,sorry that's not good news. Seems drinking and driving's a habit of his.
I'd say it's very unlikely.

jaime90 · Jan 10, 2010, 03:43 PM

There's a lot of warning signs that are clear in this guy. It sucks, but when you give up a guy for his cons, you're giving up all of his pros too, but sometimes it's got to be done. You don't want to keep a guy around because you think his pros discredit his cons.

I wish · Jan 11, 2010, 07:25 AM

See, your instincts are kicking in. Something does smell fishy when it sounds like he wants you to be exclusive, yet he's going out on a date.

I sounds to me that you're not on the same page. I think you need to define the type of friendship/relationship you want with each other. If you can't find a mutual agreement, then maybe it's better if you go your separate ways.

It's tough to tie each other down if you're not committed to one another at a level that you're both comfortable with.

asking · Mar 4, 2010, 09:29 AM

Okay. I have been gone from AMHD because I spend at least 2 hours a day talking to my guy from Denver. We get along wonderfully 90% of the time and when we have problems, we work them out. He has come to visit me twice and he's great and I am going to visit him next week.

But I have a question for which I need an objective opinion.
So here it is:

A friend's daughter is getting married in LA in June and it's important to me to go to the wedding. I suggested to Denver that he meet me there and we spend a couple of days in LA together. He immediately asked if he was invited to the wedding. I said I wasn't sure yet. We have so far spent a total of 6 days together, although probably hundreds of hours on the phone. I said I would ask my friends if he could be added to the guest list but that I wanted to wait to ask. I didn't say this, but I just don't want to embarrass myself with my friends by asking to bring a boyfriend and then realizing later it's not going to work out and having to tell them he's not coming. If we'd been together longer and things were going well, I wouldn't hesitate. I think this hurt his feelings, although he said it was fine.

Now he says he's not going to LA at all since he has yet to be invited to the wedding and his daughter has asked him to watch her dog that weekend. I want him to come to LA and I would probably want him to come to the wedding. I just wanted to wait another month or so, until closer to the RSVP deadline to ask. Also, he apparently thought I would have a ton of friends there and I just told him no, I mainly know the parents and their three adult children. I don't know if that was a factor.

Did I do a bad thing in stalling on asking my friends to add him to their guest list? We were going to offer to pay the difference, by the way. And they still might say no.

I feel like he's pushing a little too much. I am getting the impression that he's not satisfied with my level of commitment, at least on this issue.

PS. We have not met any of each others friends or family yet.
I am supposed to meet his grown daughter next week.

radarsmom · Mar 4, 2010, 12:00 PM

Don't want to burst your bubble but be careful! Words are easy, phone time is not a problem. I would suggest that you check out this person... Google, a non identifying call to his employer, credit check. People are not always as as they appear. If he is after you do the checking, then meet with him in a public setting (first letting someone know where, when and who you are meeting).

Good luck.

neverme · Mar 4, 2010, 12:32 PM

Asking,

I'm getting in very late in this one but it seems to me that you are being manipulated here.

My red flags are: his insistence that you be exclusive before you were ready for these labels, the early stage at which he said he loves you, I'm sorry but this is no school boy and he should know that love does not happen over the phone or overnight. (I am aware that you have met now but he was saying this beforehand!) His obviously manipulative and immature manner that he has dealt with this LA issue. For whatever reason you want to hold off for a while, whether he knows what that reason is or not, he should respect your thoughts and opinions. Especially regarding your OWN friends and family.

I think that the issue with the other woman earlier may have been a way of controlling as well, going out with her presuming you would be jealous and then putting her down, to elevate the relationship in your mind. Not only is that not classy but it's immature.

His drinking is another big red flag I don't agree with in the slightest, even if he does not care for his own well being what of the others on the road that he may crash into?

Asking, do you think, and I don't mean to be rude, but do you think he may have seen you as a vunerable older woman with a naïve streak? The only reason that I say this is that you seemed to have yourself in that mind frame when you began seeing him.

Please be careful. I have met a man from a dating site and as great as he seemed chatting over the internet and on the phone, he turned out to be a very possesive and single minded man. Not a bad man but not the right man for me. It took a while to realise this, but in the end I went with my gut and got out. In hindsight I was definitely right. Not saying this guy is the same as the one I was seeing but there are some definite red flags there.

asking · Mar 4, 2010, 03:04 PM

Hi neverme. You make some excellent points that have given me a lot to think about.

Still, I am not sure-- I think I need to wait and see.

I have seen NO other signs of excessive drinking in the two months we've been in contact. I will watch for that when I go visit him. He was concerned that his over-21 daughter told him she drinks, but then it turned out she meant one beer. My sense is that he's usually conservative about alcohol. But I'll pay attention.

In general, this has been a much better than other relationships I have had. But he is definitely rushing things. I don't always feel like it's too much, but he keeps pushing things forward in a way that seems surprising to me, like talking about living together (asking if marriage is important to me), and moving out here.

I do think he's a good guy. But I also want more time. I guess I should not have invited him to spend time with me in LA without knowing if he could go to the wedding. It seemed appealing to me when I suggested it.

I don't THINK he sees me as a naïve, vulnerable older woman. That's certainly not myself image. (And he's the same age as me.) I am surprised I came across that way and will give it some thought.

So, to get back to the possible LA trip, it crossed my mind that he was being manipulative, but I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt.
Maybe he is just saying what he wants, which is to go to the wedding with me. I can understand that. I guess what I'm asking is, Was it unreasonable to ask him to meet me in LA and NOT be invited to come with me to the wedding (it's not like he's going to know anyone)? Was that a hurtful thing to do? I guess if our positions were reversed I would not like it that much. But I also think I would be okay with waiting and trusting the other person to act eventually.