[Tempestfugit]

Hi, I'm a stay at home mom of 4 kids, ages 11, 9, 4, 2. I homeschool two of them. The 9 yr. old goes to public school. I have a pretty good marriage, good home, all our basic needs are met, etc... but I daily feel terribly overwhelmed and anxious and depressed over whether I'm doing OK as a wife, mom, teacher, so forth. This past summer an extra burden was added as I took over guardianship of my 73 yr. old mother who has Parkinson's with dementia. I have placed her in a very nice assisted living close to my home, but the responsibility of managing all her finances and getting her to Dr. appointments and keeping her place clean and stocked with basic groceries is just sending me overboard. I also feel very depressed watching her decline mentally. She and I have never been close (she's always been a very codependent and manipulative person) and it doesn't help that the dementia seems to be bringing that out of her a hundredfold. I hate visiting her. :-(
My 4 yr. old asked me the other day, "Mama, how come you never smile anymore?"
This past month our next door neighbor's 13 yr. old son committed suicide, and that's just adding to my feeling that this world, this life is just a horrible, horrible place. I'm a Christian, and I try to read the Bible everyday, and am praying nearly all day long, but this cloud of depression is just enveloping me totally. I keep feeling like something wretched is waiting for me or my loved ones just around the corner.. something inevitable and devastating. I have no peace lately, and chores are like trudging through endless mire. I want to just leave it all and go far far away. No sex drive, which is hard on hubby. :-( I snap at the kids constantly and then feel absolutely terrible about it.
I just don't know what to do!
Headaches all the time, worn out and achey no matter how much I sleep.
I wish I could just get away for even a little bit, but it seems there's always something to do (or clean up, thanks to having toddlers about) and so I see no escape. Just a really really heavy burden on my shoulders. Makes me wonder about the wisdom of anyone having kids.. I dearly love my own, but if I could have forseen that I'd have to take care of my mom like this I might not have had them.. so as not to put them through having a miserable mother like this! I am wondering.. is anyone else out there part of the "sandwich generation" and how are you coping? How does anyone deal with all this stress and responsibility?

[eyecue]

Seek outside counseling, make a doctors appointment for a physical and get your thyroid checked and get a prescription for lexipro.

I can speak from the loss of a teen daughter and what my wife and I went through. We have 5 kids and have been through a lot. One of the things that you are not doing is taking some time for YOU. Sit down and tell your husband what you are thinking and the problems that you are having and get him to take some of the load off you.

[Bluerose]

You must seek medical help. The downward spiral is very difficult to beat on your own. Please go ask your doctor for something for a few months to get you passed the worst of it. I know it's hard to see it just now but things will get better.

[Fr_Chuck]

First we only have so much time in a day. Does not most ast living, have their own transport to doctors for their residence,

I do have to ask why the one child goes to public school , just stands out.
To home school is a great thing but only if we can handle it.
I do also have to ask where your husband is in helping with all of this.

Does he do a lot of work around the house to help also

[jmjoseph]

You have a good home? Healthy children? All your needs met? If those are indeed yes, then you are ahead of most right now.

You seem to not be able to enjoy the good, because all of the bad is blocking your view.

You say that you are Christian? Then by all means go talk to your pastor. But the first place that you should go is to the doctor. Get a check-up.

Raising a family is hard work. Add an elderly person with special needs, and it brings on even more responsibilties.

You may just be overwhelmed right now.

Slow down, and relax every chance you get.

I agree with the suggestion on making time just for you. That is very important. You can't take care of your family, if you don't take care of yourself first.

God doesn't want you to overload yourself. And you know that He wouldn't give you more than you can handle.

There is help for you. Talk to your doctor about getting some.

God bless you and your family.

[Gemini54]

I'm so sorry that you're feeling overwhelmed. I can really understand that feeling. However, it does sound as if you ARE doing too much!

Firstly, you need to talk to someone about how you are feeling and get some assistance. Medication for a short time can REALLY help, but talking to someone is even better. Let someone know how you're feeling - there is no shame in this and people are always more than happy to help.

Secondly, what can you hand over to other people? Do your children need to be home schooled or can they all go to the public school?

Thirdly, why do you have to be the one organizing your mother's affairs? This can easily be handed over to a solicitor or an accountant.

Fourthly, speak to the person that is most important in your life. Your husband. Let him know that you're overwhelmed and that you need emotional and physical assistance.

If you can work on all this stuff together, you'll feel more supported and less stressed. And, it may well strengthen your marriage.

[Tempestfugit]

The 9 yr. old goes to school because she asked to do so, and is very happy there. The 11 yr. old asked to be homeschooled (we have had him in the school system before) and he is very happy with his homeschool. I simply homeschool the 4 yr. old because preschool costs money and we cannot afford it. She will go to public kindergarten in about a year and a half.
My husband seems to be overwhelmed with his programming job, and so no he does not help me much around the house. He will occasionally cook dinner (for which I am very grateful! ) but other than that, I'm in charge of all household duties. I do have the kids do their chores.. but I have to come along behind and make sure it's done well enough (that the floor got mopped and not more dirt smeared everywhere because the child won't go rinse out the mop, etc.) so I don't find their doing chores all that stress-reducing for me.. it's just good for their future.
My husband is feeling resentful that I won't meet his needs lately due to my stress, and that affects how much he is willing to do around here. I DO try, but there is no interest in it for me. And so even though I'm willing and available, he wants someone who is "into it". I have no answer to that dilemma.
I am scheduling a physical, that is a good idea and long overdue. I have tried to shcedule a counseling session with my pastor but he's pretty swamped right now himself so that will have to wait.
I think I will look into having the state take over the guardianship.. it is just too much for me. Yes, the assist. Living CAN take her to Dr. appt.s but they ask that it be only if I cannot do it due to emergency or illness.
My dad wants me to keep the guardianship because he is concerned a state guardian will make it difficult to sell and divide their assets. (More legal stuff to navigate than if I am the guardian.) I love my Dad and would do anything for him, which is why I'm stuck with all this. But it's too much and I'm realizing it.
Thank you all for your comments and advice.
:-)

[woofie_mooney]

We are also homeschooling our children and it can be very stressful. I would suggest joining a gym. The YMCA in our area is very nice like an upscale gym. The kids have supervised play while you work out. A yoga class, a treadmill with an ipod or just siting in a hot tub makes the day so much better. After the Y I take my kids to the library with a laptop for school. Home schooled at a small meeting room at the library gets us out of the house and establishes a routine with a dress code you can create. Dressing nice makes you feel better about yourself.

For cooking buy a bunch of chicken cause it’s easy and leftovers last a long time. Cook all of it and re use the left overs throughout the week. Also a big ham does the same thing. Ham sandwiches, ham and eggs, ham salad or ham and potatoes are always a good way to go. For the chores hire a house cleaner. Even if they simply come over and vacuum your house once a month it is totally worth it. Delegate. Pull people from your church, a simple sign asking for a tutor, babysitter or housecleaner connects with spiritual people helping you with a service and costs less than a professional.

Plan a couples date night with you and some other parents, friends from your church. Simply going out for a glass of wine and desert to a nice place with another couple will get you talking, connect with your husband and others with similar struggles. If you do this only with your husband the conversation can easily go combative and you loose all purpose of reconnecting. There is nothing wrong with having someone watch the kids while you go to your church and sit and pray. Reconnect with silence and your inner voice. When it gets drowned out you loose your identity. Those quiet moments with the Lord are very useful. He is with you and wants you to succeed.