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MJ6216 · Nov 15, 2006, 08:26 AM

I Just Recently Had Sex After Not Having It For A While. Well Its Almost Been Two Weeks And I Really Have Been Thinking That All He Did Was Use Me. And Im Sure He Did Cause Guys Say Anything To Get Laid. But You Know How When Your Drunk And The Truth Comes Out Of People. Well That's Kind of What Happened We Got Drunk And We Were At A Party And We Were Having Fun Flirting And What Not... he Was Telling Me That He Cares For Me So Much... and Mind You We Have Known Each Other For Almost Two Years And Have Always Been Attracted To Each Other Just Never Did Anything About It... so Backtracking A Little Bit... two Days Before I Went To Spend The Weekend With Him, He Had Called Me Out Of The Blue And Was Seeing How I Was Doing, I Was Telling Him That I Was Losing Weight And Changing My Hair And All That Good Stuff... and He Had Seen A Picture Of Me That Was About Four Years Old, And Asked Me If Im Going Back To That Girl And I Told Him That I Was Going To Try... so We Were Talking And He Was Pretty Much Cofessing Every Feeling That He Has Ever Had For Me... so Basically My Question Is Was It Wrong For Me To Put My Guard Down And Sleep With Him, I Didn't Think I Was Going To Feel This Bad. And How Can I Pick Myself Up Again, I FEEL USED AND IT UPSETS ME THAT I COULD BE SO STUPID. HOW CAN I MAKE Myself ESTEEM GO BACK UP WHERE IT WAS BEFORE THIS HAPPENED. PLEASE SOMEONE HELP ME!! Please Help. Im Sorry If I Confused Anyone With This!!

Krs · Nov 15, 2006, 09:26 AM

Learn from your mistakes...

I know how some men work, I came from an island which is invaded by tourists mainly in the summer, especially italians and sicilians.

When these start telling you things such as you described above these are men who should walk away from unless you just don't want the same as they do.

Its true people speak the truth when they're drunk, but believe it only when you totally know that person, not anyone.

MJ6216 · Nov 15, 2006, 09:31 AM

Well I thought we knew each other pretty well you know... ive known him for almost two years. I mean we saw each other everyday in college and when there was nothing to do he and I st there and talked! And now I don't know if I should say something to him what should I do

pumibel · Nov 15, 2006, 03:49 PM

Don't beat yourself up. It may not be how you are thinking- he may be taking time to mull it over or maybe is confused about your situation. I usually don't defend guys, but I really think that he would pull that on someone he didn't know so well.
BUT...

If he did play you, shame on him. Don't confuse your own self worth with his shallow view of intimacy, if that makes any sense.

You may have been too vulnerable for the situation even before getting tipsy. You are trying to lose weight and improve yourself, so focus on that to build yourself back up.

What do you think would have happened if alcohol had not been involved? Were you expecting a relationship to emerge at some point with this guy? It may be better that you found out now how he is. If the sex was good, at least you got something out of it.

In short, move on and don't let a man define how you feel about yourself

ordinaryguy · Nov 15, 2006, 05:41 PM

Originally Posted by pumibel

Don't beat yourself up.

If he did play you, shame on him. Don't confuse your own self worth with his shallow view of intimacy, if that makes any sense.

In short, move on and don't let a man define how you feel about yourself

No nonsense, straight to the point. I like your style, pumi. I also like your signature. Being a smartass is fine, if you're humble about it and your heart's in the right place.

pumibel · Nov 15, 2006, 05:55 PM

Thanks! I do try to stay humble...

talaniman · Nov 15, 2006, 06:42 PM

MJ- Do you think a lifestyle makeover would help?

MJ6216 · Nov 16, 2006, 06:38 AM

Originally Posted by talaniman

MJ- Do you think a lifestyle makeover would help?

What do you mean... change the entire way that i live my life

Originally Posted by pumibel

Don't beat yourself up. It may not be how you are thinking- he may be taking time to mull it over or maybe is confused about your situation. I usually dont defend guys, but I really think that he would pull that on someone he didn't know so well.
BUT...

If he did play you, shame on him. Don't confuse your own self worth with his shallow view of intimacy, if that makes any sense.

You may have been too vulnerable for the situation even before getting tipsy. You are trying to lose weight and improve yourself, so focus on that to build yourself back up.

What do you think would have happened if alcohol had not been involved? Were you expecting a relationship to emerge at some point with this guy? It may be better that you found out now how he is. If the sex was good, at least you got something out of it.

In short, move on and don't let a man define how you feel about yourself

Yes sex was good and no i wasn't expecting a relationship. And if alcohol wasn't involved i don't think that anything except kissing would have happened. I don't know i think i just more upset with myself than i am with him for the fact that i let my guard down and did that... i was doing good with not having sex for like 8months and then bam... gaurd down alcohol induced sex... so to speak

pumibel · Nov 16, 2006, 02:45 PM

If sexual abstinence was a personal goal for you, I can see why you feel disappointed with yourself, but don't be too hard on yourself. People go off the wagon. You didn't do anything terrible. You have your own reasons for celibacy, so maybe the experience can reinforce those reasons/goals to help you make your choices differently. You can spin it positive rather than overcriticizing your actions.

I am not insinuating that you are an alcoholic, but I'd suggest staying away from it if you want to maintain control in certain situations. All the non-drinkers I know avoid alcohol for exactly that reason.

MJ6216 · Nov 16, 2006, 02:55 PM

Originally Posted by pumibel

If sexual abstinence was a personal goal for you, I can see why you feel disappointed with yourself, but don't be too hard on yourself. People go off the wagon. You didn't do anything terrible. You have your own reasons for celibacy, so maybe the experience can reinforce those reasons/goals to help you make your choices differently. You can spin it positive rather than overcriticizing your actions.

I am not insinuating that you are an alcoholic, but I'd suggest staying away from it if you want to maintain control in certain situations. All the non-drinkers I know avoid alcohol for exactly that reason.

No im not an alcoholic at all... and when im drunk i usually don't do things like that! And abstinance was a personal goal for me because i have been used a lot and i didn't want that to happen and i was just pretty much not having sex until i found someone that i was going to have a decent long term relationship with!!

LUNAGODDESS · Nov 16, 2006, 03:03 PM

With face in my hands... and asking me why... what God is ruling this world...

“...And How Can I Pick Myself Up Again, I FEEL USED AND IT UPSETS ME THAT I COULD BE SO STUPID. HOW CAN I MAKE MY SELF ESTEEM GO BACK UP WHERE IT WAS BEFORE THIS HAPPENED. PLEASE SOMEONE HELP ME!!! Please Help. I’m Sorry If I Confused Anyone with This!!!...”

You had sex with someone you knew you never will be in love with... in the first place... your self esteem should never be in any human hands period... get a yell on period... as far as being stupid... you call yourself this then I will call you stupid... don’t want to have someone call you a name... do not call yourself one... you met a challenge and you survived... so blessed get over it... you are fine...

pumibel · Nov 16, 2006, 03:14 PM

I am interested in what Taliniman answers for you about the lifestyle makeover.

You know, usually when someone has the same misfortune over and over- like being hurt and used by others, there is usually something about you that is creating the situation or attracting the losers. Maybe this "lifestyle makeover" changes what is out of synch or whatever so you can recognize what attracts the wrong men.

I feel like if you just avoid sexual realtionships you are not addressing what the real problem may be. I know there is some logic to the idea that a partner who cares about you will wait for the physical part of the relationship, but so will someone who wants to use you for an extended period rather than just for one night.

Maybe a counselor can shed some light for you. You are young, too. I used to have problems with being a "doormat," but I grew out of it. Women in their thirties tend to have a better idea of what they want out of a relationship and are more assertive in finding it. Just believe in yourself and know that you deserve better.

MJ6216 · Nov 17, 2006, 07:14 AM

I Have Gone To Talk To Someone And They Said Nothing Is Wrong And Im Normal And All That Crap... so Shrinks Don't Helpp... anything Else?

Krs · Nov 17, 2006, 07:17 AM

The point of physcologists to help you talk through a lot of things in life, 1 session isn't going to solve anyone's problems.

talaniman · Nov 17, 2006, 07:41 AM

I Have Gone To Talk To Someone And They Said Nothing Is Wrong And Im Normal And All That Crap... so Shrinks Don't Helpp... anything Else?

Why are you asking for us to help if you have the answers already? What is it you really want?

valinors_sorrow · Nov 17, 2006, 07:55 AM

Forgive me Tal but I would like to answer the "lifestyle makeover" part here with your blessing, if I may? At the risk of sounding overly judgemental, let me say I think this only from having experienced it myself and I offer it as a real solution since it worked for me. This whole thing may be you giving yourself a BIG wake up call about how you are losing control of yourself. The main way I see that happening is how willing you are to say outside things are the cause of stuff, or repeated attempts to duck taking the responsibility for your actions (I did that too). People resist taking responsibility because they think two very wrong things (I thought them too):

1. It will add to a burden they have already BUT that burden is really formed by trying to dodge responsibility and from acquiring problems as a result of that dodging so it really doesn't add at all-- in fact it removes burden!

2. It will curtail some sense of freedom when in actuality, taking responsibility creates freedom. It puts the power back in our hands where it rightfully belongs and power means freedom. Of course I had to give up playing the victim and it took a while to quit talking in blame-game terms, but I got to tell you this kind of freedom tastes gooooooooooooooood!

Its possible that a way a person thinks does more to create problems than they realise (that's called denial and I did that too! LOL) and so it will take thinking differently to solve the problems. When I made changes in my thinking and began to take responsibility for me (in essence grew up), it also did this really remarkable thing of changing my social sphere gradually too and that has made an enormous difference in my life. Funny how that works!

When you become open to defining yourself as something other than a hapless pinball bouncing through life's pinball machine at the mercy of outside forces, then some change can begin.

MJ6216 · Nov 17, 2006, 10:12 AM

Originally Posted by talaniman

Why are you asking for us to help if you have the answers already? What is it you really want?

I'm basically just wondering what I can do to get myself esteem back up to where it was before this sexual encounter happened. That's all... sorry if its wrong

valinors_sorrow · Nov 17, 2006, 10:40 AM

Originally Posted by MJ6216

im basically just wondering what i can do to get my self esteem back up to where it was before this sexual encounter happened. thats all...sorry if its wrong

I don't think Tal meant that your wish is wrong. Its just that its not be possible in the manner you mean Megan. The only way I know to build self esteem is by doing esteemable things. And you clearly know already how to damage it, so nothing more needs to be said on that. I have suggested already (on another thread, I think?) that you might reduce the pain of the damage you created by learning the lesson that goes along with it, whatever that lesson is. That is the only thing I know to do. Asking for another solution because you don't like the workable solutions given is not exactly an ingratiating thing to do.

talaniman · Nov 17, 2006, 10:43 AM

Originally Posted by MJ6216

im basically just wondering what i can do to get my self esteem back up to where it was before this sexual encounter happened. thats all...sorry if its wrong

We all make mistakes, but we learn and move on. If I may be honest for a second, but watch the alcohol and the male company you keep, and focus on positive constructive activities and less partying and time should heal your wounded self esteem. Hey, I WAS young a while age(a long while, so what?) I understand fun and I can't knock you for that, but take some time for just you feeling good about yourself. LUCK!

MJ6216 · Nov 17, 2006, 10:58 AM

Well thank you! And I mean I only go out on fridays and saturdays because I have to work during the week! You know... but I don't know I'm going to try and just forget that that even happened I guess... or at least he calls me and wants to talk about it!!