[Feen0m]

Greetings,

My question has been asked many times previously I can see.

Some stats: I'm 29 y/o Male. 10 year relationship under my belt. No kids. 3 Years off and on single after my 10 year ended. Many female acquaintance's and no relationships over 6 weeks in that time. Could never make it over the hump. Never felt emotional with anyone of them and didn't want to give any of them false hope.

Her: 27. No kids. About 7-10 relationships in 10 years. One off and on for 10 years as he came in and out of the picture (the high school sweetheart). Others average 3-6 months. Never loved any of them or seen a future beyond friends. Never burnt bridges with any of them and was/is still friends with most. Great persona, great motherly traits, more sarcastic and blunt then me...

I've been with her for roughly 3 months. Initially things were great, care free. Easiest relationship I've ever been in (I'm 29). We hardly had to try, it was just plain easy. The intimacy was never ending, mainly initiated by her about 90% of the time. There was no time between her previous 2-3 month relationship and ours, they overlapped as she let him down easy. It was on it's last leg before I came onto the scene. She stays at my house Thurs-Mon morning this whole while.

Fast forward a month or two. I start feeling for this woman on an emotional level (not typical for me these past 3 years). When those feelings started to develop I started caring about her past, and past relations, slight jealousy. Questioned to myself and eventually her as to why she wasn't married with children after a good half dozen relationships of 2-3 months or more under her belt. I began to flake on her, got angry, didn't care as much, didn't know how to handle anything like this or anything beyond 6 weeks. Questioned to myself whether I was on the same path with the same possible outcome with her as her ex's.

She pleaded for another chance, cried etc. I gave the chance and things got back to normal. Shortly thereafter she go's on a mini Thanksgiving vacation without me to Florida to stay with a male College friend and meet a 2nd one while down there. She didn't want to leave me. This was planned the first few weeks of us being together. A month of further progression in our relationship passed before she left. She has "many" male friends and has done this countless times to various states. I brought her to the airport and thought nothing of it. While she was gone my cell was lost. I didn't speak or communicate with her for 2-3 days. She pleaded on Facebook to call her, misses me etc. I finally did and at that point was mad because I realized I had let her go down there in full trust, foolishly considering the situation from an outsiders perspective. Our previous argument overshadowed the fact she was going down there and hadn't been mentioned prior to her leaving. It festered as she was gone. As it was our first weekend without each other in almost 2 months.

She previously told me she never had a relationship with either of these 2 guys she was going to be hanging out with while on vacation but I sensed something else. One of which was single and was the one she was staying with. Both of which she's been friends with for a decade and went to college with.

I finally spoke to her on the phone, she told me she missed me, wanted to get an early flight back because she missed me. I told her not to spend extra money to come back early countless times, she snapped at me in the presence of one of her guy friends because I had asked her the same question repeated times. I hung up and proceeded to text her how much of a bad idea it was and poor judgment on her part to go down there and how it was rude of her to snap in front of someone who I don't know nor does he know me. I didn't know these guys and didn't think we had earned enough trust with each other to simply make such plans so early on without me. I got mad and told her I think I'm done, couldn't handle someone with such a lack of common sense and consideration for her boyfriend.

For the next 2 days she pleaded in texts, laid herself out. Begged for another chance. Told me I had nothing to worry about and please trust her. That I was right about it being poor judgement. How she's fallen for me. Doesn't want anyone else and that she loves me.

I stood firm, picked her up from the airport intending to bring her home rather then 50 miles south to my house. She begged, cried, pleaded for another chance. I relented AGAIN. We have a looooong talk about her past, she tells me most everything. Even things that would dissuade me from having further interest just to earn trust with me. Things I'd never ask of her. She confesses she's never felt for someone this way before and has never felt or told anyone other than her first love that she loved him until me. (I know this is feasible, I haven't either) Her confessions were spot on accurate, even things she doesn't know I knew..

We stay at my house, she has stomach pains, weeping non stop even though were reconciled. We sleep it off. I wake the next day to her not being in the bed. I find her cleaning my house, still weeping. She didn't sleep a wink. She then tells me she changed her number and erased her Myspace and Facebook and messaged her 10 year off and on first love in Facebook to never contact her again. That she doesn't want anything to jeopardize our relationship etc and never attempt to contact her again. Never calls her friends in Florida to say she arrived safely.

Things get back on track, not much was lost and no visible resentment on her part.

Fast forward 2 weeks. Things are great, she tells me how much she loves me etc etc. Spend every moment with each other. Her and I contemplate her moving in with me. She agree's and has no hesitation. Admits she's never lived with a boyfriend before never mind this early. We spend 4 days a week sleeping at each other's places as is.

Something doesn't sit well with me about the vacation trip. She leaves for work one morning and I feel odd, instincts in overdrive. I attempt to fish something out of her. I pretend I found something out and act irritated. I inquire about her male friends names she stayed with. She acts curious but tells me their names after a short pause via text. After she tells me, I respond saying something like "Funny, once upon a time I told you I always find out the truth. No matter what, once again I was lied to". Proceeded to erase photo's from Facebook etc based on her odd behavior. The way it unfolded was just odd. I acted on unfounded evidence. Mean but I had to.. The last time I had feelings like this was over my cheating 10 year ex, which proved to be right.

I get no response by her nor do I respond to her. She then tells me she noticed I erased our photo's etc. Asks whether I'm ever going to talk to her again over two days. I don't reply for 2 days. I finally speak to her 2 days later. Her mood is somber, not crying. Acts tired, worn out. Lack of energy to try anymore. I simply ask her if there was anything she wanted to tell me. She says no. I ask her once more, did you ever have a relationship with either male friend she went to visit. She pauses. I rephrase the question and ask if she was ever intimate. She confesses. Tells me she had a short fling and slept with one of them while in college 5-6 times 2002-2003 (not the one she stayed with on vacation). The other one she had a crush on in college. Did nothing more then make out with him once 8 years ago. Never slept with him. No reunions since, no relationships wanted. Strictly friends ever since.

She was fully forthcoming. Didn't quit on me or want to bail rather than be grilled, again..

I don't get mad. I actually gain trust for her even more. She admits she wanted to tell me. Didn't initially because there was nothing there, never was and that it's been almost a decade and they're her friends. Also says, that we weren't very serious when she made the plans in the first few weeks. She didn't tell me during our fight because she was petrified of my reaction, didn't want it all to end there and then and know it would've based on everything.

At this point she doesn't quite come back like she did in previous fights. She is distant. Intimacy drops significantly. She acts mad and resentful. Takes on a more sarcastic persona. Tells me it's going to take some time for "old sweet version" to come back. That a wall went up after everything. At this point she is wearing the pants in my eyes. I fully trust her and now she go's on the offensive. Tells me she isn't a confrontational type. Can't be with someone who is. That she's told me everything about her past and If I'm not happy where we stand then tell her. I agree we're good etc. The only resentment she admits to is how I can ask questions and expect immediate honest replies but when she asks me I beat around the bush or can't remember.. I really can't.

It's been 3 weeks, we've had half sex twice opposed to at least once each time we see each other. I don't try at all with her. Nor does she. It's almost as if she's afraid to try out of pride or because of the loss of comfort. She gets annoyed with me quick, constantly asks me if I'm mad, annoyed etc in a nice accommodating manner. Trying to be overly analytical, accommodating (other then sex). I constantly tell her it's my evil eye brows and hot and cold persona. Nothing to worry about, it's just dumb facial impressions and not my true feelings. She's hardly ever convinced and keeps asking "are you sure?".

We've been inching back ever since. Gone out etc, she's been REAL hot and cold with hugging, hand holding, kisses and I love you's. Most of which she's been the only initiator though. I don't want to rock the boat. One day I'll get texts spilling her guts about missing me and loving me, all on her own. Other days when I act loving she doesn't. It's almost as if she only does it when I start to act disinterested or when I stop trying. She's always telling me to text her, wanting me to come see her etc. As I type this she texted me that she misses me from work. If I don't say I love you back she gets annoyed.

This past weekend she texted me on Monday she had a great time with me this weekend, loves me, misses me. On one of our nights out she told me that the only other guy she's ever thought about having kids with other then her 10 year off and on was me. Nobody else. Nor has she loved or muttered those words to any other and went into detail how it was a problem with some of her ex's that she never did etc.

As far as her moving in. We never spoke of it for 2-3 weeks until this past weekend. She admitted our last fight spooked her about future fights that could kick her to the curb or the street and it was to early in the relationship to move in. Although she is in a sticky situation where she has to move within a couple of months.

Your thoughts? Any advice?

After this debacle I realize I truly can love again. I've put her past behind me. Live for today, tomorrow is not guaranteed motto. I'd just hate to see this cookie cutter relationship trail she's left to happen to us, hence my issues with her past and her ability to be friends with past lovers. My only request of her is not have dealings with any of them anymore, while with me. I was burned in my 10 year stint due to something similar. A month earlier she got the cue, hence deleting Facebook, myspace and changing her number. She's since remade her Facebook but omitted any guys that fall under that category, it's her only means of contact with many many friends. Friends of her ex's were still present though which I said was fine with me. None of the deleting was ever my idea or ever even spoken of, all on her own...

I'd like to make this work, I love this woman and every aspect of her. I want to break down the wall I created and be happy. She certainly has a lot of resilience for our relationship if she's still trucking away after all these grilling's. My patience is more of the issue now. Help?

[redhed35]

I think perhaps it might be too little too late..

she's been friends with these guys for 10 years,way before you,and because of your jealousy and mistrust she erased them from her life..

you tricked her by playing mind games into admitting things that were of no value to the relationship... she didn't do anything..

you have hurt her,made her cry,she has begged and pleaded with you,and now that YOU are finally satisfied you want thing s to be hunky dory...

to be honest I don't blame her for being distant,or being scared of moving in,it sounds as if you have broken the poor women.

I don't know if the relationship can be salavged after all the mind games...

I would suggest she does not move in with you,and you both respect each others space and friends..

be honest with each other and communicate,it would seem you have some left over baggage of your own,work on that...

[jmooney527]

All of this has happened in 3 months time? That sounded like a 5 year relationship by all the events. It seems from the get-go things have been extremely rocky between you two.

I wouldn't move in together until you can get past your trust issues (maybe therapy?). You need to learn to be open and honest with each other, and it seems like you judge and go a little overboard when an argument occurs. It's good that you want to protect yourself from being hurt again, but you're wearing down the girl you supposedly love. If you continue the way you do, she'll start resenting you.

Take a step back and cool down from this relationship. It seems you two have been going full force since the beginning. Try to be more open and honest with her and not attack her so much... work on your trust issues too because nothing will ever get better if you don't.

Best of luck!

[talaniman]

Your not ready for an adult relationship, not with her any way. You have a lot of issues to overcome that will stop you from being a great partner to any one.

As I was reading your post, I get the sense that your fears and insecurity gets in the way of your common sense and leads you down the path of impulsive immature, game playing.

Didn't think we had earned enough trust with each other to simply make such plans so early on without me

That intrusion into her privacy (making choices without your permission or counsel) blew my mind, and hope you don't move in together as I feel you will get worse and make each other miserable.

If you have all these issues now, I can't imagine what your 6 month anniversary will be like.

[Feen0m]

i think perhaps it might be too little too late..

shes been friends with these guys for 10 years,way before you,and because of your jealousy and mistrust she erased them from her life..

you tricked her by playing mind games into admitting things that were of no value to the relationship.....she didnt do anything..

you have hurt her,made her cry,she has begged and pleaded with you,and now that YOU are finally satisfied you want thing s to be hunky dory....

to be honest i dont blame her for being distant,or being scared of moving in,it sounds as if you have broken the poor women.

i dont know if the relationship can be salavged after all the mind games...

i would suggest she does not move in with you,and you both respect each others space and friends..

be honest with each other and communicate,it would seem you have some left over baggage of your own,work on that...

It's pretty easy to give advice whether unbiased or not, when it comes to giving yourself advice, not so easy...

I appreciate this answer. I agree with it completely. I wish I hadn't gone the route I did.

[redhed35]

Actually its not really that easy to give advice... you have to think about what your saying,if you can back it up and defend it if needs be.

As regards your relationship,do you think its healthy?

What's done is done.

I do think perhaps time on your own would benefit you,get some perspective,see how your behaviour was destructive.

I'm not having a go at you,we all have faults,and we all have had to deal with past hurt and emotional baggage,but yours has soured the relationship,you need to deal with it,look at the trust issues you have,and the insecurities you have,you'll be a better you and a better future partner for it.

[Feen0m]

actually its not really that easy to give advice...you have to think about what your saying,if you can back it up and defend it if needs be.

as regards your relationship,do you think its healthy?

whats done is done.

i do think perhaps time on your own would benefit you,get some perspective,see how your behaviour was destructive.

im not having a go at you,we all have faults,and we all have had to deal with past hurt and emotional baggage,but yours has soured the relationship,you need to deal with it,look at the trust issues you have,and the insecurities you have,you'll be a better you and a better future partner for it.

I agree completely. I'd like to approach this with a fresh start if she'll have me. Unfortunately my issues were satisfied as she re-built her wall. It hurts to know that she hurt.

I am over her past. I have no issues with her communicating with anyone and everyone, I do trust her. Too little, too late though? She to this day still makes weekly plans for us, some as far out as April. Even after the bickering etc. She just asked me to go to Vegas with her and her mother at the end of February... She routinely plans to stay at my place Friday through Sunday, still... I don't plan it or ask. Just assumes it. Sunday I stay at her place and she also assumes that..

Anytime, in a cute, fooling tone I mention how "sweet soandso" went MIA, her simple reply was "Win her back".

I'm being myself. I'm still sarcastic with her. I don't go overboard trying to be kiss *ss to make up for my ridiculous behavior. One other thing she continuously mentions is that she feels as though she is easily disposed. I can't imagine why she feels that way. I don't run away from deep talks with her or bail. How can I fix this mindset? I constantly tell her my feelings in comparison to my past for her are the best yet.

Aside from my personal issues and lack of common sense due to fears and insecurities from my past relationships, what path should I take? How can I redeem myself beside taking a step back and reflect on my behavior? I want to be better, now and forever regardless of the outcome of this relationship. It would've been great hadn't it been for my imature games.

How should I begin the healing process with this woman, if there is still a chance? Which I'm pretty sure there is directly on her part. She admits it will never be as easy as it once was. We openly talk about her past relations now whenever a story of hers happens to tie in. I'm legit and open minded about it naturally, not forced. It's almost like she's testing my reactions versus before. I've asked her if she wanted to quit, if it's to hard for her. She said no, that she wants to drop any and all issues and move on with me and for me to stop making things hard, go with the flow.

The only other thing I've failed to mention is her concern about how I seemingly got mad so quickly, or cold so quickly. Which on the surface it may look like the case, but wasn't. I've never yelled, never called her names. Dam these inherited facial expressions!

She told me that from our bickering it'll take her some time, weeks to get over my associated angry reaction of mine during our fights versus today and if/when it pops up in the future..

Upon reflection I recall her telling me "She feels defeated". This was after the 2nd to last issue about her omitting any relations with her Florida male friends. I wish she had told me beforehand.

Advice on what I should do next aside from creating some breathing room for us both? Which she said she didn't want..

[redhed35]

Honesty,the truth,communication,listening,living in the middle.. (not high dramas and low lows all the time)

Your not going to get back what you had,try as you may..

I would worry that she has become a little needy,but I'm going to put that down to the past rows.

If now she feels she has to explain herself or is walking on eggshells,that's going to be hard to get over.

From your post it seems she is making plans and getting on with things,I would suggest she not move in with you.

Let the relationship develop at its own pace and nurture it to grow...

In such a short space of time a lot has happened.

Talk to her, make the boundries clear for both of you,mutual respect and understanding from both parties is so important...

You both have a lot of ground to make up if this is going to work,and you both have a lot of issues to get through.

[Cat1864]

Feen0m, You are putting all of your emotional baggage on this woman expecting her to carry it for you. Why she has accepted any of it, I don't know other than she must care a lot about you.

You seem to have the belief that she has/had to atone for her past to make you feel better. Why should she remake her life to suit you? What are you actually doing besides tearing her apart to BUILD the relationship?

Your whole 'question' points out over and over that you haven't shown that you actually care about her. You have been too busy making her into what you want her to be. She is now walking on eggshells around you and you still make it sound like she was the one who made you act the way you did by talking about your 'patience' being an issue as though you have to watch out for her doing something wrong.

If this relationship does turn into one of 'her cookie cutter relationships', it isn't because of her. It is self-fulfilling prophesy on your part.

IF you truly want this relationship to work, you need to sit down with her and have a discussion where YOU come clean about your issues (not necessarily your past, but the issues that the past has left you with like jealousy and quick to jump to conclusions) and apologize to her for treating her like your ex. You both talk and listen to EACH OTHER. Not just you getting her to 'confess' her 'sins'. LISTEN and take to heart how she feels about your relationship. Accept that she may be very upset with good reason. WORK TOGETHER to BUILD the relationship. No more wall building. Open up to her. Put yourself in the hot seat.

[talaniman]

Whether you think her thinking is reasonable or not, you still have to listen and understand what she is thinking and why.

You have to have a lot better control over yourself, so you can listen, and be open as Cat says about your efforts at that control so she will understand and support your efforts.

Honest communications is something that has to develop through work, and effort, by both partners, and getting carried away by your own emotional turmoil defeats that purpose.

It also takes time, so slow down, and do the work between you, to get to that level. It's a learning process, for sure.