[emo_thug88]

I saw her and her crimson lips and her vicious smile that made me melt to the ground she stood on. Her eyes were like a rare fossil jewel that I could only hope but catch a glimpse of. She had hair that seemed to flow perfectly with the air that surrounded her. She was perfect, she was solid in every shape and form. The kind of girl that only seemed to be in your dreams. She wore a heart of gold and she would understand my love for her. She will love me. She will love me like I have loved her. She will love me for all of my flaws and all of my mistakes. I saw her and she looks better than ever before. Today is the day let love embrace. Let love unfold. She Doesn't even know its coming.

I see her every Wednesday at 3 o clock at the coffee shop on 12th and Fremont st. She orders a double shot espresso and an almond biscotti. I see her today and I know this is the day to talk to her. It’s a cold day in New Jersey and its hard to breathe when I see her. I go into the coffee shop despite the fact that I hate coffee and get in line right behind my love. I want to start a conversation but I go blank at the fact she’s so close to me. I can taste her. I impulsively say

“Some Weather were having don’t ya think,”stupid you sound like your grandfather.
“I like the cold it means Christmas is coming and means I get lots of presents.”She cutely replies, She’s so perfect.
“Well hey im Grant would you like to sit with me I don’t wanna drink this coffee alone and I see your alone.”
“I see no harm in that”
Your already mine love and I know your going to fall just like I have for you

Her name was memory I ask where she’s from and she said she’s from Lousiana and moved to Jersey when she was 19 after Katrina. She had lost everyone in the flood and moved her to get away from the south. She was so close I could almost taste her. She asked about me. I told her the necessities
“Im Grant and im uhh 21 Im Jersey born and raised. My parents are together but miserable like all old people.”She laughs at me.
Her laughter puts me at ease. And things start to get easier. We laugh and laugh we exchange laughter and feelings. I feel like I’ve known her my whole life and she’s what's been missing the whole time. We talk about growing up and how we wish we could go back to middle school where are biggest problems were if we were going to get asked out of not. We were connecting on such a bigger level than your rather random date. She looks at her watch.
“Oh god look at the time im late for an appointment,”she says in a disapointed tone.
“Well could I give you a lift,”I eagerly reply.
“Sure it beats riding with Osama in the taxi.”
I laugh and we get into my 97' Toyota Camry. Its not great but it gets me from point a to b. I drive her 20 miles to downtown and I enjoy every second of it. We get to her office and I pull in. I put the car in park and tell her if I can see her again or if I can call her.
“Look I think you’re a really nice guy”
Oh here it goes Im ready to ing explode
“But im in a relationship and I don’t want to lead you on but here’s my number we can be friends...is that ok.”she says with a smile.
It would have been nice to hear that 20 miles ago.
“Yeah sure that would be nice ill give you a call...uhhh sometime..ok...ummm bye.”
She thanks me and she’s gone. I go home and park my car and talk a walk around in the cold. Its even colder than it was before. The air that was once hard to breathe in is even thicker. Its harder to breathe its harder to speak... to live. I decide to go and watch her and wait for her to get off work so I can talk to her. I wait... and wait... AND WAIT. Finally she comes out and as I begin to approach her I see him. He is dressed in a suit one someone important would wear. He has a close clean shave with short brown hair. He is a handsome man one that is way better looking than me. Im in blue jeans and a button up flannel shirt. Im scruffy with long hair. Nothing too special. Nothing close to his extent. I watch him as he wraps his arms around her and spins her in the air. I look at her face she looks like a kid in a toy store. She is happy. She is glee and Im not the one making her feel that way and I hate it. I watch them as they drive off in his BMW. I start to choke and I don’t know why I knew she was taken what was I expecting. I drove back to my small crummy apartment. I unlocked all 4 locks and walked in. I look down at the carpet I walk on its stained by cigarette’s and red stains which are god knows what and I get sick to my stomach. I go to the bathroom and look at myself in the mirror. I see myself and I quickly put my fist through that mirror. I take a razor and shave till I'm clean as he is. I cut my hair till its as short as his is. I go to my closet and put on the only suit I have which was for my grandmother’s funeral and I put it on. I forget that I just put my hand through glass and I look down and see the blood from my hand and I realized... it feels good. I want everyone to feel the way I do. All the pain and the loneliness I’ve felt my whole life. They will know espicially her.


I pace and smoke trying to think... Think.. Think.. THINK.. Puff. The nicotine runs through my veins and I start to shake. I decide what needs to happen. It’s the only way she can see how much she means to me. She doesn’t understand. But oh she will. I go to the bank and take out as much money as I can. I take out a couple of thousand. I go to the pawn shop and buy a snub nose revolver. It has a pearl handle its shiny and cold to the touch. I look at that gun and its small but powerful its sooo me. I haggle with the guy and get him to give it to me for a grand. I go to Walmart and buy the rest of my necessities for my Inquestion. I buy black nylon rope, bullets, and of course duct tape for all my needs. I go to the cashier and the look she gave me when she saw all that stuff was a look of nothing special. A ing Wal Mart in south Jersey it wasn't common to see stuff like that. Still shocking she didn't ask any question which is sort of expected. In Jersey nobody saw nuthin no one knows nuthin. We live by that mantality and we die by it. I take my merchandise and put it in the trunk of my car. I go to the dope house its been so long sice the last time I’ve pushed off. I wanted to get that feeling I just had too. I went in and bought a half. It was so tasty. I got in my car pulled out and pulled out an old burnt up spoon from under the seat. I put some in it put a little water and cooked it up. The smell made me want to cream my pants. I pulled the smack into the syringe and took my belt and wraped it around my arm. I wait for a vein. There's one. Push in, Pull Back, Push In. Ahhhhh instantly my head falls I got the feel. Im invincible. Use Once and Destroy that's the ing story of my life. I started thinking there in the car as I let the drug take over my body, about my childhood. I remember when I was 12 after my father got out of prison for dealing coke he came and took me on a road trip all through the south to see a friend of the family. We went to Houston Texas and stayed with Anthony a cool black guy I had known for a while. When we were there I noticed my dad shot a lot of dope. I didn't know it at the time but time went on I got cool to it quick. At first he hid it but soon he forgot. One night we were sleeping and he threw the covers off the bed and said,
“You got some Money.”
“Yeah I got a lil why? What for Pops?”said a questioning son.
“Come on lets go,”he said.
With no idea on what he was talking about I agreed and got dressed. My father drove a Caddilac and in it no matter what with him driving even at all hours of the night with drunks and freaks out I felt safe. We drove for 30 minutes and finally got to what I like to call the ing ghetto of the ghetto. He asks me for the 40 dollars I asked for what and he screams, “JUST GIMME THE IN MONEY.” I was scared and I gave it too him. He came back with 2 little plastic almost bubble gum wrapper looking sticky tar. Heroin. It all made sense to me now. He didn't even wait till we were home. Right there in the car he pushed off. He told me to try it. Id like it he said. I was to scared to tell him no. I let him do it for me and he stuck me in the arm and it hurt. It hurt. It hurt. It... feels good. Everything got hot and everything was OK. I looked out the window the whole ride home and watched the street lights fade together. I saw cars pass me bye and time slow down. I loved this. I wanted to be like this forever. I started banging Heroin all the time with my pops. Ill never forget when we were strapped for cash. This girl we shot dope with Leila we would let her go into these Wetback Clubs and tell the guys lets go outside and . Wetbacks don’t trust banks they think their going to get t deported and take their money. Therefore they keep it on them all the time. So she would bring them out and pops would take a pipe and hit them in the back of the head and take the cash from them. Ill always remember when Leila brought out the biggest ing Mexican id never seen. He had arms like snakes. His neck over took his head. My Pops told me, “I need you for this one.” He handed me a brick and said, “If we don’t we don’t get fed.” He went behind him and struck him in the back of the head. He fell to his knees his eyes were still open and he looked at me. Pops screamed, “Whata ya standin there for hit em!” I took the brick and hit him in the top of his head. He went down hard. I dropped the brick and started to freak.
“

[excon]

Hello Emo:

If it's worth starting, it's worth finishing. Maybe the next one will be better. Maybe this one will get published. Maybe you're better off selling vacuums, Who knows? But, keep on writing. I liked what I read. And, you'll get better.

excon

[Bluerose]

I got a wonderful piece of advice from a teacher once who liked an essay of mine. He told me to write. But I told him two pages don't make a book. He said, "Don't think about it, just write. Write and write and write. If you spend too much time thinking about whether it is good enough, it will never get finished." It doesn't matter how good it is, the important thing is to finish it and send it out into the universe. With positive thoughts, to find it's own way.

[augustknight]

Too much in too little space. And drop that first person narrative like a bad habit.

[scatterbrain]

First person, I think, is more personal. Although I have to say it seems like you thought out very carefully what you wanted to write, in doing so you use a lot of cliché phrases. And you repeat yourself a lot. It has potential. You just need to write. And stop thinking so hard about what you're doing.

Write what's in your head,
And then go back and edit mistakes.

Otherwise.
It's good.