[trulytrying]

I am a manipulative person... and I don't even realize I'm doing it at times.
I want to overcome it. Where do I start? How can I root this behavior out of me?
I take advantage of people's kindness--they feel good about themselves not realizing that I have "worked" them. It's shameful and I want to completely rid myself of
Manipulation. How?? What do I do?

[Boricua1]

Go out of your way to be kind to others... do something unselfish.. volunteer with people.. try doing something that will benefit you indirectly... if you make a conscious effort to make someone else happy and expect nothing else in return... this is the opposite of manipulation..

Or you could be drastic and put yourself in positions where you can't manipualte anyone.. Like join the military or a group activity in which you have to be the follower, and not in any group leadership position something where the focus is never placed solely on you and cannot be shifted to you.. then you are at a total loss of control... it's never about you... I hope this helps..

Or hang around harder people... maybe you are around too many people who need to or like to be led controlled or manipulated...

[trulytrying]

Thank you for your reply. : )
It's encouraging to see that your first paragraph I do already...
But, where I place myself I hadn't considered. I'm attracted to strong people and prefer their company. I think you're right about being around folks who wouldn't allow it.
Thank you--that helps. I want it rooted out... it's like the opposite of humility.

[Jake2008]

Not an easy thing to admit that you tend to manipulate people. I'd say that's half the battle right there, to say you want to change that trait about yourself.

Interestingly enough, I googled 'how to stop manipulating people', and there were over 9,000,000 ways on how to manipulate people!

What is interesting to think about is that people who manipulate other people, usually do that for a purpose, to get something in return. Abusers manipulate for control for example, but (not saying you abuse anybody by any stretch here), there has to be a need there somewhere.

What are some of the typical situations you are in that involves control through manipulation. A wife/husband, co-workers, friends?

If you can narrow the behaviour down to a few specifics, we can try to tackle them.

[trulytrying]

Thank you Jake08 :)
I'm going by what my minister told me about myself. He said that I am manipulative and I'm actually suspended from Church right now--for over 3 months and I won't be able to go back till February... So, I've been thinking about it a lot (to say the least).
One way that I can think of is at a pub where I play music... the people there know that I am a single mother and grandmother and that I am the sole support of my family--so when I go, although I am prepared to pay my own way for whatever I eat or drink--people buy it for me--and I let them. I go to pay and it's already been paid for. Sometimes I don't even know by who (or is it whom?). But my minister wouldn't know that, so it must be manifesting in other ways that I am not aware of. I feel like I've "worked" them somehow because of the outcome--they pay and I don't. Last time it happened I asked the bartender about it--I told her I don't intentionally do that--she said she KNOWS I don't--and that I'm just lucky like that. I know that I've manipulated the fellow I've been dating for almost 2 years to stay when he wanted to go by becoming emotional so he wouldn't leave me in a bad state. I don't know. I really don't. I've been blessed to have a speeding ticket dropped in court--by explaining my family and financial situation. Was that manipulative? I don't know. My minister said I'm not even aware of how manipulative I am. Maybe I'm blind to my own self... maybe he's wrong. UGH. I'm so sad over this. Being suspended means I can't go to Church and I can't talk to anyone in the Church--including my darling. So I have to really think about this so when I meet with them I'll have something to say. I don't want to admit to something that isn't so--but if it is so--I want to know so I can rid myself of it. I am an "alpha female" and tend to be a leader--but does that mean manipulative? Thank you for "listening" and for your input.

[Jake2008]

Many moons ago, I worked in bars too. Whether I gave them good service or not, I was always paid 'extra' by way of tips, and I never questioned it- it helped pay my way through college. I don't see how you accepting different kind of tips for providing entertainment, is any different. If they thought you sucked, they wouldn't be buying you a peanut. You are not singing 'special' songs to people you know will buy you a meal- that would be manipulative. You are not doing anything wrong at all.

The speeding ticket is another thing. You could do a lap dance for the Judge, and that would probably not let you off the hook. In other words, nothing you say or do can predict the outcome of a speeding ticket. You can't manipulate people to that level without them in turn, throwing the book at you for trying to manipulate them with emotion in the first place!

As to your boyfriend. Relationships are in a different ballpark I think. He chose to stay. He could have left and never came back. You may have done what many of us are guilty of, and laid a big guit trip on him with tears and pleading, but that would only be short lived anyway, you can't cry and plead 24/7 It sounds like you are still with him, so something is keeping you together, and maybe it's not bad at all!

As to your minister. I have no idea what kind of church you belong to, but it does seem unusual to hear someone is banned, and that includes not talking to anyone in the church? That seems like an old fashioned 'outing' for committing a horrible crime. Did he give you any particular reason, or was there something more specific that happened?

From what you have described as being manipulative, to the consequence of being banned from your church and friends, including your boyfriend, either there is a lot more to the story, or the minister is off his rocker.

And by the way, a strong woman is not a negative trait, especially when you are a single mother making your way in this world. I am a strong woman, and so are all my female friends. That does not make us not nice people!

[trulytrying]

Thank you so much for what you've written. I'm willing to examine myself in the things they are telling me and want to change if there is validity to what they're saying. After reading your post I realize I just accepted it and took it on myself as true. There is more to the story and really I think I'm being misread by the ministry.
My regional Pastor lives in Florida, and my "local" minister lives in Tennessee... I live in North Carolina. They have a huge territory to cover and have to count on reports from local congregations as to the goings on. I only see them every couple months when they make it up here.
I have been the subject of gossip for a while now, and I've been "quoted" as saying things I absolutely never said.
Those "quotes" have put a label of "covetous" on me that is soooo far from the truth. If you could see how simply I live you would know I'm not into "stuff and things" or riches.
I decorate with rocks and wood and feathers--God's things not fancy man made stuff. They (the gossips) think I want to marry my darling for his money--HA! For one thing he doesn't have any money! And I love him for the awesome humble wonderful man he is. Although he has a nice 3 bedroom home--the bank really owns it! Our dream home is a one room cabin with a wood stove. Simple and humble. He is putting his house up for sale so we can have that simple little place when we marry. So, the ministry--going on these reports of me supposedly saying "such and such" thus labeling me covetous, think I am manipulating my sweet man so I can have "security" and his money.
Oh that makes me mad--it's so insulting to both him and to me. Like I said, maybe they see something I don't--maybe I am a manipulator... but really I think it's a misunderstanding based on gossip from jealous women. How flippin' juvenile. I love my church and my brethren--even these ladies that have been a thorn in my side. Changing affiliations is not an option for me. It's just that I trust what the ministry says... but I think in this instance they are wrong. The reason I have to stay out so long is I have to be invited back by the Regional Pastor and he won't be in my area until Feb. 1st. So here I sit, and stew, and ponder, and question myself. I can see how they came to their conclusion about me--but it isn't accurate. I'm going to study about manipulative personalities and see where I fit and where I don't. Thank you for your perspective as it has helped me change mine from just accepting that label to questioning it's validity. Time, study and prayer will reveal the truth to me. People can kid themselves about themselves, so judging oneself can be tricky business. I'm going to work this out here in this forum and I wholeheartedly thank you for your time and effort.
Love,
True

[Jake2008]

I am pleased for you that you are going to really investigate and think about this label they have put on you. Covetous, by definition, seems to be directly opposite to how you describe yourself, and your relationship and goals with your boyfriend. I am confused as to how that label can be applied and influential enough that you are booted from your church as 'punishment'.

It is very true that judging oneself is a near impossible task. But, it seems to me that those that judge you, should also be doing a little soul searching to see why they did what they did.

I really hope that this hasn't got you down too much; and keep in mind that they could be all wrong.

Believe in yourself.

[Gemini54]

Hi trulytrying, I have no idea about whether you are manipulative or not, as we have only your perspective on what you say about yourself and what you say other people say about you.

Your subsequent posts seem to paint a different picture to the one in your initial posts - I'm a little confused as to why you would so easily move from asking how you can be less manipulative to observing that you are in fact, hardly manipulative at all?

There are some things in your post that ring a little odd to me - I mean who actually wants to live in a one room cabin with a wooden stove these days? What sort of ministry do you belong to that covers 3 states, and one which has the power to tell you not to speak to anyone else? And, if you are a so called 'alpha' female, why do belong to such a ministry? - it seems the complete opposite of the sort of person you describe yourself to be...

My questions are not meant to be offensive, it's juts that to me, much of what you've written in your subsequent posts doesn't make sense to me...

[trulytrying]

I understand your questions--and my answers have flip-flopped around--as has my head on the matter! (insert whimper here). I'm an alpha female that is learning humility and submissiveness. From being a single parent for so long I'm used to being the boss, and it's my basic nature to lead... but it has been suggested to me to learn to be more meek and gentle (by the same ministers) and I agree--it's scriptural. I believed them when they said I am manipulative but after really thinking about it--I'm not sure if they are right or wrong. I think maybe they are right and I'm just not seeing how... they said I don't even realize it. Then again I think they're wrong! Ugh!! I really don't know. I posed my question as if it were so, so that I can get sound feedback on how to change it if it actually is my nature. As far as the cabin goes--that's truly my ideal living situation--a wood stove and spring water--that way there's no dependency on "the grid" and I can cook, eat, bathe and be warm as long as I have water and a wood stove... (and wood and food!) I don't want a bunch of stuff--I want to keep it simple. I'd prefer a horse over a car too. :)
I recognize that they don't have the whole picture--they aren't around enough... but I do learn a lot from them and am willing to at least consider what they are saying.
Does this make sense? The label of covetous I do not accept! But manipulative... I want to examine it. If it's so, I want to be rid of it. I guess it's obvious that I am confused.

[Jake2008]

I don't know that people can change their nature of being a leader, to being meek and gentle. You are who you are. You aren't manipulating people, in order to use them for financial or other gain, and you aren't a bigshot investor or something on Wall Street, manipulating and controlling things to suit yourself.

If you are comfortable saying, what church is this that you belong to? I know of no mainstream church that would boot you for not measuring up to their standards of who you should be.

Coming from the far North in Canada, I can identify with a simpler, less cluttered life. If you ever get to that place, I'd like to suggest you buy a hunting rifle, you'll need it.

[Gemini54]

Hi again trulytrying, it occurs to me that you may be trying to be something that you are not.

Again, I mean no offense, but it is in the nature of some Ministries to keep their 'flock' tamed and docile, so if in fact you are an alpha female (which is a judgment in itself) then clearly you are nor suited to this Ministry. Why would you want to learn 'submissiveness' for crying out loud? If you are searching for spirituality then there are much more sensible and modern thoughts to be found in Buddhism, and if you are searching for community then perhaps you could join a book group, do some volunteering or join an environmentalist group.

To be perfectly honest I can understand your wish to live more simply or have a 'tree change' but in reality how sustainable is it? A horse instead of a car? Burning the trees for warmth and fuel? A shotgun on the front porch? And, where would your income come from?

As for the original question of being manipulative - are you certain that the elders from the Ministry are the appropriate people to make this judgment? What does your partner say? Your family? Your friends? These are the people who know you best and who, hopefully can be most honest with you without an 'agenda'.

Self examination and reflection are an integral part of being a sane human being, but they do depend on the context. You are being asked to look at yourself, but is it for your benefit or theirs?

[trulytrying]

Hi
I've concluded that I am no more manipulative than the average person and that I have been unfairly and inaccurately labeled.
Also, I realize that I've tended to believe what people say about me and taken it as truth when it isn't necessarily so. I'm not going to allow people's opinions or labels to throw me through a loop like this again. I ought to know my own self a little better! I know the subject was worth examining--and I have concluded that I'm okay!
Thanks to you all for your input!
True.

[LyraArtemis]

There are only two statements you;ve made that sound like manipulative behavior to me.

"I know that I've manipulated the fellow I've been dating for almost 2 years to stay when he wanted to go by becoming emotional so he wouldn't leave me in a bad state."

"I posed my question as if it were so, so that I can get sound feedback on how to change it if it actually is my nature. "

Overly exaggerating an emotional outburst or timing one specifically to be disruptive is manipulative. I've seen this used to get out of instances where there was a real issue that needed to be dealt with and talked about. Using tears to manipulate others is different from crying for the release that it gives.

Posing your question with a slant wasn't hurtful to anybody but this is a form of manipulative behavior.

I hope that was helpful. Keep your chin up!

[Argentlady]

Hmmmm... I get the feeling I'm being manipulated into reassuring you that you are not manipulative. Manipulative people are generally dependent personalities. They are constantly asking others for advice but somehow that advice ends up being exactly what they wanted to hear in the first place. Dependent people want everyone around them to agree with them and they want all their decisions to be approved. They often seem strong and 'alpha' but that is a façade. They often volunteer to do things and try to become indispensable to those around them and seem to be leaders but, in fact, that is an attempt to insert themselves into the power circle. They refuse confrontation. You may say anything negative about them and they will agree -- gladly agree -- but under the agreement is resentment. The first chance they get they will turn around and stab the person who has humiliated them in the back. They are sneaky and will never stand toe to toe to settle a disagreement. They wait and get back at people. They get a feeling of power from manipulating people into doing things for them, especially things they know that person does not want to do. You call your boyfriend your 'darling' but he is willing to avoid you on the say-so of your minister. That has to hurt. If I were either of these men I would be on guard right now because I'll bet dollars to doughnuts you are going to get revenge on both.

[knuckleduster]

It sounds to me like it is you who is being manipulated. You are clearly a conscientious person, which makes u vulnerable to manipulation. Perhaps the minister is jealous of your leadership skills?

[trulytrying]

Hmmmm.... I get the feeling I'm being manipulated into reassuring you that you are not manipulative. Manipulative people are generally dependant personalities. They are constantly asking others for advice but somehow that advice ends up being exactly what they wanted to hear in the first place. Dependant people want everyone around them to agree with them and they want all their decisions to be approved. They often seem strong and 'alpha' but that is a facade. They often volunteer to do things and try to become indispensible to those around them and seem to be leaders but, in fact, that is an attempt to insert themselves into the power circle. They refuse confrontation. You may say anything negative about them and they will agree -- gladly agree -- but under the agreement is resentment. The first chance they get they will turn around and stab the person who has humiliated them in the back. They are sneaky and will never stand toe to toe to settle a disagreement. They wait and get back at people. They get a feeling of power from manipulating people into doing things for them, especially things they know that person does not want to do. You call your boyfriend your 'darling' but he is willing to avoid you on the say-so of your minister. That has to hurt. If I were either of these men I would be on guard right now because I'll bet dollars to doughnuts you are going to get revenge on both.

Um... No. Not accurate (for me) in the least. Could be a bit offensive actually, because it is so off and contrary to my nature but then, you don't know me so it's okay. I'll take confrontation (which usually leads to conflict resolution) any day over pretend politeness or acting like nothing is wrong. And, revenge? Not my style. Wrong, but thank you for your thoughts. They may apply to someone reading and might be helpful to them. Kind of sounds like you've been burned by some meanies.

[mardigan]

I've recently gotten the feeling that I am manipulative. I was reading up on it, I have selfpity manipulative behavior, I manipulate in attempts to achieve sympathy, sympathy seems to pump up my energy and justifies the presence of the problems I feel I have. Your manipulation habits stem from your core issues, could be insecurity, fear, doubt, love or lack thereof, really seeing your manipulation is a big step for now you can dive into it and investigate why it is you do it, and once you find that, you dive into the memories and subconscious that have made that reasoning your way of life, just confronting your past directly without avoiding it through manipulation in which would allow these feelings to dictate your mood for the majority of your days, it will ultimately make you realize that it's all just automatic responses and see that it really isn't that important, you can drop it completely. Think of it as a meditation or just deep introspection, but dropping all ideas of yourself and expectation and beliefs is the state of peace, for then you are visualizing without filters and manipulation and every other negative feeling in the book claiming to be who you are.