[Makiavelic76]

Hi to all, greetings for this forum which helps lots of people to vent their problems, like me..

Well, my case its kind of long to explain but I will try to resume it as better as I can. I have a relatioship with my 19 yo girlfriend, we been together about 2 1/2 years now. We experiment lots of good and bad things. I know she probably have a bad background (drugs abuse, family abuse at least verbaly as I known)..
The issue is time to time I have to face her aggressive behaviour, which moves the whole floor under my feet when it happends... it's like, we have a great week and sudently she changes, she appears cold, distant, indiferent... and kind of annoyed, like been with me sucks!. but I know, if this behaviour would be consistent, I would endend her instanly but as I told you guys, it floats from time to time... and in my head bangs something like: We had a great weekend and now... where does the girl I spent the time go?.
Sometimes I felt like she wants to end the relashionship when she acts like that, but then I realize, after I behavie like I accept her call, that she came back to me, saying that she need me, and all that crap!.
We are now on that period of fights, and I starting to feel that I don't have the same strength to soport her, trying not to punish my dignity... She knows I'm passing through a rough time (financially speaking, lost my job and debts) that leaves me very deppresed and I don't want to do as many things as we use to... she knows all that, because I expresed all that, and also I asked for her support. She seems to catch and do some suport to me, but its when I asked her for more only.
The thing is that when we often talk, she doesn't seem to be a very "talk" person, and usually she feels like I'm attacking her with my expressions, but it's not the reality...
For example: today she came to visit me, I fix her some nice breakfast, and we went to lay down for a while, then I talk her: We have to talk about this problem dear... she said: OK... then I said: we cannot continue treating each other with irrespect, you know... and she said: I think we are OK, then she came with: I don't want to talk (she never wants to talk about issues, I don't know how she works problems out), obviously I reply: you never want to talk about nothing... she respond: I don't care much about this (with that indiference classic of this time), I reply: wow wow, let's just relax and don't start treating each other like that, think, think (and I move my finger to my head), that move of my finger makes her mad, and she imitated me in exaggerated way, and then I let my human feelings go and I imitated her back, just her to figure how she's acting... then she stand up saying "you cannot treat me this way..... i tolarate this from others but you wont treat me this way, what do you think im your stupid girl, go find someone nerd who you can treat like that and bla bla bla (must of that, hurtfull phrases)... then i go after her, i tell her to calm down, please i want to appologise if i imitate her (even she started), and i try to grab her softly to not go, (she told before she wants me to stop her and not act like "OK, you want to go, then bye" as i was before).... but i receive the whorst part, she pushed me, in public, with a mad face (even tho i know its a girl, i'm kinda afraid of her reaction now), and she went away..... i call her after few hours, and i asked her to see her to talk, and she reply: to talk??? ohhh i thought we were going to do something else.... uhmmm, i dont know i have to go out now with my brother, i call u back (when shes passing that stage, she's like careless about how her reactiong makes me feel, and always seems on hurry to avoid talk, at the phone at least)... and then i feel like crap on the phone.... and she said: ok ok ok bye bye i call u back dear... and i just couldnt say goodbye (because i feel so bad and abandoned) and i hang down the phone.... (there were other times that happends on her too)... and she call me back all annoyed almost yelling: You just cannot say goodbye, dont you??... and hang the phone on me.... then i try to relax, and she calls me back again saying: Why are you like that (i just listen to her), now i cannot be calm with my brother, its your fault, i cannont be calm!!!! why, why, why are you like that????, it's like i'm talking with you now and i do this..... then she hang down the phone again on me.....
Then i guess my self steem calls me up and told me.... off!!! and i won't be abble to call her back.... but what im afraid, its the classical dinamical of this, if i dont call her back (even i had received all that emotional charges from her), she will say it to me i dont care about her, and she can wait weeks on that!!! then of course she wants to break up.... and i was just waiting for a signal of regreat from her actions... a single, "I'm sorry for this/that"...
I will apreaciate all replies on this from all point of views (I know, it sounds like a dead end road relationship, but she has some things I appreciate like her happiness, sweet treat when we are ok)..
I need to know what to do specifically...
Thanks from the heart :confused:

[aqua@home]

Specifically? You both need counselling. You both need to keep talking and never stop if you are going to make this work. Relationships take time, love and a lot of work. Is this one worth all of that? You probably know the answer, but if not, think about it, find out from her, are you in it for the long haul? If the answer is yes... then get counselling! It the answer is no, then move on.

Good luck.

[unsure42]

Just talk to her about it, if she gets even colder twards you then think about where this is going. People that have had abuse in there past normaly don't like to talk to a counsluer, it makes them fell weak like when there were abused and she might get even more mad at you for suggesting it. Good luck!

[PrettyLady]

Makia, communication is one of most important thing in any relationship. Much of the time when a partner expresses discomfort, hurt feelings or pain, it is not done to blame, but rather to simply express their hurt. I would suggest that you talk to her about your feelings and fears. You should also listen to her express what’s on her mind and in her heart. The both of you should try to come up with a solution to problems in your relationship. But, if she still continues to behave aggressively and you feel stressed out, then you should move on. It's not worth being in a relationship with a person who makes you feel miserable. You deserve to be with someone who will make you happy.

[Makiavelic76]

Thanks for all the replies to my problem...
I did not make contact with her for now, because I feel suffered about her last reaction, and I am afraid of her indiference... It's just like I'm waiting for her to say "I'm sorry for treating you this way"... I don't know what's happening to her... and when I ask her "what happend to you?" she keeps aswering me "nothing"... or things like "I'm not the girl you want, you need someone who talks you softly and nice"... and the dinamics go on... so I reply: what do you saying, that you want to break up with me?. she would say: "me?? no i dont want to break up with you, but if you want, then do it"...
I don't know if I should send her a message or email saying something like: I want to make things work... or something like that... but I'm afraid they all come to same place I'm now (feelings speaking)..
I don't know if when she treats me this way, it's because she's starting to like someone else... the other day she told me that she don't want to come to my room because she thinks I will want to have sex... and she told me that for now, she's not much interested in that... she asked me: Is there a problem with that?. obviously I reply: What? I don't think of you as sexual object, if we have sex it's because we love each other, and what you saying is that you don't want to have sex no more or for now?. she anwer: for now...
I don't know if that is some kind of manipulation or could be something whorst...
Thanks for all your post comments... to all of you

[s_cianci]

She's obviously unstable and her behavior, when it occurs, is nothing short of abuse. Frankly I wouldn't tolerate it, even if it doesn't happen "all the time." Even once is too much. At the very least, I think you need to take some time away from her for a while. If she contacts you and questions you about it then tell her plain and up-front that you refuse to deal with her abusive behavior and unless she turns over a new leaf, it's goodbye forever. Don't let her cajole or manipulate you into believing that her behavior is somehow your fault or that you're responsible for it.

[Makiavelic76]

Thanks s_cianci for the advice... I'm taking courange to aply that, for now I'm not making any contact with her, but I'm starting to feel that I should call her because in other way she would think I don't care (even I'm waiting for her to analize her behaviour and say sorry to me or something), but I guess is something never happends... It's like when I feel hurt because her reactions, she's also and start a game of "who's get closer to each other first"... of course she says, she's always the stupid one who comes to me... and I said... that's not true, like the situation I explained above.
I'm not lying, I'm afraid of losing her if I don't contact her, but this is not the first time that I experience this feeling of "She can treat me awful and come the next day like nothing has happened, without a sorry of something"..
Maybe I'm getting tired of this, even I still love her... company... it's sad... the distance, these games people play instead of try to communicate..
Thanks for let me share this with you, folks..

[talaniman]

A relationship that makes you that miserable can't be good so leave her alone and get use to the idea that this will not work. Love is fine but common sense is better. Time to move on.