[randomguy19]

*****Before I explain the story, let me high light that I have a difficulty "letting go" - even after I see red flags/differences early on

Some differences/Red Flags in this situation:
-She smokes/drinks (I do not)
-She likes the ghetto guys with tattoos, where I am not ghetto or have any tattoos
-She had her baby's father pick her up from work one night instead of calling me to pick her up
-She told me that her baby's father randomly calls and asks for sex
-They just had sex 4 months ago
-She is now real good friends with the girl that he cheated on her with


A little over a month ago I (age 22) met this girl (age 18) my cousin introduced me to. The girl had warned me that she had a baby by a guy that I grew up with (and don't care for). That night we ended up coming back to my house where we had sex and slept together (I didn't really picture it going any further). In those 4-5 weeks we have had a lot of sex along with her spending the night (with her baby). We have laid in bed and talked about ourselves and our past. I have become very comfortable around her. I don't feel I'm being judged, even if I'm being goofy. She told me that she wanted a relationship with me, but I told her that "I was confused and not sure I can deal with another guy in the picture for the rest of our lives". Despite that, the sex/spending the night still had continued. I wanted to see how well it would work "in the now" before calming "in a relationship". But trying to be rational about it, I tried to be honest and go against my emotions. I tried breaking it off so it would hurt both of us less as appose to the future (knowing that I get attached easily). But after I told her it wouldn't work, I felt bad and had her come over the next day. We talked about the issues and she gave me the motivation to continue. We also had MORE sex. Since then there hasn't been really issues up until a few days ago. She had messaged me and asked if she could see me. I said yes and waited for her to come over, but she never showed. The next day she had came over, but I was asleep. Later that night she had apologized and told me that she had went to her friend Katie's house and "lost track of time". She then asked if I was mad, and I told her that "I give up" and she replied -- "f*** it, give up - I can't make you happy". After I see the final end to this, I can't help but enter a slight depression. I don't think it's normal to feel depressed after ending a "relationship" after a month. In fact I anticipated this depression which is one of the main reasons I tried avoiding the split the first time I told her it wouldn't work. Is feeling upset about her bailing out on me normal? Am I doing the right thing by backing out? Should I try to make this work out despite differences? Why am I feeling so depressed while I try to end this? How will I cope knowing that there was a possibility that it "could of worked"?

Before writing this, I tried going to bed thinking about it. But depressive emotions started to kick in. I started to feel very isolated and lonely. I can't understand how breaking a bond with a girl that I just met 1 month ago is so difficult for me. I feel as if there is a deeper problem at hand. This is exactly what happen in my previous relationship. I saw the differences, yet got into a relationship only to lied to and taken through an emotional roller coaster.

[redhed35]

You have discovered a lot of personnal insights into your personality, but the one thing that you did not mention, is that you form semi relationships in a short space of time, getting to involved to fast.

The next time,and there is always a next time,take your time getting to know someone,and date more then one girl!

Don't jump into bed too soon.

A lot of people with low self esteem issues form attachments easily,perhaps working on this aspect of yourself will help you realise that you deserve to be treated with respect in a rerlationship,or friendship.

As for the last girl, let this one go,understand that you have some things to work on yourself.

Starting no contact is the first step.

[Jake2008]

A month of sex, is not a relationship.

I think you saw potential there, but all your red flags kept eating at you, and you did the right thing by ending it.

You are only 22, and she is 18 with a baby, and the baby's father has random sex with her. As you said, do you really want to spend the best years of your life being a step-father under these circumstances. If you get attached so easily, imagine how hard it will be to break up after you bond with the child.

I see some strength and reason in your post, and I believe that you know the right thing is to let this whole thing go before you get in too deep that you never get out.

Also think about next time. Random sex with strangers is not only dangerous, irresponsible, and potentially deadly, but you could end up with a pregnancy happening.

Relationships are based on a foundation. It is about controlling yourself, being a gentleman, and not hopping in the sack at the first opportunity.

Getting to know someone on a friendship level for a good period and then building upon that, is the only way you will find lasting love, and a stable, solid relationship.

To keep repeating the type of relationship you had with this particular girl, will only see you stuck in the place you are now in, over and over and over. In fact, the relationship prior to this one, was similar as you said.

Take your time, but skip the sex, and put more value and meaning into getting to know someone first. DATE, and have some fun, and don't expect that 'she' will be the one you want to spend the rest of your life with.

If you reserve a little bit of yourself, and a little bit of self control in the next relationship, and things don't go as planned, you will be far more prepared to let go, instead of giving it everything you've got, and be left with nothing emotionally again.

[amicon]

You did the right thing. It seems you are ready to spend some time discovering more about who you are-what you want and need and where you want to go in life.
Take some time out and start having a relationship with yourself before you go looking for a girlfriend.

[randomguy19]

I admit, I do have low self-esteem. I also do not get out of the house often, therefore am not exposed to many females. The reason why I think I've gotten so attached is because of the sex. Letting go, I'm feeling very depressed, lonely, and defective. Does it sound like I have emotional issues, or would this be understanding for anybody that has bonded/sex for a month?

[amicon]

You sound like you need to actively get out and find more friends and start enjoying life.

[talaniman]

Your whole adventure is very typical of what a young guy faces. Balancing his lust with his love. The sex got you but wasn't enough, and it never is. You have already seen that there is much more to having a girlfriend than just having a lot of sex.

You started this whole experience with it, but found there was nothing else to build anything on, and like some many before you, it ends.

You will get over the depression, and lack of sex, but I hope you slowdown and look deeper the next time you choose a partner, and have heart, most of us young guys get our nose open by a willing female and can't see anything else until the lust wears off, and the depression sets in.

Join the ranks of those who have learned how powerful good sex can be, and take that lesson with you moving forward.

[randomguy19]

Thank you all for your time and excellent responses. What scares me most is the depressive feelings that came with breaking it off. But I'll do my best to cope.

[amicon]

You're very welcome and keep posting when you need to. To get over the lows make sure you eat right,do a lot of physical activities spend time outdoors and see people whose company you enjoy.
Take care.

[randomguy19]

It was nearly a year ago that I made a post about my new relationship that was starting badly...
(Click here for the forum post last year) A relationship was actually formed after this, and now nearly a year later it's coming to an end. If you had read the previous post a year ago you will see that I have MAJOR issues in breaking up. It appears that I take break ups harder than the average person. This relationship is a bit more complex as I've become attached to her child and accepted that I will be the 'dad' for this kid. This relationship has had it's ups and downs like many - however she has admitted that this has been the worse relationship that she has been in. The relationship issues are my fault as I've spend excessive hours on the computer, argued over small things, never do anything new with her/the kid. Despite having her in my life everyday (she moved in with me at my mothers house until I finish college) - I never really spent much time with her. And all of this had lead up to this post. I have gotten very attached to her son as well as her. But a break up is in order as she made the statement today that she agrees we should probably end it.

I don't know exactly what I want from this thread... But I need someone to talk to as I'm approaching a break up stage. As mentioned above, I do not handle break ups well. I get freaked out, horrible feelings of social isolation and loneliness. I feel my body shutting down, my mental functions decrease (bad for school), deep depression sets in, etc. Then I ponder in amazement on how close/use I got to someone being there/with and then realize that it's all GONE. My room would be once filled with toys and my girlfriends belongings is now removed with just my remains and complete silence.

The break up is still pending (yet so real) as she declared that she wanted time to 'think' while she stays the night with her friend. She stated before leaving that she loves me, wants to be with me, but wants to be happy. And this is very understandable. However I feel the break up will still end up happening - even if I do improve my flaws. There is a lot going on, and there is a possibility of the kids dad coming back in the picture. What sparked this whole mess is her no longer wanting her son to call me 'dad'. After a year I have gotten use to it - and now she wants to withdraw it because she does not feel we will last (and this probably falls back to my fault as I spent excessive time on the computer and never really did anything exciting with her).

What is your input? Needing feedback from unbiased individuals, does it sound like I need to be in counseling? What would cause a person to take break ups so hard? Does it sound like childhood roots? Perhaps death of a parent at a young age, or other factors? If the break up does occur, should I call a counselor immediately in preparation to deal with my extreme emotions? Being a person with very little *close* friends anymore - what should I do to cope?

If requested I will supply more information and keep those interested on the status of the relationship. If the break up is final I will most likely do another post as an attempt to get some support.

Thank you for reading
-Matt

[joypulv]

In your 3rd paragraph you leap from a sentence saying that she wants time to think and still loves you, and in the next sentence you see the breakup as a foregone conclusion. I wonder why you don't jump at the chance to spend less time on the computer and more with her and her son (doing it, not promising it). Why isn't she worth changing for? Even if it doesn't work and she leaves anyway, why won't you try? Why so fatalistic about yourself?
I am old now and haven't been in a relationship in years, but I too took breakups hard. Couldn't eat or sleep or breathe, it seemed, or talk or go anywhere. Forever ( really about several months). Analyze it? I suppose because of my parents relationship being unloving. It really never helped to understand that though.
So when she comes back tomorrow, how about a restaurant, the zoo, a park, (NOT a movie, where you can't talk) a ball game. Some flowers too. Give it a shot.

[pandead]

People handle breakups as they can and trust me, it always feels like what you have to handle is worse than "average people's." That being said, your situation is delicate since there is a child involved. I read your old thread too and I know it's a horrible thing to say but I think "you saw this coming."

First of all, stop blaming yourself. Whatever is done is done now. Accept the break up. You were ready to have a serious relationship with her and be a dad for her son, she told him to stop calling you "dad." You say you are "approaching the breakup stage" but it seems like the breakup happened already, at least to me : "she wants to withdraw it because she does not feel we will last" right there, even just this part should be a good enough reason to turn around and walk away.

So stop focusing on her and on your past relationship with her -from what I understand, she already moved out?- I know it's hard (pretty much everyone here can tell you how hard it is) but you have to move on. If she comes back, you can work things out, if she doesn't, you will be starting to get your life together already.

You are not done with college yet, you are living with your mom and trying to handle all this by yourself, of course you will spend time on your computer, you are still young and chances are you aren't ready to be a "dad", let alone handling someone else's life, ex or kid.

Think about yourself and what you can do to improve. If you need professional help, go for it. It works for a lot of people and it will help you on your process, starting with knowing yourself first and why you think the way you think. Your emotions are far from extreme, you are in shock, so do whatever you can to stay calm, make a plan, focus on yourself and on your healing. Good luck.

[talaniman]

Your threads were merged for the whole story, and there is no need to keep starting new threads about the same thing. Please keep your questions, and responses here, so others will not be confused by the lack of facts.

Having said all that, and knowing your history of doubt, and confusion, its apparent you are trying so hard to build what you want with some rather high risk partners. Get out of this relationship, leave her, and her son alone, and don't get in another relationship with someone until you have had at least a year of solidly getting to know them, and seeing how you work together. That's been your problem before, and even with this female. You jump in head first, to fast, and completely ignore all the warning signs, and red flags, that should have told you you are going to fast with unrealistic, and high expectations. That leads to some very traumatic crashes, shock, and emotional chaos.

Simply put, your trying to hard to get what you want, and going for things that look good on paper, and feel good for a while, but fail to build on solid foundations.

Just because it glitters brightly, doesn't mean its gold. So make a decision to leave this latest female alone, and learn to look deeper into the ones you encounter to make sure you have all the facts, before you make a decision. Its obvious this latest lady is pulling back, and by your other post that was merged with this one, it was inevitable.

None of this was bad, as it was good for a while, but didn't last. That's the risk with any relationship of any kind, and happens all the time. So accept its happening again, and that's okay.

Geeez guy, we all go through those sorts of growing pains, and it hurts, and sucks big time, but we learn to let go, heal, and keep moving forward, armed with the fact we learned how to deal with circumstances, and situations beyond our control, don't take it personally, and get ready for the next option, and opportunities as we go through life. Letting go of things beyond our control is a coping skilled learned the hard way through experience. You certainly are experienced now, so let go, as you have done before, and move on.

[randomguy19]

The break up is final as she said she does not want to work it out. Here comes the pain.

[randomguy19]

I just wanted to update everyone, and perhaps gain some emotional support. Although we tried working it out since my last comment she ended up ending it the Thursday before Thanksgiving. She had agreed things were getting better while we were working it out - however I still sensed a distance. Note: She warned me when we worked it out the first time that she is not in love with me anymore yet I still wanted to try to get it back. She did not seem to really want to be around me that much. I came off the computer when around her and gave her attention that she deserved. I tried to make things work and even started counseling. She showed interest in going - but then commented that she did NOT want to go and it would not make a difference. Due to the distance, over the phone I asked why she was with a guy she didn't even want to be around. I told her to leave me if she did not love me or want me. Sure enough, she did. I've tried to break all contact since then, however I did call once and asked if there was ANYTHING I could do to make her want to try/ anything compromises. She added that she is miserable with me, she pictured constant arguments with me in the future, she's realized how happy she is away from me, she encouraged me in my next relationship to 'not spend so much time on the computer', said she loves me but not for a 'relationship', and pretty much focused on the negatives of the relationship. She also replied that she knows how it feels wanting someone but can't having them (referring to a previous boyfriend). In fact, she compared me to this guy when our first break up happened and they never argued, he always took her camping, etc (that made me feel horrible). She said there is nothing I can do.

I've been a mess since then. She wants to remain friends however I know this isn't wise for healing. It's so shocking to me that a person that was once my 'best friend' no longer wants/values me despite our past together. I got very attached to her son - and looked at him as my very own. I treated him very good and looked forward to our future together. Still though - I lost all of that. She pretty much said it's not worth it to her. I realize I'm powerless but I still feel that MAYBE if we got together and hung out and talked it would change her mind (but I'd probably get rejected). I guess there truly is no convincing, or no agreeing to give it 50/50 and see each other MORE and communicate MORE, but she seems gone. I feel so useless, guilty, abandoned, regretful, sad, and betrayed because of all of this. My mother asked to watch her son a few days ago - and when he was here it TORE ME UP. I saw that he had his first hair cut without me, and it seemed he was confused on who I was. Not only am I dealing with losing her - but her son (whom I considered mine) as well. My mother had communicated to her how bad I was doing and her reply was that "I'll find another girl eventually". How can she even say that? Why would she want that? It's a loss certainly, but it's still so shocking she's prepared to never see me or want to be with me again. What do I do?

[talaniman]

"Letting go of things beyond our control is a coping skilled learned the hard way thru experience. You certainly are experienced now, so let go, as you have done before, and move on."

That what I told you before, and I repeat this now because through out your life the greatest challenges is not what happens, but how we deal with it, and mostly that comes down to how you deal with YOURSELF, your feelings, your hopes, and dreams, when they don't quite work the way we want.

Like many, you hurt now, but trust me, someday you may have to hurt someone because YOUR feelings changed, and then you will know the full meaning of being human.

Its still all about how you deal with yourself, so just know the pain is only temporary, if you let it be, and you will heal, and be happy if you so choose... EVENTUALLY! Till then it basically suck! You will handle it though, just doesn't seem like it now.