3some for him.what about me?

Avasean · Dec 18, 2009, 11:48 PM

My husband and I had a 3 some with my best friend, who is a female. We are still best friends. There have been no problems or uncomfortableness with any of us. She and my husband kiss more often now, which is fine with me, but there is only ONE thing that bothers me...

How should I feel when my husband says that he doesn't want us to have a 3 some with another male? I don't want to be childish and say "that's not fair", but what should I say?

It kind of makes me feel like he doesn't trust me as much as I trust him. He says that he doesn't know if he would be comfortable with another man touching me. He thinks that there's a chance that once I have sex with another man that I am not going to want to have sex with him anymore; kind of like I would enjoy the "other man" better.

How should I respond to this in a conversation? I mean, I trusted him enough to let him sleep with MY BEST FRIEND! Shouldn't he feel he trusts me enough to allow me the same situation, not necessarily with his best friend, but another guy.

Someone help please!

hheath541 · Dec 19, 2009, 12:30 AM

It might simply be a case of him being uncomfortable about being in a sexual situation with another man. If that's the case, he may not ever get over it.

Catsmine · Dec 19, 2009, 03:06 AM

I think your hubbie has a little latent homophobia. The line about "another man touching..." may need a different object - touching him instead of touching you may be his problem.

Rich11111 · Dec 19, 2009, 07:39 AM

No one should ever have to do something sexual that they do not want to, just because you accepted another female into your bed does not mean he has to accept a male.
You should accept his No to a MMF threesome the same way he would have accepted your no to a MFF threesome had you chosen not to.

A lot of men, while having no problems or dislike towards gay men, still find the idea of being with another man themselves very uncomfortable.

As for the matter of Trust, gender is irrelevant. You trusted him to have sex with someone else, he trusted you to have sex with someone else. (That is me assuming you did have sex with her as well and it wasn't just a case of him having sex with both of you.)

Cat1864 · Dec 19, 2009, 12:55 PM

What were the conditions placed on the first three-some? Was there a condition then that there would be a second one with a male instead of a female?

Fr_Chuck · Dec 19, 2009, 03:22 PM

Thus the issue, many men always think of two women, but then it is a no no for another man.

He sounds selfish with his desires

But with that said, he should not be forced into something he does not want.

Gemini54 · Dec 19, 2009, 05:24 PM

Well, I'm going to be a lot more cynical here. I think that he wanted to get his rocks off with another woman - with your consent.

It's simple really. He wants the benefits of having someone else to have sex with, but won't pass them on to you.

He doesn't want you to get your rocks off with another man.

It's not about trust, it's about him not having his cosy little arrangement disrupted. Bring another guy onto the scene, that takes the power away from him and changes the dynamic.

Threesomes frequently open up a can of worms. Your can has just been opened.

jmjoseph · Dec 19, 2009, 06:42 PM

This is a very dangerous thing to introduce into a marriage.

Threesomes can ruin a relationship and should be done with a BOYFRIEND or just someone you are dating, not a husband.

Yes, I am sure that he is kissing your friend more now. You need to watch them both, as they probably will be carrying on without you.

Tell him that if YOU can't have the thrill of two guys, that he can't be having an extra wife.

When you get married, that makes it just the two of you. When you introduce another person into your bed, you are asking for trouble. I think that your husband just wanted to sleep with your friend.

Were you bi-sexual before you got married?

Synnen · Dec 20, 2009, 09:52 AM

Just want to point out that THIS is why long discussions about rules and expectations should happen BEFORE a threesome--not after.

Avasean · Dec 20, 2009, 10:33 PM

hheath541 & Catsmine: The only male either of us even considered would NEVER touch my husband sexually. He KNOWS that.

Rich11111: I understand that I should take his no as final, and I have (to an extent). I just think that if (by his words) he wouldn't be comfortable with another man touching me, then he should never have had the MFF 3 some, as a courtesy to me.

Cat1864: The original plan was for there to be a 4 some... MFFM. That way it would be fair for both of us. The other man didn't want to do that, so I thought it was done with, but we went out one night, got tipsy and it just happened.

Fr_Chuck: I agree with you. He is being selfish. I hate double standards!

Gemini54: I agree with you as well. I think that he wanted to have his fun, but he doesn't want me to have mine. At the risk of sounding childish, it isn't fair.

jmjoseph: It probably was not the best idea to have a 3 some, but we both had fun. I think I am going to tell him that I can't have the same thrill that I allowed him to have, then he does not need to be kissing her anymore. I am going to tell her that too. I know that she will be more OK with that than he is. She will accept it and abide by my wishes. He is going to throw a fit about how "it doesn't mean anything".

Synnen: There was a week long discussion, an hour or two at a time, before hand. We had stipulations as to what could or couldn't be said or done. The arrangement was for a 4 some though... MFFM. When the other male told us that he didn't want to do that, I thought it would be done with, but we went out one night, got a little tipsy and it just happened.

THANK YOU ALL FOR YOUR RESPONSES!

Avasean · Dec 20, 2009, 10:34 PM

jmjoseph: and yes, I was bi-sexual before we got married.

Synnen · Dec 21, 2009, 06:59 AM

The fact is this, though: You DIDN'T talk about threesomes.

You talked about foursomes.

NOT the same thing at all. You did NOT establish boundaries (like no kissing afterward) or expectations (like you'd get YOUR threesome later if he got his). You didn't talk about THREESOMES at all beforehand.

Yes, you talked about rules for a foursome, but you did something while drunk that you didn't talk about or have rules for.

Therefore--your husband is in the right. You didn't establish BEFORE you had a threesome that you wanted "fairness" in the open marriage. You agreed to the threesome, he didn't agree to a MMF threesome--end of story.

Tell them to stop kissing, drop your resentment about the whole thing (or it will poison your relationship) and move on, knowing that you should probably never again open up your marriage because you hadn't discussed ALL possible situations thoroughly before something happened. Also--the fact is that your husband doesn't like the idea of another man touching you means that he IS selfish--but it also means that there isn't enough trust in your relationship to open it up to other partners. Doing so would do NOTHING but destroy your marriage at this point.

smoothy · Dec 21, 2009, 01:29 PM

I agree with what Synnen just said. If this was something you wanted it should have been discussed BEFORE the threesome. Guys are really different than many women in this respect. They get really creeped out being near another naked guy, much less another naked guy with an erection. A few aren't bothered by it and then there are the bisexual guys that might enjoy it.

Something that should have been resolved before having the other 3-way.

I think it might have a lot to do with how the average guy and gal views sex.

I've never done this INSIDE of a marriage. It was always when I was single. But I can't add anything from a guys persopective to what Synnen already has said so well.