Check out some similar questions!

debard9 · Dec 18, 2009, 05:26 PM

Thank You talaniman. I am listening to what you are all saying. I don't know how to be good to myself. As a Careworker I do what they want me to do or what they need me to do. What I feel I need right now is to be hugged & loved. I don't know how to do that for myself. I have asked for help & am told that is the 1st step. I have emailed the people here in Adelaide who use The Journey as Red suggested so again asking for help. Other than that I don't know what to do. I am finding it difficult to leave this room. I am finding it impossible to smile. I am finding it almost impossible to stop crying & this has lasted 24 hrs. other than typing I don't have the drive to do anything other than cry

friend4u178 · Dec 18, 2009, 05:41 PM

I think its very important to remember that right at this moment your going through the emotional turmoil of losing a relationship , that seems to be magnifying your other issues which should be dealt with differently.

First lets just help you get over the breakup , and you do that by first implementing No Contact , not easy I know and you have to remember the way your feeling at the moment is quite normal.

Read some of the material on here it'll help you to at least understand the dynamics of relationship break ups , we can then confront the other issues 1 step at a time.

Just be assured we'll all stick around to help you along , like I said it's not easy , it just takes time.

talaniman · Dec 18, 2009, 07:21 PM

I think its very important to remember that right at this moment your going through the emotional turmoil of losing a relationship , that seems to be magnifying your other issues which should be dealt with differently.

First lets just help you get over the breakup , and you do that by first implementing No Contact , not easy I know and you have to remember the way your feeling at the moment is quite normal.

The stickies are a great source of insights, and suggestions, to help you cope with what you must do, as No Contact is the first step in the healing process.

Even though your "friend" is not romantically attached to you, you are still dependent on his attention.

There is a link in my signature.

Cat1864 · Dec 18, 2009, 08:02 PM

Originally Posted by debard9

Thank You talaniman. I am listening to what you are all saying. I dont know how to be good to myself. As a Careworker I do what they want me to do or what they need me to do. What I feel I need right now is to be hugged & loved. I dont know how to do that for myself. I have asked for help & am told that is the 1st step. i have emailed the people here in Adelaide who use The Journey as Red suggested so again asking for help. Other than that I dont know what to do. I am finding it difficult to leave this room. I am finding it impossible to smile. I am finding it almost impossible to stop crying & this has lasted 24 hrs. other than typing I dont have the drive to do anything other than cry

I know it isn't much, but I can offer a virtual hug and a shoulder. Along with going NC is taking care of yourself.

I know you don't feel like eating or probably drinking anything, but you need to try. Small bites and sips every little bit. Don't try to force too much at once. Getting dehydrated or sick will only cause more problems.

Please, take of yourself.

talaniman · Dec 18, 2009, 08:16 PM

A simple call to your personal physician can help you temporarily to get back into a proper sleep cycle. That's an important step toward overcoming grief, or depression, all normal feelings when your down.

artlady · Dec 18, 2009, 08:37 PM

Originally Posted by debard9

Thank You talaniman. I am listening to what you are all saying. I dont know how to be good to myself. As a Careworker I do what they want me to do or what they need me to do. What I feel I need right now is to be hugged & loved. I dont know how to do that for myself. I have asked for help & am told that is the 1st step. i have emailed the people here in Adelaide who use The Journey as Red suggested so again asking for help. Other than that I dont know what to do. I am finding it difficult to leave this room. I am finding it impossible to smile. I am finding it almost impossible to stop crying & this has lasted 24 hrs. other than typing I dont have the drive to do anything other than cry

My dear ,you may need to seek out some help for your current feelings of helplessness.

You will feel better again ,you just have to reach out and get some help right now.

Depression and pain are things we just can't deal with on our own and we need help to get through it

Just talking to someone is a great way to get through things.
It breaks it down to the point where we understand it and that is vital for closure.

There are hot lines where you can talk to real people for free and it helps.
Here is a link for you.
Please call.. talking is so good for the soul. Your going to be O.K. when you get help for your depression and denial.

AWARE

debard9 · Dec 19, 2009, 04:47 PM

Thank you all for your words of wisdom. This month has been hard Ive been put off twice from work & now this loss. I have no income & now no love. I have an appointment to see a counsellour on tues. I have eaten last night. I do drink lots of water & black tea. I just can't stop crying & its making it hard to leave this room. My head is sore from hitting it on the floor & my jaw aches from clenching my teeth. I just don't understand why there are people in my life that I don't feel close to that tell me often how lovely a soul I am yet the few people I feel connected to seem to be able to hurt me by letting me down. Why am I so dependent on these people & not able to draw strength from the others that do give me positive energy. It feels like all my actions are always wrong.

talaniman · Dec 19, 2009, 09:00 PM

I think its more an accumulation of difficult situations, so of course its overwhelming. You have no control over what others do, but you can control yourself. Sometimes you can do nothing but survive until a better day arrives. It will, but for now just take care of yourself.

vanheart · Dec 19, 2009, 11:15 PM

Its all about actions and awareness, everyone's.

This is one-sided. Hes a cheater, not a friend or soulmate. That's OK.
We live and hopefully learn.

Don't wait around. Don't play others options. Look at yours.

Take notice of what's good, rekindle real friends, that's why they are friends. See good things that you have & bring them back into your life. The ones you've neglected over this. And new ones.

I know what its like to lose a job & person and struggle all within months.
Emotionally & physically challenging.

Stop obsessing about this one person or negative stuff. That's not good and will get you nowhere.

Its one thing getting hurt. But its another thing to not continue hurting ourselves after, living in hurt. Recognizing things, not denying. Waking up.

You'll be OK debard, just take responsibility for your well-being, as you are doing by seeking help, you will be fine and way better.

Get in tune with who you are. Be in control of you.

Cat1864 · Dec 19, 2009, 11:59 PM

Originally Posted by debard9

Thank you all for your words of wisdom. This month has been hard Ive been put off twice from work & now this loss. I have no income & now no love. I have an appointment to see a counsellour on tues. I have eaten last night. I do drink lots of water & black tea. I just can't stop crying & its making it hard to leave this room. My head is sore from hitting it on the floor & my jaw aches from clenching my teeth. I just dont understand why there are people in my life that I dont feel close to that tell me often how lovely a soul I am yet the few people I feel connected to seem to be able to hurt me by letting me down. Why am I so dependent on these people & not able to draw strength from the others that do give me positive energy. It feels like all my actions are always wrong.

You sound a lot like me (and others I have known). Giving care and understanding is easier than giving trust. When we do give trust, we open ourselves up to pain and hurt and even in some ways expect it. Sometimes, we expect it so much that we look for it and even cause it to happen (not that we mean to-it just turns into a self-fulfilling prophecy).

We tend to choose to allow people who are not fully available emotionally to get the closest to us. They may be so caught up in their own problems that they don't realize we are giving all the support and they are giving very little in return. We allow them to feed off our 'energy' draining us until either we have nothing left to give or they get what they want and move on. Getting involved with a married man is a very good example of choosing someone that we know (if we allow ourselves to recognize it) will not be around very long and will only end up proving the point that letting people in ends up causing us pain. So when the inevitable happens, we beat ourselves up and curse them for 'using' us and retreat deeper into our shells. It's a very hard cycle to break. However, it can be broken and we can learn to give ourselves permission to heal and find healthy relationships where we can trust that the other person will be there and they are.

I am glad you are going to see a new therapist. I hope that you go into the office with an open mind and that you are prepared to attempt to trust him/her. Remember that how you approach the counseling will determine how well it goes and what you get out of it. Try not to over-analyze the therapist (it is something I would do that probably wouldn't help).

Here's something I want you to try to believe: You Are Not Alone! I am here. This thread will be here. Others are here, too.

debard9 · Dec 20, 2009, 05:16 AM

It is helpful to know Im not alone in sort of a way. I didn't choose this friendship. He choose me. He comes to me I don't contact him. I don't really let anyone in much. Ive been beaten Ive been on Ive been really stuffed over by too many people in my life Starting with my Mum & her Mum reminding me Im nothing without a man. Ive been alone now for 11 years. Apparently Im still a good target for bullies. This "friend" you all refer to acctually is the 1st person since my Dads Mum My Grandma that has accepted me just as I am. I don't have to act I don't have to behave to suit others I don't have to keep my thoughts to myself. That's why Im hurting. Now what do I do? Go back to hiding. Go back to more alone. People are intimitated by me. I can read their behaviour I can tell when they lie, I remember every word they tell me. It scares people I don't fit in

debard9 · Dec 20, 2009, 05:27 AM

It takes about three weeks before they tell me all their problems & secrets then they act like they have to get rid of me because I know too much about them. Some maybe listen & say they don't understand why Im alone, but that lasts about another month then they either hit on me (males) or start talking about me to others behind my back (females).

debard9 · Dec 20, 2009, 06:01 AM

Now this "friend" well we share all the same interests. We can talk about footy or cricket or work or what we want to do in the future endlessly. Or we can just drive around in the car listening to the abc & not talk. We eat the same things Like the same cars. Like to do the same things. Its just easy. Now its empty. Sad. I have no reason to be anything

talaniman · Dec 20, 2009, 07:23 AM

That's not entirely true, as just because there is change we don't particularly like, we still must adjust and change ourselves. Its survival, and maybe its difficult, but necessary. We keep going because we know after the storm the sunshines again and we get to go out and play. I learned this as a kid, and it was always true, so I knew that all you have to do is wait long enough.

We also learned to entertain ourselves when life creates storms around us, and to this day those same attitudes have gotten me through many a life storm. Maybe you weren't taught that in your youth, but its not to late to learn now.

People come and go through your life forever, some good, some not so. You can only enjoy them while they are there and miss them from afar, but there will be more to pay attention to, and the more things you do, the more people you'll meet, so being alone is just a choice we make, but more important is to keep things in their proper perspective, and balance, and never let the situation overwhelm you.

You have options, and maybe the emotional dust hasn't settled enough for you to see them yet, but they are there.

Your just going through a period of adjustments right now, and if you keep your mind open, you will see we all have to go through them when life throws us curves.

debard9 · Dec 20, 2009, 01:53 PM

Im going to see a counsellour today. I know Im going to have to go through all the childhood etc so Im not looking forward to it but as you say I guess its part of the process. I am so over this.

redhed35 · Dec 20, 2009, 02:01 PM

Take your time today.

Dress really well.

Know your are beautiful strong and worthy.

You'll get through it,don't give the same old same old answers to the same old questions, try and look deeper into the issues...

I wish you all the best today.

amicon · Dec 20, 2009, 02:08 PM

See it as your first step to a happy fulfilled you. Wishing you all the best.

Cat1864 · Dec 20, 2009, 02:15 PM

Originally Posted by debard9

Im going to see a counsellour today. I know Im going to have to go thru all the childhood etc so Im not looking forward to it but as you say I guess its part of the process. I am so over this.

I hope it goes well today. Keep an open mind and give yourself and the counselor a chance to find new ways to approach the past and present.

I, too, wish you all the best for today.

debard9 · Dec 20, 2009, 04:43 PM

Counselor is sick they just cancelled! The universe is against me

vanheart · Dec 20, 2009, 04:49 PM

So, not true.

Just reschedule & in the meantime stay positive.

As Tal, mentioned, keep an open mind.