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JDOP · Dec 11, 2006, 09:58 AM

Hi, thanks all for your advice, it really helps quite a deal to hear different opinions about this. Yes I resent her, in fact, I wish I'd never met her.

Another thing that is playing ping pong in my brain is the thought that I might have driven her into his arms by maintaining the NC game. Maybe if I would have contacted her she might have not felt the need for being with him.

I know you're going to say that it's not true and that I have to stop thinking about it but it's all I can for the moment.

valinors_sorrow · Dec 11, 2006, 10:10 AM

Each to their own lessons, painful or otherwise... it is how the world it works.

You won't feel like this forever, I promise.

Its just a real b**ch while you do.

Geoffersonairplane · Dec 11, 2006, 10:26 AM

Originally Posted by valinors_sorrow

Each to their own lessons, painful or otherwise.... it is how the world it works.

You won't feel like this forever, I promise.

Its just a real b**ch while you do.

Mrs Myagi (val) speaks the truth. You will get through this JDOP just like I will get through my pain too.

Your ex will have her lessons.

We all need them, if we did not experience anything apart from good then we would no nothing different. All of this is a lesson for you too JDOP..

Remember that!

valinors_sorrow · Dec 11, 2006, 10:40 AM

Dear JDOP,

Originally Posted by JDOP

the weird thing is that everybody acts like this is something normal going on. Am I being a naive boy by still believing in values like politeness and respect? Is it normal to dump somebody after 1.5 yr without even giving a proper reason and then after a month have sex with somebody you said you would never have sex with? I spoke to the ex girlfriend of the jerk yesterday and she is also completely devastated by it. If I would be in the shoes of my ex I would be very ashamed. There are words to describe people who act like that.

Perhaps you need a better circle of friends? Just a thought you can come back to later, if it has merit and when you are ready. Or perhaps they are stunned like you too and don't know what to say or do. I put my bet on the latter.

Originally Posted by JDOP

The only positive thing that I can think of right now is that I KNOW this guy is a jerk and that the whole thing is probably a rebound situation that will end soon anyway, anyhow. The feeling that I know that SHE is making mistakes (because this IS a serious mistake) while I'm healing, is making me feel a little bit better. I sincerely hope that she will pay the price for it later and that she will feel as I feel now. On the other hand, you are right, I am hurting a lot. It's like I am permanently being punched in stomach.

Those are her lessons and its best if you stay out of them, tempting though they be. The hazard is focus on hers and you won't learn yours and lessons not learned have a way of repeating on you like bad meatloaf, you know what I mean?

Originally Posted by JDOP

hi, thanx all for your advice, it really helps quite a deal to hear different opinions about this. Yes I resent her, in fact, I wish I'd never met her.

Another thing that is playing ping pong in my brain is the thought that I might have driven her into his arms by maintaining the NC game. Maybe if I would have contacted her she might have not felt the need for being with him.
I know you're gonna say that it's not true and that I have to stop thinking about it but it's all I can for the moment.

You will have to "what if" and "If only" and "how could she" until you process this enough to see that it was probably meant to be unless there had been significant changes on both your parts. Then you will begin to understand yourself better, women better, people better. Its call experience and it makes the next time way easier as a result. You are right on track for how an intelligent person processes a wicked breakup so perhaps breathe a sign of relief over that. Just don't do anything rash and be as easy on yourself as possible right now, k?

Respectfully,
Mrs. Miyagi

JDOP · Dec 11, 2006, 11:59 AM

OK I have an update. The jerk's ex went to see him today and asked what the situation was like. They have had sex. About a week after she broke up with me. The period that she was "in doubt" they already had close contact by mail and texting. So they are a couple now but neither of them is 100 % committed yet. Even the jerk has his doubts because he still loves his ex.
Now the best part comes: this afternoon the jerk and his ex had sex. (can u believe this guy). He didn't want to tell my ex girlfriend about it, but the girl told her anyway by text.

Soooo,
My ex has lied to me about this when I asked her if she had feelings for somebody else. She has kept me on the leesh by saying thing like "never say never" when she was in bed with someone else. She is a coward and a liar. I resent her

Geoffersonairplane · Dec 11, 2006, 12:19 PM

Originally Posted by JDOP

ok I have an update. The jerk's ex went to see him today and asked what the situation was like. They have had sex. About a week after she broke up with me. the period that she was "in doubt" they already had close contact by mail and texting. so they are a couple now but neither of them is 100 % committed yet. Even the jerk has his doubts because he still loves his ex.
Now the best part comes: this afternoon the jerk and his ex had sex. (can u believe this guy). He didn't want to tell my ex girlfriend about it, but the girl told her anyway by text.

Soooo,
My ex has lied to me about this when i asked her if she had feelings for somebody else. She has kept me on the leesh by saying thing like "never say never" when she was in bed with someone else. She is a coward and a liar. I resent her

I don't blame you JDOP for feeling this resentment. Like val (mrs Myagi) said earlier, your ex's lessons are HERS and not yours and although it is natural for you to be curious about what is going on with your ex, it does nothing positive for you dealing with your lessons.

Would you take her back after what she did to you JDOP?

She sounds immature and unsure about what she wants and her ex is even worse. Yet he is just taking advantage of her being confused and probably sees it as an opportunity to sleep with her.

This kind of thing happened with my ex, there was this guy that worked with her that could see that she was feeling confused and wanting to be single e.t.c. Well, he basically too advantage of the situation. I don't know the full story but in week 4, I bumped into her brother and he said she did go for a drink with him. I think they may have had sex (don't rea;;y like to think about it) but soon enough, he revealed his true colours. Guess what JDOP? He was a real player and apparently, she found out he had more than one woman he was doing it too.

It's not your fault JDOP, she does not deserve you! She is already learning JDOP and you are too.

Geoffersonairplane · Dec 11, 2006, 12:23 PM

I would also suggest you keep well away from anything or anyone that can give you an update as to what she is doing.

It will hurt you JDOP and prevent you from moving on.

Point is, try your best to not dwell on the mistakes she has made or is making.

Saintas · Dec 11, 2006, 12:25 PM

"The night I wrote her that letter she called me in tears and said she was sad because of the way things are going"
I have now a second taught about her cry when you send a letter
They have had sex. About a week after she broke up with me
I hate when what I'v said is true in situation like you.
But you must:
SHE DON'T DESERVE NOTHING, NOT TALK ,NOT TO TELL ANITHING , NOT TO CALL, NO STALK, NO SIMPATY FROM YOU, NO FRIENDSHIP, NO NOTHING.
YOU DESERVE MUCH, MORE, HAPINESS , A GOOD SOUL NEAR YOU TO LOVE YOU FOR WHAT ARE YOU.
MOVE ON !
It's HARD but in the end is WARTED .
Really sorry buddy but
She is a coward and a liar

Wildcat21 · Dec 11, 2006, 12:54 PM

I'd wouldn't go back to this gal for all the tea in china. She's a mess. Drama and heartach is her middle name.

Just cut this one off.

Saintas · Dec 11, 2006, 01:04 PM

I believe he doesn't anymore.

Geoffersonairplane · Dec 11, 2006, 01:54 PM

She sounds really mixed up too, she does not seem fit to be in any relationship with her emotions all oer the place.

You don't deserve this JDOP, it's her problem, not yours.

JDOP · Dec 11, 2006, 02:05 PM

All I want now is to realize how much she has hurt me and her friend. I want her to see how repulsive this kind of behaviour really is. I want her to feel the pain I feel. And I will say: I don't care anymore.

The relationship she has with this jerk now is bound to fail anyway so that gives me courage for now.

JDOP · Dec 11, 2006, 02:06 PM

On the other hand, I still love her, and I probably always will.

Geoffersonairplane · Dec 11, 2006, 02:45 PM

Originally Posted by JDOP

On the other hand, I still love her, and I probably always will.

You may always love her but that won't stop you finding love again with someone more deserving of you.

valinors_sorrow · Dec 11, 2006, 03:17 PM

Originally Posted by JDOP

All I want now is to realize how much she has hurt me and her friend. I want her to see how repulsive this kind of behaviour really is. I want her to feel the pain I feel. And I will say: I don't care anymore.

The relationship she has with this jerk now is bound to fail anyway so that gives me courage for now.

That sounds like revenge and that makes you not worthy, be like a helium balloon and rise rise rise here - it is the only way to come away an honorable person. If she were to feel pain and you said, I don't care -- you become like her!

Know who you are. Let me remind you -- you are bigger than this. Much bigger.

Quit tapping into the damn drama. Very foolish move on your part! You hurt you doing that and then look to blame the added hurt on someone else - very wrong to do. Tell yourself you have seen enough to know who you are dealing with. Love who you thought she was and know she is no more--it is as if she died. Let go of the whole thing, dreams and all and let the grieving process begin or plan on much more suffering than is necessary coming to you.

s_cianci · Dec 11, 2006, 07:34 PM

Always take rumors with a grain of salt and always question the motives of people who tell you such things. However, I'd steer clear of her and maintain the no contact thing, despite what she may say. Work on yourself and build your own life without worrying about her. I'm sure that you'll find that you don't need her, especially if there is any truth to these rumors that you've heard.

JDOP · Dec 12, 2006, 01:43 AM

I know the best thing to do is to be indifferent about the whole thing. Easier said than done though. I spoke to my dad yesterday and he said that I shouldn't want to hurt her but that giving a message like "I don't care about you or your actions" will hurt her a lot more than all the curses in the world.
Apart from feeling sorry for myself, I feel sorry for her too, even for the jerk. What they are doing isn't healty, and it's going to come back at them sometime.

SouthernBelle06 · Dec 12, 2006, 01:47 AM

Your dad has an excellent point.
Getting over someone who has wronged us is the best revenge.

s2tp · Dec 12, 2006, 02:27 AM

JDOP,

Yeah I agree... I believe that 'what comes around goes around'...

I can totally sympathize with wanting her to learn a lesson, and to be hurt like you...

My ex hurt me really bad. We had a bad break up and just as I was getting over it I found out he had been married the whole time, bringing all that pain and anger back in full force. I was so furious at him and myself for being so gullable... I gave him excuses during our relationship... I told myself he was busy or forgot, or whatever... but in the end it was me that was the fool.

I had a chance to unleash my anger and I could have went directly to his wife and tell her everything. I also could have gone to his unit and reported him for adultery... I could have hurt him and made him pay for playing me like that... but it didn't feel right. I didn't want revenge... I knew that wasn't going to fix anything. I didn't want to resort to being a vengeful b****... so after confronting him and slowly letting things sink in, I let myself hurt... but then I decided it was enough. I had to let go... I didn't want to 'idolize' that relationship and think about it so much that I wouldn't be abe to see better ones in the future...

It takes time to heal, so I would suggest to let it hurt you a little bit, but don't let it consume you. Its going to hurt cause it was love, it was your heart... but you can heal and you don't have to 'teach her a lesson' in order to do that. You need to think of her as the past, let her go and make her mistakes and learn her own lessons. You have learned yours so you don't need to teach her anything... she will get it on her own.

You may want to have those last words... that last closing.. to try and put it all under the rug... I know how that feels so well! After the break up and after confronting him on the marriage... both times I wanted more to be said... I wanted answers to why... I wanted to feel closure... but eventually I gave up that too. I was only asking for more hurt. So I made up my own closure... I wrote out the story in a blog, everything we had, didn't have and what was lost... then I ended it with my final thoughts... and I have been free of him and the feelings I held onto for so long...

I can only hope that you do not let this hurt you for too long. You seem like you have been strong through it, being able to do the no contact, and being able to release your frustrations here... just keep doing what your doing and time will heal the rest...

Best Wishes

JDOP · Dec 12, 2006, 02:38 AM

The most painful part is that I reall thought it was going to be forever with this girl. I thought she felt the same way about me, at least she told me so. I have never loved anyone like that before and I guess that is why I'm hurt so bad. The joke's on me. It comforts me to know that these kind of things happen every day. I just didn't think she was capable of doing it. And certainly not in this way. I know I couldn't do it to any person. Maybe I'm naïve and maybe it is not as resentful as I'm thinking now. The world has become filled with mean people all of a sudden.