[GCarnegi]

My girlfriend and I love each other very much and we have a wonderful little boy called Alex who is now three (I am 34 and she is 25). Her mum looked after Alex for well over a year as both of us worked. We paid her £300pcm for that as she had bus fares to pay for from her house to ours, which she never used as she decided to sleep on our couch most nights. (We have a two bedroom house so there's wasn't a spare bed). Eventually, Anna could see that Alex's grandmother was becoming too much of a maternal influence on Alex and we decided she should give up work to concentrate more on his upbringing. Obviously this left us with substantially less money but we figured it was worth it to reinforce the relationship between Alex and his mum. I also was glad to have the space to ourselves again as her mum is quite a large woman who is very clumsy, doesn't tidy up after herself and generally has no respect for other peoples belongings (or her own for that matter). That said, My girlfriends family (she has two sisters) are VERY close and won't hear a word said against their mum who takes great pride in (reminding people of) the fact that she brought up the three girls all by herself.

So much so that a couple of years ago they decided to buy their mum a basset hound for her birthday - we all chipped in about £200 each. I was the only voice of reason but was dismissed in all seriousness as a spoilsport. My argument was how was she ever going to manage to keep and feed the dog with zero income, when the £300 per month we were giving her finished - obviously looking after Alex was never going to be a permanent job.

She lives in a small village about 15 miles "off the beaten track" in a council house in complete squallor - cat pee, peeling wallpaper, threadbare carpets, broken bed, overgrown garden, you get the picture. My partner feels a huge responsibility to get her out of this situation (which her sisters don't seem to worry about at all), but obviously that would involve the council finding her a flat "back in civilisation". Unfortunately she has no motivation whatsoever to approach them not to mention their inability to find her something.

Since she finished looking after Alex, she has been on "job seekers" benefit, meaning that she has to do some sort of unpaid work placement every now and then. Recently she just finished a 12 week placement in our town when of course she was back on the couch. Dog peeing on the floor and dog hair everywhere, open dog food tins left lying around the kitchen, unflushed toilets and generally not much fun.

She finished that a few weeks ago and things were fine once more - once I'd cleared up the mess. That done, we have now decided to invest on a new suite and new carpets throughout the house - these get delivered in time for Christmas.

A couple of weeks ago my girlfriend excitedly told me that her mum has just had some great news - after about twenty years being unemployed she has finally landed a job working nightshift at the bakery at our local Tesco's on Thursday to Sunday nights. Although I'd love to be delighted for her, this unfortunately means that she's not only back living at our house, but she's sleeping in our bed all day Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday. (While I'm trying to decorate!) Incidentally we're barely started paying up the £1200 for our new bed and the dog peed on the mattress a couple of nights ago.

My girlfriends family still think I'm the son of Satan for mentioning their mum's lack of self respect about 6wks ago and she is understandably sick of trying to keep her family happy as well as me.

Any act on my part to help the mother-in-law-to-be find new accommodation is seen by all of her family as an act of war! Their attitude is that I think their family is crap compared to mine (who incidentally are more the middle class Hyacinth Bouquet type). Apart from this blind worship of their mother, this couldn't be further from the truth - I am generally very understanding and unjudging of people and like them all for who they are, but they don't believe me when I say that.

Since her teens, my partner has (understandably) suffered from severe depression, and I desperately want her to become more independent and confident - neither of us have any friends or social life apart from with family. She is currently undegoing counseling and I'm sure her mum thinks she is doing her a favour by being around to help.

Everyone I talk to can't believe what I'm putting up with, and all say that they could never do that, but I love my partner so much, and my son is my entire world. My dad and mum split up when I was young and I know that I could NEVER do that. All I'm asking for is a bit of quality of life, without becoming the hated son-in-law/brother-in-law who poisoned my girlfriends mind against her family. Most of all, I want Anna to get though her depression and live a normal, outgoing life without feeling torn between me and her family. Is that asking too much??

By the way, if I try to talk to her mum about any of this, she gets ashamed and walks out in a huff before I can finish the first sentence, then gives me the cold shoulder for a couple of weeks (while still living in my house!) - Awkward to say the least.

[GCarnegi]

I'm guessing by the lack of responses that I'm relatively screwed then.

Best regards
Buggered

[Kaiya]

I'm guessing by the lack of responses that I'm relatively screwed then.

best regards
Buggered

Relativley screwed is close I am sorry to say.

You got the risk that because of your misses depression you can't complain to her and because of the familys love you can't complain to them.

You got to try and spin it round abit if you want out of this.

You say she now has a job near you and she wants to be round your misses lots. Well if you can cope with her as a visiter (who lives else were) your best option is to spin the truth.

Tell her mum that you think the dog is not good for the baby and you think its putting a lot of stress on your misses HOWEVER your misses would love ot have her near so why don't you help her speak with the council about getting her moved near you so she will be around for your misses when she needs to give support but she will have her own freedom (and you yours).

You can if you play it right look like the loving son inlaw who helped there mum get a nice flat near by were they can visit and make sure she is OK and were she will regularly see her daughter (all the while getting her out of your house).

You can have much of a love life or support and the extra person in the house always makes things stressfull and with a kid its not good to have someone who is coursing the kid confusion on perental influence. You got to puch these things to her while saying it would be great for her to have a nice flat near by were she can visit and such.

Sorry hope it helps :)

[N0help4u]

A. The mom chooses to live the way she does and so
B. What is buying her new carpeting going to accomplish when she will continue to allow the dog to pee on it and within a year it will be in as bad of shape as it is now?
C. I would use the money for something more worthwhile even if it is still used to benefit her. Maybe take her on a vacation. That should shut them up that you cared enough that you were willing to take her on vacation with you and your girlfriend.
D. You need to stay out of it. Mom should live where she wants so her daughters really should stay out of it too unless she asks for help with something.

[Kaiya]

A. The mom chooses to live the way she does and so
B. What is buying her new carpeting going to accomplish when she will continue to allow the dog to pee on it and within a year it will be in as bad of shape as it is now?
C. I would use the money for something more worthwhile even if it is still used to benefit her. Maybe take her on a vacation. That should shut them up that you cared enough that you were willing to take her on vacation with you and your gf.
D. You need to stay out of it. Mom should live where she wants so her daughters really should stay out of it too unless she asks for help with something.

Don't think you got it to be honest.
A - I agree people will live how they live
B- new carpet is pointless but who said get her new carpet they were carpeting there own place (and just because mum wants to live in dog pee don't mean everyone else does) hence I say help her get anouther place closer to work then she has no reason to stay at there's!
C - If he is strugling to cope living with her going on holiday with her isn't a great idea at all! And they said they were short on cash but need to redecorate not choice (they have a child pee filled carpe is bad for child)
D Stay out of it LOL if someone is living in YOUR house and ruining YOUR things it is your business and mums can live were they want in there OWN property but unwelcomed guess firend mum ANYONE do not get to live with someone if there not wanted!

The guy is trying to reclaim his own home which everyone has the right to only he doesn't want to be the evil guy who told mum in law that staying over at there house all the time is not on anymore. At end of day if you get a job far from work and need to be nearer you move you don't inconveniance everyone else regardless of your relationship there is always a limit!

[spoilsport]

OK, you might want to establish some rules here, slowly at first, kindly and patiently- something that everyoen will follow and do including yourself. Have a open discussion - more as a family meet and discuss and try and come out with mutually acceptable to do list.
Can you get a ghousekeper/helper?

Goodluck

[Jake2008]

I think this is a situation that will only get worse, as she gets older, and her habits are even more disgusting.

Your priority should be only with your wife and child. With that one goal, you need to eliminate the added pressure of taking on your mother in law, and all her problems.

With your wife in therapy, and two households upside down, start with giving your mother in law a date where she is not going to be allowed to sleep on the couch any longer. Offer again what you have- assistance in finding a better home, helping her move, etc. but, this sleeping on the couch 4 days a week, particularly when she is a slob, is only adding to the stress you are under, and is undermining the original goal of having your wife at home to raise your child.

Now that the mother in law is working, she should be able to find a room in a flat, or some other accommodation. She's a grown up woman with an income, and needs to rely on herself more, and you less.

I would inform your wife's sisters via email, in a nice way, that you have decided that these changes are in the best interest of YOUR family, and perhaps they would like to step up and assist with what needs to be done, as far as finding new accommodation, etc.

She is taking advantage of you and your wife, and has learned that her entire family can put enough pressure on you that you continue to allow her to do as she pleases. That she ignores and disrespects you when you are upfront enough to address problems, is further proof of that.

You cannot be taken advantage of unless you allow it. Assure your wife that you will help out when its appropriate, but your home will belong to only the three of you, and you will no longer allow her mother to sleep on your couch and disrupt your life.

You might enlist the help of a counsellor to speak to your mother in law, and ask for recommendations and suggestions in order to help her be independent and take care of her own needs.

Keep your priorities in check, and put the well being of your wife and son first, and everything else will fall into play.

[Jake2008]

Oops!

Just noticed how old this thread was. OP is long gone.

[Gemini54]

oops!

Just noticed how old this thread was. OP is long gone.

Hopefully, the MIL and the dog stopped peeing on the carpet!