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cochabamba · Dec 14, 2009, 11:21 PM

Warning: long post made by a person so pigheaded as to be beyond help. Probably not worth bothering with.

When my girlfriend of four years broke up with me, I was relieved. We had always got on fantastically, she was everything I had ever looked for in a woman -- and I say that in all seriousness: my friends would laugh when I told them about her, as she so perfectly fit the profile of what they knew I had always hoped to find.

However, the relationship was bad, because I never loved her. I felt sad and confused that the feelings never materialized, and worried that if I didn't love someone who seemed so perfect, I would never love anyone. She was clearly crazy about me, a very warm and wonderful person, utterly beautiful and talented, but I had no love to give. I worked hard to be good to her, was always considerate, never cheated, but couldn't hide the fact that my liking for her did not come close to matching her feelings for me. We stopped living together, and I would use every excuse not to sleep with her, even though she is an outstandingly attractive woman. I was a cowardly schmuck and should have broken up with her a long time before.

Finally, she made the difficult decision to break up with me, and I was relieved. She found another boyfriend within weeks -- I suspect she left me because she saw the chance to start a better relationship, and I bear her no ill will for that -- and I congratulated her, I was happy she had found someone and hoped it would work out.

A few nights later I visited her at her home, and we had a long talk about things that had scared us to discuss while we were dating. What her friends had said about me (all good), what she'd been thinking about me (mostly good), what I'd been thinking about her (complicated but good), sexual things (OK, not so good); things that any couple in a good relationship isn't scared to discuss. That night I fell for her.

I don't need to go into the details of the way I feel; it's new and incredibly raw to me, but you've all heard it before, and most of you have been where I am now. Only woman for me, can't live without her, can make her the happiest woman alive, want to die, blah blah blah. (Note: despite this last feeling I am definitely not suicidal, I've made my absolute decision there.) I keep writing her long emails explaining my feelings, we've had even longer and somewhat rambling conversations, we've cried together over it. I couldn't eat for a week, and am still losing weight fast (over a month later -- I've gone from muscular to seriously underweight).

Now, I've read enough posts on this site (and enough books and plays... ) to know that the consensus best advice is to cut off all contact with her, enjoy life, work on feeling good about myself and who I am, and get on with living (personal big up to talaniman for that style of well-grounded tip in the posts I've been reading, but there are so many great advisors here!). Taking that course of action, I have no doubt that over the coming months I can learn to accept that this relationship is a non-starter, and go on to be happy on my own and then, who knows, happy with someone else, for whom I will doubtless come to feel everything that I feel now for my ex. I totally understand that, for someone where I am now, that is the best possible advice.

I'm not going to take it. You can all write it to me, you can shout at me in with the CAPS LOCK down, water off a duck's back my friends. I don't want to move on, I don't even want to want to move on, I want to make our relationship work; I want to shower her with love and affection and make her world filled with pure joy. I want to share everything with her, and grow old by her side. I have absolutely no interest in anyone else, and if loving her means loving her in vain, I'm willing to take another 50 years of this (none of my grandparents made 80, so it might not even be so long).

So, I'm not asking you how to carry on and live a happy and fulfilled life. Fine for some people, but not what I'm after; in any case, no need to ask, the information in already out there. I'm asking how to get back into a relationship with this one girl. I know that it's almost certainly not going to happen, and that if it did then the relationship would almost certainly turn into such a hideous disaster that mankind could never again inhabit the city where it happened. Those "almost certainly"s are a risk I'm willing to take.

So, how do I take best advantage of these vanishingly slim chances? Do I keep telling her I love her so she knows she can come back? Everyone says that's crazy, but surely people wouldn't have the instinct to do it if it absolutely never worked, and Eric Clapton did end up marrying the girl her wrote Layla about.

Do I turn my back on her so she realizes she needs me? If you're thinking of telling me that so to fool me into taking the Good Advice mentioned above and getting over her... well, good idea, but I'm wise to you now and hence very suspicious.)

Do I stay friends with her, inflicting gaping wounds on myself as she tells me of her happiness with the new man, hiding my own feelings until my soul becomes a twisted, dried out husk? I quite like the sound of that one (seriously). Or do I fake relaxed happiness without her, maybe even a new relationship, so she feels jealous? Or, of course, perhaps someone out there has an even more cunning and Machiavellian scheme to recommend. Any personal experiences of cases where people went back to exes under similar circumstances would be much appreciated. No need to mention subsequent events if they ended horribly.

Writing this, I realize that it looks as though I'm not serious, and just trying to draw out a certain kind of response. Please understand that I have a huge respect for those of you who give your time and wisdom here to help people in dire situations, and that I am a real person who is going through an incredibly unpleasant experience; my self-mocking tone is due to a combination of traditional English reserve and desperate suffering. I wish I could bring myself to take the advice that is clearly for the best, and perhaps in time I'll come to that, but right now I can't bring myself to take any action not aimed at being with the woman I feel such a need for. I can see that this relationship is very unlikely to succeed, but my heart assure me that it must. Knowing how to move on is useless until I want to.

cochabamba · Dec 14, 2009, 11:25 PM

OK admins, this was a really stupid thing to post. If I don't want good advice, I shouldn't come to a place that gives good advice. Bin it, delete it, erase it from existence. Apologies to everyone.

ChildOfGod_1 · Dec 15, 2009, 12:02 AM

Do you really really really love her deeply? Do you feel incomplete without her? Will u still love her even when she wrinkles with age? Ask your heart - If it can shout out a "YES" - then go for her.

Be serious this time - tel her of your pure love for her, and mean it.
And keep telling her, and don't give up. But at all times keep checking your heart - at any point of time if it says to you - "Man she is really not worth all this trouble" - then its time for you to re-analyze your feelings for her. And if you can still say YES to her - go on with your attempts...

Love you buddy!

Alty · Dec 15, 2009, 12:07 AM

Originally Posted by cochabamba

OK admins, this was a really stupid thing to post. If I don't want good advice, I shouldn't come to a place that gives good advice. Bin it, delete it, erase it from existence. Apologies to everyone.

You can PM one of the mods and request that they delete it, but it's not likely that they will.

It's part of the terms you agreed to. That's why we recommend that you think before you post.

Your thread is now the property of AMHD.

Like I said, you can ask but I doubt they'll do it.

Good luck.

cochabamba · Dec 15, 2009, 12:09 AM

Hell yes! She is worth every second of it. I like your style, Child of God. I've got to stay honest to myself, and honest with her. I don't want my love to fade, but if it starts to, I tell her and tell myself. Until then, I do what comes naturally. If I gave up on this now just because it hurts, I would never quite stop wondering whether things might have been different. Got to see it through. Psyched!

cochabamba · Dec 15, 2009, 12:15 AM

@altenweg: wild mood swings and changes of mind, depression and elation in the time it takes to draw breath, and total uncertainty on everything? From someone with relationship problems? It must be the first time ever!

Seriously, I wrote this in all seriousness, and it has the benefit of being True to my feelings now. If the community considers it offensive (which was my worry; I don't want to disrespect good advice for finding happiness), let it be deleted; if anyone might learn anything from this, let it stay.

In balance, if people will contribute useful suggestions (and they've already started), this thread could be useful to a lot of people. Being told the best advice, and actually convincing yourself to take the best advice, are not the same thing.

Thanks for your post, Altenweg.

Alty · Dec 15, 2009, 12:22 AM

Trust me, we've all had those "I need to get this off my chest now" moments. If the mods think it's offensive they'll delete it.

I'm not a mod, so it's not up to me.

Let it go for now and see what advice you get. I have to admit I didn't read your entire thread yet, I just saw the second post where you asked to have it deleted.

I'll read it tomorrow, when my eyes are once again able to focus for more then 5 minutes at a time. ;)

ChildOfGod_1 · Dec 15, 2009, 03:45 AM

Originally Posted by cochabamba

Hell yes! She is worth every second of it. I like your style, Child of God. I've got to stay honest to myself, and honest with her. I don't want my love to fade, but if it starts to, I tell her and tell myself. Until then, I do what comes naturally. If I gave up on this now just because it hurts, I would never quite stop wondering whether things might have been different. Gotta see it through. Psyched!

Good! Will Keep u in mu prayers cochabamba

amicon · Dec 15, 2009, 05:52 AM

Childof I completely disagree with your advice. OP- ever heard of sour grapes? She broke up with you,she's with somebody else now you love her? What makes you think she'll swoon with delight when she receives your emails? The decent thing would be to let her get on with her life.BTW Patti Boyd divorced Clapton years ago.

cochabamba · Dec 15, 2009, 06:38 AM

Yeah, but he was a junkie.

talaniman · Dec 15, 2009, 10:17 AM

Just let us know when your ready to listen, we will be here with good advice, and if you happen to get her back, let us know that too.

Till then, take your chances. Good luck with that.

sabrewolfe · Dec 15, 2009, 10:42 AM

Tell her how you feel, but don't be over bearing. Let her know that her happiness comes first and that you will be there if she ever decides to give it another chance. And leave it at that. Don't agree to being friends with her because the less you know about her new relationship, the better. Be happy and motivated with your own life, keeping her in your heart but not dominating your mind. Good luck and best wishes.

Devorameira · Dec 15, 2009, 11:01 AM

You seem to want us to tell you to try and get her back, but I don't think that's all you'll hear on this forum.

I personally don't think you love her at all. I think you're just feeling emotional because she's moved on so easily. She was there for you a long time and loved you and treated you great. In all that time you didn't develop a longing or love for her. Then suddenly when she's gone and has a new man showing her affection, you decide that you now love her and want to do whatever it takes to get her back. I think you're just experiencing human nature : wanting what you don't have. I think if you did get her back that you would change your mind and suddenly fall "out of love" with her. Let her have a happy life - leave her alone!

--------------------------------------

Isn’t this true: We enter relationships as a somebody and leave them as a nobody.

ChildOfGod_1 · Dec 15, 2009, 11:04 AM

Originally Posted by amicon

Childof I completely disagree with your advice. OP- ever heard of sour grapes? She broke up with you,she's with somebody else now you love her?!What makes you think she'll swoon with delight when she recieves your emails? The decent thing would be to let her get on with her life.BTW Patti Boyd divorced Clapton years ago.

Hi amicon, I believe that true love is persistent. She might not swoon with delight when she reads his e-mails... but there is a chance... I don't think that it is impossible to win her back.

Its easy to get discouraged and frustrated on looking at circumstances and logic. But winners look beyond failures! That is what I believe in. May be Chochabamba's ex might realise his true love someday! Why not? I have seen plenty number of cases where in an ex-xouple has realised there true love after there break-up and rebound relationships!

cochabamba · Dec 15, 2009, 11:26 AM

@Devomareira: I hear you, friend. I'm a human being, maybe my motivations aren't what I think they are, maybe a new relationship with her would be a replay of the old one, and maybe in time I'll come to realize that. I have an overpowering feeling that I had big problems before and was not in touch with my feelings regarding anything in life, and I now feel like a totally new man, experiencing life in a new way -- it's refreshing despite the pain. But I know that a lot of people say that they've changed and it turns out not to be true; I don't know whether at the time they felt it like I do, or whether they were lying from the start. I have to be sure of this before starting any relationship, and I like to feel that I'm making a lot of personal progress towards that goal.

@talaniman: having read a lot of your posts here, I have a huge amount of respect for you and know that you're a person worth listening to. Rest assured that I think over your philosophy and won't forget it, and thanks for understanding that right now I'm just not ready to want to move on.

@sabrewolfe: thanks a lot. That's balanced: crazy romantic enough that I'm listening, but grounded enough not to be too much of a highway to insanity.

@Child of God: once again, thanks for the support.

Bayoo · Dec 15, 2009, 02:40 PM

It's interesting that you write this as I'm probably in the same position as you are, I wasn't sure about my relationship, and my feelings for her didn't even come close to her feelings for me... until she wanted some time off, in a day I was feeling like I haven't felt before, I had physical pain from this and all I wanted was her, my doubts were cleared that day.

But now, don't know if I'm going to get back, probably don't just like you, but I don't want to move on either. The full story I guess it's in another thread, I'm actually in NC phase.

cochabamba · Dec 15, 2009, 02:57 PM

Good luck Bayoo. From what I read here, as well as my own personal experience, NC is the best and perhaps the only way to get over her. Getting over her is probably the best thing, as our relationships were clearly not totally satisfactory. Once you've made the decision to get on with your life, you have to be strong and stick to the NC: it will definitely work, and the pain will go away.

However, I don't think that we on the message board can tell you when enough is enough. We can talk probabilities, we can say how she's not the only one who can be perfect for you, how likely you are to find someone else, how your emotions can lead you down the wrong path. This is good advice, and you'd be a fool not to listen: many, many other have been where we are now, and they can tell us what happened for them.

But only you know your own heart. Sometimes, you just have to take the risk, and fall flat again, and take it again, and get knocked back down, and you come back here bruised and battered and we'll try to help you make sense of it again. And sometimes, the time comes to call it quits and work on making yourself whole. NC is a tool: you just have to want the result it will give you.

Gemini54 · Dec 15, 2009, 05:58 PM

Jee-zuz. You're the sort of guy that makes me want to bash my head against the keyboard... repeatedly...

This poor woman, who seemingly cared about you and gave the relationship her best shot - while you withheld and denied her the one thing she craved - now has to put up with you fawning all over her and protesting that you actually DO love her.

Speaking from a female point of view I would find your turnaround and your protestations that you're a changed man nauseating and suspicious to say the least. I find it curious that you only allowed these so called feelings of undying love for her to come to the surface after she found (your words) a better relationship.

For God's sake leave the poor woman alone! Haven't you tortured her enough? Hasn't she suffered enough? You are now in the process of denying her the opportunity to be happy and to be loved - again. Can't you see the pattern? She's with someone else now, perhaps you should show some consideration for him in all of this drama that you're creating.

Your soul is already a withered, dried out husk (your words) and you don't seem to have a healthy approach towards love or any capacity for compassion.

I don't have a Machiavellian solution to yourself inflicted woes, but I would strongly suggest a course in Emotional Intelligence.

... stops beating head against keyboard...

cochabamba · Dec 15, 2009, 06:10 PM

Powerful stuff, Gemini. You might well be right. I should try the NC thing until I know who I am.

paxe · Dec 15, 2009, 06:19 PM

Here's what's going to happen (not what you should do):
You're going to give yourself hope and you're going to stay "friends" with her. You're going to try every trick in the book. You're going to try to pass a lot of time to her, you are going to tell her all the time your feelings. Once you see that this won't work, you'll go and think of something else.

You probably are going to fake your happiness and find "someone" to replace her (basically you're going to use someone). You will see this won't work also. Then you are going to try NC but to get her back, but you'll break it a couple of time.

After a couple of months having tried all that and getting your heart broken and broken again until there is almost nothing left, you will resort to NC because, in the end, this is what everybody does. You will tell yourself that you were really dumb before that and you should have listened to us in the first place.

See you in a couple of month.