[callytie]

A few months ago I finally made the decision to end a 4-year relationship from which the love had gone a long time before. It was a very difficult and painful decision, but the breakup was mutual and we were sure we would stay good friends. Within weeks I found myself in love with a wonderful man, and the relationship we now have, three months later, is all I had ever dreamed of.

Immediately after the breakup I tried to talk things over with my ex, but he just said he was fine. When I told him about my new boyfriend, he said he was happy I had found someone, had understood that I would, and knew I was a person who feels comfortable in a relationship. Soon after, however, he became inconsolable. He says he had been in shock at the breakup, didn't know what he felt; that since years before he hadn't been in touch with his feelings and hadn't been able to give me the love I needed, but that now that he has come to terms with his emotions he knows that I am the only woman for him, and that he can bring me more happiness than anyone else in the world. He tries not to mention these things to me in person, but regularly emails me with words of his undying love.

I have made my decision, and am totally happy and content in my present relationship. It pains me to see someone I care about going through so much suffering, but I have no interest in ending a happy relationship to return to a dysfunctional one. I love my boyfriend.

Meanwhile, my boyfriend in envious of my ex. He has been a major part of my life and so he comes up in a lot of the anecdotes of my past; he also lives with my family, renting a room in my mother's house (even though he's successful enough to rent a plush apartment if he wants to). He gets on fantastically with my younger sisters, my grandfather, and my mother, who thinks of him as her own son. He is also an extremely good-looking man, works out a lot and has a great body, makes charming and witty conversation, is admired by everyone, and is the most intelligent person I have ever met. Please understand that these outward features have no effect on me, my boyfriend is all I'll ever need in a man, when I see him I light up, but I can still recognize the objective external qualities of my ex.

So, the two problems: first, of course, it makes me sad to see that my ex is not doing well; he also talks over his pain and loss with my family, who feel deeply for him and perhaps don't understand from the outside why I don't share his feelings. All the same, they are very supportive of me and my new relationship, and show no ill will to my boyfriend.

What worries me more is that my boyfriend feels a lot of pain through jealousy of my ex. Knowing that I care about a highly attractive man who is openly in love with me makes him feel insecure in our relationship, no matter how much I assure him that he is the only one for me. I also try to avoid taking my boyfriend to my family home, as it hurts him to see my ex and it hurts my ex to see him. My ex tries to be a friend and wants me to be able to tell him about my life, but although he tries to hide it I know that he cries himself to sleep if I talk about my relationship. I'm also growing wary of mentioning him to my boyfriend due to discomfort that causes, even though I generally confide everything in the man of my life.

I no longer live with my mother, and I would feel bad asking her to kick my ex out of the house; he's a good tenant, pays his rent, and she loves him deeply. He in infatuated with me, and convinces himself that my current relationship is short term and that I'll come back to him in time; in a sense he knows that this is not realistic, but he says that he needs the hope to keep him going, and that he will do anything in his power to get back together with me while there is any chance at all of it working, no matter how slight.

I really need good advice on this one.

[glenboy123]

Erm... bottom line is... your in a rebound relation. End of. By simply jumping so soon into another relationship you haven't given yourself enough time to heal emotionally and you are displaying the classic signs of viewing your current boyfriend as your "knight in shining armour". After being in a long term relationship with your ex boyfriend for 4 years, you are going to be feeling a lot of emotional heartache, whether you want to admit it or not.

As for him being a tenant... thats tricky.

[redhed35]

Hello callytie. ( iwont mention the title of your post,honest!)

The problem I see is that your ex is still very much apart of your life,he lives with your mother,good tenent or not, if you have any influence over your mother ,get him out of there,pronto!

The are a few things in your post that pose red flags.

1. your ex is discussing your relationship with your family.

2. your new relationship happens within weeks of ending a four year relationship,no time to grieve or get any perspective.

3. no contact is a proven tool in recovering from a broken relationship.

4. you are now in a new relationship and you are accepting email of love from your ex... ( that has got too stop if he is ever going to get the message)

5. its no wonder your boyfriend is going nuts, imagine if the roles were reversed.

6. think of your future... will your ex be at your wedding as a friend of the family!

7. although you say you new boyfriend is everything and light s you up,you never listed his good qualities.. but gave a pretty good list of your ex.

To try and help,I would suggest the ex has got to go...

[talaniman]

Your doing a really lousy job of convincing the new guy your over your ex, and even worse of a job making your ex leave you alone, and stop being part of your life.

Your family allowing the ex to still talk about you because of rent money helps nothing either.

You must make a stronger effort to cut the ex from your life, or the new guy is out of there.

[callytie]

Wow, you folks are fantastic -- I wasn't expecting such deep advice, and I certainly wasn't expecting it so fast.

The title I tried to put on the post was "Boyfriend jealous of my ex", and that's what I wanted it to be about. Hence trying to explain what qualities of my ex might make my boyfriend feel insecure. Once again, these do not make me find my ex attractive.

My boyfriend is the most beautiful man I have ever seen. All my friends rave about my ex's looks, so I guess objectively speaking maybe he is something, but to me it's the current man always and forever. Yeah, he has a little bit of a tummy and my ex has a male-model sixpack, but that has absolutely zero effect on the effect on me.

My boyfriend is incredibly fun to be with, and he's a very smart guy -- the youngest doctoral candidate at my university.

Here's the ex for you: I once told him I was having real trouble with the final essay for a masters course I was taking (this is when we were dating). I was desperate for some affection, and the course had been heavy going for me all semester; I wanted sympathy and support. Instead, he asks me the title and carries on at his computer like I'm not there (which he always did). A few hours later, he says he has an idea for the essay and tries to explain it to me -- he's never studied anything in that field, and like I say I was finding it tough, and I didn't really understand.

He wrote the dissertation in 2 days, working through all my course notes and a bunch of extra references, I got the maximum possible grade, and my professors then invited me to meet with a bunch of national experts in the field: they'd passed my dissertation around and wanted to discuss "my" groundbreaking and original ideas. So yes, he's clever, but what I wanted was a boyfriend, not an essay machine.

All through our relationship he acted like he didn't care about me. He was always there to provide material help with my problems, but never wanted to talk things out, never showed any love for me. He now says that he was not in contact with his emotions, he feels terrible that he didn't have the love that I needed, and now he does; he's a totally different person, he says. I suspect that he hasn't changed as much as he honestly thinks.

Being with him was not like being in a relationship. He avoided me, stopped living with me to move to my family home (supposedly because the location was better for a certain university), and by the end we were making love maybe once a month. At the best of time the sex was bad, it lasted a very long time and he would often lose interest, it didn't feel like intense intimate contact.

I don't really know what a rebound relationship is, but what I feel for my boyfriend is very intense and I'm sure it's love. I only want to be with him, and for him to be happy and secure.

Oh, I'll have a think about getting the ex to move out. I don't know, it's tough.

[talaniman]

Maybe your fantastic new boyfriend has some issues you didn't know about, but are seeing for the first time. That's a whole other issue to deal with.

If he is insecure and you can't reassure him, I see problems with the new guy, if he can't get over it.

Sometimes its not about you, its about them and the way they are.

[callytie]

Big thanks again to everyone, and particularly to whichever admin helped out with the post title issue! I feel better for having read your advice, though sometimes good ideas are still hard to take.

I think the ex living with my family is maybe quite a big part of the problem, but I really don't want to make an issue of it with my mother. He's a good friend to all of them, helps my sisters with their schoolwork, and he's there to keep my elderly grandfather company in the daytime as he works from home, they all love him, plus I don't live there any more.

I also do enjoy seeing him when I'm over there, although I worry that he's still in quite a bad way over the breakup even though he tries to hide that from me. He says he's waiting for me to be ready to be with him again, and even though I tell him it's over I can't deny that couples have got together again so it's not impossible that my feelings change, no matter how sure I am that they won't -- I do make clear that as far as I'm concerned my decision is made and I'm not looking back.

It gets me down to see him so sad and wasting his emotions like that, but he clearly enjoys seeing me and talking to me. Meanwhile, I don't know how to make clear to the man I love that he has nothing to worry about. It pains me that I can't make him feel relaxed and comfortable in our relationship, but I really want to make it work and feel that he is the man for me.

[Llisa]

Dear Cally,

OMG, what a mess! I feel really sorry for your boyfriend. This is a terrible situation he is in. If you don't do something to remedy this constant contact with your ex, it then becomes a situation you are putting your boyfriend through.

Your poor boyfriend cannot do anything about this appalling situation except leave you and your relationship behind. Is that what you want? If you truly want a loving, caring and lasting relationship with this man, then you have got to take some action, if this means sacrifices then if he is worth it then make them.

Regarding your family, be truthful, they don't need your ex do they? They got along well without him before they new him. Sure you want to be seen as the goody, by not rocking the boat, but girl you've got to make some hard decisions. Stop sitting on your metaphorical behind and make some serious decisions. What is important to you? (When I say this, I don't mean it's a choice between your family and your boyfriend, it is a choice between keeping this situation going or your boyfriend.)


PS. I'm sure your family would be happy to change this situation for your happiness. And all it really is is a change of tenant, it's not like they never have to see him again, he just can't live there!

[dmredman78]

The fact is... it is disrespectful to your new love to continue to be friends with an ex of this magnitude. I am going through something similar and I can tell you... being that I am the new love and dealing with my fiance's ex... I laid down some rules and if she can't choose me over him... it is going to be a real simple decision for me.