[djshuler]

Hi,

A couple of days ago, my wife of the past 5+ years just dropped a total bomb on me. She told me that she wasn't "in love with me" anymore, but she still loves me, cares for me and doesn't want me to get hurt.

A little history...

We knew each other through other people for about 9 months give or take hanging out with common friends but not really with each other. We both went through rough spells around the same time with other people and ended up leaning on each other, then we both decided to see each other exclusively. That lasted for all about two months then we got engaged, a month later we got married, and 2 months after that she got pregnant with our first son. At that time she was 19 and I was 22 and we both got married faster than most. I was in the Marines and I got out 3 months after our first son was born and we ended up moving to Phoenix (because her family is there) rather than Kentucky (which was the original destination, my family) and we've been here ever since. The plan was to move to Kentucky after I got my BAE, but now moving after that may be a little rocky, and also throw into the mix we now have a 6 month old son also.

Back to now...

This all started just a couple of days ago, when she told me that she didn't know how to tell me and just came out and said it. The first thing I thought of was where did I go wrong? She told me I haven't done anything wrong, I don't beat her, I love our children, I treat everybody good, it's just that that "spark" we had in the beginning has faded for her and she feels that she has lost a major part of her life because we got married and had a son pretty fast. I love her with all my heart and soul and I don't want to lose her as I would be completely destroyed not to mention the two sons we have. My family is in Ohio and Kentucky and most of her family is now in Arizona (originally form Long Island, NY) so that makes things for me harder as well. She told me she feels that if we didn't get married so soon or at all, we wouldn't have our first born so soon or at all, and things would be completely different than they are now. Which I agree with, but things do happen for a reason, but yet, here we are. I, on the other hand, say yes we did rush it a little, but I'm fine with it, because I like to think I'm one of the lucky ones who got it right the first time, and I'm completely happy with how my life has turned out, except for this part, though. This is killing me inside.

I know many people have gone through what I'm going through, married young, have kids, one feels they missed out on life and the other one doesn't. I'm looking into marriage counseling, marriage retreats, cruises to Mexico, something, anything to rekindle what we had, you name it. I haven't told my family about this as we are about to visit them in the beginning of Dec, and I haven't talked to her family about this yet, but I do plan on it very shortly. I don't want to have my life turn out life my parents' did. Divorced with children. It ate me up then and I don't want my boys to go what I went through. I hoped this day would never come because I don't know how I would handle it, because I love her and our children so much.

I've asked her things like "How much in love are you not with me?" "How long have you felt this way?" "Is there anything I can do to help?" and all the answers are a little indecisive and she keeps referring to missing out on life or she can't explain it.

How do get her to focus on what we have now and not the speculation of a life missed out on without losing her forever?

[rol]

Sorry for what you are going through...
I think for now you both need some time apart from each other , do not try to persuade her any more , you have to accept now that she needs to get back her lost life and find that spark for you again. Get your own place and do not contact her, You need to get new interests and get happy again and bring back that spark... perhaps you were always too available to her. When she calls to see you do not be available , don't return calls for a day or 2 , let her wonder what you are up to! let her see you are happy without her and life goes on, eventually she will wonder what she is doing and that the life she thought she had missed out on is in fact just an illusion...

There is a site called lovetactics.com and there was advice given to a situation like yours..
Here it is below. Maybe your situation is a bit different though but I guess you can read it anyhow and use some of the advice

"The minute your spouse begins to act like they want out, you not only need to give them all the line they need to show that you're not going to stand in the way, but it is helpful to pull the rug out from under them by facilitating the process and showing that you are more than willing to go your separate way if they don't want you anymore. To bend over backwards to try to please them at this critical moment only makes you come across as needy and desperate, at the very moment you need to be showing strength of character and emotional self-reliance. You MUST command their respect if there is any chance of redeeming this marriage, but catering to their whims at this point only makes them disrespect you more. That is not to say that you shouldn't be very kind and a good listener while discussing this. Just let it be clear that, now that they've expressed their desire to be gone, you want a specific date when you can start planning your life on your own and let them know you intend to hold them to it. Let them realize this is no bluffing game. "If you want out, go, but if you're not sure, then you better start talking fast because now the clock is ticking and I'm not waiting long before I'll initiate proceedings myself!" Make him respect you first and then when he decides to stay, I guarantee you he'll be much happier! Even if he still goes, though, he will still regret it more if you have renewed his respect in this fashion. "

[rol]

Also you cannot connvince anyone of anything, she needs to realise by herself. The issue will come up again in the future if she does not deal with it now. So set her free for now.

[talaniman]

I agree with rol, you do have to let her make her own decision but first make sure she is not depressed because of having a baby six months ago. More females go through this after child birth than you can imagine. See a doctor first for professional advice and rule depression out before you move to the next step.


Here are number of websites to check out.

http://www.google.com/search?sourcei...er+child+birth

Good Luck.

[Geoffersonairplane]

also you cannot connvince anyone of anything, she needs to realise by herself. The issue will come up again in the future if she does not deal with it now. So set her free for now.

I agree with Rol, 19 was way too young to be thinking of marriage and even for you, 22 at the time was also waaaayyyyy too young.

Although she may still love you and I am sure she does, she feels like she has missed out on something in her life and whilst she may feel the grass could be greener on the other side, she will probably realise that what she missed out on really was not all that great. That will take time though..

For you, I suggest giving her the time she needs. It is better it happens now as Rol says as if it does not, it sure will in the future.. You have kids together and have a strong bond and a good reason to keep it together but for now, respect her decision.

[Skell]

I really feel for you. I went through a vry similar thing with my ex except that I didn't get married or have kids. So I can't begin to imagine how much more complicated it is for you.

So I really feel for you.

But if I can offer some advice I would say that you have to pull back now. It is hard because you have responsibilities but all I can say is that no amount of begging or pleading will convince her to come back.

She needs to do it on her own.

I tried my hardest to convince my girlfriend of 7 years that what she was telling me wasn't right. That of course she still was in love with me and she didn't want out. But I was wrong. The more I tried to convince the further I pushed her away.

It is such a tough situation for you and we all know your pain. So I would say just focus on making your kids as happy as they can be and also look after your own well being. Try and do things to take your mind off it. It is impossible I know but you can still try.

Give her some space and time to think and hopefully she wakes up to herself. But you won't convince her. It has to be done by her.

Good luck and stick around and keep us posted

[tabbarat]

Its hard bro... I know fro mexperience... u miss her and miss being with her... and u feel lost... u want to go out and party but its not the same

But the RIGHT thing to do is give space and time and see where that takes u.. sometmes the right thing to do is a hard thing to do

[kitten420]

Ok she sounds very selfish. She chose the road that she is on and there is nothing she can do to take any of that back she has kids now and a family and she really needs to relizer that nothing is ever going to be the way it was before. Honestly I think that she might have a little post pardem depression your kid is only 6 months old she could have developed that and sometimes it lasts for up to a year. Basically when she says she missed out on her life she missed out on being young and having fun , etc. but if everything was fine befiore I really wouldn't look into it as it's a problem with you because its not. Most likley she is depressed and I would suggest post pardom. Try rekendiling your romance take her out on a niht on the town something exciting that young people do so she can see that she don't have to leave you to have fun. Try anything you can think of. Make her relize that she can have fun still and she can do it with you. There is no possible way that she can go back into her past and re live it. She has a family now. And she needs to take responsiblility.

[Mach4]

I agree with Kitten. I am 22 married and have 2 kids with one on the way and my wife is not in love with me but loves me. Romance her find lots of baby sitters and take her out. Stay busy when you are not with her make her something, work "something". Be content with where you are at for now. It is hard. Tell her that you love her enough to let her go. Read books like the Love Dare from the movie Fireproof take the kids over night and be with them if you can or whever available. Don't withdraw and wait for her. Pay her bills cause regardless of what happens you got to pay, and commit to loving her like when you were dating till death do you part, let her pull the strings of divorce if that what she wants and if you really love her don't sign, and don't cheat or it is over for sure. I encourage you to stick to your word like the day of your wedding. That is what I am doing. Good Luck and God Speed.

[Catsmine]

Mach4, do you think they might have resolved the issue since the original question was asked 3 years ago?