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brownbrussels · Dec 13, 2009, 01:26 PM

My boyfriend's mother and him were never close. She left him, his father, and his 2 siblings and married his dad's brother and moved away, splitting the family in half.
She is now back dying of liver cirrhosis and her and the "uncle"/"step-dad" are in need of help. It is so hard to deal with my boyfriend pushing me away and feeling guilty for hating her all these years for what she did. She was denied a liver transplant and is here in our town in the hospital and we are the only ones who care. He has been so mean and it is had an impact on our relationship of 4yrs. HELP!

Young_Cardinal · Dec 13, 2009, 01:28 PM

Its because its still his mom...
Right now that's probably all that's in his mind, doesn't mean that he doesn't care/love you... but death is like the worst thing to be surrounding a person

talaniman · Dec 13, 2009, 01:30 PM

Back off and let him deal with his issues. All you can do is support and observe.

It doesn't have to come between you unless you are aggravating the situation. Are you? Are you in the background or pushing for his time??

Anger, misdirected or not, often follows grief, guilt, and helplessness. Which is he, or is it all the above?

sabrewolfe · Dec 13, 2009, 01:31 PM

He needs to be there for his mother. Show your support and don't take too much personaly, he has a lot of issues to deal with right now. Be by his side, but give him space when he needs it.

amicon · Dec 13, 2009, 01:45 PM

He's about to lose the mother he already lost once,so for him this must be a very tough time. You can only give him your support and the space he needs to cope with this.

redhed35 · Dec 13, 2009, 01:49 PM

I would think,he can't be angry at her,she's dying, it does not change the past,but the feelings are all there.

All you can do as was said is give him the time he needs,he will need you after wards,and may even push you away.

If he can feel safe with you and know you're a constant in the background for now,it will help him.

Devorameira · Dec 13, 2009, 03:30 PM

If you love him, you need to be there to support him. It's probably emotionally draining for him and it's making him short-tempered. Try to be understanding.

He missed so much time with his mother that he needs to make peace with it. Don't pressure him - he'll only end up resenting you if he listens to you and doesn't do what he knows in his heart he needs to do. Let his mom have her son through her dying days. If you love him, just be there to pick up the pieces when she's gone.

itried · Dec 13, 2009, 03:42 PM

I think it's really the other way around: you're getting in the way of him and his DYING MOTHER!

The first thing you need to do is understand that there will be trials and tribulations during life that can have an effect on your relationships. If you're too selfish to understand this, and expect YOUR happiness to always be the top priority in your bf's life then you are in serious need of a reality check.

No offence, but your post comes across as selfish, immature and spiteful. I think it's time for you to have some empathy and put your needs on the back burner for the time being. If you're incapable of this, then leave your boyfriend because if you think that he's going to forget about his dying mother so he can make you sundaes, bring you flowers and ballons and blow smoke up your arse you're in for a rude awakening.

People go through their whole lives under the impression that they are good, kind, caring people but never really prove it. I think you've got a chance here. Make the most of it and show your boyfriend that he made the right choice by being with you. Trust me, if you turn into a b-i-t-c-h because of all this and leave him you'll be doing him a favour more than yourself.

Misshersomuch · Dec 13, 2009, 03:52 PM

Imagine if your own mother were dying.

I don't say this to upset you, or offend you in any way, I'm just saying try to place yourself in his situation. He must be in a very emotional state right now, no matter what sort of relationship he had to his mother she still is his mother.

Give him support, time, room, anything he should need right now. It's what he needs from you.

Gemini54 · Dec 13, 2009, 08:32 PM

Well, this poor woman is dying of cancer, and it seems that all you care about is you.

How about some compassion?

How do you think your BF might feel? She's dying and he's torn between love and hate - no wonder he's feeling confused, mean and acting badly.

Cut the poor guy some slack - this is what real relationships are about - pulling back and being compassionate when our partners are going through a hard time.

It's actually not about you - exercise some restraint and tolerance and give him the support and space to feel what he needs to. This is a difficult time for him and he needs your support, not your demands and criticism.