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aqua@home · Nov 12, 2006, 09:38 PM

Is once a cheater, always a cheater?

Skell · Nov 12, 2006, 09:43 PM

Some would say so, and it certainly does seem as though many who do cheat continue to do so. But I also don't go along with the suggestion that people can't change.

I know one friend of mine cheated in his wife (he was caught too) but they reconciled and sort counseling and I am happy to say to this day he hasn't cheated again. Now that isn't to say he won't but I don't think he will. I hope I am proved correct.

So in general a lot of cheaters are repeat offenders however I think it is possible for people to change their ways. But it certainly takes a lot of work as well!

valinors_sorrow · Nov 12, 2006, 09:52 PM

I don't believe it is that simple, Aqua. Although many people are unfaithful from some damaged place they live in, I stand as proof that even the worst damage is surmountable. Although I have never cheated while in a committed relationship, I did date a married man in my acting out days and have made the necessary amends. And I have done far worse than that too. But some might say that the wisest one is the reformed bad girl (or guy)...

People need help and they sometimes don't get it. People can also learn the lesson, with or without professional help, and be profoundly changed by it. I have seen countless cases of that and frankly over far more devastating things than infidelity. I married a one-time cheater (who did not cheat with me or for me) having seen his transformation with my own eyes.

I vote no on this one. That's the equivalency of suggesting that any bad thing anyone does is a locked down pattern.

talaniman · Nov 12, 2006, 10:17 PM

I have to believe that anyone can change, If they want to and are willing to work for it. Sadly though too many choose not to.

Krs · Nov 13, 2006, 02:18 AM

I somehow would say yes, thou some times maybe not BUT (theres always a BUT) I do believe any relationship where cheating happened and got forgiven the relationship is no longer the same.
Trust is out of the window...

rkim291968 · Nov 13, 2006, 02:39 AM

Originally Posted by aqua@home

Is once a cheater, always a cheater?

Nope but the odd is against the cheater.

5tumble_n_fall · Nov 13, 2006, 03:10 AM

Absolutley, my story - was with this guy for like a year, he seemed, at the time to be the best thing to ever happen to me, it wasn't until we broke up I realised what a minipulative cheating scum bag he was! It may seem as though you really love him, but think into the future, I now live with my new guy, a man who I trust 100% and I have never been happier, if you need to ask yourself that question, I think you already know the answer... you will never trust him again, believe me! BTW he had three kids to three women, and really I knew this was going on, you try to talk yourself out of it, but you know in your heart he is still doing it.

Geoffersonairplane · Nov 13, 2006, 06:39 AM

I think it depends on the circumstances of the cheating, the type of person who has done it and if that person is willing to be honest and face up to what he or she has done.

I don't think it is fair to brand all cheaters as repeat offenders because everyone falls short of perfection and deserves a chance to accept the errors of their ways and put things right.

Me personally, I would never, ever do something like that. If you feel the need to cheat then something is wrong in your relationship and you should not be in it.

Finish it first, then do what you need to.. Save yourself your dignity and avoid breaking a heart!!

Wildcat21 · Nov 13, 2006, 09:34 AM

I do not know anyone who has cheated - who has stopped - oh they mught stop for a while - but they always justify it again. It's some sort of flawed gene in their system. They'll wait until the coast is clear.

It's also usually people who are very selfish - non-givers. They usuaully think they are givers - but no.

Seon · Nov 13, 2006, 09:40 AM

Well I had a dream about my boyfriend cheating on me what does that really mean?

Wildcat21 · Nov 13, 2006, 11:17 AM

SOme unresolved issues of fears. Have you talked to him about it?

missdyesha · Nov 13, 2006, 11:54 AM

Originally Posted by aqua@home

Is once a cheater, always a cheater?

Yes

Wildcat21 · Nov 13, 2006, 12:11 PM

Yep - they don't stop - very selfish people - who feel wronged - genrally because of lack of attention from one or both parents.

THAT's why you take it SLOW!! Find this stuff out ask questions. They will tell you in their own way if they cheat - if they do - RUN!!

5tumble_n_fall · Nov 13, 2006, 12:25 PM

Originally Posted by Seon

well i had a dream about my boyfriend cheating on me what does that really mean?

It may mean that you are worried about your boyfriend straying, has he given you reason not to trust him lately?

aqua@home · Nov 13, 2006, 04:25 PM

I think I have come to the conclusion that people can change. I know I have. Someone who may have cheated, once many years ago, before the relationship was too old, may be able to change. I think as stated previously, it is a mistake. We all make them.

I used to think that once a cheater always a cheater. I guess maybe it is a very personal thing. Maybe it's like any behaviour, some people can be reformed or change. I know there are people who go to prison and come out changed. I think it is rare, but not impossible. Is this not the same thing?

Wildcat21 · Nov 13, 2006, 04:34 PM

Nope.

Geoffersonairplane · Nov 13, 2006, 04:37 PM

I just can't entirely agree with this concept that once a cheater, always a cheater!

It is entirely dependent on the person and the situation in which it occurred..

You cannot tarnish everyone with the same brush!

I believe everyone deserves a second chance, most of the time (maybe not always) but most of the time!

3rd chance, forget it! NO WAY!

s_cianci · Nov 13, 2006, 05:11 PM

Generally, yes. A leopard doesn't change its spots.

aqua@home · Nov 13, 2006, 05:19 PM

Originally Posted by Wildcat21

Nope.

Why not? Are you the same person you were 10 years ago, 5 years ago, last year?

Maybe it depends on each individual situation. If there is an attatchment to the person they are cheating with, that may be something different than if it was just a one-night-stand. Maybe there was a problem and that problem has been solved? Maybe nothing is different. I don't know.

valinors_sorrow · Nov 13, 2006, 06:49 PM

Originally Posted by Wildcat

I do not know anyone who has cheated - who has stopped - oh they mught stop for a while - but they always justify it again. It's some sort of flawed gene in their system. They'll wait til the coast is clear.

I have and more than one too. I have nursed a friend back from a terrible abyss after cheating for like an hour one night and then called it off heartsickened and ran over here in a total panic. It took all night to put it back together enough for that marriage to learn the truth about what shakey ground it was on and do something tangible about it. They are happily married today having celebrated 20 years recently. Although I know you have really accurate, based in reality advice a lot of the time WC, I have to say I don't think your science on this one is sound.

Originally Posted by s_cianci

Generally, yes. A leopard doesn't change its spots.

Generally, that may be true from how lazy, unconcerned and self centered people are these days.

However, I have seen the leopard spots change way too many times to not be defending people's ability to stop ANY destructive behavior on the planet. But that doesn't mean I trust anyone to have made any changes until I see what I know to be tangible evidence that they did. It helps to have developed deep intuitive skills that I have learned are pretty accurate too. And if my trust has been affected by the destructive behavior, it can rebuild if I see the tangible evidence over time be consistent and congruent. Hope is always grounded in practical reality for me.