[starwarsgirl05]

I have been with my fiancé for 15 months. During our time together he has never worked. His lives in a house but had to sell his car a 2 months ago because of 3 years of back taxes (which I was unaware of). His mom pays for his groceries, cigerettes, and bills. If she's not doing it, I am. In the beginning I was all caught up in him and it didn't bother me. He had a website and sold guitar pedals on it, so it seemed like he was doing something. However he has sold one pedal and makes none now. The website is no longer up. But the kicker is he keeps working on his "electronics". He borrows money from his mom and orders things he needs. He keeps telling me how it will make a lot of money for us when he gets his proto-type done. He went on about it last night and said he'll have it up on a website in a month. But I've heard this before, he said that in July and last December. I'm tired of paying for everything and I'm tired of his mom helping encourage this.

If that weren't bad enough, my family hates him including my 13 & 16 year olds. He gets mad easily and he can vent but no one else is able to. We walk around on egg shells in his house. He smokes and I don't. He swears all the time and I don't. The living room has guitars everywhere and speakers, and he won't move it if I move in (he's asked me to).

I am going to full-time and I have no extra money or time. He is draining me of both. When I am trying to do my homework, he distracts me constantly and doesn't understand why I am bothering with it since his pedal is going to make us a lot of money.

I live 30 minutes away and I have put on 27,000 miles on my car (no lie). He has been to my house 10 times and has never helped pay for gas.

I met him after a 16 year marriage (I left) which was devoid of intimacy and affection. And I latched on to this guy because he is affectionate. But before he met me, he was a serial dater. I've come across past emails (before he met me) and he had several relationships going on with women at the same time without their knowledge. He says I'm the "one" and he would never do this to me because he doesn't want to see me hurt. That doesn't make me feel better. It makes me think he's a good liar and good at covering his tracks.

I haven't told him how I feel because he gets angry and turns it all on me. Every fight we've had has been my fault (he said so). And he will make fun of me when I cry so I avoid confrontation with him.

I'm an idiot for staying aren't I? I love him and I know its stupid and dumb. I am unhappy but I can't force myself to cut the ties. We broke up for a few days in July and I missed him so much, even though he texted me some awful things.

Can someone help explain why I'm still in this? Why am I so scared that I won't be able to get over him and find someone else?

[redhed35]

It would seem you would be better on your own, for lots of reasons,financilly,emotionally,your home life would improve,your health would improve and your mental state and probably your blood pressure!

So what do you have with him... what does he bring to the table?

Get rich quick schemes.

Black lungs.

Apathy.

He's a drain on you..

So what are you going to do>
Continue supporting a leech.

You will survive with out him.. hes abad habit you picked up that you just have to break.
Going no contact will help,and you will be surprised how many guys would love a good educated hard working women in their lives..

Don't waste your life or time on this guy any more...

Being on your own has a lot of benefits.

You just have to take the first step.

[amicon]

You're not an idiot but you need to put your own needs and those of your children first. This man is not a partner he's a leech and I advice you to find the strength to leave him and reclaim your own life. Be single and regain your selfconfidence.
Good luck.

[talaniman]

You need to leave him alone if he is that bad. Give it a try, or you will never have better until you do.

[JBeaucaire]

Read back your first post as if you hadn't written it.

Read it again.

Now tell me in three SHORT sentences why this boy is your "boyfriend". See if you can sell it in less than 30 words.

Can you? If not... well, it doesn't matter what your family thinks, you know what to do.

[J_9]

This is a toxic relationship! By giving him money you are enabling this behavior.

You have teen children. They need you more than he does. Tell him to either get a job or take a hike.

[Fr_Chuck]

Well of course I guess we may have considered Bill Gates a bad choice when he was doing computers in his garage.

In the end of course he needs to get a job and work on his great rich during his time not working.

So just don't pay him a dime, period, nothing and see how long he is your boyfriend.

But you can do better with a homeless man, he at least begs for money on the street

[Devorameira]

Some may say he's a user (which he is), but I don't think it's important that he is or isn't using you. What is important is that you appear to be a kind and loving person and he does not.

In reality, your happiness is the only real important measure to be concerned about. Appears that your've busted your backside to make this guy happy, but he has done very little to make you happy. It is obvious that it's hurting your heart. I think you've tried to be patient and support him, but he's done nothing but live in a dream world.

One of the cardinal rules of all love relationships is that we can't change how other people think and behave, we can only change how we think and behave. In my opinion, it is a far better idea to cut your losses by ending this "going no-where" relationship, no matter how emotionally attached you may have become. He is definitely a loser!!

[starwarsgirl05]

Thanks for the replies from everyone! I moved out of his house this morning and I'm not sure how I feel right now. I feel grief, shock, and more grief. I know it's the right thing to do in the long run... too bad I can't just ff my life by 30 days lol. I put this off because I didn't want to experience the pain. He was my best friend for over a year and we talked for hours everyday... that's going to be so hard to get over.

[Devorameira]

Starwarsgirlo5 you have made a wise decision. I know it's painful right now, but everyday it'll get better. There's another fella out there who will love you, respect you, and be an equal partner. Just give yourself time to heal before you go out looking for the new relationship. :)

[redhed35]

In the long run you will be happier,and so will your kids..

You did the right thing..

You did the mature and adult thing,but most of all you have taught your children a very valuable lesson..

That no one is allowed use you or suck the life out of you..

What you did was brave... I know you said you loved him,but it was not going to be enough,this was not an equal partnership,by any means.

Please keep an eye on your thread,there are many people here who have loads of really helpful advice and give great guidance.

[sully123]

You did the right thing by moving out. He is nothing but heartaches for you. Your one strong woman, and I give you a lot of credit. He is taking advantage of you. You were smart enough now not to let him anymore. Sounds like a low life to me, depends on everyon else, and needs a real job. That isn't love, he is using you. You deserve better than that. There is someone else out there that will treat you like you deserve to be treated.. good luck.

[talaniman]

I understand your pain, as making a long term transition for the good, can be very painful.

You have made a good decision, for yourself, that will be beneficial to you in the future, in every area of your life, but that doesn't help you feel better now, as you DO make the adjustments that goes with your change.

It will get better though, just leave loser boy alone, and keep moving forward.

Celebrate your freedom to pursue your own happiness, without his anchor around your neck. If he was really such a good friend, he would help, and support you, not use you. And you would have been happy with him.

Looking at the overall picture, he wasn't that good for you at all.

[starwarsgirl05]

Your right. We broke up for about 5 days in July and I tried to go out on 2 dates and all I did was cry when my date wasn't looking. I wasn't ready to move on and I'm not ready now either. It's not fair to the new guy who ever he may be... I wish I could turn off my missing him emotions and thoughts of the girls he'll now be talking to and be with. That part really hurts.

[amicon]

You've made the right decision,well done. I suggest you go no contact to help you heal from the breakup.
Take good care of yourself.

[redhed35]

Your right. We broke up for about 5 days in July and I tried to go out on 2 dates and all I did was cry when my date wasn't looking. I wasn't ready to move on and I'm not ready now either. It's not fair to the new guy who ever he may be...I wish I could turn off my missing him emotions and thoughts of the girls he'll now be talking to and be with. That part really hurts.

There also going to get all the crap too! Don't forget that part.

Some poor women is going to be funding his next project and wiping his nose when it falls apart again,and the next one and the next one.

And you will be long gone.

[talaniman]

Had to spread the rep Red, but that's exactly what any female will get if they are unfortunate enough to hook up with him.

You should be praying for their salvation from this lazy predator.

[jmjoseph]

Your right. We broke up for about 5 days in July and I tried to go out on 2 dates and all I did was cry when my date wasn't looking. I wasn't ready to move on and I'm not ready now either. It's not fair to the new guy who ever he may be...I wish I could turn off my missing him emotions and thoughts of the girls he'll now be talking to and be with. That part really hurts.

What you do is make a list of his negative attributes, behaviors, habits, initiative(lack of), basically the reasons that you were brave enough to leave him for, and post that list up in places around the house. Whenever you are missing him, look at the list.

It was a hard thing to do, leaving your home, but you know that it was not the best environment for your children, and he was killing you with his smoking and emotional, AND financial draining.

He was a parasite.

Good for you. I see you don't have a hard time making new friends, as you had two dates in the first five days of the break up in July. But take some time to get your life on an even keel.

You should be very proud of yourself.

There is a good life out there for you. Go find it.

Good luck to you.