[doubtful_cat]

Here is everything in the world’s biggest nutshell.

I feel no compassion. I hardly feel anything for anyone. I barely feel for myself. I can play it off as feeling whatever I think people will believe. I'm not afraid to put myself out there because I cannot feel shame or remorse. I'm not cruel, but I show such unjust compassion for the people that I should care for that I feel guilty. Not remorseful. Remorse is a feeling you should have after doing something wrong. I do not do anything wrong I just can no longer relate to the people I care about.

I am distant from the world in every sense. I thought I could escape my problems so I left my home country. I now find myself in a foreign world, worse off then I was before. I have no one to talk to, not that I did before, but now no one here even speaks the same language. I'm not being metaphoric, I seriously live in a new country and don't speak the language.

I don't have thoughts of suicide because I am optimistic that I will eventually feel better. I am utterly hopeless after that. That one thought has sustained me for as long as I can remember. Eventually things will get better. But I am so tired of not feeling...

I do not have a relationship with my mother, father, brother, sister... they are people that I was told to love, so I do.

I cannot hold a grudge, so people feel the need to walk over me. I get taken advantage of by everyone. And I don't care. But I think I should.

I have always been obsessed with the thought of being normal. Normalcy I call it. I don't want to be a normal person because I don't like settling for average. But everything I do I compare myself to some one else, some fictional person, and I tell myself that what I do or say isn't normal. It rules my life.

I have conflicting and contradicting emotions to the point where I can not concentrate on anything. I have to exert such emotional energy that I cannot manage to save anything in reserve for myself. I walk around as if I am a zombie that has no thirst for brains. A pointless being.

I have never been a selfish person. I don't know how. But now that all this is becoming more visual to me, I have decided to take selfish actions. I broke up with my boyfriend of four years so I can do some soul searching and have encouraged him to find a new relationship. He doesn't want to, but I refuse to get back with him. I'm being selfish and I hate it. It’s not me, but I’m so desperate for change that I refuse to consider anything else. And the fact that I want him to be with some one else, a week after we've been separated, makes me feel like the feelings I had for him were petty. I don't know if I can ever love anyone. I cannot even love myself.

I am lost.
I have no purpose.
I have no meaning.
I am too smart to turn to god; I put that behind me long ago.
I am desperate but at the same time I don't care.
I am a walking implosion.

But eventually things will be better... right?

[Fr_Chuck]

Yep, the roses are right down the road,

[doubtful_cat]

I guess that was the wrong question to ask.

What I need is some guidance. I cannot seek professional help, as I have no one to turn to here, I don't speak Thai. Are there any inspirational books that you could recommend? Maybe some exercises, hobbies that people suffering from depression tend to react positively to, or even a website with helpful or inspiring phrases on it. I am desperate to feel anything.

What is the point of being, if you don't feel?

[doubtful_cat]

Or maybe another good question is, am I depressed? Do prescription drugs sound like an alternative?

[ordinaryguy]

Or maybe another good question is, am I depressed? Do prescription drugs sound like an alternative?

I'm not medically qualified, but you certainly sound depressed to me. Prescription drugs definitely are an alternative, but to get them (legally, at least) you do have to see a doctor, which I would strongly recommend. There are bound to be English speaking doctors somewhere in Thailand. Or go back home if you have to. Is there any reason for you to be where you are except to get away from where you were?

No one treatment, therapy, or drug works for everybody, so start with anything at all, and keep trying until you find something that works for you. The fact that you care enough to write out your despair means that you have already started, so just don't quit. Search the web for information on depression and various treatment alternatives. Talk to somebody about this, or about something else. Continue to post here as long as it helps. Whether it gets better in the future depends partly on what you do or don't. Choice is your only power. Work your will.

[Nomad85]

When I'm with family and friends I laugh , I joke , I smile . Now even though I feel completely different on the inside , doesn't mean I wasn't happy being with them in that particular moment. There are moments in my life where I feel like I've lost my drive and my focus and I fall into a state of depression gaze and search for purpose , go through the "what if's" and such. You won't find answers in a book , instructional video or leaflet , I snapped out of the whole soul searching thing and decided to take life exactly as it comes , ride it out and see what happens . Set goals for myself with a flexible plan and in between I take the things I'm good at and use them to help me vent. Right now I'm not extatic but I am satisfied. Ordinaryguy is right about expressing yourself though. It does help. Also regular exercise helps make you feel good in general. Just my two cents but I hope it helps.

[ordinaryguy]

"Nomad85 disagrees: no offense, but if you need drugs to make you happy you aren't really happy"

It's more about being healthy than being happy. Depression is not just unhappiness, it's a disease that manifests as an imbalance of certain neurotransmitter chemicals in the brain, and there are drugs can help to restore this balance in some people. Although being healthy doesn't guarantee happiness, being severely depressed does pretty much guarantee unhappiness. Drugs are not the solution for everybody who suffers from depression, but it would be foolish to refuse to consider them under any circumstances.

[phillysteakandcheese]

It sounds like you definitely need counseling. Whether you are depressed or not, you certainly do need help to sort out your thoughts and emotions.

I will say that your post gives me the impression that you are out of control of yourself and simply waiting for "all the good stuff" to "just come" to you.

You need to take a look at all the things you hae control over in your life, and then you're going to have to work hard: Work hard on understanding and developing yourself. Work hard recognizing negative thought processes and stopping them from convincing you of all the "bad" around you. Work hard at making your future happen for you.

If you're just sitting there, wishing and hoping that "things will get better" - they probably won't.
You have to be the one to make things better for yourself.

[valinors_sorrow]

This may sound strange but sometimes I think it is necessary to have what may look like a "nervous breakdown" to get where you need to go. You speak of imploding-- to renew oneself can be kind of like the "phoenix from the ashes" deal. The trick is to not take it too seriously or if it really starts to spin out of control, know where and how to ask for help in order to stay safe.

I am presently having my third meltdown and I have to say it's a doosie. The first time was long ago, before I read the book Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance so I didn't understand what was happening to me. What one person calls crazy, another may call enlightenment so I am careful not to judge too sharply on matters such as these for myself.

What I hear you saying is you feel disconnected from everything if you feel anything at all. If this persists after you've made some great changes (like the boyfriend breakup or a change in geography) or if it starts to come off as life endangering, you may want to see someone who can function as a guide as well as a healer. Ruling out depression or other mental illness would be a likely first step.

[J_9]

Doubtful Cat,

I wonder how long you have been in Thailand. Are you acutally near family and friends. I am wondering if you are experiencing situational depression.

Medication may benefit you in the short term. But it is important that you seek therapy. I am sure there is someone who speaks your language, might talk a little digging, but I am sure you can find one.

Some meds work well for situational depression and may only be needed until you get your life balanced out.

[ordinaryguy]

I am presently having my third meltdown and I have to say its a doosie. The first time was long ago, before I read the book Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance so I didn't understand what was happening to me. What one person calls crazy, another may call enlightenment so I am careful not to judge too sharply on matters such as these for myself.

What I hear you saying is you feel disconnected from everything if you feel anything at all. If this persists after you've made some great changes (like the boyfriend breakup or a change in geography) or if it starts to come off as life endangering, you may want to see someone who can function as a guide as well as a healer. Ruling out depression or other mental illness would be a likely first step.

For somebody in the midst of a major meltdown, you sure do make a lot of sense and give good advice! Melt away, and when you re-solidify and come out of the new mold, I trust you will be both happier and wiser.

[doubtful_cat]

Thanks for all the helpful advice. Valinor you have been a big help. I have always thought that through great trial there is great triumph. I'm going to keep trucking, I did mention that I enjoy living, just not living the way I am.

I am near friends that have been my family for the last 4 years. My Ex-boyfriend is really supportive and is eager to have me get my life on track.

I will have to do a bit more reading to figure things out more intensely. I appreciate everyone's advice and words of wisdom. I'll see what I can put to use and then maybe post back again soon.

Thanks again.