[humbleheart72]

My 16 year old and her 7 month old daughter is living with me and my fiancé. She is going to evening school. The father of her baby died in a car accident while she was pregnant. That was last October 2005. She attends counseling once a week through the Counseling Institute of Texas. I know my heart and mind are in the right place for the most part on how I am dealing with her. I want to make sure she bonds with her baby. In the beginning I was doing everything for her but slowly I have been backing off so not to throw too much on her at once. However, the counselor has told me to back off even more to the point of letting my daughter make and experience her own mistakes even if it means that the baby won't get the care she needs or worse, even if the baby ends up getting hurt by her mom not taking the necessary measures to make sure that she is properly supervised (e.g. - not checking on the baby when she is in the room with her mom at night to make sure she will not fall off the bed or not telling my daughter how to do things to care for her baby and not reminding her of the feeding times and when the baby needs to be changed)
I do not completely agree with the counselor on the advice she has given. However, I am finding myself being somewhat harsh with my daughter when I notice that she is not taking her parental responsibility seriously. I have taken into consideration all the factors. One being that I did not set a very good example for her as a mother(After all, I am an 8 month clean recovering drug addict.), her age, the death of her fiancé (they were waiting on me to sign my part of the papers giving her permission to marry this boy). I know I am on the right path but sometimes I do not know how to verbally hold my daughter accountable to her responsibilities. I am torn because I know that it's not her fault things happened the way they did with the father of the baby not being here anymore and she hurts tremendously STILL over that. Then again, she DID make the decision to be irresponsible in her choice to let herself get pregnant in the first place. She even admitted to getting pregnant on purpose. Her and the boy planned it. Then again, I did the very same thing when I was her age. She just did it a little earlier than I did. But I did not plan her. She was a surprise. I was 17 when I had her. I guess what I really need is encouragement and some kind advice on how to talk to her about what she should be doing to care for her baby without being harsh and bossy. I love her and that baby of hers so much. I want her to have a healthy relationship with her daughter through all the years. But I don't know how to get her to see the importance of that. She makes careless comments about how she IS who she is and no one can change her and how she just don't care about what people think. I tell her often that when she is older, she will look back on her life and realize that she was wrong about many things and that she will change either for better or for worse. It is up to her. But I am trying so hard to get her to think about her future and the future of her baby, giving her the statistics and telling her that she does not have to be a statistic. She is so emotionally immature. She threw a long drawn out crying fit just here recently because I told her she had to return a shirt to "Hot Topic" because it was very inappropriate (for anyone to where in my opinion-it read: "My bad attitude is my f**king business!") She ended up getting her way about keeping the shirt but not without a warning that I never see it or it would be ripped right off her body no matter where we were or who was watching. I did not feel that I was being harsh about that but I may have made the wrong decision about letting her keep the shirt. Because my aunt told me that I was basically teaching her that it would be OK to wear it as long as I did not see it and THAT was just teaching her to be sneaky and deceitful. Well, I don't know. She knows I disapprove and by what I told her I would do I can imagine that she is very afraid to wear it. I think more than anything the burden will be on her and not me. But getting back to how to get her to parent this baby from her heart I guess the big question here is what would you do?

Please prayerfully consider how you reply because I really want to hear from God on this through another believer.

Thank you in advance for your help.

Sincerely,

Lisa

[xHypoCondriacx]

Hello Lisa,

I won't tell you how to treat your daughter. I won't tell you how to parent your daughter.

The fact that you are a recovering drug addict shows to me that you are a very strong person.
An that you must have made a lot of mistakes in your life. But as a majority of us.
You learned from that.

Which sets a good example to everybody around you. Regardless of a persons stubbornness.

Your daughter is very young. You have to understand.
Her and her boyfriend must have had a lot of plans about there life and taking care of there child.
An your daughter created a whole oppisite life all in her head. Which then became her reality.

Without thinking about if the boyfriend wasn't around most likely didn't run threw her had at the time before his death.

What I'm saying is.
Once he passed away. It changed her whole perspective towards life.
And its only natural for her to act the way she is.

I'm not saying it should be approved. But it should to a certain extent be tolerated.
As for the Therapy And her Advice.

I say don't follow it. Because that's a stubborn way of saying. Let her be... and let her make her own decisions.

What if she isn't ready to make these decisions.
And you probably think she isn't ready to be a mother and a non-stubborn person
But I believe deep inside she really wants to do good.. and move on in her life.

But she is at a point of.. losing someone she must have loved.
Which can break somebody down very emotionally harsh.

Which then tends to take over the mind and create a whole different personality.
A split personality. And all self control is then lost.
Because the mind is so stressed it becomes weak and thinks the only common option is to say "F*** Everybody and Everything" I'm tired of trying.

What she needs is a helping hand. Threw her stubbornness and bad attitudes and disrespect.
Show her the love and teach her the manners you always tried teaching her and showing her.
Because you may think she isn't listening or isn't paying attention.

But when she sleeps at night. It's a constant video tape in the back of her head.
She is replaying each day over and over.
And contiplating the words that you tell her.

And she will change for the better. A person becomes fed up with being stubborn and not listening.

As the daughter grows.. She will Learn to love her more and more everyday.
And eventually a change will occur.
U cannot force this change.. u should know because. You were a recovering drug addict.
You know it took time for you to realize.. and you realized the hard way.
Better late then never right?

And if it takes 5 years for her to realize and finally do what you always told her.. And held herself responsible for her child
Then let it be 5 years.

U cannot force anybody to do anything.

I lost two brothers myself.. My mother went threw different stages in life during these harsh times. And till this day I know deep inside she thinks and mournes about them all the time.

Ur daughter needs someone to talk to.

And I personally don't believe all that therapy crap I never much saw them changing anybody.
U got to learn from experience the only experience they have is the media and mainstream view towards people with problems.

I wish you and your family the best in life. And I know It will be okay.
Just tell your daughter everyday you love her.
And when you two get an inimate momment alone.
Talk to each other and open up..

She may have other issues she most likely regrets about her past. Talk about that.
Try healing one problem at a time.

Im 19 years old. I used to do meth. I actually did meth on Friday night. And I regret it.
But point being I been threw too much in my life I feel so old. Emotionally..

Friends my age and girls my age don't understand me. And that's fine.

Just be a good mother and don't blame yourself about your parenting in the past.
Ur here now and that's what counts.

Im confident your daughter will make the right choices. She just needs help
And she's all alone. And she can't make it alone.
Nobody can.
Not anybody.

So think about that.

p.s

My information is neither good or bad.
Nor do I expect you to listen to me.
This is just my view
And my way of my experience.

Nobody can trully know the situation but you.

<3 god bless you lisa.. and your family.

Im not religious. But what the heck <3

[JoeCanada76]

Hello Lisa,

I understand that you are hurting and your daughter is hurting. She lost her boyfriend. In reality just from what you have said she has not really had good parenting herself. You putting so much pressure on her about feeding times and diaper changes and sounding very bossy is just going to push her further and further away. It is going to hurt both of you if these reactions from you and her continue. As far as feeding times. Feeding times some people like to follow to the letter, but as I have been experiancing with my little new one. Feeding times are a load of bolony. It is feed on demand. The demand is sometimes more often, and other times not as much. Sometimes the baby could go on 4 or 5 hours without being fed and there are other times my baby feeds every hour. I do agree with the counselor, that in my own opinion as well. Your approach is not working and you do need to back off. You need to show more patience and try showing your daughter that you have faith in her that she will care for the baby properly. Each parent has his or her own way of parenting and she needs to find her own way, but with you there constantly barking orders at her is going to make her more frustrated and more upset and will actually contribute to bad care to the child. When mothers get frustrated from other people pushing them and pressuring them and always telling them what to do, that frustration could possibly be taken out on the baby and you would be partially responsible for that. So what you need to do is let her get to know her baby on her own. Feeding times can be thrown out the window as long as she is not letting the baby cry like bloody murder all the time because the baby is hungry. My baby does not even let us know when he is dirty, but boy he lets us know when he is hungry. They do say though that every baby is a little different and that the mother and possibly the father gets to know the different crys and what they mean. I think you need to encourage your daughter. There are different programs out there for new mothers that she should get involved in. That will even come out and help her with the baby and check on the baby to see how he or she is developing. As long as the baby is at a good weight and developing well that is all that matters. If you do not back away. Then she will not learn how to take care of the baby on her own and that is exactly what she needs even at her age. You need to approach her in a way that is loving. Let her take care of the baby in her own way. At the same time you can always give her advice but it is all in the approach. For example: Baby sleeping on a regular bed. It is not good for baby's to sleep on a regular bed. If this does happen the baby can suffocate. Roll and could get hurt. Let her know this. Let her know that you want to help her with the baby, but to let you know when she needs help. That you will always be there for her, but do let her know that if you think there is something that might harm the baby. You will let her know. If you are not sure about something or you think something is not right you ask a nurse for advice or even look up things on the internet. Lots of things have changed and lots of different care methods and recommendations have changed since years ago. Even my wife's mom was giving her a hard time about feedings and other things and she needed to tell her mother kind of where to go because she felt like she was getting pressure and all she wanted was support. Told her that I want your help not telling me what to do and if you continue you can leave. It turns out that lots of things her mother did, uhm guess what we or my wife is doing it differently. Does not mean it is the wrong way. My mom was up helping us at first too. She said she is going to let my wife do things and let her experience it and let her figure out things on her own. The only time she would step in is if she thinks something would harm the baby. There are times where I may say something. One person thinks something is fine while the other worries that it is not. Which I guess is normal.

On the other topic of the shirt. Threatening to rip it off her, does not matter where she is. Uhm to be honest with me that threat, whether true or not sounds on the abusive side. Maybe not physical because you have not done that but defiantly emotional.

So like I said to let her parent by the heart you need to let her be. You need to show her support. Honestly you have not done that yet. All you have done is made her more mad and frustrated which does not help anybody. So please do back away. Let her know that if she needs any help that you will be there for her and leave it at that. Give her advice if she asks for it. It is her baby not yours.

I hope this helps somewhat. I know this is long but I had to say these things to you and hopefully it will help with the relationship with your daughter and her child. Good luck with everything and may you be at peace.

Joe

[talaniman]

I agree with Jesushelper, and your therapist, in that you must back off and change your tone. Support comes with a soothing voice an a understanding heart. She needs time to deal with all the emotions she feels and the things she has been through. Demands and threats are out of place, as she will make mistakes. You have to let her make them and give her space to correct them. You have experience on your side, but you can't force feed them to a child. Imagine her frustration at always being pressured to do the right thing by you. That's why you have rebellion, so back off be patient, and give praise when she is trying and leave the harshness out of the equation. She will grow, but not at your pace, so recognise she needs your quiet loving support, to feel like she is at least on the right path. Seems you should be full of compassion as you already know where she is coming from, so you of all people should understand her frustration and confusion. Time, patients, and support, not scolding, and molding, will help her grow. Show unconditional love. You must give her what you didn't get so I guess you both are learning. Good Luck!

[Fr_Chuck]

First I am glad you are there for her with support, now of course the BUT,

If you talk to any parent with a child, and then talk to the child's grandparent, no parent watches or cares for the child properly. They don't pick the child up every time it crys, they don't change the diapers fast enough, they don't call the doctor at a sniffle.

My mom told my first wife and I when we visited her for the first time with our child ( " I am sorry lilttle baby, but you will most likely be dead before I see you again they way they are raising you") Of course we had the option not to see her again for 10 years and I didn't hardly ever see her for years over that. We did not wash the babies clothes right and so on. The hurt and pain she caused by telling us we were not taking care of our baby is still in my heart today and I can never be close to her for that even now, since I hold hard feelings after these 30 years now.

So you have to back off or you can place a divide between you and her that even time may not heal.

[humbleheart72]

Dear xHypoCondriacx,

Thank you so much for your input. I thought that it was very helpful in helping me to settle down in my mind about how things are "supposed to be" according to everyone else. You confirmed in my mind that my situation is unique and that I am really the best at judging how things should really be handled because I am my daughters biggest influence weither she realizes that or anybody else realizes that or not. After reading another persons story last night I did go in her room this morning with a different tone in my voice and apologized to her for being so hard on her and that I was really going to do my best to change that about me. Of course, knowing that I am not perfect either allows me to have that room for growth and I know it is happening right before my very eyes. Things are getting better and in the back of my mind and deep in my heart I know that she will grow to love her child just as I love her. I know that she will mature over the years and there will be a day when she looks back and realizes how very much I love her and how I had her very best interest at heart. Can't say that I always have but I had to do some growing up too, even now. I am still learning and growing up at 34 years old.

One more thing... meth was my drug of choice too... I can only give God credit for keeping me clean... because I told Him one day that I wanted the drugs so bad and that the only way I was going to be able to quit is if He went inside of me and took the desire for the drugs completely out of me... that He Himself would have to quit through me... the desire didn't leave right then and there but I haven't messed up now in over 8 months and I've had plenty of opportunity (that stuff is so easy to find and basically get for free) and I believe in my heart that I will never turn back again. I know they say to never say never... but the knowing is so strong inside of me that I just know that I never will again... I have too much to live for to die... and so do you... I know you say you are not religious... but you should know that there is true religion and there is false religion... and the majority of what the world is shown is false religion... that is why so many people don't believe in the Truth... because the Truth is never really presented to them accurately... you will know a true believer by the love they have for one another... but I don't want to come across as preaching to you or anyone... but I only speak from my own experience... once I was very lost... then I found religion... I was still very lost... then I found JESUS... now I am found and I am finding out the deeper I go with God the more He restores my life. You don't know me and I don't know you, but I know that God loves me and I know that He will do the same for you as He has done for me.

Thank you again... thank you for giving... for giving me your time... it made a difference!!

May you be blessed with God's Truth, Peace, Love, and Grace!!

Lisa

[humbleheart72]

Dear Jesushelper76,

Thank you for your reply. You seemed to assume more negative is going on than what really is though. The problem is she does not want to take care of the baby. She likes taking pictures and bragging to all her friends on myspace about her and claiming her out in public but when it comes to feeding her, changing her, getting her to sleep, washing her clothes, washing her bottles-basically everything that has to do with actually taking care of the baby's needs-she does not show an interest in doing and with her body language and the way she talks to the baby tells me that she would rather be in her room on myspace. She does not even do anything to help around the house and I say nothing to her about it. I have been very patient with her. I am my own worst critic. You took my opinion of myself without knowing all the facts and elaborated on them with your own opinion. Which really threw things way out of perspective. Most people including my wonderful fiancé tell me that I am doing a great job and to stop being so hard on myself. Back to my daughter though... she spends all of her time in her room on her laptop and barely spends any time with the baby and yes, she does let her cry and does not change her and feed her when the baby needs those things. This baby HAS made her own feeding schedule and she gets hungry every four hours. Either I or my fiancé are doing most of the taking care of the baby. I don't mind taking care of the baby. She is a joy to me:) But knowing that babies need their mothers, seeing my daughter not giving her baby the love and attention she so needs breaks my heart.

and one more thing... I did not tell my daughter to her face that I would rip that shirt off her... I told my fiancé to tell her that and I am sure that he softened the warning when he relayed it to her... because I know him... and if I wanted it to be said to her exactly the way I said it to him then I would have been the one telling her. I do not go around making mindless threats off the top of my head to my children and I certainly do not bark out commands to them. I am very mindful of how I word things and what tone I use when I am angry. The bible says to be angry and sin not. I am angry at the sin, not at my daughter. You need to be less judgmental and ask God for insight and wisdom before you decide to put your two cents in.

By the grace of God, I've come a very long way!!

Lisa

Hello Lisa,

I understand that you are hurting and your daughter is hurting. She lost her boyfriend. In reality just from what you have said she has not really had good parenting herself. You putting so much pressure on her about feeding times and diaper changes and sounding very bossy is just going to push her further and further away. It is going to hurt both of you if these reactions from you and her continue. As far as feeding times. Feeding times some people like to follow to the letter, but as I have been experiancing with my little new one. Feeding times are a load of bolony. It is feed on demand. The demand is sometimes more often, and other times not as much. Sometimes the baby could go on 4 or 5 hours without being fed and there are other times my baby feeds every hour. I do agree with the councellor, that in my own opinion as well. Your approach is not working and you do need to back off. You need to show more patience and try showing your daughter that you have faith in her that she will care for the baby properly. Each parent has his or her own way of parenting and she needs to find her own way, but with you there constantly barking orders at her is going to make her more frustrated and more upset and will actually contribute to bad care to the child. When mothers get frustrated from other people pushing them and pressuring them and always telling them what to do, that frustration could possibly be taken out on the baby and you would be partially responsible for that. So what you need to do is let her get to know her baby on her own. Feeding times can be thrown out the window as long as she is not letting the baby cry like bloody murder all the time because the baby is hungry. My baby does not even let us know when he is dirty, but boy he lets us know when he is hungry. They do say though that every baby is a little different and that the mother and possibly the father gets to know the different crys and what they mean. I think you need to encourage your daughter. There are different programs out there for new mothers that she should get involved in. That will even come out and help her with the baby and check on the baby to see how he or she is developing. As long as the baby is at a good weight and developing well that is all that matters. If you do not back away. Then she will not learn how to take care of the baby on her own and that is exactly what she needs even at her age. You need to approach her in a way that is loving. Let her take care of the baby in her own way. At the same time you can always give her advice but it is all in the approach. For example: Baby sleeping on a regular bed. It is not good for babys to sleep on a regular bed. If this does happen the baby can suffocate. Roll and could get hurt. Let her know this. Let her know that you want to help her with the baby, but to let you know when she needs help. That you will always be there for her, but do let her know that if you think there is something that might harm the baby. You will let her know. If you are not sure about something or you think something is not right you ask a nurse for advice or even look up things on the internet. Lots of things have changed and lots of different care methods and recommendations have changed since years ago. Even my wifes mom was giving her a hard time about feedings and other things and she needed to tell her mother kind of where to go because she felt like she was getting pressure and all she wanted was support. Told her that I want your help not telling me what to do and if you continue you can leave. It turns out that lots of things her mother did, uhm guess what we or my wife is doing it differently. Does not mean it is the wrong way. My mom was up helping us at first too. She said she is going to let my wife do things and let her experiance it and let her figure out things on her own. The only time she would step in is if she thinks something would harm the baby. There are times where I may say something. One person thinks something is fine while the other worries that it is not. Which I guess is normal.

On the other topic of the shirt. Threatning to rip it off of her, does not matter where she is. Uhm to be honest with me that threat, whether true or not sounds on the abusive side. Maybe not physical because you have not done that but defiantly emotional.

So like I said to let her parent by the heart you need to let her be. You need to show her support. Honestly you have not done that yet. All you have done is made her more mad and frustrated which does not help anybody. So please do back away. Let her know that if she needs any help that you will be there for her and leave it at that. Give her advice if she asks for it. It is her baby not yours.

I hope this helps somewhat. I know this is long but I had to say these things to you and hopefully it will help with the relationship with your daughter and her child. Good luck with everything and may you be at peace.

Joe

[JoeCanada76]

Maybe the laptop should go. Be gone with it. I answered according to how you wrote you situation and if you continue doing everything for your daughter she will never learn and she won't take the innitiative to do anything for the baby. So I am still saying back away and get rid of the laptop and stop doing these things for her so she will have to do it herself. By the way, it is not judgement that I gave you. It is guidance to deal with your daughter. You admitted that you were a big part of her problem. You are cleaning yourself good, but now you need to stop doing everything for her. That is one of your biggest mistakes you made because now she expects you to do it all. Time to back away. I do not get you, I am not being judgemental. You asked for advice and I did give it. Now its time to back away. Completely and let her deal with her baby. If the baby is getting harmed then you need to call a nurse, doctor or somebody else that will guide this girl on how to raise a child. Did I not say that in my first post. There are programs out there that you should help get your daughter into for new parents, they visit. Give advice, check on the progress of the baby and well being. An outside source is more important right now.

Joe

[humbleheart72]

Yes, we are definitely both learning through all of this. One problem is that I have my own struggles and my emotions get very stirred up when I feel like everyone is against me. I did not come on here to have people tell me what I was doing wrong. Do you think if I didn't know what I was doing wrong that I would even be concerned about getting advice. I need to hear what TO do, not what I've been doing wrong. Anyway, you did make some good points as did Jesushelper. THanks for your input.

Lisa

I agree with Jesushelper, and your therapist, in that you must back off and change your tone. Support comes with a soothing voice an a understanding heart. She needs time to deal with all the emotions she feels and the things she has been thru. Demands and threats are out of place, as she will make mistakes. You have to let her make them and give her space to correct them. You have experience on your side, but you can't force feed them to a child. Imagine her frustration at always being pressured to do the right thing by you. That's why you have rebellion, so back off be patient, and give praise when she is trying and leave the harshness out of the equation. She will grow, but not at your pace, so recognise she needs your quiet loving support, to feel like she is at least on the right path. Seems you should be full of compassion as you already know where she is coming from, so you of all people should understand her frustration and confusion. Time, patients, and support, not scolding, and molding, will help her grow. Show unconditional love. You must give her what you didn't get so I guess you both are learning. Good Luck!

[humbleheart72]

Now that hit home! Thank you. I really needed to hear that. I want you to know that I communicate in the best way I can to my daughter. I guess I did not explain the situation properly. She does not want to take care of the baby. If I don't do it or my fiancé doesn't do it then she would probably never get what she needs half the time. When she does take care of her I do not interfere. But it's the getting her to do it is the problem. The baby hasn't had a bath in over a week or two. Now people are telling me that it is my daughters responsibility to make sure of those kinds of things. But what am I supposed to do if CPS tries to accuse ME of neglecting the baby when I am being told by a counselor to let my daughter do as she will do. She's not DOING is the problem. Thanks for your input.


Lisa

First I am glad you are there for her with support, now of course the BUT,

If you talk to any parent with a child, and then talk to the childs grandparent, no parent watches or cares for the child properly. They don't pick the child up everytime it crys, they don't change the diapers fast enough, they don't call the doctor at a sniffle.

My mom told my first wife and I when we visited her for the first time with our child ( " I am sorry lilttle baby, but you will most likely be dead before I see you again they way they are raising you") Of course we had the option not to see her again for 10 years and I didn't hardly ever see her for years over that. We did not wash the babies clothes right and so on. The hurt and pain she caused by telling us we were not taking care of our baby is still in my heart today and I can never be close to her for that even now, since I hold hard feelings after these 30 years now.

So you have to back off or you can place a divide between you and her that even time may not heal.

[humbleheart72]

Sorry I got defensive and I meant to tell you also thank you for the idea of getting an outside source to visit. I have thought about doing that before. That is what they did for her and me when I was 17. A social worker visited the house to check on me and the babies development. This all just so new to me and yes it is very frustrating when you ask for advice and it comes in forms you didn't expect. But I guess I am learning from that too. Thanks anyway.

Lisa

Maybe the laptop should go. Be gone with it. I answered according to how you wrote you situation and if you continue doing everything for your daughter she will never learn and she wont take the innitiative to do anything for the baby. So I am still saying back away and get rid of the laptop and stop doing these things for her so she will have to do it herself. By the way, it is not judgement that I gave you. It is guidance to deal with your daughter. You admitted that you were a big part of her problem. You are cleaning yourself good, but now you need to stop doing everything for her. That is one of your biggest mistakes you made because now she expects you to do it all. Time to back away. I do not get you, I am not being judgemental. You asked for advice and I did give it. Now its time to back away. Completely and let her deal with her baby. If the baby is getting harmed then you need to call a nurse, doctor or somebody else that will guide this girl on how to raise a child. Did I not say that in my first post. There are programs out there that you should help get your daughter into for new parents, they visit. Give advice, check on the progress of the baby and well being. An outside source is more important right now.

Joe

[talaniman]

I suspect your daughter is very much like you and that may be the rub.

[humbleheart72]

You hit it right on the nail with that one!

I suspect your daughter is very much like you and that may be the rub.

[JoeCanada76]

I really do hope that everything works out with you and your daughter and grandchild and the whole family. That is from my heart. I do hope that you will seek outside sources to help the whole family with the process of a new baby. I am hoping that everybody here gave you ideas on how to help with the family, because it is the most important part of us. I understand this. I do have a family of my own and it is the most important part of us. At the same time sometimes it takes outsides sources, people outside of the family to see what is happening and how to help.

Smile and know that you are doing good by seeking help for your family.

(; Joe

[talaniman]

Think your trying to hard to get her to not make the same mistakes that you made?

[humbleheart72]

All these responses certainly got me stirred up to say the least... not angry... just got me thinking... and all the ideas have not been given in vain... I am a very open minded person once someone can persuade me to see things the way they truly are... sometimes my mind gets clouded still and that is why I came here in the first place... because what I was doing was not working... and the way I was doing what other people were telling me to do was not working either... at least on keeping the peace in our relationship (between me and my daughter). My fiancé has told me to follow my heart and my heart is telling me to love her and her baby but don't interfere when she does take the initiative to care for her and that is basically what I started doing in the beginning. Then one day my daughter and I got into an argument at the store over something really stupid. I felt disrespected. She felt misunderstood. All in all the situation got totally blown up out of proportion. Next thing I know we are being directed to counseling and that is really when I started having a problem with her not taking care of the baby. In the beginning when she had the baby she expressed to me that she did not want the baby now that the father was not here to help her and share the joy of raising her. So I thought about it and talked it over with my fiancé and the baby came and stayed with us for a week. Then I asked her to come stay with us too so we could watch her around the baby to see if she was going to bond with her and give her that chance away from all the pressures of where she was staying (which was around people who were very insupportive of the loss of the father of the baby). The whole thing has been very trying. I'm doing the best I can with what I have. At least I'm not where I was 8 months ago. But in order to understand fully what is really going on here you would have to have experienced it yourself I suppose. I don't know. All in all I have adopted some new perspectives from all the input here and appreciate each and everyone of you for reaching back out to me. Even the things that were somewhat misunderstood, I have learned something from. So it's all good. Everything is going to be fine with us and I'll be able to sleep more peacefully knowing that I'm not as bad as I thought I was.

God Bless You All :)

Lisa

I really do hope that everything works out with you and your daughter and grandchild and the whole family. That is from my heart. I do hope that you will seek outside sources to help the whole family with the process of a new baby. I am hoping that everybody here gave you ideas on how to help with the family, because it is the most important part of us. I understand this. I do have a family of my own and it is the most important part of us. At the same time sometimes it takes outsides sources, people outside of the family to see what is happening and how to help.

Smile and know that you are doing good by seeking help for your family.

(; Joe

[humbleheart72]

Yeah, maybe I am... I know she won't make the same mistakes I did... she will make her own... but isn't it my job as her parent to guide her and teach her and train her in the way that she should go? I'm not sure on how to do that in a way that will get through to her. I guess I just won't know until she is older. In the meantime, I am going to stop trying to get her to take care of this baby and I am going to take care of the baby and only back off when she wants me too. I think that is the best thing to do in order to assure that this baby is not neglected.

Lisa

Think your trying to hard to get her to not make the same mistakes that you made?

[talaniman]

An impartial third party is a good idea. My own daughter, stubborn as she is, always responded better to being talked to as opposed to talked at, and we stepped back and let them (son and daughter) make mistakes, but always had a band-aid for their boo-boo's. Yeah sometimes I said things over and over, but kept the voice in low conversation tones , no hollering and I learned patient even when I wanted to explode and rant and rave. Patients to let them grow at their own pace. To this day I bite my tongue instead of jumping on them because I feel I know best (I do) Hope this helps some.

[humbleheart72]

It's great advice but disciplining myself to do what I know to do is somewhat of a struggle. Right now I have already told my son who is nine several times to go to bed and he is not doing what I tell him to do. He is in there with my 16 year old daughter who is encouraging him to stay up longer by engaging him in conversation. He just got back from visiting his dad. I understand they have lots to talk about but neither one of them seem to be concerned about the sleep they are going to miss. I don't understand why I can't get my kids to obey what I tell them to do. Is it wrong to be a parent these days and set rules and enforce them?

Lisa

An impartial third party is a good idea. My own daughter, stubborn as she is, always responded better to being talked to as opposed to talked at, and we stepped back and let them (son and daughter) make mistakes, but always had a band-aid for their boo-boo's. Yeah sometimes I said things over and over, but kept the voice in low conversation tones , no hollering and I learned patient even when I wanted to explode and rant and rave. Patients to let them grow at their own pace. To this day I bite my tongue instead of jumping on them because I feel I know best (I do) Hope this helps some.

[talaniman]

No! 9 is not 16.