[sabrewolfe]

Multiple threads merged

Please keep all questions regarding the same issue in the same thread

We are in our latter thirtys, have a child together, live separate, email or call each other occasionally, and see each other almost every two weeks. She is very insecure, feels she's not in my 'league', accuses me constantly of messing around on her. I tell her all the time that I love her, she's my soulmate, she's my angel, she's the one, etc. etc. Anyway, every time we get together she goes into one of her drilling sessions about why other women are emailing me, why I have friends that are females, and so on. I gave her my email password so she could see for herself that I have nothing to hide. I have many friends, male and female, we like the same tthings, snowboarding and what not, but these are friends I've had for a long time. Im not allowed to be around half of them or talk to them anymore because of her. Two weekends ago I was at a get together at a friends house and my girlfriend told me to call her when I was there. I did, and she demanded I not stay the night even though I was drinking. Actually I ended up leaving earlier because two other friends, being two females Im not allowed around, were coming. So anyway, last weekend while I was with my girlfriend, and she was drilling me, I told her that I left my buddies get together because of the two girls that were coming. So she starts in with, "why would they invite those two knowing full well that you are not allowed around them?" I simply told her that I can't tell my friends wife who she can or can't invite to her own house. So then she told me, "well now your not allowed over his house either!"
I do get so tired of her accusing me of things and being so insecure. I just had enough and I let her know it. I said some mean things, of which I apologized for, but she kept on going on about it that night that I just couldn't take it anymore.
So anyway, she's mad at me, she won't forgive me, she says she can never trust me, and she wants to break up again. I love her, I want to spend the rest of my life with her. Any suggestions or insight? Do I just give up all my friends? Im not sure if that would even satisfy her. I want to make it work, and I also want her to feel secure.

[liz28]

You can't make it work with an insecure person no matter how hard you try. She is constantly going be accuse you of things because it is all in her head. She needs help, professional help. Why do you have to give up your friends who you knew before her? What happens if your out with her and you glance too long at a girl walking by?

I understand that you want to try your hardest to make it work, especially since the two of you have a child together, but she is way to demanding and controlling. She might as well keep you lock inside the house so she can watch your every move.

This relationship is unhealthy and some where down the road your going get fed up so she needs to change, not you.

[mudweiser]

I believe it is time to let her go. She seems to use the break up as a scare tactic to get her way since she knows you come back.

This time let her go. Spending your time with someone that makes you walk on eggshells is no fun, it's stressful and it eventually makes you into another person. I know this. I was in a relationship like that, I'm just getting out of it. I was completely different; I would triple think my decisions based on what he would think, I would be scared to take any decisions without his input-- it was just not a very good relationship.

You may have had your good times, of course, but it's time to let her go so she can see herself and what an ugly character she's become.

I assure you, she'll come back to you and plead and perhaps maybe she will change. For the meantime, let her go on her merry way with her empty threats.

Sarah

[JoeCanada76]

The accuser, she has nothing to accuse you of.

Wow, this is amazing. It is called black mail and controlling.

Get rid of her. Who cares if she can not forgive you. Forgive you for what telling her the truth. For telling her how you feel. It is her problem she can not handle it.

It is good to know that you finally had enough and stood up for yourself. Sometimes these things happen for a reason. You do not need this.

Hope your ready...

[talaniman]

Be a good dad, love your child, and tell her to shut the frakk up, and leave you alone. Her behavior is unacceptable. You must love the punishment she doles out.

Change your passwords.

SHE ALLOWS WHAT??

[Homegirl 50]

Perhaps she is insecure because you two have been together long enough to have a kid together, but you only email or call each other see each other every two weeks. Do you live in different states or something? If you love her so much why are you only emailing and seeing each other every two weeks? The whole relationship seems strange to me. Perhaps this is the source of her distrust. Looking on the outside I'd think you were either married or cheating on her too.
But if you are tired of it, leave her but take care of the child you made.

[Homegirl 50]

You say you love her and want to spend the rest of your life with her, how do you know? You don't spend anytime with her now. You must like this drama.
You don't tell a woman she is your soulmate, the love of her life and call her occasionally. Do you two live in different states? This sounds hinky to me.

[taoplr]

I love her, I want to spend the rest of my life with her..

If you love her and want to stay with her, go into therapy with her. There, you can work on yourself, on your readiness to be half of a healthy, equal partnership as a couple and as parents. Encourage her to work on herself, on what she needs to relax and feel secure. Let the therapist guide you into working out your boundary issues (You set no boundaries. She controls the relationship and wouldn't respect your boundaries if you set them.)

Commit to a year.

[sabrewolfe]

You say you love her and want to spend the rest of your life with her, how do you know? You don't spend anytime with her now. You must like this drama.
You don't tell a woman she is your soulmate, the love of her life and call her occasionally. Do you two live in different states? This sounds hinky to me.

First off, thank you all for your responses. We live in the same state, abou 25 miles away from each other. We were living together up until about 5 months ago because of financial difficulties. We are planning to live togther again when we get the financial capability again. We are not married, and no, Iam not and never would cheat on her. I do not like the drama either, the little bit of time we do have together is too valuable to me.

[Homegirl 50]

25 miles is not a great distance and why do you only talk on the phone occasionally. That is what I don't get. I would not be able to understand why I would only get an occasional phone call or email from someone who claims he loves me and I his soulmate, especially if you don't live that far away. I mean if you can go party with friends why can you not go see her and your child. She could be feeling this way because of that.
At any rate, if this bothers you leave and don't keep going back.

[mudweiser]

Is she worth ditching all your friends? Are you okay with someone directing your life and choices? Are you prepared to have a parole officer as a partner?

Me thinks no.

Sarah

[liz28]

I bet if you were to tell her who not to hang out with, where not to go, etc she would leave you so quick and wouldn't care.

A relationship isn't suppose to have these rules attach to it because she has trust issues.

Sooner or later your going get sick of her long list of demands. Believe me!

[Homegirl 50]

We are in our latter thirties, have a child together, live separate, email or call each other occasionally, and see each other almost every two weeks. She is very insecure, feels she's not in my 'league', accuses me constantly of messing around on her. .

Though she sounds and may be obsessive, your unavailability to her does not help the matter any. Why are you only talking to each other occasionally and seeing each other almost every two weeks? You don't live that far away from each other. I think your actions maybe fostering her insecurity. You go out with your friends but you only see your soul mate, the mother of your child, the woman you say you love, almost every two weeks. That is whack!

Leave the woman alone then and stop going back.

[sabrewolfe]

If you love her and want to stay with her, go into therapy with her. There, you can work on yourself, on your readiness to be half of a healthy, equal partnership as a couple and as parents. Encourage her to work on herself, on what she needs to relax and feel secure. Let the therapist guide you into working out your boundary issues (You set no boundaries. She controls the relationship and wouldn't respect your boundaries if you set them.)

Commit to a year.

This is great advice. It is something we have talked about doing before. For now she is looking to get some counseling on her own for some other unrelated (or possibly related in some way) issues by herself. But for now we won't be doing it together. Thank you.

[sabrewolfe]

Is she worth ditching all your friends? Are you okay with someone directing your life and choices? Are you prepared to have a parole officer as a partner?

Me thinks no.

Sarah

No I don't want that, but I also want to consider her feelings as well. What Im not sure about is if I give up some of my friends, will it make the difference? When you love someone, aren't we supposed to make comprimises to accomidate that person in our lives? Or is that wrong. I've never been this in love with anyone before.

[Homegirl 50]

I think if you spent some/more time with her you may see a difference. I'm not understanding why you are not spending time with this woman you say you love.
But if she does indeed have problems you may need to give it up until she gets some help.

[sabrewolfe]

I bet if you were to tell her who not to hang out with, where not to go, etc she would leave you so quick and wouldn't care.

A relationship isn't suppose to have these rules attach to it because she has trust issues.

Sooner or later your going get sick of her long list of demands. Believe me!

Hey Liz, you have some great advise and I agree with what you are saying. Isn't it normal for a woman to wonder about what her man is doing when they are away with them, like on trips, like snowboarding. My girlfriend does not snowboard, in fact she isn't really athletic in anyway, not to say that's bad, I love her to death. But I have a certain group of friends that I have a lot in common with. Is there any way to make her feel better or more secure? Other than just letting her go or letting some friends go. Thanks.

[sabrewolfe]

I think if you spent some/more time with her you may see a difference. I'm not understanding why you are not spending time with this woman you say you love.
But if she does indeed have problems you may need to give it up until she gets some help.

Hey homegirl, right now its hard for us to get more time together due to her work hours, our finances, the distance, and my work hours, then she has a daughter of her own to take care of as well.

[Homegirl 50]

I see, well I wish you luck. Hope you make the right decision.

[sabrewolfe]

I see, well I wish you luck. Hope you make the right decision.

Thank you